I don't know why I'm still hurting

[Lonely28]

To be clear, I have at age 28 never had any friends, relationships, nor have I ever been on a date. I've been told that I'm far from 'ugly,' but I do have profoundly low self-esteem and self-worth, which often causes me to withdraw and not put myself in situations where rejection is a possibility. In essence, my self-worth is so low that I really don't have much to give at this point. 

So I met a woman while I was in rehab about a year and a half ago and we connected pretty decently. She'd often tell me that I was attractive, funny, and all of these wonderful things that I'd never heard from anyone before. She often said she wanted to keep me in her life and we could support each other in recovery. This was the first time I'd ever really let my guard down and I really began to have feelings for this person. It didn't hurt that she was super affectionate, and not to lay on the self-pity, but for a guy who often craves some form of contact, this felt unbelievably good. 

We got out of rehab and she dropped me like a filthy habit, saying she found it 'too hard,' even to have contact with me social media, much less in real life. Interestingly, she apparently remained in touch and on terms with others she met in rehab, but for some reason I was too much of a challenge. Now, I'm no psychic, but I think the only reasonable conclusion is that 'I find it too hard,' is really a euphemism for 'I've thought about it and I don't like you after all.' I really don't know what other conclusion there is. 

Intellectually, I suppose it's a bad idea for two addicts to remain in close contact, but on a emotional level, it hurts when someone you care about shifts from telling you 'you're pretty great,' to 'I want nothing to do with you.' I hadn't seen her in months and once messaged to acknowledge that, while it's possible we'd never see each other again, I had to say I had feelings and wished her well in recovery. No reply. Perhaps she was blindsided by an unexpected message and didn't know how to answer that, perhaps she simply didn't feel the same and felt no need to reply. Who knows? 

In order to maintain my own shred of self-esteem, I like to tell myself that her sudden emotional 180 was more about her own issues and not personal, but on some level I do think it was personal and, as stated, really boils down to a sudden change of heart. I know I only knew her for a few months, but, and I'm deeply ashamed of this, I still feel quite hurt. This was the first time in my life I'd had feelings for someone and the first time I'd ever felt worthwhile, attractive, and like I had something to offer. I suppose you could say that I miss the person less than the feelings they gave me, but it hurts nonetheless. 

I haven't seen her in over a year. I have no idea why this is still hurting me. A psychologist I once visited, albeit for an unrelated reason, suggested that I'm hurting so much because the pain of this failed relationship opened the old wounds from past rejections/perceived rejections, so it's natural to hurt so much. I'm not a psychologist and can't speak to how accurate that is, all I know is that I am in an enormous amount of pain and don't know how to make it stop. I don't know why, I just feel so disposable, so worthless, and wonder why I wasn't good enough. I'm terrified of getting close to anyone else, both because I don't have the emotional energy to try and because I worry about getting hurt again. 

Sorry to the rant and for pouring on the self-pity. I really don't mean to, I am just to embarrassed to talk about this in anyone in the 'real world,' and I need to get this off my chest.

[glows]

Is it necessary to understand why? You were hurt and that's ok. Let it go. Meet new people and don't stay stuck with your wheels in the mud trying to dissect this. I think it's hugely counterproductive. Have you spoken with your therapist, doctor, medical team about ruminations or thoughts/worries? 

Be good to yourself and close that chapter. Stay sober and clean and move forward. Look at meet ups and events in your area and mingle with others. You may be too busy being interested in your hobbies to feel sorry for yourself.