Friend issue (merged thread)

[Erica_2]

Hi,

I have a friend of about 11 years, I have considered her one of my best friends. We have given each other support and we have always understood each other. Holidaying to so many places together. Since around 2017 I felt is not being as close - she was struggling with mental health and relationship issues.

I feel like I am always over looked by her in recent years. I flew to Portugal for her 30th holiday, gave her beautiful earrings. On my 30th, it was covid times, I received a card off her and a promise that we would go to brunch - 2 years later this hasn’t happened.

I don’t expect anything in return. She fell pregnant and her friends/family got a baby scan as a surprise face to face, I got a text message to break the news. For a while now she always invites her sister with us. I will text her to say I have a present for the baby and can call in for a cup of tea, she replies agreeing it will be nice, then brings up her sister doing something with us. 
 

it is always doing things with her sister involved. My friend has said that she likes our little group, but I can’t help but think it is a way to dilute our friendship and have a third party there. She spends time with her sister one on one and her best friend from her teenage years, but will rarely spend one on one time with me, despite us doing so a lot years ago.

I have backed off a little from her and have been spending time with other friends.

I guess I wanted to get this off my chest and see if anyone had any advice to share. I know I should talk to my friend but I didn’t want her to take it the wrong way as it is her sister.

 

Thank you 

Edited June 14, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

I hope you feel better now that you've gotten that off your chest.  Friendships sometimes have seasons and it seems yours has changed and you are not her best friend.  Her sister will always be her sister and it sounds like she's her best friend.  It's good that you have other friends that you're spending time with and it would help you not to view this woman as your best friend so you are not disappointed by her actions/nonaction towards you.

[Erica_2]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I hope you feel better now that you've gotten that off your chest.  Friendships sometimes have seasons and it seems yours has changed and you are not her best friend.  Her sister will always be her sister and it sounds like she's her best friend.  It's good that you have other friends that you're spending time with and it would help you not to view this woman as your best friend so you are not disappointed by her actions/nonaction towards you.

Thank you. Yeah it seems like for no reason it has changed. My friend came to my house in January, and I felt an elephant in the room with her so to speak. I think she has realised this shift in our friendship too. It’s a shame she overlooks me and doesn’t prioritise me like I do with her. I’m finally starting to come to terms with this shift. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Erica_2 said:

I have backed off a little from her and have been spending time with other friends.

This is the best approach. Make new friends also.

Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in fitness and sports. Take some classes and courses. Volunteer.

You've grown apart and that's ok. She's busy with her life and family and new child etc. so just associate with others more.

[Erica_2]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the best approach. Make new friends also.

Join some clubs and groups. Get involved in fitness and sports. Take some classes and courses. Volunteer.

You've grown apart and that's ok. She's busy with her life and family and new child etc. so just associate with others more.

Thank you for your advice! I agree, as much as it hurts and I’ve been upset about this (she doesn’t know this) I have to let her be. 

[glows]

The most you can do is be there for her and spend time with other friends. Are you originally from different countries? She’s in Portugal and you had to fly there. You may have grown apart naturally.

[Erica_2]

24 minutes ago, glows said:

The most you can do is be there for her and spend time with other friends. Are you originally from different countries? She’s in Portugal and you had to fly there. You may have grown apart naturally.

No she lives about 15 minute walk away from me, this was just a holiday 

[glows]

Just now, Erica_2 said:

No she lives about 15 minute walk away from me, this was just a holiday 

Sad then. But don’t let this take over. She’s been a good friend and is still in your life, nothing to be too dramatic over, if you don’t mind me saying. I’m not sure why she needs sister to chaperone and my first thought is she can’t think for herself.

You both may naturally be at a fork in the road and it’s no harm done. Why spend time with individuals who aren’t your cup of tea in the first place? It seems she has changed. 

[Erica_2]

Hi,

So I have this friend of 11 years who I (used) to adore, still miss and love her, but I’m feeling very frustrated by her. 
 

The last year or possibly 2 years, she has spent little time with me one to one. She had had a baby a year ago, so our meet ups were shorter, she would meet me on lunch breaks as she lived close. 

Anything more than that, she will ask her sister. I text her to meet up, call in for a cup of tea, and it’ll be “I’ll ask Sarah too”. Every single time. 
 

this week I asked her as I haven’t since her since January (shockingly she spent 2 hours or so at my house in January, just her!) she has said in the past that she likes our little group the 3 of us but it is getting ridiculous now.

 

I need to talk to her, but how do I say it without looking like I dont like her sister, I do, but I also want and miss quality time with my Friend. She spends time with another friend one on one, so why not me? I’m a very chilled nice girl, probably too nice at times.

If her sister can’t make that day it’ll get changed to a day her sister can make. 

I have ranted about this before but now feel at a wits end. I want to bring this up before ditching this friend, but I don’t know how to bring this up without causing upset?

 

Thank you.

Edited June 14, 2022 by Erica_2
Spelling

[glows]

Seeing as you’re at your wit’s end I don’t see what you have to lose being more upfront. You can say it nicely or tactfully the next time she brings up inviting Sarah. Mention instead you’d like it to be the two of you this time. Any friend who makes a big stink out of this is probably not your friend. 

Should your friend say no and Sarah would like to come along, then you enjoy the time graciously with the two but realize also what you’re getting into the next time you invite your friend out! 

If she doesn’t want to hangout without her sister that’s her choice. You just have to respect that and find other friends to spend time with.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Erica_2 said:

this week I asked her as I haven’t since her since January (shockingly she spent 2 hours or so at my house in January, just her!) she has said in the past that she likes our little group the 3 of us but it is getting ridiculous now.

 

I need to talk to her, but how do I say it without looking like I dont like her sister, I do, but I also want and miss quality time with my Friend. She spends time with another friend one on one, so why not me? I’m a very chilled nice girl, probably too nice at times.

If her sister can’t make that day it’ll get changed to a day her sister can make. 

I have ranted about this before but now feel at a wits end. I want to bring this up before ditching this friend, but I don’t know how to bring this up without causing upset?

For some reason it seems she no longer wants to hang out with you alone.  Does her sister and her other friend have kids?  Maybe she and the friend have bonded over that.  You can't make someone like you or want to spend time with you.  It sounds like she just has more in common with her friend and is obviously close to her sister.  If she hasn't reached out to you since January and you were the one who had to contact her, I would say she's moving on from this friendship.  It's good that you've been hanging out with your other friends and perhaps you can get closer to them.  Is there a reason you are so intent to keep this friendship when she doesn't seem very interested?