Living my own Hell

[rolyat]

All judgment aside, I am begging for advice. I am a woman. I am lonely. I am empty. I am genuinely confused.

I got with the father of my son when I was 15 years old. He was 18. We had our ups and downs as do typical teen relationships. I moved in with him and his mother and sister when I was 16. I graduated high school in 2015 and two short, happy years later, we moved into our new apartment, and Matt and I welcomed our baby boy just like we always talked about.

Time fell short, thereafter.

The dishonesty, the disloyalty. Arguments. The nitpicking.

I made a really horrible choice and that was to cheat.

I frown upon my decision to this very day.

He knew what I was up to. But why did I do it?

The only reason I can give was that I was simply just bored. I never had the chance to be independent- I was always in a relationship with him. I didn't meet new people, I didn't have the chance to live the life most people live after graduating. I do NOT regret having my son, and I never will.

I was SO stuck in my head. I tend to worry about everybody elses feelings around me apart from my own.

Irresponsible and pathetic, I know.

I am here in search for advice. Today, I am in a relationship with the man I cheated on the love of my life with, and have been for almost 2 years.

Troy is materialistic. He cares about his looks, his reputation, he has to have top of the top everything.

Me? I'm okay with being at the bottom.

The thing about it is, we constantly argue. It's always over stupid, petty things. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

It's "Where are you going? Who are you with? Who is there? What time are you coming back?" It's "You were done working at 3, and its 3:07, WYA."

He hates my family. He hates half of my lifestyle.

But yet, he wants to marry. Have babies.

I, infact, do not. I am stuck.

Memories replay in my head every single day. Why did I do this to the family that was supposed to last a lifetime?

Troy, again, is materialistic. I know that if i carry on with my life now, I will someday have a house to share with him and call our own. We have so much potential but then I remember how unhappy I am and how UNFAIR it is for HIM, that I do not want to put forth the effort to build a future with him, simply because I am so lost in my life.

Sometimes I think I should change my name, tell nobody, and just disappear.

But really, what would that change?

Am I dwelling on what used to be to much?

Or is my heart actually aching for what Matt and I had, and always will have?

I'm torn.

To make a decision, somebody will always be hurt in the end, and I truly do not know what to do at this point in my life.

I feel like I have forgotten how to be myself.

I have forgotten how to act myself.

What kind of things do I like?

What are my dreams?

I wish I could have answers, I really, REALLY do.

[glows]

Your partner now doesn’t seem like a good fit. Why do you feel like you need a man in the first place? Spend some time on your own if this relationship isn’t working. Honey, you don’t have to choose either one.

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, glows said:

Why do you feel like you need a man in the first place?

I could not agree more.  You are still very young with your whole life ahead of you.  Are you in school and working?  If not, that is where your concentration should be so you will be able to provide for you and your daughter without a man.  I'm sure Matt is still in her life and giving her child support, right?  If so, that's a start to help you get ahead.  Will your family help support you until you can be independent?

[lonelyplanetmoon]

It is a fools errand to always want what you can’t have.  Learning to be grateful for the things you do have is really the key to happiness. I’m not saying you should stay or go.

You have to learn to be happy internally in order to be happy with external things in your life.  Thinking that something or somebody else will make you happy is just going to get you more lost.

 

[vla1120]

Clearly, neither man is your match. You are young. You should be taking this time for yourself. Go to school (college or a trade school) and build a career so that you can support yourself and your child. The more time you spend on your own, the more you will learn about yourself and what it is you want from life and what you should expect from a partner. Work on co-parenting with your child's father to make everything as easy as possible for your child. Also, Troy seems a bit controlling if he wants to know where you are every minute of the day. Trust me, you do NOT want to get involved with a controlling man under any circumstances.