Hi it's me again..:( New Problem.. BIG problem.

[Worried7]

I have a friend and I went to her baby shower 2day..she is only 16..She got pregnant b/c she was on an antibiotic with her birth control and the condom broke..I was sitting there thinking..hmm..I DON'T want that to happen to me and my b/f..and not only that but he's been acting wierd ( Like there is someone else ) so I don't want to have sex with him b/c of that either until I know the truth.

 

Well I get to see him for Christmas & I called him and after we had talked for a bit I said..baby I was thinking..maybe we shouldn't have sex in December. ( we already have before..but) I was like I don't want us to have sex anymore until I'm old enough to be able to support a child..wait a few more months until I'm 18..and he's like " well too bad" I'm like WHAT?!..This does NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT sound like him. Then he pissed me off even more by saying " Put out or get out" UGhhhh! Jeeeezzzz! and I started crying..so I said " okay so we have been together for 2 years and we've had sex 3 times....and you want to throw that AWAY? You said you wanted to marry me? I'm sitting here with your RING ON MY FINGER?" You choose SEX over ME? and he goes NO I just don't want a girl who won't do anything, If I wanted that I'll just stay single. You're my GIRLFRIEND. And I go well what am I to you exactly? and he goes "what do you want me to say?" and I said "the truth." and he said. You're everything to me. and I said "it doesn't sound like it."

 

and he interupted me and said, " I wouldnt be here talkign to you if that's all I wanted. I wouldn't have told you I am going to marry you if that's all I wanted..I could just go to a party if I wanted to get laid--easily!!!" and I'm like well it DOES NOT sound like it.

 

and so I said..well if you want me..you should be able to wait a few more months and work for it no matter what it takes, No. Questions. Asked. b/c that's what it takes to get me. and he said " okay I'll wait.Damn..." Then said Im deeply hurt by what you just said. WHat's WRONG with you? You've changed in the past few weeks"

 

And then he said" Let's start over I don't wanna see you sad" and it ended at that.

 

Guys can be such a**h***s sometimes..Don't get me wrong, I like sex. I just want to see if that's all he wants & if we're strong enough to go without for a while. He scared me there for a while and I thought it was over..he even said the words" well leave. no body is stopping you.." Where the hell did that come from? the old [His name] would never say that EVER. He would do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING FOR ME. No sex required and he proved it..but now he acts like it's a must and I"m not falling for it . It's me or sex and he'll just have to understand that b/c if he doesn't want me for me..go **** a damn prostitute..

[elijahBailey]

A woman has the right over her body. A guy who loves her enough would do well to wait if she's not ready.

 

However, you're 18 so I think he's around your age. I don't think he's too mature either.

 

You're very afraid to lose him, because you're still soo young. But I tell you, if he passes you by because you won't give in to him on the sex thing, I can guarantee you that you'll NEVER regret it when you look back a few years from now.

 

I know you're NOT thinking straight now because you're paranoid about many things, but you NEED to think straight. Remain calm, and for the sake of yourself and your dignity, be strong.

[glittergurl]

Well, he probably thought you were being a b?tch about it. Did you even explain to him that you saw a pregnant 16y/o girl and that it scared you of having sex? Because if not; well, the poor guy can't read your mind; it probably sounded like it came out of the blue for no reason. Anyway, I think the babyshower thing is a stupid reason though, because if you combine the pill and a condom, I can guarantee it would take you a few decades and a lot of bad luck to get pregnant. I think you were just throwing it into the conversation to test his reaction; and it was definitely NOT the best way to do that (especially since you've been pretty suspicious about him in your last few posts, and I'm sure you made that clear enough to him too).

 

So anyway, I kind of understand your guy's position there. He probably does care a lot about you, but when you said that, it probably came across as a very cold thing to say. So what did he do? He reacted in a cold way too. You got what you gave. And there you go freaking out "how dare he be so cold to me". Especially since you have already had sex with him 3 times; it's not like a virgin who's waiting for the perfect time to do it. I'm sure your guy didn't get all the information there, and you saying "I don't want to have sex with you for a while" sounded like a slap in the face. You would have probably felt insulted too if roles had been switched.

 

Really, Worried, you have to be nicer to him if you want to keep him. I've read your other posts, and I'm afraid he'll get fed up with you if you don't make an effort once in a while. I understand your situation is not the easiest in the world, but I think a lot of a love and a little more trust from your side would make him react in a much nicer way.

[elijahBailey]

awesome post glittergurl, you sure made quite a few valid points here.

[Worried7]

Nope I explained everything..including about looking at my pregnant 16 year old friend and not wanting that to happen to us..I explained EVERYTHING ( in a calm manner too) And he simply said after that" I dont' want a girl who won't have sex"

[glittergurl]

He probably thought it was a weak argument. As I said previously: if you're both on the pill & condom, risks are pretty much zero. I don't think you should have told him that. Like you said, you live in two different states, so what were you trying to get across there? I think you mentioned in one of your posts that you'd only see him after Christmas (I hope I remember this right); so I REALLY don't see the point in telling him that you don't feel like having sex with him for a couple of months; unless you (maybe unconsciously) were trying to start a fight.

 

I think he's getting fed up. When a guy says "if I wanted to get laid, I'd go to a party or something", it's pretty clear he hasn't cheated on you. A cheater wouldn't say that. There are tensions between the two of you, and he's starting to get tired of it and is taking his distances. He probably thinks "if on top of it all she doesn't want me to have sex with her, then screw it." Sex is probably one of the main things he's looking forward to when he sees you. Can you blame him for that? I don't think so; he's human, and he's a guy; it's natural. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love and respect you.

 

Although, it's true, I'm only getting one side of the story here. I'm trying to look at it objectively, and I could be wrong. But this is my gut feeling about your situation.

[Worried7]

I'm not on the pill..and it's not just that..It's just that my gut hasn't been trusting him lately & I don't want to give him my body if there is even a little chance that there is someone else. I just called him and he was at the library and when I called He was flirting with some girl saying " You better not ! You better not!hehehehehenooooo!!!" So I'm about 80% sure something is going on..and as soon as I get the chance I'm going to tell him everything that's been on my mind..not accusingly..just talking it out and asking how he feels about us being together..and if it doesn't work out I guess it wasn't meant to be & I'll find someone else with time.

 

I just don't want to have sex with him if there is another girl and from the way he's been acting lately and going out more..and the short phone calls where he won't say my name, he's flirting with a girl, and hanging up without saying i love you..that makes me suspicious. He only calls me and says I love you and calls me baby when he's alone at his house in his room. It's not neccasarily the getting pregnant I'm worried about as much as he might be with someone else. But I especially don't want the condom to break and me get pregnant and he IS with someone else as well..it's not just that I want to 'wait'..If I was completely happy, I'd love to have sex with him again. Once my trust in him is there I will love to. As for now, I'm just going to wait it out so I don't end up getting hurt.

 

Thanks for continuing to give me comfort and advice.

Love,

Worried7

 

P.S. I was almost over all of this emotional crap( i was gonna just call and say "hey baby I love you! How's ur day going today did u sleep well?" until I called him and he happened to be with a girl again and i got the ' oh hi ..look, i gotta go i'll call you when i get home' conversation. Our phone calls literally last 5 seconds or shorter except when he's home alone. It's bringing me to tears.

[RainyDayWoman]

 

I think he's getting fed up. When a guy says "if I wanted to get laid, I'd go to a party or something", it's pretty clear he hasn't cheated on you. A cheater wouldn't say that.

 

that's not necessarily true. a cheater might say that, knowing that someone would believe "he wouldn't say that if he really was cheating." it's like over-compensation.

[glittergurl]

Well then, Worried, I guess you know how to handle this. It's hard to know the whole story from just a few posts; but I'm glad you seem to know where you're standing. I understand what you mean now about not wanting to have sex when you think he might be cheating. I guess you have to take it day by day, and keep your head cool about this. Try not to get paranoid about everything, while still keeping your eyes open.

 

How long have you been together?

[Worried7]

For two years.

[Worried7]

I just poured my entire heart & soul into an ecard. I told him how much i love him..how he's my best friend..and how I'm so lucky to have him and will never leave him. I also said I'm sorry If it hurt him yesterday and it wasnt one of my intentions.Then i said I hope we have alot more great memories to make and times to make us stronger.. I looked up poetry but nothing could say what I felt so I just wrote him a huge e-card with music.

I was sitting here waiting for a phone call from him that I usually get when I send him an email--I especially though i'd get one since it contained so much of my feelings.

It's been an hour and a half and I haven't got a call or an e-card back.Nada..

Is this bringing me to the realization that he does want to date some other girl? And he has one right now? and that just made him feel guilty? Because if it was what everyone thought it was and he was fed up, that should have made things better and he could have realized what we have is worth working for. But nope..no phone call, no email, nothing but pain and worry. This man is not the same man I got together with. Something is going on with him and I need to know what it is. So I'm going to see what he has to say tonight on the phone at our usual ' call time '. He has always said how much he loves me and how lucky he is that he gets the chance to spend his life with me..well if he does love me, he'd do anything & everything for me. So..if he doesn't start doing that again..then he doesn't. And I'll have to grieve and move on to another..and replan my entire life. But that's okay, if that's how it's supposed to be. I dont want to marry him if he's not going to be happy. I'll move on to someone who will be happy with me--and stay that way.

 

I'd appreciate some support again. I feel like my heart has been ripped apart.I didn't ever plan on this happening..when he gave me that ring and told me he wants to stay with me forever-- I planned on it.Sorry for all of these posts but I have to talk to someone or I'm going to go crazy.

 

I love you guys! You're all so awesome and welcoming and supportive. Stay that way people like me need people like you to help them through obstacles such as this.

 

Love,

Worried7

[Worried7]

Forgot to mention. He knows about the E-card I called him and told him to open it. And when he did the site said that he had recieved and read it.

[glittergurl]

Ah, I was just going to write "maybe he just hasn't read it yet", before I read your last message. Who knows; maybe he's trying to write a good message. Don't be too negative before you hear from him. You'll know his reaction soon enough, not worth growing white hair in the mean time

[Worried7]

Ah, I was just going to write "maybe he just hasn't read it yet", before I read your last message. Who knows; maybe he's trying to write a good message. Don't be too negative before you hear from him. You'll know his reaction soon enough, not worth growing white hair in the mean time

Nope. He didn't write one. Or did he ever call. And we talked last night and he nearly broke up with me.

Then he turned into an abusive monster. Everything he said was do this or do that or I'm going to leave you." and he said I'm such a stupid whore bitch" and I better not push him away because he's " all i have" "no one else cares about me." and said not to tell anyone he's treating me this way or he'll leave me. Straight up abuse. He called me stupid & not to ever talk to him about my problems anymore because I'm worthless and he has enough on his mind to worry about.

I was wondering why he was saying all of this. He's a changed man. Then I realized, it's not just about the sex. A major sign of cheating ( and abuse ) is being a complete jerk ( so they don't feel guilty about breaking up and blame the girl so they can go with the other girl feeling guilt-free) but then he apologized and said he didn't mean to hurt me..then five minutes later he was putting me down again. For example I was listening to a band he recomended and didn't like it much because it was negative and unhappy. I don' tlike that type of stuff I like to be happy. And he said I'll remember that the next time I recommend something to you that i like--that you think it's all worthless crap. and I said I NEVER SAID THAT! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??..he's just trying to put me down as much as he can..and push me until I break up with him..I can see it CLEARLY. I NEVER thought I'd be in this situation. I give him a week and if he doesn't change and be the old boyfriend I knew I am done. I respect myself way to much to be in an abusive relationship despite how much I love this man and the memories we have made..and the fact that I wanted once to spend the rest of my life with him and have his children. Funny how things can change in an instant. I'm also going to call the abusive hotine for teens in intimate abuse situations to see if they can help & give me tips on how to pull away and cope.( It sounds easier than it is..b/c YES. He is being a monster. But he used to not & I love the old him and want the old him back.) So be thinking about me, I will appreciate greatly for you to keep me in your thoughts.

Love,

Worried7

 

Thanks for being so supportive. You'd make a good friend to have around!

[glittergurl]

Awww that sucks. Well, since this is how he reacted, I don't think you should even give him a week. Just be done with it now and try to move on the best you can. Funny how it now turns out to be a good thing that you're not living in the same state D'you think he could get violent?

 

Ehmm, just curious, how old are you btw?

[Worried7]

Awww that sucks. Well, since this is how he reacted, I don't think you should even give him a week. Just be done with it now and try to move on the best you can. Funny how it now turns out to be a good thing that you're not living in the same state D'you think he could get violent?

 

Ehmm, just curious, how old are you btw?

 

I'm 17. He just turned 20 the same day as me. We have the same birthday. We got together when i was 14 and he was 17. ( it was a month before I turned 15 and him 18)..I was a freshman in high school , and him a senior.

[glittergurl]

Whoa, now that really sucks. Now I think of it, it totally reminds me of one of my friends. Her first boyfriend turned out to be such an a**h*** after 2 years. Just one day, out of the blue, he dumped her and said he was going to marry somebody else. He called her a whore and God knows what. She was so hurt. If I remember well, she was on medication for 6 months after he dumped her. It took a while to heal, but mannn, what a bastard. I still don't understand what the hell happened. They met and split around the same age as you and your guy. **sigh** Good luck! I hope things will get better soon.

 

On a more positive note: this friend of mine met another guy 2 years ago, and they're crazy in love and talking marriage. He's so much better than her ex

 

Seriously, the way he talked to you the other night; that would be unforgivable to me.

[Worried7]

Whoa, now that really sucks. Now I think of it, it totally reminds me of one of my friends. Her first boyfriend turned out to be such an a**h*** after 2 years. Just one day, out of the blue, he dumped her and said he was going to marry somebody else. He called her a whore and God knows what. She was so hurt. If I remember well, she was on medication for 6 months after he dumped her. It took a while to heal, but mannn, what a bastard. I still don't understand what the hell happened. They met and split around the same age as you and your guy. **sigh** Good luck! I hope things will get better soon.

 

On a more positive note: this friend of mine met another guy 2 years ago, and they're crazy in love and talking marriage. He's so much better than her ex

 

Seriously, the way he talked to you the other night; that would be unforgivable to me.

 

I see. Thanks alot, Glitter Girl! I'll be keeping in touch with you until I feel that he is completely out of my system or things are on our old level.

[Worried7]

Well, now we're starting to be back to our old selves. He's still not 100% there by any means but he is being respectful and not putting me down. I guess he was just mad that night and said some wrong things. But if he doesn't completely change in a few days or honor our relationship on our two year anniversary ( and all of the time), or make what he said up to me oh and also I get proof he isn't cheating, I don't see the point of being sad even when i AM with him. Like I Said, I respect myself too much to stay in a relationship and am not getting treated like I treat him. So if he doesn't change anytime soon..I won't be with him. And since we live so far away I won't ever see him again unless it's a strange coincedence or spring break down there..heh! that'd be interesting! Well I will continue to keep all whoever is reading these up with the latest on my relationship issues..

Love,

Worried7

[Worried7]

Bringing up my post