My fiancés sister is annoyed our wedding date conflicts with her holiday. Should I change the date?

[Worried32]

I (28yo F) got engaged in November 2021 to my fiancé (31yo M). I have always wanted my wedding in March 2023 as that is a nice time of year where I live and also gave me time to prepare for the wedding. I felt a little overwhelmed with the wedding prep so feel I need a good 12 months to organise. My cut off date was march as I am 37 and want to start a family as soon as I am married. The problem is the date we looked at conflicted with my fiancés sisters overseas trip. Apparently she has had to reschedule it a couple of times due to covid but I was not aware of this and my partner didn’t realise either. His mum pointed it out when we found a suitable date at the venue we love, so my partner messaged her. This was in February, over 12months until her holiday. She told us the dates of the holiday but said it’ll be fine. As long as they could attend a show in London in early March it’d be fine and can change things and be back by the end of March for our wedding. We took that as being fine if we had that date so went ahead and booked. Once we booked it we let her know and she was rude about it. She is now not going to the wedding and told my partner she is extremely hurt as he knew about her holiday and it’s like he didn’t want her there. This is not true. He wasn’t aware about it, and has probably forgotten if she had told him about it previously but once his mum pointed it out he messaged her and she said she would work something out. If she had said then that she just wouldn’t be able to go and would lose money etc we would’ve had to change it. I’m annoyed at her but not sure if we did the wrong thing taking the date. Also should I just change the wedding date now? I’m interested in thoughts on if I’m wrong for taking that date or if she is being unreasonable 

Edited March 21, 2022 by Worried32
Needed more detail

[FMW]

It just sounds like a matter of miscommunication and misunderstanding.  It sounds like her vacation dates were set prior to your wedding date, so I understand her being bothered.  It also sounds like you misunderstood what she was talking about when she said "it'll be fine".  

If your sister won't incur extra fees for changing her vacation schedule (flights, lodging), then rescheduling would be annoying, but not a huge issue.  But likewise, unless you would incur fees related to anything you might have already scheduled or reserved, and as long as you can find a date at the venue within a month or so of your already scheduled date, you wouldn't be losing a lot either.  If you are dead set on being married in March and at that venue, then you'll just have to deal with your sister's annoyance.  

I think the most important thing for you to do is to have a thorough conversation with your sister and not let resentments build up between you.  Neither weddings or vacations are worth damaging family relationships.  

[basil67]

Congratulations for your upcoming wedding.

To be honest, I think you're taking too much of this on your own shoulders.  The decision making on this topic should primarily be your fiancé, as it's his sister. and he should be the one to manage the family dynamics.   Please take note that this is his problem, yet you're the one worrying and asking advice.  It should be him being proactive.

Anyway, he's going to have to ask himself how much he wants her to attend the wedding.   Would moving your wedding by a couple of weeks be possible, or would the venue be unable to accommodate a change of date? 

Edited March 21, 2022 by basil67

[SingFish]

4 hours ago, Worried32 said:

She is now not going to the wedding and told my partner she is extremely hurt as he knew about her holiday and it’s like he didn’t want her there.

If she's always this high maintenance maybe he didn't?! Life would be so much happier if people just knew when to let things go. Plan a special celebration meal for you all when she gets back, otherwise don't worry about it too much. Can't please everyone. 

[Worried32]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Congratulations for your upcoming wedding.

To be honest, I think you're taking too much of this on your own shoulders.  The decision making on this topic should primarily be your fiancé, as it's his sister. and he should be the one to manage the family dynamics.   Please take note that this is his problem, yet you're the one worrying and asking advice.  It should be him being proactive.

Anyway, he's going to have to ask himself how much he wants her to attend the wedding.   Would moving your wedding by a couple of weeks be possible, or would the venue be unable to accommodate a change of date? 

That is the only date available around when I wanted the wedding at the venue I wanted. Due to covid and weddings being postponed it is now hard to get dates within the timeframe I wanted. I wanted to be married before having children and don’t want the wedding too far after march next year. 
 It’s also just the fact she said about 3 times to keep the date and she would bring the trip forward. If she had said at the time she couldn’t go, or would cost a lot of money I would’ve tried for February but that date is now taken too. I thought given she said it’s ok and had 12 months notice we’d be fine to take that date

Edited March 22, 2022 by Worried32

[basil67]

I do understand your frustration, particularly as she was rude to you.  However, your post above is full of comments about what you want.  But what does your fiancé want?   

If he agrees with you, let him sort it out with his family.

[Worried32]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I do understand your frustration, particularly as she was rude to you.  However, your post above is full of comments about what you want.  But what does your fiancé want?   

If he agrees with you, let him sort it out with his family.

He wants to keep the date we have. It’s not the first time there has been similar issues with her. I guess im Just trying to be fair and perhaps see her point of view too. I was worried we had made an error taking the date despite her telling us too

Edited March 22, 2022 by Worried32

[glows]

Is she complaining to your fiancé or is this a conversation with you? While it’s unfortunate she must realize on some level it’s not her wedding. It is yours.

It’s very fair that you have asked her prior to booking if it was all right with her and I am sure that she’ll find a way to make it if it’s important for her to be at her brother’s wedding. 

Edited March 22, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Worried32 said:

He wants to keep the date we have. 

Then do that. You don't have to be best friends with his family or even like them. Just respect them. That's it.

But bury the hatchet with her before you get married. 

[ShyViolet]

I definitely don't think you should change the date of the wedding.  This is YOUR wedding, it doesn't revolve around her.  Especially since she is being rude about it. 

[introverted1]

On 3/21/2022 at 3:49 PM, Worried32 said:

I (28yo F) got engaged in November 2021 to my fiancé (31yo M). I have always wanted my wedding in March 2023 as that is a nice time of year where I live and also gave me time to prepare for the wedding. I felt a little overwhelmed with the wedding prep so feel I need a good 12 months to organise. My cut off date was march as I am 37

huh?

And in this thread, started Wednesday, you say you are 35.

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by introverted1

[salparadise]

On 3/21/2022 at 8:57 PM, Worried32 said:

 It’s also just the fact she said about 3 times to keep the date and she would bring the trip forward. If she had said at the time she couldn’t go, or would cost a lot of money I would’ve tried for February but that date is now taken too. I thought given she said it’s ok and had 12 months notice we’d be fine to take that date

This is the relevant fact of the matter. If she said to go ahead with that date and that she'd make adjustment, she has no right to be making a big fuss after it's too late to change it. I don't know how she could even think it's your or her brother's fault. Let your fiancé  communicate with her and you stay out of it. Hopefully he has an email or text message to remind her that she okay'd the date. But that's assuming that a rational review of what was said would satisfy her, and I suspect that's not the case. 

On 3/21/2022 at 8:57 PM, Worried32 said:

I wanted to be married before having children and don’t want the wedding too far after march next year. 

Don't bring any of this up while dealing with the sister. You don't have to justify why you planned to have the wedding when you did, and it's not even a little bit relevant to the issue with her. She okay'd the date and you booked it based on that. End of discussion. Unless there is more to it that you aren't saying... is there? (why is your age changing from one post to the next?)