Relationship Heart and Head Conflict

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Annaki said:

I'd be happy to wait longer for my money back (I would need it back eventually - it's too large amount to just write off) Problem is - he has been trying to sell this item for weeks... But I don't think that should be my problem...

I think that would be a nice gesture.  Also you don't really know how long it's going to take him to pay your money back.  I know it's a large amount but don't get your heart set on it.  It's better to let him move out and continue to wait on the money rather than let him stay, end up having to help him with other expenses and excuses that come up,  and still waiting on him to pay you back.  You'll never get him out like that.

Edited August 18, 2022 by stillafool

[chillii]

On 8/18/2022 at 2:32 AM, salparadise said:

I'm glad to see that you still acknowledge his humanity and vulnerability [ ] . A person is more than their financial means, or ability to "provide" as many would characterize it. [ ] , I realize that it's time for you to move on, and it's admirable that you continue to recognize him as a good person who is struggling and has few good options. 

 

But l suppose the biggest thing for the op , or the second situation here too, is that no one wants to be used and so op and the second need to protect themselves. For myself as a guy if l felt it was in a using scenario then l'd explain and say it's not on but if they'd like to start contributing then ok, if not though l'd have to pull the pin.

Edited August 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Annaki]

1 hour ago, chillii said:

l agreed and replied to this and now that's gone missing so it appears we can't even mention the other side of the coin.

But l suppose the biggest thing for the op , or the second situation here too, is that no one wants to be used and so op and the second need to protect themselves. For myself as a guy if l felt it was in a using scenario then l'd explain and say it's not on but if they'd like to start contributing then ok, if not though l'd have to pull the pin.

 

Edited August 19, 2022 by Annaki

[Alvi]

Are you familiar with a term hobosexual? Because the way you are describing this guy, he is totally a 100% hobosexual. if not, google it. Here is how Urban Dictionary defines hobosexual:

Hobosexual

Person who jumps into relationships to have a place to live.

That fool only with her for a roof, he's a hobosexual.

 

Here is a link to an article that perfectly describes a hobosexual guy just like yours. Please read it very carefully to understand what you have been dealing with:

https://torontosun.com/life/sex-files/are-you-dating-a-hobosexual-6-ways-to-spot-one

 

You are asking what to do? That depends on what do you want. Do you want him gone and be completely done with him? And that means that you are no longer willing to date him at all, even once in a while. Have you reached that breaking point in your so-called relationship with him or you are not there yet. I have a feeling that you are not done with him completely.

When you are ready to sever a relationship with him, the first thing that you have to do is to understand that pitying him is not going to do nothing. Being empathetic to his plight is going to do nothing. Worrying about him and his future is going to do nothing. I am willing to bet, and I don't think that I am wrong here, that he is going to find another woman to scam without much difficulty as soon as you dump him. Perhaps he is already looking for her, since you are hinting to him more and more about him pulling his financial weight in a relationship. Also, hinting and hoping that he is going to get a hint and move out is not going to do you much good. He knows what you are talking about but choses to ignore your hints. He turns things around and starts blaming you. He is very good at living a money free live (at your expense). You have to understand that you are never going to get your money back from him, it is what it is. Accept it. Don't expect anything back, just be done. It was a bad investment on your part to let him borrow any money or to pay for him, but it is done now. Consider it a lapse of judgement and a bad investment and promise to never repeat it again in the future.

You have to find a lawyer and start an eviction process once you are ready to break up with him. I can guarantee it is not going to be easy to get rid of him, he is going to use every trick to stay. if you are worried for your own safety, then why not to employ few big, burly guys, who would convince him to leave (nothing illegal, of course).

Don't feel bad for him, he is going to land on his feet. Promise you that.  Be more concerned about yourself and the example that you are setting for your daughter. Spend whatever extra money you have on your child, not on this grown ass man.  I totally get it, it sucks to be alone. Sometimes loneliness makes people do crazy stuff that they are not normally would ever do. But I think it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship like with this guy, who uses you financially. Don't you think?

 

[Weezy1973]

I wouldn’t count on getting any money back, unless you had a contract signed. Just chalk it up to a learning experience. 

[Gaeta]

Can you afford the deposit on his new place, if so pay it so he moves out right away and file all this under lesson *l've learn the hard way*.

You will never see your money again. Forget suing him he has no assets or revenue that can be held. Just do what needs to be done to have him out of your home and out of your life.

[Calmandfocused]

Personally I’ve no idea how you can continue to have sex with this man. How could you when every time he eats he’s taking food out of yours and your child’s mouth? 
 

I’m wondering if you or your child have had a birthday since you last posted? I guess that your partner didn’t get you a gift but was the first to eat the cake right? …

 

Look we told you when you first posted under a different username that he was using you. That nothing would ever change. Your response was always “but I love him”!! It still is. 
 

So now you know that on top of being a freeloader he is a user and a liar. So what are you going to do about it? 
 

Do what’s right for you and your child, end the relationship, and make healthier choices in the future? 

Or;

Continue being mummy to a baby in a grown man’s body, clinging to your position that it’s all going to work out because you “love him”? 
 

There are no other options. You need to pick one. 
 

However before you make your decision you should know that he doesn’t love you. He depends on you. That is not the same as love. 

[poppyfields]

@Cornelia83/ @Annaki (I am assuming you are one in the same), I think once you realize how this man has manipulated you, and continues to manipulate you, how mentally, emotionally and financially abusive he is, how much he is using you for his own self-interests and purposes, and that this is NOT love in any way, shape or form (in fact the opposite, he has zero respect for you) you will find the strength to tell him to leave and end your relationship.  I am hopeful of that anyway.

The problem is, is that he has manipulated so severely that he's got you believing that he is a good, kind person, that none of this is his fault, he's doing the best he can and that he loves you, which brings out YOUR nurturing and compassionate nature, you feel sorry for him and want to help him.

And as such, feel guilty and like a terrible person for wanting him to leave and breaking up with him.

NO! He is NOT a good person and having read this entire thread, as both @Cornelia83and @Annaki, he has very much done you WRONG, and it's 100% intentional. 

He KNOWS exactly what he's doing with all his sweet words of love, and the rest of it.  It's BS on the highest level, and I have no bones about saying he's a bonafide sociopath in the worst way.  

He shouldn't even be out on the streets, let alone dating, he is a scammer, a manipulator, a sociopath.

I know this is probably hard to digest after the manipulation he's been subjecting you to for so long, but he chose you for a reason, abusers typically do.  Because of your physically abusive past (which I am so sorry about), he knew you were the perfect candidate for this type of manipulation and abuse (which it is).

THAT is his job.  Manipulating women for money, housing, etc etc and if not you, another woman.   There is no love coming from this man, and again I am hopeful once you are finally able to recognize this and accept this, and stop deluding yourself into believing he's a good kind man down on his luck, you will dump his rear end.

Trust me, he will FINE!  He will most likely shrug his shoulders, manipulate some other sucker into letting him stay at his place, and go back on line and find another woman to manipulate and scam the same way he manipulated and scammed you.

Take care of YOU (and your child).   He's a grown man, he will be just fine.

 

 

Edited August 19, 2022 by poppyfields

[Annaki]

7 hours ago, Alvi said:

Are you familiar with a term hobosexual? Because the way you are describing this guy, he is totally a 100% hobosexual. if not, google it. Here is how Urban Dictionary defines hobosexual:

Hobosexual

Person who jumps into relationships to have a place to live.

That fool only with her for a roof, he's a hobosexual.

 

Here is a link to an article that perfectly describes a hobosexual guy just like yours. Please read it very carefully to understand what you have been dealing with:

https://torontosun.com/life/sex-files/are-you-dating-a-hobosexual-6-ways-to-spot-one

 

You are asking what to do? That depends on what do you want. Do you want him gone and be completely done with him? And that means that you are no longer willing to date him at all, even once in a while. Have you reached that breaking point in your so-called relationship with him or you are not there yet. I have a feeling that you are not done with him completely.

When you are ready to sever a relationship with him, the first thing that you have to do is to understand that pitying him is not going to do nothing. Being empathetic to his plight is going to do nothing. Worrying about him and his future is going to do nothing. I am willing to bet, and I don't think that I am wrong here, that he is going to find another woman to scam without much difficulty as soon as you dump him. Perhaps he is already looking for her, since you are hinting to him more and more about him pulling his financial weight in a relationship. Also, hinting and hoping that he is going to get a hint and move out is not going to do you much good. He knows what you are talking about but choses to ignore your hints. He turns things around and starts blaming you. He is very good at living a money free live (at your expense). You have to understand that you are never going to get your money back from him, it is what it is. Accept it. Don't expect anything back, just be done. It was a bad investment on your part to let him borrow any money or to pay for him, but it is done now. Consider it a lapse of judgement and a bad investment and promise to never repeat it again in the future.

You have to find a lawyer and start an eviction process once you are ready to break up with him. I can guarantee it is not going to be easy to get rid of him, he is going to use every trick to stay. if you are worried for your own safety, then why not to employ few big, burly guys, who would convince him to leave (nothing illegal, of course).

Don't feel bad for him, he is going to land on his feet. Promise you that.  Be more concerned about yourself and the example that you are setting for your daughter. Spend whatever extra money you have on your child, not on this grown ass man.  I totally get it, it sucks to be alone. Sometimes loneliness makes people do crazy stuff that they are not normally would ever do. But I think it is better to be alone than in a bad relationship like with this guy, who uses you financially. Don't you think?

 

Wow, that article like covered 80% of what I’m dealing with. Thanks for sharing.

[Alvi]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Can you afford the deposit on his new place, if so pay it so he moves out right away and file all this under lesson *l've learn the hard way*.

You will never see your money again. Forget suing him he has no assets or revenue that can be held. Just do what needs to be done to have him out of your home and out of your life.

This is a brilliant idea if you can afford it! Way to send him out of your life for good with a minimal fuss on his part. But of course, don't get together with him again after. Don't forget to change your locks once he is gone and block him everywhere.

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He shouldn't even be out on the streets, let alone dating, he is a scammer, a manipulator, a sociopath.

 

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He KNOWS exactly what he's doing with all his sweet words of love, and the rest of it.  It's BS on the highest level, and I have no bones about saying he's a bonafide sociopath in the worst way.  

This guy is a hobosexual.  This is exactly how hobosexuals operate. They give vulnerable women sweet words of love and empty promises in exchange for  them live for free in that said women's houses (and eat free food as well, and pay no bills either, and free sex). Are they sociopaths? I don't know, can't answer that. But scammers and manipulators for sure. There are women who operate in the same way, I am sure. 

[poppyfields]

16 minutes ago, Alvi said:

Are they sociopaths? I don't know, can't answer that. But scammers and manipulators for sure. There are women who operate in the same way, I am sure. 

Hi Alvi, I am fairly certain his behavior would fall under sociopathy.

From Psychology Today:  Sociopathy refers to a pattern of antisocial behaviors and attitudes, including manipulation, deceit, aggression, and a lack of empathy for others. Sociopathy is a non-diagnostic term, and it is not synonymous with "psychopathy," though the overlap leads to frequent confusion. Sociopaths may or may not break the law, but by exploiting and manipulating others, they violate the trust that the human enterprise runs on.  The defining characteristic of the sociopath is a profound lack of conscience—a flaw in the moral compass that typically steers people away from breaking common rules and toward treating others decently. This disconnect, however, may be hidden by a charming demeanor. There is both art and science to spotting sociopathy.

-------------------------

Not that it matters what we label him, the important thing is that the OP gets away from him!

 

 

 

Edited August 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[Annaki]

56 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Alvi, I am fairly certain his behavior would fall under sociopathy.

From Psychology Today:  Sociopathy refers to a pattern of antisocial behaviors and attitudes, including manipulation, deceit, aggression, and a lack of empathy for others. Sociopathy is a non-diagnostic term, and it is not synonymous with "psychopathy," though the overlap leads to frequent confusion. Sociopaths may or may not break the law, but by exploiting and manipulating others, they violate the trust that the human enterprise runs on.  The defining characteristic of the sociopath is a profound lack of conscience—a flaw in the moral compass that typically steers people away from breaking common rules and toward treating others decently. This disconnect, however, may be hidden by a charming demeanor. There is both art and science to spotting sociopathy.

-------------------------

Not that it matters what we label him, the important thing is that the OP gets away from him!

 

 

 

I do think Sociopathy is a bit extreme. He is someone who easily cries at others’ hurt. He’s definitely empathetic. But I do think he is manipulative and entitled. As if the world owes him something. And he almost seems to think it’s his right to stay here for free due to the fact that I can afford it and he can’t.