Depressed girlfriend just walked out on me :

[MarkV]

Hi everyone.

I’m in a bit of disbelief and hurt at the moment. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years next week and it’s been a relationship of two halves. She is an amazing girl and I love her very much. Just before the pandemic one of her best friends took his own life and this absolutely devastated her as you can imagine. We don’t live together but I was there for her endlessly during the pandemic,lockdowns etc. She was my bubble. She works in a mental health team so everyday she is surrounded by people who are contemplating suicide etc. This has not helped in her recovery.

In the past two years she has also been waiting for an operation in a delicate area and she had the op done two weeks ago which is good. In the past two years I feel like I have been a constant support and pick me up for her as I want to help her as I love her but it has taken its toll on me ask tonight she came over for tea and stay over but then started asking where we were heading in the future and she started crying and then got her stuff together and went home. I was left sitting there in a bit of disbelief as to where it all came from.

Yesterday we had a conversation about the future and I feel horrible for saying it but I’m cautious to invest my future with her whilst she is in this constant low mood state. The physical and emotional intimacy has gone and she’s always talking about low negative things whether it’s in the news,her friends,her work etc. It’s pulling me down as I’m a very upbeat positive person and like to be surrounded by positivity etc. She is obviously suffering with depression and I’ve sat with her and she’s discussed talking to someone as she hasn’t moved forwards from losing her friend two years ago. I mean,who wouldn’t,it’s horrible!

Before we met I was with my previous GF who developed workplace anxiety and stress/depression and walked out on me four months after buying our first house and took our dog with her in the process. It broke my heart. I had to rebuild my life,I started a successful business,redesigned my house,started new hobbies etc. So basically I don’t feel like I can invest my whole life into someone again who is showing similar traits if that makes sense.

We love each other to pieces but I miss my old girlfriend and see glimpses of her but she is more depressed than anything these days. I feel bad for saying all this but as I want to support her but also feel like I have to protect my own well-being too.

What do I do? She’s gone home in tears and I’m also here upset. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, dv123 said:

tonight she came over for tea and stay over but then started asking where we were heading in the future and she started crying and then got her stuff together and went home. I was left sitting there in a bit of disbelief as to where it all came from.

Yesterday we had a conversation about the future and I feel horrible for saying it but I’m cautious to invest my future with her

I believe it came from the conversation you had yesterday, OP. 

It seems she is reacting to your concerns about investing in a future with her and is afraid that you are on your way out of the relationship. Hence her questions about where things are heading, which reads to me like an attempt to gain some reassurance from you. Your conversation yesterday shook her. 

Having said that, you are not wrong to be worried here. It seems her mental health has taken a huge hit and that can unfortunately lead to relationship problems. It doesn't appear she has taken concrete steps to address her deteriorating mental state so I can understand why you discussed this with her. But understand this probably came across as an ultimatum to her - was that your intention? 

I can sympathize with your position, don't get me wrong. But I am puzzled as to why you're surprised she questioned where this was heading when you brought up not investing in a future with her first. What sort of reaction were you anticipating? 

[MarkV]

Hiya! Thanks for your response. I haven’t mentioned to her that I have concerns,those are in my mind as I wouldn’t want to say that to her.

I feel like I need her to seek some form of help that she has said she is going to but there’s never any progression from her even though I’ve supported her 100% about talking to someone.

She has said comments like “ I don’t make you happy anymore” and “I am pulling you down” etc so it’s obvious her self esteem is low. I do reassure her that I love her every day 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, dv123 said:

I feel bad for saying all this but as I want to support her but also feel like I have to protect my own well-being too.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately it's her responsibility to take care of her physical and mental health, including seeing a physician and getting a referral to a qualified therapist.

You were honest with her and that's a good start. It's better than stringing anyone along or being thrust in the role of therapist.

It's been coming to an end for a while now. Take your time. Regroup and reconsider your criteria for a relationship.

Don't try to be friends or stay in touch. She needs to sort herself out with appropriate mental health care and being her "friend", won't help her.

Especially stop with the mixed messages about "telling her you love her every day".

If she's being manipulative, you need to recognize that.

Edited March 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

She seems very unstable. Is she considering a career change? In the two years since her friend passed has she gone for grief counselling or seen her doctor for help? She must take better care of herself. Unfortunately this responsibility does not rest on you. She may be offended by your choices but it’s no use if you marry and take each other down or she drags you down with her. 

I was married to someone with low self-esteem and a slew of other issues. You can’t fix that in another person. The will to survive and be resilient is innate, not taught or coached and least of all from someone biased or whom she’s in a relationship with. She may even require medication if she’s clinically depressed but you’re not the one to help with that. She has to see her doctors and ask for help, then apply that help and use it. 

If she is thinking of big changes such as career moves marriage or a future is likely last in the priority also. Stay focused on what you need to do for yourself. 

[FMW]

You have to take care of your own mental health, and dealing with her issues certainly is challenging to that.  I think all you can do is encourage her, repeatedly if necessary, to seek help.  When someone is consumed with grief or depression or anxiety they are not emotionally available.  A healthy relationship is not possible with an emotionally unavailable person.  

Her first priority should be to seek help.  Everything else, including planning a future with you, is secondary.  Without mental health, nothing else works.