My boyfriend is annoyed at me

[Lovelorn_lady]

46 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He already talked to you about this the last time you did it but as he can see you have no control over yourself. 

He’s one to talk about no self control. About 2 months ago we were out and he was drinking a lot. I didn’t drink anything. He was taking me home and we got out of his car and he started yelling at me on the street. That’s not having self control.

[basil67]

3 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

He’s one to talk about no self control. About 2 months ago we were out and he was drinking a lot. I didn’t drink anything. He was taking me home and we got out of his car and he started yelling at me on the street. That’s not having self control.

It doesn't matter if he's the pot calling the kettle black.  He still has every right to walk away from you if he wants.

[Lovelorn_lady]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't matter if he's the pot calling the kettle black.  He still has every right to walk away from you if he wants.

I know he does. But how do we know this is the reason? This is the problem. I don’t know. He doesn’t have to explain it either.  We don’t even know if he’s actually walking away and that’s the problem with telling someone, “I need time to think.” Yes, it often means that, but not always. Sometimes they just need to think. It’s certainly not the proper way to walk away from someone. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I was at work one day and I was served with divorce papers. You can imagine my shock. The whole situation with my ex husband traumatized me. Before him I was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic who kept telling me  “no one will ever love you.” That occurred for a couple of years. 3 years ago I was broken up with by a guy I was living with. So, all of this has built up. I know I can do better than this current guy, but so afraid to let him go because I’m worried I won’t find anyone else and I’ll end up alone. 

I think it would serve you well to forget about men for a while and get into therapy about your past relationship trauma.  You seem to be repeating yourself and if you don't fix that you may end up alone without wanting to be.

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

I know he does. But how do we know this is the reason? This is the problem. I don’t know. He doesn’t have to explain it either.  We don’t even know if he’s actually walking away and that’s the problem with telling someone, “I need time to think.” Yes, it often means that, but not always. Sometimes they just need to think. It’s certainly not the proper way to walk away from someone. 

There is no "proper way" to walk away from someone.  If he wants to fade, that's his prerogative.  However, you did tell him you wanted to be alone, and he's delivering exactly what you asked for. 

If you're feeling like a victim to his actions, then take some affirmative action yourself and get rid of him. 

Edited March 25, 2022 by basil67

[Lovelorn_lady]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There is no "proper way" to walk away from someone.  If he wants to fade, that's his prerogative.  

The question is, is he actually breaking up with me? Like I said, “I’m taking some time to think about things” is not very clear. Often it means a breakup, but sometimes it means they really are thinking about things. I do find it a bit bizarre that he kept me on a partial block for a week, then fully blocked me. Stonewalling and ghosting someone as a means of breaking up isn’t a good way to do it, especially if you’ve been together for a year. Maybe that would be considered acceptable if you’ve been together for a month or two. But after the length of time we’ve been together it’s unacceptable, at least to me. I feel he should at least have the decency to tell me he’s breaking up with me, if nothing else. 

[basil67]

11 minutes ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

The question is, is he actually breaking up with me? Like I said, “I’m taking some time to think about things” is not very clear. Often it means a breakup, but sometimes it means they really are thinking about things. I do find it a bit bizarre that he kept me on a partial block for a week, then fully blocked me. Stonewalling and ghosting someone as a means of breaking up isn’t a good way to do it, especially if you’ve been together for a year. Maybe that would be considered acceptable if you’ve been together for a month or two. But after the length of time we’ve been together it’s unacceptable, at least to me. I feel he should at least have the decency to tell me he’s breaking up with me, if nothing else. 

Like I said, if if you find his behaviour unacceptable, you can walk away from him.   

 

[Kamille]

9 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

But I didn’t dump him. Telling someone to leave you alone isn’t the same as dumping them. Even still, if I got a message like that from him, I wouldn’t have blocked him. I would have responded with something like, “What’s going on? Let’s talk about this.” But then again, that’s the mature way to handle something like this. 

You said elsewhere that you struggle with abandonment issues. It sounds like you texted  "Leave me alone" in the hopes of getting his attention. There are other, more mature ways to tell your partner you would like some attention. What was going on with you? He was at a concert and you were feeling abandoned?

Him blocking you must be really triggering for you. What do you usually do to cope when you feel abandoned?

[LynneVicious]

I know you fear being alone, and it sounds like you’re always in a relationship. Being alone is better than being in a bad relationship. If you know you deserve better, then leave him and be alone for a while. 

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Like I said, if if you find his behaviour unacceptable, you can walk away from him.   

 

Continuing this train of thought: you have a history of being in messed up relationships.  Do you generally find it difficult to walk away from relationships which aren't good?   

[Lovelorn_lady]

About the book, I can’t just let it go because we’re probably done. I really do need to try and get it back. It’s very sentimental to me and it’s out of print and the only copy I have. Would it really be that terrible of a thing to simply contact him (I have a texting app that I can use to get through), and ask him to return it to me? 

[mtnbiker3000]

Just did this myself. Realized the relationship was slipping and she was pulling away. I didn't wait around any longer to see what might happen. I ended it. That was three weeks ago. It hurts. It sucks. Thought we had a lot of really strong bonds between us. But when it's time to go, you know, and there's really no way around it. You can't force any one to feel a certain way about you. If he is showing you he wants out (which is exactly what it sounds like), then oblige him.

And, as others have stated, do some work on your own issues before finding a new relationship or else be doomed to continue to repeat them!

[Lovelorn_lady]

7 minutes ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

If he is showing you he wants out (which is exactly what it sounds like), then oblige him.

I can accept a breakup. I’ve been dumped before. What I can’t accept is the way this is going. This blocking behavior which he’s done to me before. Then not even having the decency to tell me we’re breaking up. The stonewalling and ghosting are emotional abuse. He doesn’t need to tell me why he wants to breakup, just that we are. 

[mtnbiker3000]

Why are you giving him all the power? Look what it's doing to you! Who cares if he wont actually say it. Why don't you just make the decision for yourself? Closure can NOT be given to you by anyone else. It comes only from within!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

. The stonewalling and ghosting are emotional abuse. 

He's not "emotionally abusing" you. You're upset he blocked you.

Ask your parents to get the book back. 

[Doglover78]

I’m wanting to enter the dating scene again after a divorce and a couple bad relationships. Last year I moved to a small town. There isn’t a whole lot to do here at night, except go to the bars. I don’t want that scene when it comes to meeting people. You often get a lot of unsavory Individuals. A lot of men in my age group are either married, or have kids. Not that having kids is a deal breaker, I have one myself. I’m looking for someone to have a serious and committed relationship with. I would eventually like to get married again. I would really prefer to stay off dating sites.  I feel my options are very limited here. At my age, it’s hard to meet a nice man in general. I feel it’s hopeless. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Doglover78 said:

. Last year I moved to a small town. There isn’t a whole lot to do here at night. 

Why did you move? For work? Do you know anyone there? 

Why do you want men with no kids?

Do you belong to any groups or clubs? Do you volunteer? Are you taking any classes or courses? Are you involved in sports and fitness?

Why do you have to meet men "at night"?

You may have to get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Unless you broaden your horizons, it will be quite difficult making friends or meeting people.

 Are you far from your hometown? Is your child in school? Do you share custody?

 

 

[Mrin]

Buy a dead cat 

Swing it around your head

Consider dating the men it hits

Seriously. Fire up a Bumble profile and see what happens. You are by NO MEANS too old to have a fantastic dating life

[smackie9]

Date a little younger and try that. Your dating pool widens. There are lots of younger guys that are not player/one and done types that are very OK with dating someone in their 40's.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Lovelorn_lady said:

 Would it really be that terrible of a thing to simply contact him (I have a texting app that I can use to get through), and ask him to return it to me? 

Terrible..in terms of what?

The relationship is already way, way off in the ditch and cannot be salvaged. You could ask for your book back, but are you really going to be able to just leave it there? It sounds as though you are ripe to get sucked right back into this dsyfunctional merry-go-round. My strong sense is that it won't end with the request to have your book returned. 

So what are you going to do if he doesn't repsond to that message either? 

[FMW]

3 hours ago, Doglover78 said:

I feel my options are very limited here. At my age, it’s hard to meet a nice man in general. I feel it’s hopeless. 

First, to dispel the thought that your age is a problem.  I divorced at 50.  Neither I nor my single friends of similar age had problems meeting men, including some nice ones.  In my experience, the biggest thing affecting the amount of time it took to really connect with someone was my own availability, being emotionally ready to be in a relationship.  Depending on how long ago the divorce and bad relationships were, you may need to focus on just being more involved with things in your community (church, civic events, volunteering with charity organizations, attending local sports events, participating in local sports, etc.).  Those involvements get you more centered and comfortable with your own single life which makes it easier to meet people.  This includes just potential friends, male or female, who can lead to meeting men you have things in common with.  

It's true that living in a small town will limit your options and chances, but it's certainly not hopeless.    

[Calmandfocused]

I hear you Op. Im in exactly the same position as yourself. I’d love to meet someone special but the thought of going online again to find it fills me with horror!

The endless swiping,  conversations that go nowhere,  dead end dates, the hours of wasted time  … the list goes on and on.  
 

I have no advice about how to find a suitable man other than what others have said but I will say this: 

Be happy in yourself and your life. I’m thankful everyday for what I have and I remind myself that there is no rush. If you have everything you need, everything else is simply complimentary. 

[Alpacalia]

What other options are there, if there are few things to do in your town and you dislike bars or dating sites?

You seem reticent about venturing back out there and keep finding excuses to hold back.

After you've been in a few shaky relationships, all you need to do is dip your toes back into the pond of romance. You don't need to think of the next person you meet as 'the one'.

[Gaeta]

If you're not ready to take the bull by the horns and do what needs to be done to meet someone, then in my opinion you're not ready or you don't want it bad enough. We ALL hate online dating but it's a tool, like any other tool, to meet someone. You need to put yourself out there, whether it's online, local speed dating, single's group, be out and about, tell your friends, family, colleagues you're looking, etc. Failure is part of the dating journey. Accept it. 

I see you're a dog lover, register to all the dog activities you can find in your area. 

Edited March 26, 2022 by Gaeta

[glows]

7 hours ago, Doglover78 said:

I’m wanting to enter the dating scene again after a divorce and a couple bad relationships. Last year I moved to a small town. There isn’t a whole lot to do here at night, except go to the bars. I don’t want that scene when it comes to meeting people. You often get a lot of unsavory Individuals. A lot of men in my age group are either married, or have kids. Not that having kids is a deal breaker, I have one myself. I’m looking for someone to have a serious and committed relationship with. I would eventually like to get married again. I would really prefer to stay off dating sites.  I feel my options are very limited here. At my age, it’s hard to meet a nice man in general. I feel it’s hopeless. 

How old is your child? Is the father in the picture? Who helps you mind your child? What support do you have as a single parent? Do you work? Do you travel out of the town to visit family, friends or take regular trips out? Do you have hobbies or are you part of any organizations or groups in the community? You don’t have to use dating sites. You seem low, depressed.

Frankly the first trip or appointment I’d suggest is with your doctor for a health check up. You may have all the resources at your fingertips but if you feel hopeless and bleak you’ll have to sort out your mental health issues or any depressive thoughts. Face whatever needs to be faced head on and heal from your past relationships or broken trust in people. 

Rebuild your trust by making more friends and getting to know your community locally. Volunteer, be more engaged in the town.