Relationship Heart and Head Conflict

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Cornelia83 said:

 I actually thought we'd drift apart when I moved out... but it seemed to strengthen things instead.

Free yourself from this. Moving out is the end of the relationship, so that should make things easier to get out of.

The longer you drag it out, the longer you'll be stuck and lonely.

[stillafool]

On 3/23/2022 at 2:12 PM, Calmandfocused said:

What’s getting my goat big time (about what you’ve told us) is his sense of “entitlement”. The “I’m above taking on work that I don’t want to do” and “everyone else should support me” attitude. 
 

His attitude stinks. Not only is it very unattractive, he has the mentality and self entitlement of an 8 year old. 

This guy is definitely financially abusing you.  He's no better than your ex husband.  If you stay with him you will be supporting him the rest of your life and he will never work.  When the sex dries up and the rubber hits the road you'll never be able to get rid of him.  

[BaileyB]

On 3/23/2022 at 1:12 PM, Calmandfocused said:

What’s getting my goat big time (about what you’ve told us) is his sense of “entitlement”. The “I’m above taking on work that I don’t want to do” and “everyone else should support me” attitude. 

He thinks this only because he gets away with it. He has people, OP included, that offer to pay his bills, buy his dinner, let him sleep on their sofa. If he had to stand in line at the soup kitchen and sleep under a bridge, his attitude may be different.   

Edited April 6, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

15 hours ago, Cornelia83 said:

Deep down I know what I need to do. But I really fear regret. I also fear his reaction: he's a sensitive person and this might really hurt him. So I'm procrastinating. I'm extremely conflicted hence me coming on here...

Please remember that if he chose to pull his own weight, he wouldn't be getting hurt.    Any feelings of pain he receives are nothing more than consequences for his choices.

[Alvi]

This guy reminds me of my father. Don't get me wrong, I do love my dad but I have no illusions as of what he is like. He married my mother because she had a place to live, her relatives gave him a job. He was 23 and never had a job before that. He was a terrible worker, didn't do half a stuff he was supposed to do, at times wasn't coming to work altogether. Many times he was taking "naps" at his work. My mom was working long shifts and different jobs but his laziness didn't affect us because her relative, the one that gave him a job, would not fire him (although he wanted to fire him many times).

And then we immigrated to Canada. That's where the problems started coming in. Simply to put it, my dad refused to work. My mom would grab a job, any job, sometimes she was working 2-3 full time jobs. Anything that came along, she would grab. A job is a job. But my dad felt that he was way too educated to get just any job. So instead he stayed unemployed for about 5 years. Why work if my mother was working and supporting him?  Once, after I graduated a school, he finally got a good job, just to his liking. He stayed there for one month exactly, he found it to be too difficult and apparently his coworkers were jealous of him. Yeah, right, lol. So he quit again. Over the years that followed, he was doing some odd jobs here and there, never stayed too long at any job. He was basically doing anything and everything that he would end up fired - not doing the actual job, not showing up, getting in an argument with his bosses, etc...I think that the longest that he ever work at any job is just one year. What he did all day is to eat, sleep and play at the computer. And oh yes, he did end up having few affairs on my mom. One with her friend. Whenever she tried to talk to him about getting a job, it ended up in a yelling match. Well, actually he was the one yelling and accursing my mother of this or that. How dare she complain? She was just crying quietly.

Back to now. My mom has a severe arthritis in her spine (she was told by the doctors it's because she worked too much) and a heart disease possibly from the stress. My dad on the other hand is a healthy, happy "retiree."  They hardly have any savings and I help them out whenever I can. My mom spent her entire life working, heck, practically slaving away because my dad refused to work. Relatives and friends asked her to divorce my dad, they saw how he was destroying her. I asked her to divorce him myself few times. But she would not. Why? Because she was afraid to end up all alone. So she put up with my dad, working, always working and working some more. Imagine doing all that so just you would not end up alone.  I got a job as a teen to help her out, but realistically, it wasn't that much.

Why am I writing all this? I don't know, but I read your post and it strike some cord with me. Perhaps I don't want someone else to end up like my mom working all time to support a lazy grown ass man who refuses to work. Now it is too late to get out of this for my mom (and no point anymore) but it is not too late for you. You have a whole life ahead of you. Get out while you can. Get rid of this leech. Find a guy who doesn't shy from a job, any job if necessary. It is not that he is not good with the money. Well, maybe he is bad with it, who knows? But to be either good or bad with the money, you need to earn it first, right? And he doesn't. You have a responsibility to your child but not to this man. 

Edited April 7, 2022 by Alvi

[glows]

On 4/6/2022 at 1:13 AM, Cornelia83 said:

Deep down I know what I need to do. But I really fear regret. I also fear his reaction: he's a sensitive person and this might really hurt him. So I'm procrastinating. I'm extremely conflicted hence me coming on here...

Thank you so much for your input!

I think I'm waiting for the right moment? Perhaps when we're not in a window of time where we're very close? I actually thought we'd drift apart when I moved out... but it seemed to strengthen things instead.

If you’re able to put your life in perspective and see that every moment and day that passes by could be a day free of him and living a life you ought to be living, it might remind you that this relationship isn’t right for you. 

 

[Calmandfocused]

17 hours ago, Alvi said:

This guy reminds me of my father. Don't get me wrong, I do love my dad but I have no illusions as of what he is like. He married my mother because she had a place to live, her relatives gave him a job. He was 23 and never had a job before that. He was a terrible worker, didn't do half a stuff he was supposed to do, at times wasn't coming to work altogether. Many times he was taking "naps" at his work. My mom was working long shifts and different jobs but his laziness didn't affect us because her relative, the one that gave him a job, would not fire him (although he wanted to fire him many times).

And then we immigrated to Canada. That's where the problems started coming in. Simply to put it, my dad refused to work. My mom would grab a job, any job, sometimes she was working 2-3 full time jobs. Anything that came along, she would grab. A job is a job. But my dad felt that he was way too educated to get just any job. So instead he stayed unemployed for about 5 years. Why work if my mother was working and supporting him?  Once, after I graduated a school, he finally got a good job, just to his liking. He stayed there for one month exactly, he found it to be too difficult and apparently his coworkers were jealous of him. Yeah, right, lol. So he quit again. Over the years that followed, he was doing some odd jobs here and there, never stayed too long at any job. He was basically doing anything and everything that he would end up fired - not doing the actual job, not showing up, getting in an argument with his bosses, etc...I think that the longest that he ever work at any job is just one year. What he did all day is to eat, sleep and play at the computer. And oh yes, he did end up having few affairs on my mom. One with her friend. Whenever she tried to talk to him about getting a job, it ended up in a yelling match. Well, actually he was the one yelling and accursing my mother of this or that. How dare she complain? She was just crying quietly.

Back to now. My mom has a severe arthritis in her spine (she was told by the doctors it's because she worked too much) and a heart disease possibly from the stress. My dad on the other hand is a healthy, happy "retiree."  They hardly have any savings and I help them out whenever I can. My mom spent her entire life working, heck, practically slaving away because my dad refused to work. Relatives and friends asked her to divorce my dad, they saw how he was destroying her. I asked her to divorce him myself few times. But she would not. Why? Because she was afraid to end up all alone. So she put up with my dad, working, always working and working some more. Imagine doing all that so just you would not end up alone.  I got a job as a teen to help her out, but realistically, it wasn't that much.

Why am I writing all this? I don't know, but I read your post and it strike some cord with me. Perhaps I don't want someone else to end up like my mom working all time to support a lazy grown ass man who refuses to work. Now it is too late to get out of this for my mom (and no point anymore) but it is not too late for you. You have a whole life ahead of you. Get out while you can. Get rid of this leech. Find a guy who doesn't shy from a job, any job if necessary. It is not that he is not good with the money. Well, maybe he is bad with it, who knows? But to be either good or bad with the money, you need to earn it first, right? And he doesn't. You have a responsibility to your child but not to this man. 

Alvi’s story is exactly what will happen to you Cornelia. Doesn’t sound like the life of luxury to me. It sounds like Hell! 
 

Alvi, I know he’s your dad but …. OMG lazy Is not a strong enough word. And your mother? Spent her life slaving herself for a man who evidently did not care about her. And it’s her whose paying the price now too with her health. Why oh why? 
 

Cornelia let this be a lesson to you. 
 

 

[Annaki]

So I’m divorced from a narcissist and have a young kid with him. I’m self employed and work VERY hard to give my child a decent and safe life.

A year after the divorce I met a man (mid 40’s) who is a complete opposite of my ex in a very good way. Emotionally intelligent, smart, kind and lots in common.

He is in a freelance profession that he loves but doesn’t bring in much money, but after my awful marriage I was just happy to date a decent person, I didn’t care about what they earn. Besides, he got by okay. And he has 2 degrees he could “fall back on”.

After a year of dating we decided to rent a home together. It suited me well as I wanted to be with him, plus save some money by sharing rent. He couldn’t afford the deposit so I paid it all and he promised to refund me his share “very soon”. (Never did) He often struggled to pay his half, and I had to loan him rent money so we wouldn’t get evicted. He has been blamed Covid for his lack of income since it started (fair enough but how much longer?) Toward the end he owed me a substantial amount in his share of the rent, plus I was paying for like 80% of the food and utilities. 

I told him we couldn’t live together anymore but we could still date. I couldn’t risk it financially with him. So I got a new place with my kid and he moved in with his mom in a rural town quite far away and stayed there for free. He would “visit” me for 1-2 weeks per month when he had jobs this side. I would resent him if he overstayed, because he’d rarely contribute towards food and electricity. Even brought it up twice, one of which he got angry at me and accused me of being “all about money”.

His mom immigrated now and he could no longer stay there. He told me he just wanted to come stay with me “one or two days while looking into a promising and cheap house sharing option he found for himself.
He came over, and put all his stuff in my garage (blocking access to my things) and he sleeps in a room I use as a work space on my sleeper couch (he doesn’t like my bed). I knew it wouldn’t be “just one or two days” but he had nowhere to go. So I was right. It’s been over 3 weeks now. He apparently didn’t “like” the house sharing accommodation because of the other house mates, so that’s off the table. I’m feeling so frustrated. I’m not happy or willing to host him and house him and feed him. 

To just make it more complicated, a week after he got here, in his estranged father passed away. He had to deal with conflicted grief and a funeral. He’s super depro. I feel too bad to ask him to move out due to this, but I resent him so much for staying and contributing so very little. His father’s house (10mins from me) is now available to him  to use for free, but he says it gives him the creeps. I would have thought it’s the perfect  solution, but that’s just me. 

I don’t know how to deal with this. He is a sensitive person. He just told me he’s selling a personal item to pay towards a fraction of last years deposit money owed to me. He’s trying but it’s not nearly enough. I don’t know how to deal with this.

After all this time I have very little hope that he’ll ever get his s*** together. I need a 50/50 partner financially. I’m tired of always “saving him”. We never ever even go on dates or anything because he’s just always broke. And I’m not willing to always pay.

So now he just stays here in my house behind a closed door (of my work room which is now occupied) all day and only comes out to eat and to jog. I’ve been cold to him due to my resentment and now he’s cold back. So the vibe here sucks.

I feel ready to break the whole relationship off but he’s depressed and dealing with his father’s death and has no where to go. I don’t know what to do.

 

[ShyViolet]

You should tell him to leave immediately.  He is taking advantage of you, being dishonest and freeloading.  Don't let 3 weeks turn into 3 months.  His father's death is sad but it's no excuse for him to move into your house without permission and use you.  Once he is finally out, don't date this man anymore.  

[stillafool]

He's a grown man.  Put him oiut.  It's not your job to parent both him and your child and right now you're acting like his mother.  Let him move back to his mom's or take his dad's house.  It's his problem if he thinks it's creepy.  Would he rather stay there or in the park.. His choice.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yeah no. You should have ended it with him long long ago!

Life is not about money but happiness.  Is he contributing to your happiness with his choices and actions?  Hell no!

He is a jerk. Kick him out and don’t look back.  You don’t need a man this badly.  It is better to be single than live like that.

Don’t forget he is an ADULT who makes his own choices. Do not feel bad for him.

[glows]

I’m sorry about the loss of his father. It’s never easy losing someone.

Regarding your relationship, the honeymoon stages wore off and I’m leaning more towards the fact that he’s always been this way. Wanting something different is trying to change him and you know already it’s a losing battle. Wouldn’t there have been plenty of loved ones like parents, siblings, past girlfriends and so on who would have liked to see him with more stability? You can’t be the only person wanting to see that or preferring that in a relationship. 

My point is you’re no pioneer now either… nothing will change. This is who he is. He wants to be accepted I’d assume as he is and maybe someone else can love or accept him but you’ll have to accept yourself that he’s not the one for you. Besides, you also have your child to think of and maybe you’re thinking also of what role models you’d hope to have your child surrounded by? You have family and you’re grounded, very different from him. Make a decision and stick with it. I think he has to go. 

[BrinnM]

It doesn’t even sound like there’s a relationship any longer. He occupies your home, and it makes you feel uncomfortable, obviously. Make him move into his dad’s house. It’s available. If he thinks it’s creepy, he can sell, pay you back what he owes, and look for a different place. 

Edited August 17, 2022 by BrinnM

[NuevoYorko]

You initially described him in very positive terms, but then you went on to share about his behavior.  All of it, bad.  Reread what you wrote.  There is not one mention of anything he does or says that contributes to your life in a positive way.   

Please end this before it drains you.  It's probably taking a significant toll on your everyday life, not to mention, what is a "relationship" like this teaching your chlld? 

I understand it's going to be tough to do it, but please tell him he has to go.  You can feel good about the fact that he has a perfectly viable option.  You're not kicking him out into a shelter or the street.   

Have you learned anything from this experience?

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Annaki said:

  So now he just stays here in my house .

He can go to social services/welfare and get help with housing, food stamps, mental and physical healthcare, employment training and assistance.

Someone like this should not be around your child. Your child needs to come first. You're not a homeless shelter or a mental health hospital.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, Annaki said:

I feel ready to break the whole relationship off but he’s depressed and dealing with his father’s death and has no where to go. I don’t know what to do.

That is not true. 

He can go to his dad's house, if there is no other option. He might not be comfortable, but that isn't your problem to worry about. He will either find a way to make that work, or he will be sleeping outside. I bet he will get over his discomfort very quickly when he finds himself without a roof over his head. 

It's time to stop enabling him. 

[Annaki]

Thank you everyone. I’m going to have to have a tough talk. It won’t be easy because I do care for and love him. But I can’t see me building a life with him. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Annaki said:

I’m going to have to have a tough talk. It won’t be easy because I do care for and love him.

You're not his mother, stop acting like it.

[salparadise]

On 8/18/2022 at 9:37 AM, Annaki said:

It won’t be easy because I do care for and love him. But I can’t see me building a life with him. 

I'm glad to see that you still acknowledge his humanity and vulnerability [ ] . A person is more than their financial means, or ability to "provide" as many would characterize it. [ ] , I realize that it's time for you to move on, and it's admirable that you continue to recognize him as a good person who is struggling and has few good options. 

Edited August 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
gender wars

[Annaki]

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

I'm glad to see that you still acknowledge his humanity and vulnerability despite all of the harsh kick-him-to-the-curb responses. A person is more than their financial means, or ability to "provide" as many would characterize it. But in the dating-mating game a man who isn't making bank is regarded with distain. The same is not the case in the other direction, and there would be talk of contributing proportionately and non-monetary contributions. Regardless, I realize that it's time for you to move on, and it's admirable that you continue to recognize him as a good person who is struggling and has few good options. 

To me it’s not about a man “providing” either. But I do feel like I need a 50/50 partnership. When I pull nearly all the weight I just don’t feel good. Thanks for your answer, indeed things are never black and white.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Annaki said:

To me it’s not about a man “providing” either. 

Nor to me. 

But you are correct that he has not been pulling his weight, and has essentially always been unable to support himself and instead relies on you (or his mother) It's not about not making bank. It's about him barely being able to contribute at all, and leaving you to do the majority of the heavy-lifting. At some point, one needs to start acting like an adult and putting in the effort to meet his partner half-way in whichever way he can. 

This guy isn't doing that. That's where boundaries come in, if that means the relationship needs to end, then you will know the best choice to make for yourself. 

[Annaki]

Update: 

So I decided to approach the subject in steps with him:

First, just ask him what is living arrangement plans are, then next time, tell him that he can't stay here indefinitely and finally, end things with him.

So this evening, during a walk, I carefully picked a good moment to ask "So what's happening with your living arrangement plans?" He went silent for a while - not expecting the question. Then he told me that "the guys from house sharing" are still waiting on him for a deposit, but he first needs to sell this personal item, and the money from that must go towards urgent vehicle repairs and the rest towards me for the amount owed to me as promised (bare in mind, it would cover like only 5% of what he owes me). And he says "So I can't exactly pay them a deposit as well as pay for my car and yourself, so I can't move in there at this time." My heart absolutely sank. So he has no intention of moving out of my house anytime soon. He told me he was coming for two days initially. 🙁

He then went on to tell me about a tenant renting a garden flat on his deceased father's property that is an "extremely toxic personality type" and that no one can stay there while this person lives there - the siblings are trying to evict him. Which just, to me, was his way of confirming to me that I must not expect him to go stay in that house at all.

Hearing that he, in no uncertain terms, intended to stay here indefinitely (and for free) just really upset me. I didn't know what to say yet, but I just kept thinking I have no choice but to end the relationship. I didn't talk to him during the walk again. My mind was buzzing. He then asked me why I was "tuning out" and went on a long lecture about how my "tuning out like that" has negative implications for my son and my relationship with him. It's as if he simply couldn't fathom why I might be upset.

In another twist of events, one of my closest friends started coincidentally working with his long term ex's best friend. Apparently this lady told my friend that I must just "Be careful with him, because his has a pattern of freeloading in terms of living with his partners". I think that may have been the final nail in the coffin for me.

I tried this evening to tell him I want to end things, but I just couldn't bring myself to. My son is with his dad this weekend so I think I will do it this weekend.

Can anyone give me some advice or input on how to approach it? How to word it to him and to make sure he understands I'm breaking up and he needs to leave my home asap without being mean?

My heart actually burns from the stress - I feel so used. How does he think this is okay?!

[Annaki]

On 8/17/2022 at 11:11 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You're not a homeless shelter or a mental health hospital.

This stood out to me - it's true.

[stillafool]

There is no nice way to break up with someone and ask them to move out.  It's not going to be easy, but it is necessary.  Just tell him the truth.  "You no longer want to be in this relationship and you want him to move out as soon as possible."  At this point I would forego any money (5% or whatever) and tell him he can use it towards moving with the guys in the house share or move back with his mom.  Hell, I'd probably pay for him to get in the house with those guys just to get rid of him.  His ex has confirmed he has a habit of using people so now you know it's not just you; but will likely be the same with any woman he gets with.

[Annaki]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

There is no nice way to break up with someone and ask them to move out.  It's not going to be easy, but it is necessary.  Just tell him the truth.  "You no longer want to be in this relationship and you want him to move out as soon as possible."  At this point I would forego any money (5% or whatever) and tell him he can use it towards moving with the guys in the house share or move back with his mom.  Hell, I'd probably pay for him to get in the house with those guys just to get rid of him.  His ex has confirmed he has a habit of using people so now you know it's not just you; but will likely be the same with any woman he gets with.

Thank you for your response! You're right, perhaps just getting straight to the point and ripping off the band-aid, is best. His mom has immigrated, that's why he could no longer stay there - that house is in a family trust and has now been cleared and locked up (plus he doesn't really own any furniture or homeware things). But his dad's place is available and furnished.

I was in fact thinking about telling him he should rather use that money from the sale of the item towards the deposit. I'd be happy to wait longer for my money back (I would need it back eventually - it's too large amount to just write off) Problem is - he has been trying to sell this item for weeks... But I don't think that should be my problem...

Edited August 18, 2022 by Annaki