How long would you date before in 40-50 before living together

[Annama]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Maybe or maybe not. There is a demographic of people who leave while still in love knowing that a relationship is no longer functional. Whether or not they try is another matter but no judgment on you for lack of trying. 

I agree with you that it’s very painful. What’s more painful though is being in this for many more years to come and more attachments like children or owning property and it being much harder. 

You seem to be looking for him to put in more effort to the end. 

Yes, I wish he did fight for this relationship a bit more. Not just let it die. Maybe I ve seen too many romantic movies. 

I know that a few weeks ago, he went for the weekend to a place where we were planning to go together in the near future. He posted a photo of this place in his messenger profile. This made me sad. That he went there alone ( or not). 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Annama said:

Yes, I wish he did fight for this relationship a bit more. Not just let it die. Maybe I ve seen too many romantic movies. 

I know that a few weeks ago, he went for the weekend to a place where we were planning to go together in the near future. He posted a photo of this place in his messenger profile. This made me sad. That he went there alone ( or not). 

These are the sad things while a relationship comes apart. It’s recommended to either hide those details or block them, not see them. It’s not childish or immature to do so and it will give you a mental break. 

Romantic movies are fine. But remember it takes two. It’s better and stronger of you to recognize when something isn’t working and walk away. I don’t seem to have much patience when it comes to lack of effort, similar to poor work ethic or inconsideration of others. Maybe you’ll also come to develop traits you seek in your friendships and relationships. 

[Annama]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

These are the sad things while a relationship comes apart. It’s recommended to either hide those details or block them, not see them. It’s not childish or immature to do so and it will give you a mental break. 

Romantic movies are fine. But remember it takes two. It’s better and stronger of you to recognize when something isn’t working and walk away. I don’t seem to have much patience when it comes to lack of effort, similar to poor work ethic or inconsideration of others. Maybe you’ll also come to develop traits you seek in your friendships and relationships. 

You are so right. You seem so wise and so together. I really appreciate your input on my post. You certainly took time and effort and it is very much recognised.

I am very thankful to everyone on here.

Yes it took strength to walk away. I never loved any man then way I love him and it was my dream to live together. 

I think he was not fully recovered after his bitter ended last relationship of 11 years. He was only a year after the break up when we met.

I know today thats not enough as it has been nearly 3 months after our break up and for me it is as fresh as yesterday.

I think he was fooling himself and I was fooling myself.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your question is like asking, "What should people 40-50 eat for dinner?"

The answer is the individual decides what they want to eat for dinner.

YOU have to decide what you want in a relationship. I would HATE a relationship where I disconnect during the week--absent major major unusual circumstances ... Sounds like you gotta get more comfortable seeing the reality (he's not available as you want him to be) and then acting on that- (you need to dump this guy). -

The arrangement you describe would drive me crazy. And frankly, the answer to your question doesn't hinge on age. The way you're asking the question is the way people in their 70s sometimes think about things. I've had friends in their 70s who don't want a live-in relationship or marriage. But even with these folks, they talk regularly during the week with their partners. 

People 40 to 50 (and beyond) generally want the same kind of close relationship that younger people want. 

[Annama]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Your question is like asking, "What should people 40-50 eat for dinner?"

The answer is the individual decides what they want to eat for dinner.

YOU have to decide what you want in a relationship. I would HATE a relationship where I disconnect during the week--absent major major unusual circumstances ... Sounds like you gotta get more comfortable seeing the reality (he's not available as you want him to be) and then acting on that- (you need to dump this guy). -

The arrangement you describe would drive me crazy. And frankly, the answer to your question doesn't hinge on age. The way you're asking the question is the way people in their 70s sometimes think about things. I've had friends in their 70s who don't want a live-in relationship or marriage. But even with these folks, they talk regularly during the week with their partners. 

People 40 to 50 (and beyond) generally want the same kind of close relationship that younger people want. 

I know what you mean and I did not mean to come across silly or inconsiderate. I did not mean any offence.

I am in 40 and my now ex in his 50, hence the question. 

He used to say I can call him as many times as I like and didnt get I wanted to hear from him too. 

When I said that, he said, he doesnt have register of who calls who. 

I found myself slightly insecure and disconnected. I did not like to live his house on Monday morning as I knew I am going to return to the reality. 

Dont get me wrong, I loved me time and being on my own. I enjoyed weekends without him too. I was not lost without him. I simply missed him.

He used to say he always misses me. Right

When I list all the things,  I see more and more why it did not work between us. But I do miss him still and somehow feeling like I lost love of my life.

I wont love like this again.

[Lotsgoingon]

Wasn't offended by your question. I was just pushing you to stand up for yourself.

he said, he doesnt have register of who calls who. 

This is nonsense. If it were true, then randomly there would be times when he calls you much more than you call him. The truth is happy couples get into a groove and when they are showing their interest, they sorta trade off. One will call, and the other unconsciously will work to initiate one of the future calls. Calling has to be back and forth or one partner will feel ignored and neglected.

In relationship we are all super aware of whether one person is calling more than the other. I'm in a support group where we make calls to each other between meetings. I'm highly conscious of when of the members initiates more calls with me and vice versa. In romance, you have to be blind or really manipulative to act like you don't know that one partner initiates more than the other.  

You did not lose the love of your life. I obviously cannot deny that you are feeling that way right now. But a good partner does not trigger our insecurities--by definition. A good partner gives us enough attention (and that can vary from one person to the next) to calm our insecurities, help us feel appreciated and prioritized. Very very few of us could avoid feeling insecure if we barely talk to someone during the week.

Very few of us. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Annama said:

When I list all the things,  I see more and more why it did not work between us. 

It seems like you miss the idea of a relationship. 

Make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

With a good therapist, you can replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and rewarding thoughts and behaviors.

This would help you get free from thinking someone inappropriate for you was the love of your life.

[Mrsturgess]

Annama. This sounds really tough and as you know from my other thread I was on the other side of this, being the disconnected guy who consistently failed to reciprocate the amazing and unconditional love of my partner. Regretting it now although I keep trying to tell myself (and being told by some) that this is just a reaction to the acute (And drawn out) pain of a break-up... my ex when finally "throwing in the towel" emphasised that she didn't blame me and had realised that it all happens for a reason, we probably just weren't meant to be, it would all have come naturally otherwise. It's hard to think like that though and find peace in that, especially when there has been such a long connection and with electric intimacy (which I also had).

[Allupinnit]

Your ex didn't want a relationship, he wanted companionship when it suited him.

Men are really great about compartmentalizing if their needs are being met - you gave him sex and fun on the weekends, but he didn't want the responsibility of a r'ship when he was going about his life otherwise.

Walking away was the right thing to do.  I once told a man that it felt like he opened the Allupinnit drawer when he wanted me, then put me away and closed it when he was done.  Because that's exactly what he was doing and all he wanted.  I really loved him too, but I wonder if it wasn't because of his unavailability that I got so hooked, my own issues at play.  

Anyway, to answer your question I wouldn't live with a man again unless I were to remarry (God forbid something happen to my H).  In fact I often times say I wish marriage could be part-time LOL - someone ALWAYS in your space is a lot to get used to.  I have no need for a man financially, either.

[Annama]

13 minutes ago, Mrsturgess said:

Annama. This sounds really tough and as you know from my other thread I was on the other side of this, being the disconnected guy who consistently failed to reciprocate the amazing and unconditional love of my partner. Regretting it now although I keep trying to tell myself (and being told by some) that this is just a reaction to the acute (And drawn out) pain of a break-up... my ex when finally "throwing in the towel" emphasised that she didn't blame me and had realised that it all happens for a reason, we probably just weren't meant to be, it would all have come naturally otherwise. It's hard to think like that though and find peace in that, especially when there has been such a long connection and with electric intimacy (which I also had).

Thank you for reading it and for your input. 

It is hard. Hard as hell. I miss him. I dream that he reaches out..I would love to hear from him. I will,however not reach out. 

It is true that this shouldbe naturally flowing but when one person puts breaks on, its just disheartening 

I was asking myself...we are greatly connected, loved each other , enjoy each other company and support, laugh all the things you always dream about ...so what else is missing?  Why the hesitation,  reservation? 

I ve seen people less matched and they all got married. So what is it. 

Whatever it is, I got tired of this lukewarm treatment. Relationship was going backwards. 

I feel sick, physically sick...but with him towards the end i felt lonely. 

His phonecall or 2 a week were not so bad after all cause I dont feel much difference. Felt lonely then and feel lonely now. 

It will get easier ..for us all, I hope

[Annama]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Your ex didn't want a relationship, he wanted companionship when it suited him.

Men are really great about compartmentalizing if their needs are being met - you gave him sex and fun on the weekends, but he didn't want the responsibility of a r'ship when he was going about his life otherwise.

Walking away was the right thing to do.  I once told a man that it felt like he opened the Allupinnit drawer when he wanted me, then put me away and closed it when he was done.  Because that's exactly what he was doing and all he wanted.  I really loved him too, but I wonder if it wasn't because of his unavailability that I got so hooked, my own issues at play.  

Anyway, to answer your question I wouldn't live with a man again unless I were to remarry (God forbid something happen to my H).  In fact I often times say I wish marriage could be part-time LOL - someone ALWAYS in your space is a lot to get used to.  I have no need for a man financially, either.

I think this is spot on. I remember many times on Monday morning when I was leaving his place ( was going to work from his) he was already in the work mode and kinda couldnt wait for me to go...

As if he had his dose of me for a week ahead and now need to get back to his life ( although to be fair, he included me in his other areas of life , we shared about everything)

May I ask how your husband stood out that he became your husband ?  

[Allupinnit]

2 minutes ago, Annama said:

I think this is spot on. I remember many times on Monday morning when I was leaving his place ( was going to work from his) he was already in the work mode and kinda couldnt wait for me to go...

As if he had his dose of me for a week ahead and now need to get back to his life ( although to be fair, he included me in his other areas of life , we shared about everything)

May I ask how your husband stood out that he became your husband ?  

Well for several reasons.  I never had to guess where I stood with him, he just sort of agreed to be my boyfriend and we got engaged within 8 months of meeting.  He's incredibly patient and kind.  I was looking for qualities that mattered in a partner outside of just good sex and laughs.  

I know it's not a popular opinion in our culture but I don't think casual sex does any favors for women.  It allows men to drag things out like this, with one foot in, one foot out, ESPECIALLY if you move in together and you start functioning as a wife.  Men can get REAL comfortable with the status quo.  I can't tell you how many men wanted me to be the FWB.  I tried to, thinking that it was better than not having ANYONE but it deep down crushed my soul and made me feel like a used up piece of trash.  We simply aren't wired that way; sex is incredibly bonding.  Then I erroneously thought there was something wrong with ME because I couldn't "keep my feelings in check" and "go with the flow."  That was a LIE. 

[BrinnM]

30 minutes ago, Annama said:

Monday morning when I was leaving his place ( was going to work from his) he was already in the work mode and kinda couldnt wait for me to go

I can relate to this with the genders reversed. I liked/loved my ex (we were long distance), but after a weekend together, I was ready for him to go home.
I always enjoyed our time together, but didn't want to have him around 24/7. I am also a single mum, so there was always this balancing act to make both "parties" happy, whenever my son was home with me and not with his dad. It was exhausting. Therefore, I preferred traveling to my Ex's place (rather than him coming to my town), but even then I was glad to pack up and leave; I always looked forward to our next get-together, though. We always did fun stuff.

I really love my own space more than a relationship I guess. I could have done this long-distance back and forth forever, it just wasn't for him.

Edited March 24, 2022 by BrinnM

[Annama]

16 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Well for several reasons.  I never had to guess where I stood with him, he just sort of agreed to be my boyfriend and we got engaged within 8 months of meeting.  He's incredibly patient and kind.  I was looking for qualities that mattered in a partner outside of just good sex and laughs.  

I know it's not a popular opinion in our culture but I don't think casual sex does any favors for women.  It allows men to drag things out like this, with one foot in, one foot out, ESPECIALLY if you move in together and you start functioning as a wife.  Men can get REAL comfortable with the status quo.  I can't tell you how many men wanted me to be the FWB.  I tried to, thinking that it was better than not having ANYONE but it deep down crushed my soul and made me feel like a used up piece of trash.  We simply aren't wired that way; sex is incredibly bonding.  Then I erroneously thought there was something wrong with ME because I couldn't "keep my feelings in check" and "go with the flow."  That was a LIE. 

Thank you for sharing. I agree with you fwb. It is not for me either. But I do know lots of ladies who are love it and works for them. 

Lovely to hear about your husband. Now you should go and give him the sweetest cuddle! 

I am really happy for you

 

[Annama]

16 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I can relate to this with the genders reversed. I liked/loved my ex (we were long distance), but after a weekend together, I was ready for him to go home.
I always enjoyed our time together, but didn't want to have him around 24/7. I am also a single mum, so there was always this balancing act to make both "parties" happy, whenever my son was home with me and not with his dad. It was exhausting. Therefore, I preferred traveling to my Ex's place (rather than him coming to my town), but even then I was glad to pack up and leave; I always looked forward to our next get-together, though. We always did fun stuff.

I really love my own space more than a relationship I guess. I could have done this long-distance back and forth forever, it just wasn't for him.

I get that too cause I also enjoy my space. Just be.

 I am not obssessed or anything and even during these weekends, we were sometimes in different rooms doing whatever. 

I guess the difference would be ,I missed him more than my space. I was comfortable sharing it. We spent lockdown together and I loved it. I sort of hoped we naturally continue this after it was all over. Nope.

I returned to my place after about 3 months. 

I recall however, that with previous ex could not stand to be longer than a day. When he was leaving or me, I was releived. Hmm karma got me i guess 

Interesting how people have different needs and often match with those who simply cannot meet them.

 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Annama

[BrinnM]

16 minutes ago, Annama said:

I recall however, that with previous ex could not stand to be longer than a day. When he was leaving or me, I was releived. Hmm karma got me i guess 

 

See!?! It's all a question of perspective, and we also change over the years. And it also all depends on our past experiences, past relationships, what we've already been through, and so many other factors. Like in your case: He's already been married (not sure about you), kids out of he house (you might not have any at all), he wanted to downsize his home and so on. Or me: If I didn't have a child, maybe I would feel lonelier in general, and I would think completely differently. You really never know what's going on with people. We all just want what's best for us. And maybe your ex will take a few months after the initial shock, in order to process the breakup before he comes around and figures out what he has been missing.

Edited March 24, 2022 by BrinnM

[Annama]

This is true. We all have our stories and different angles. 

He is the kind of man who justifies his action in his mind so it suits him. He believes it to a point it is his reality. You cant win with this 

[basil67]

10 minutes ago, Annama said:

This is true. We all have our stories and different angles. 

He is the kind of man who justifies his action in his mind so it suits him. He believes it to a point it is his reality. You cant win with this 

To be fair, we all have our own truths and live by them.  That others may not agree doesn't mean that our truth, or what we want is wrong.