Thoughts much appreciated

[Anthonys]

Hi,

My wife and I started counselling in January after I had a real change of everything really, I hadn't been the best husband for a while and we had both fallen into a horrible rut. We have two amazing kids. After I vowed to change, I  found out she was having an affair with someone in December.  I definitely had a part to play although I in no way blame myself for her affair.  I changed,  still have,  she is my number one priority along with the kids now and we turned our relationship around. We were really happy, or so I thought we were.

As part of the healing process from the affair, I had asked her to severe all ties with him so we could move on. I asked her to please be up front if he contacted her again and she said she would.

I found out he had visited her at work, she hadn't told me, and although she said she told him to go away, it was still a huge deal for me not being told. One of the big things to work on for us was trust and openness, I still didn't trust her 100% and was still "scanning for evidence" as they call it,  we worked through it with the therapist.

A few weeks later I then found out she had visited him to get some printing done, again all of the above. I had gone down her works phone and seen the number from him, again no justification but I sort of felt something wasn't right. I confronted her and she told me! We had lots of conversations with the therapist about being upfront and if he did contact to be honest and tell me. Again we worked through it.

We'd been Happy for weeks, our second marriage was back on track or so I thought, we where going to be open and honest moving forward.

I found out tonight, just sitting on the couch and her work phone again next to me, that she's been in contact a few weeks ago and then again, today, right before her job interview. I confronted my wife, she denied denied and then decided to tell me. They have been in contact, she has only said a couple of times but I don't believe that for some reason. What can I believe or trust.

She seems to be oblivious to it all amd says its an overreaction and seems to try and turn it to me by saying I'm controlling and she feels suffocated. I get how she feels but surely part of the healing from infidelity is the sharing of information, the cutting of all communication with the other person and the sharing of any interaction with the other person, and that's from most of the literature I've read and the therapist i seen.

Again I'm not justifying anything, trust is a Two way thing but I just felt there was still something not quite right. I've never said she can't see who she wants to see or do whatever she wants but I draw the line at communication with the guy she had an affair with.

It's driving me crazy. This women is actually my world, I love her so much and I honestly thought it was reciprocated, I thought our second marriage was going to be amazing and it was heading in that direction,  but seeing her non emotional reaction tonight and her being more concerned about the other man's wife finding out, I think I know the answer to that, I really don't understand. She thinks I'm overreacting, controlling etc etc but is this all because i found out?!

This is a huge huge deal for me though, and I'm really not that sensitive to things. It matters to me and she knows how much the subject of the other guy matters to me. I dont think she really understood the healing from infidelity thing, although I sent her topics and podcasts on it, as I was really struggling with it, she seen the initial affair as almost justified as she thought our first marriage was over to her,  and yes I had not been the best husband,  however it was far from over for me.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

Thanks

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

An affair is NEVER acceptable, no matter how difficult the marriage is.

There's a problem, and it's that you're so afraid of losing your wife that you're letting an affair fester. And your wife doesn't take responsibility for it either. Her attempt to maintain contact is simply a protective maneuver because she isn't ready to let go of the affair yet. Her every contact with him is a way for her to throw it back at you.

If you are confident that you are not going to fall victim to their deceptive frame of mind and affair fog, then you can relax. It really DOES come down to what you're willing to endure and for how long. Even if the results aren't what you want right now, it's okay to get in touch with that.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Anthonys said:

   she thought our first marriage was over to her,  and yes I had not been the best husband,  however it was far from over for me.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? You keep mentioning our first and second marriage.

Is it a second marriage for both of you? How old are the children? Are they both of your children or children from prior marriages.

What do you mean by "not the best husband"? Cheating? Abuse? Drinking?

Sadly she doesn't want to give up her lover so stop sending her podcasts about it.

Talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. You may be able to limp along like this for a while but she's completely checked out already regardless of whatever the marriage therapist recommends.

 

[Anthonys]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? You keep mentioning our first and second marriage.

Is it a second marriage for both of you? How old are the children? Are they both of your children or children from prior marriages.

What do you mean by "not the best husband"? Cheating? Abuse? Drinking?

Sadly she doesn't want to give up her lover so stop sending her podcasts about it.

Talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. You may be able to limp along like this for a while but she's completely checked out already regardless of whatever the marriage therapist recommends.

 

Hi wiseman,

Thanks for the reply.

We were told our marriage after the infidelity was our second marriage. We have been married for 10 years this year. The kids are 4 and 7.

By not being the best husband I mean I was not available in our marriage, no abuse, no addiction, although there was financial infidelity on my behalf. 

We had discussed and worked through these issues with the counsellor, or so I thought.

I had changed, I was told numerous times over the past while I was perfect and that she loved me again etc etc. It was good we booked up for a trip for just us, and a family holiday.

She says the phonecalls where from him, she has never told him to stop contacting her and she genuinely doesn't think.there is nothing wrong with him contacting her?!?

Is it me, I'm questioining myself here. Everything I've read says there's has to be zero contact and open and honesty going forward after an affair, is this correct? 

 

Cheers 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Anthonys said:

.We were told our marriage after the infidelity was our second marriage. We have been married for 10 years this year. The kids are 4 and 7.

 there was financial infidelity on my behalf.

10 years is  the first and only marriage. Try to stay objective and not get lost in this councilor's strange, confusing and misleading terminology. 

You are still in the same marriage with the same spouse. 

Do you mean gambling?  Do you mean squandering money? Do you mean unemployment or do you mean hiding money. What is "financial infidelity"?

Do you have an accountant and financial advisor to clear things up? 

Nonetheless your wife doesn't want to give up her lover or report to you.

Have you at least consulted an attorney about your options in the event of a divorce.

There's no formula to make your wife stop seeing her lover. You may be wasting your time in marriage therapy in this case.

Individual therapy where you can speak openly and privately and confidentiality may be a better choice. Certainly since your wife is not complying with this marriage counselors recommendation.

 

[FMW]

18 minutes ago, Anthonys said:

Everything I've read says there's has to be zero contact and open and honesty going forward after an affair, is this correct?

That's a very reasonable expectation.  Her refusal to do that would be a big problem for most people.  

[Anthonys]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

10 years is  the first and only marriage. Try to stay objective and not get lost in this councilor's strange, confusing and misleading terminology. 

You are still in the same marriage with the same spouse. 

Do you mean gambling?  Do you mean squandering money? Do you mean unemployment or do you mean hiding money. What is "financial infidelity"?

Do you have an accountant and financial advisor to clear things up? 

Nonetheless your wife doesn't want to give up her lover or report to you.

Have you at least consulted an attorney about your options in the event of a divorce.

There's no formula to make your wife stop seeing her lover. You may be wasting your time in marriage therapy in this case.

Individual therapy where you can speak openly and privately and confidentiality may be a better choice. Certainly since your wife is not complying with this marriage counselors recommendation.

 

I squandered money in different things,  basically lived over my means and hid it from her.  It wasnt coming from the joint account but from my personal account although it was still taking away from things we could have spent on the house etc I can pay it off and not in any trouble but still was infidelity.  We have worked through that.

I have literally just found out about the new phonecalls etc so I'm unsure of the next way forward and just wanted to make sense to see if I was overeacting or being too controlling? 

Cheers

 

[glows]

Haven’t you already posted this before months ago? 

If you’re suspicious of her or distrust her this is over. It doesn’t matter whether your suspicions are founded or not. The reconciliation isn’t working.

Don’t force this anymore. Instead of tracking her moves, start speaking with a lawyer in private. 

Edited March 19, 2022 by glows