Relationship Heart and Head Conflict

[Cornelia83]

I'm so very stuck. I have been with partner for 2 years. The love is there. Affection is there. Emotional support is there. Intimacy is there. He's an amazing partner and we have lots in common. But financially he has been struggling since we met. In fact, he didn't quite let on how bad it was until I was invested in the relationship. He's looking for opportunities but not willing to take on anything outside of his passion, which isn't a lucrative industry right now. He has high qualifications which he doesn't use, and has no intention to use for income.

He isn't shy to freeload. He can never pay for dinners out (either I pay or we go 50/50). We can rarely go anywhere together because he doesn't have money and if I don't pay for it all, we don't go. For the last two years I didn't even get a birthday gift (even though I gifted him with thoughtful gifts) and had to pay for myself on my birthday dine-out (even when on his birthday, I paid the whole bill). We lived together for a year, but I had to move back into my own place again as he couldn't afford his share of the rent and I had to pay for most of the food, electricity and utilities  - in fact he still owes me 2 months' rent with no way currently of paying me back. I can't financially support him - I have a young child from a previous marriage to take care of first and foremost. I make enough to get by but I just have my own very small business.

I have now come the the conclusion we can never build a live together. He can't even afford to rent with me, nevermind buying a house or that kind of thing. We can likely never travel together. And I resent him for never being able to spoil me a little (he literally can't afford it) - even though I have done that for him. Currently he doesn't have his own place and stays with friends, family and myself respectively.

Do I accept that this relationship will never grow into a partnership where we can build a life together, and just be glad for a good man (my ex husband was abusive) Or do I end it with someone who I love and loves me back - for practical reasons? I ask because all this makes me seem / feel shallow and money-oriented. But I wish for a partner to build up a live with in addition to all the rest like love etc.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

He isn't shy to freeload. We lived together for a year, but I had to move back into my own place again as he couldn't afford his share of the rent 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you settled for this because of your past history.

End it. He's a parasite. While not overtly abusive, it's just as damaging but in an insidious way, like a tapeworm.

 

[glows]

 

It seems odd that he would continue to pursue this “passion” even after losing a home with you. Why do you think he continues like this? 

What do his friends and family think or what do your friends and family think of his situation? 

Keep in mind being manipulated as you were into believing all was well and it was not until you were attached is not an indication that he’s a “good man”. Taking from you unscrupulously is also not a sign that he’s an “amazing partner”. 

[Cornelia83]

@glows He told me he doesn't want to be part of the "rat race" and happy with very little. But then he leans on me and others to get by.

He once came to visit me and stayed for 3 weeks. When I told him it was unfair as he isn't paying anything to stay here, he at first got really offended and said he didn't think I was "like that" that I "shocked him" and I was a "lizard" because I just care about money. Later he apologised and now he's very careful about checking in about how long he may stay etc.

Friends and family have dropped hints that they're not for the relationship. But they support my decision nonetheless.

I think it's hurtful for me to be thought of as only caring about finance as opposed to love, affection and care.

[glows]

If he’s calling you names and putting you down for looking out for yourself I hope you realize how abusive and damaging that is. He’s attacking you each time you try to do what you feel is right for yourself and your child. 

You’ve got a history of abusive relationships so be very wary. He doesn’t fall far from the last one. 

Now that you mentioned his reasoning it is afterall nothing worthy of pity or empathy. I thought he was going through a mid life crisis or was traumatized by a previous job. Instead he is only a plain run of the mill straight up abusive person and a person who feels entitled to the earnings of others while belittling those around him. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

@glowsHe told me he doesn't want to be part of the "rat race" and happy with very little. 

Super! Let him live in a homeless shelter, cardboard box, whatever and become a freegan. (Google it)

He's trying to pawn off being a cheap loser who lives off people as being some cool eco-conscious non-materialistic ascetic.

 

[Weezy1973]

You have different core values. It’s not about money. It’s about independence. Taking care of your family. Being prepared in case of an emergency. Investing in your future. Being responsible. 
 

I think because your ex was abusive, the fact that this guy isn’t abusive has clouded your judgment into thinking he’s a good partner. He isn’t. Not saying he’s a bad guy. He might be a great guy, but still a bad partner. Sharing core values is important in any relationship. He isn’t the one for you. 

[Cornelia83]

@Weezy1973 Core values are important. You have put it very well. He really is a good person with a good heart. But the finance thing is his one downfall. I've been having such internal conflict over all other aspects of the relationship being great, but this is it - we can't build a life together. I would have to accept living like this forever. Or calling it.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

@Weezy1973 Core values are important. You have put it very well. He really is a good person with a good heart.

Is he really, though? 

Or are you blinded to how manipulative he is and has been about freeloading off of you (and others)?

Good people don't do that. I am not saying he's an evil soul, but he's not as great as you think he is. Good people do what they need to do so they don't take advantage of others' kindness. Good people pull their own weight and don't expect a free ride to the detriment of their loved ones. He is the opposite of that. 

I would not continue this relationship. The financial problems are symptoms of much bigger issues with this man. 

[Cornelia83]

@ExpatInItaly I think my problem is that my ex was so bad that I'm willing to over look this "minor" problem. But it's starting to become clear that this is not going to change. I've given it two years.

I also don't know how one would end it with someone for this reason. I mean, his main excuse has been "Covid knocked him down financially"  So how do you tell someone, "listen, seeing that you're struggling financially, I no longer want you". I mean - that sounds just awful, right?! And if it weren't for this, I would have definitely wanted to stay with him without a doubt.  

Edited March 23, 2022 by Cornelia83

[Trail Blazer]

45 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

@glows He told me he doesn't want to be part of the "rat race" and happy with very little. But then he leans on me and others to get by.

He once came to visit me and stayed for 3 weeks. When I told him it was unfair as he isn't paying anything to stay here, he at first got really offended and said he didn't think I was "like that" that I "shocked him" and I was a "lizard" because I just care about money. Later he apologised and now he's very careful about checking in about how long he may stay etc.

Friends and family have dropped hints that they're not for the relationship. But they support my decision nonetheless.

I think it's hurtful for me to be thought of as only caring about finance as opposed to love, affection and care.

That's disgraceful.  This guy is a loser.  Get rid of him and stay single until you find a decent man who won't gaslight you because of insecurity about his own failings.

[Wiseman2]

It's time to stop and reflect. This is the same issue of tolerating horrible circumstances just to be with someone, anyone. No matter how bad.

First you paid with your soul, now you're paying with money. People who love you don't use or abuse you.

You don't need to lecture him on why it's not working out. Just end it diplomatically.

He'll be fine. Ticks find a warm bodies and blood meals very quickly.

Edited March 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

21 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

So how do you tell someone, "listen, seeing that you're struggling financially, I no longer want you". I mean - that sounds just awful, right?!

It’s not really about struggling financially though right? The two of you see the world differently. Different core values. Financial security is important to you which is understandable since you have a child. He’s not that concerned about it. Doesn’t want to join the “rat race”. These are core values that you differ on. And that’s a good reason to break up with someone. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with him. Let him find a match that shares his values. When you love someone, set them free as the saying goes…

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Cornelia83 said:

@ExpatInItaly I think my problem is that my ex was so bad that I'm willing to over look this "minor" problem. But it's starting to become clear that this is not going to change. I've given it two years.

I also don't know how one would end it with someone for this reason. I mean, his main excuse has been "Covid knocked him down financially"  So how do you tell someone, "listen, seeing that you're struggling financially, I no longer want you". I mean - that sounds just awful, right?! And if it weren't for this, I would have definitely wanted to stay with him without a doubt.  

But it's not about his financial struggles that is the real problem.  Yes, of course it is a problem, but as problems go, it's not necessarily the problem which is the real deal-breaker.

This guy doesn't seem to acknowledge that it is a problem that he's woefully lacking of funds and is leeching off you.  Clearly it's an issue, yet when you raised it, what did you get?  You didn't get compassion or understanding, you got abuse.

The real issue is his underlying attitude towards addressing issues which concern you.  He won't see past his own insecurities and is instead shifting blame on to you.  The fact that you can't even see what he is doing is very concerning. 

To be fair, he probably doesn't know what he's doing, either.  He doesn't sound like he goes out of his way to upset you, but at the same time he certainly doesn't stretch himself to understand you, either.

If you don't leave him you will be faced with a very frustrating and unfulfilling relationship where you'll experience swelling resentment towards him and any future attempt to address how you're feeling will result in an escalation of outbursts from his end as he continues to bury his head in the sand and not take responsibility.

This is not a man you build a future around.  This is a man you leave when you find out that he has very little going for him.  He needs you a lot more than you need him.  You just need to realize that first, and then you'll see that you're being exploited for having diminished boundaries owing to your abusive past relationships.

Please, think long and hard about what value this man truly brings to your life.  You only have one life and to waste it with someone who sucks the joy and energy from you and provides little in return would be a travesty.

Edited March 23, 2022 by Trail Blazer

[Cornelia83]

@Trail Blazer Thank you so much for your input. That's quite a lot to think about and consider. Which I'm certainly going to do. It's good to get perspectives from complete strangers. Pretty eye-opening.

[Cornelia83]

If I did decide end it, does anyone have any tips on how to sensitively approach such a conversation?

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

If I did decide end it, does anyone have any tips on how to sensitively approach such a conversation?

He's abusing you financially.  Abuse is abuse.  Tell him you don't want to date him anymore because you can't afford it because you have a child to take care of.  Once you tell him that try to end the conversation and move on.  He's going to have this problem with any woman he gets involved with.  He's a loser and doesn't care.

[Weezy1973]

38 minutes ago, Cornelia83 said:

If I did decide end it, does anyone have any tips on how to sensitively approach such a conversation?

Just approach it with empathy. He’ll be hurt. Don’t go into a ton of detail as to why. Broad strokes of different values / grown apart etc. It’s not his fault. He didn’t do anything wrong. Just make sure it’s not personal.  

[notbroken]

Not only can he not contribute to a household but he is not even self sufficient and will likely always be a net negative financially.  I'm sure he blames others, 'the man', the 'system', etc for his failures but he is unlikely to ever be a real partner and will be a dependent for life.   Save yourself and your family before you get even more involved with him.  Someone doesn't have to be president of the bank, but they should at least be capable of being self sufficient.  Run!  

[glows]

1 hour ago, Cornelia83 said:

If I did decide end it, does anyone have any tips on how to sensitively approach such a conversation?

Tell him it’s not working out and wish him the best. Frankly with an attitude like his and his level of self-entitlement I’m not surprised if he begins to lash out at you and call you names, similar to how he’s done in the past. He’s been guilting you and bullying you this whole time and you still feel guilty and afraid to do what you know should have been done months ago. 

You don’t have to give him any reasons why it’s over as I’m sure it’s glaringly obvious why. Keep it short and sweet and block him when it’s finished as I also wouldn’t put it past him to weasel back in as an ex to couchsurf and blame or guilt you into the same patterns again. Stay single for awhile and spend your money instead on therapy. 

[chillii]

3 hours ago, Cornelia83 said:

@ExpatInItaly I think my problem is that my ex was so bad that I'm willing to over look this "minor" problem. But it's starting to become clear that this is not going to change. I've given it two years.

I also don't know how one would end it with someone for this reason. I mean, his main excuse has been "Covid knocked him down financially"  So how do you tell someone, "listen, seeing that you're struggling financially, I no longer want you". I mean - that sounds just awful, right?! And if it weren't for this, I would have definitely wanted to stay with him without a doubt.  

 

1 hour ago, Cornelia83 said:

If I did decide end it, does anyone have any tips on how to sensitively approach such a conversation?

 

l'd actually tell him the truth and that you can't build a future together like this. l know someone that gave him an option , they split for awhile and he did turn his life around they've been married 20yrs since. He's actually quite wealthy now.

Edited March 23, 2022 by chillii

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Cornelia83 said:

y I think my problem is that my ex was so bad that I'm willing to over look this "minor" problem. But it's starting to become clear that this is not going to change. I've given it two years.

I don't know how your ex could have been worse than this guy; but it's better to just be alone with your child than to invite loser men into your life.

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Cornelia83 said:

If I did decide end it, does anyone have any tips on how to sensitively approach such a conversation?

Honesty is the best policy.  Some things you can't sugar coat.  I'm not an advocate of being mean, but if he's a drain on you financially and he's going to call you names when you address a serious problem in the relationship, then it's a deal-breaker.

As long as he knows that you're not willing to accept a situation which is currently not working for you and he's showing no desire to help remedy, then that is all he needs to know.  It's his choice to digest that however he wishes.  Just don't get drawn into having to explain yourself in great lengths.  This is his problem, not yours.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Cornelia83 said:

Do I accept that this relationship will never grow into a partnership where we can build a life together, and just be glad for a good man (my ex husband was abusive) Or do I end it with someone who I love and loves me back - for practical reasons?

Only you can decide this.

I would suggest that it would not be for “practical reasons.” Money is the number one reason what couples fight and the number one reason for divorce. Don’t minimize the situation - it’s not just that he can’t afford to vacation with you, but you a gift, or spoil you sometimes. If you ended it, it would be because you have a partner who has a poor work ethic, who feels entitled to use you for his own financial gain, a man who can not support himself independently. Those are pretty big character and personal flaws - 

That said, if you decide that the love and support he offers is worth maintaining separate homes, paying for his diner, and travelling along or with friends - that would be ok too. Relationships work in all kind of ways, as long as you do the cost benefit analysis and you decide that the benefits outweigh the costs. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I have now come the the conclusion we can never build a live together. He can't even afford to rent with me, nevermind buying a house or that kind of thing. We can likely never travel together. And I resent him for never being able to spoil me a little (he literally can't afford it) - even though I have done that for him. Currently he doesn't have his own place and stays with friends, family and myself respectively.

This is overwhelming reason to dump this guy. You say it's head vs heart. Actually your head knows this is not a good relationship, and your heart does too. This is not a close case. Maybe your head and heart are in conflict about setting basic standards. If so, go get to therapy or read on relationships.

I would say 99.999 percent of the world's population doesn't want to be with a partner who lives like your partner lives (for a serious relationship--maybe casual is different). Seriously: 99.999 percent.