Not sure if I should end it (threads merged)

[PotatoHead]

It seems the easy times of remaining friends have come to an end.  Last night she was having a hard time and wanted me to be there, but I decided to hold boundaries and keep the distance that I needed, so she flipped on me.  Said it was too much to handle trying to be just friends when she wanted to be with me, knowing that I don't want to be with her.  She ended up sending me an email last night explaining her feelings and how hurt she was.  I responded with a lengthy letter explaining where I am at and why things are the way they are.  In the end I wished her the best and said I hope she finds happiness.  And that maybe someday she'd be willing to try being friends again.

This is definitely the most it has hurt for me since the breakup.  Until now I've felt only relief, and was happy thinking that I would still have a friend in her.  Maybe in time I will.  For now it is just going to be very lonely.  But I think I did the right thing.

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Last night she was having a hard time and wanted me to be there, but I decided to hold boundaries and keep the distance that I needed, so she flipped on me.

Very good! It is important that you maintain your boundaries and make her accountable for herself instead of allowing her make you responsible for her problems. 

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

For now it is just going to be very lonely.  But I think I did the right thing.

It will be lonely for the time being. However, the more time that goes by, and the more you maintain your boundaries (both with her, with your ex-wife, and with everyone else who makes demands upon your time (except your children, of course), the better you will feel moving forward. That "panicky" feeling you get when you try to set boundaries (because you are accustomed to trying to keep the peace and/or appease others) will eventually disappear and it will become second nature to maintain your boundaries because you've developed self-respect and will accept nothing less from those around you. You deserve the same respect and caring that you give to others.

[PotatoHead]

The other day we were talking normally and she decided to seduce me, and it worked.  Started out by sending me a couple of seemingly innocent pictures, that became less innocent as the day went on.  We had plans to just go to the gym together that night, which we did.  Then afterwards went to hang out at her house.  She knows I am a man with needs and can only withstand so much, and of course I wanted things to happen so I allowed it.  Everything seemed fine when I left the next morning and figured it might just be an occasional thing that happens.

While at her house I noticed that all of my things had been put away, our pictures and what not.  It's never easy to see but I expected it and didn't think much of it.  Fast forward to last night, it had been about a week since the previous incident.  Not wanting to go home to an empty house after the gym I asked if she wanted to come stay over, not with the intention of getting physical but just to sleep.  Everything was fine and we talked for a while, until on our way to the bedroom she pointed out that I had taken down our pictures "not just in the bedroom but in the living room too!" as if that was a big deal, and I didn't say anything.  Then she made a fuss about my putting away her tooth brush and other things, long story short she got emotional and after I showered and came to bed, she says she's leaving and made some other dramatic statements about me wanting to make it look like she never existed, deleting her from my house and that she doesn't feel welcome there.

I can totally understand it being hard and I would never pressure her to stay if she wasn't comfortable, knowing there isn't any real emotional attachment from me.  But I'm having a hard time telling if she is just unstable or trying to manipulate me into feeling something.  Like I said, she had put everything away at her house too.  Maybe not my tooth brush, but I don't get it.  By acting out like that I'm not sure I want to even continue trying to be friends.

[Wiseman2]

Seems to have gone full circle no? Mistress-to-GF-to-FWB. Perhaps you can only view her as a part-time noncommitted situation?

Now it's back to square one, except you're divorced and in chronic conflict with your children's mother.

[PotatoHead]

Is that supposed to be a jab for allowing things to have happened the way they did?  That's fine I suppose.  I'm handling the coparenting and their mother just fine for now, figuring out ways to deal with that.

I don't consider myself back at square one in any sense.  I'm taking the time to be single and work on myself and respect my own needs for the first time in my life.  I've recognized that I am not ready for a relationship.  I do still want to be friends with the ex-GF but I'm not sure she can handle it, especially not with the benefits.  Which I get is frowned upon to be FWB but to me, it's better than going out and getting it from random women.

[ExpatInItaly]

She doesn't want you to find a replacement for her until she finds yours. 

Her ego is taking a big hit, but that's all this is. She is clearing house but wants you to hang on to her until she is ready to cut you loose altogether. Just hypocritical and selfish noise on her end. 

[BrinnM]

19 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I'm taking the time to be single and work on myself and respect my own needs for the first time in my life. 

That’s a good way to look at it, you and your kids first. However, by sleeping with your ex you did nobody a favor. You knew this would end in drama, given her personality and how self-absorbed she seems. I don’t know why you’re pursuing a friendship with that woman. It will cause nothing but harm, and more drama, and you’ll never be able to disconnect from her. Don’t do that anymore. 

[vla1120]

21 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I'm taking the time to be single and work on myself and respect my own needs for the first time in my life. 

THIS should be your number one priority. Trust me. Until you do this ^^^^ you will not be ready for a relationship. I wish I had taken this advice, myself.

21 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I've recognized that I am not ready for a relationship.  I do still want to be friends with the ex-GF but I'm not sure she can handle it, especially not with the benefits. 

Kindly, you must have known nothing good would come from sleeping with her. You really cannot be friends with her, let alone, FWB (unless you want the drama that comes with that. Since you posted about it, I'm assuming you don't want to invite that drama into your life.)  IMO, you won't be ready for a relationship until you do the necessary work on yourself, alone, by going through the realization of what might have gone wrong in your past relationships, the role you played in those failures, and having a clear understanding of what you are looking for and willing to accept in a partner moving forward. (At least, this is what I've experienced for myself.)

21 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Which I get is frowned upon to be FWB but to me, it's better than going out and getting it from random women.

I realize we all have "needs." The way I think of it is that (how can I put this.....) for me, the couple minutes of "ultimate pleasure" being with a man isn't worth everything else that comes with interacting with another human being on that level when I am trying to work on myself. There are ways for me to take care of those "needs" on my own. Once you've done the work on yourself and are actually ready for a relationship, imagine having the self-awareness and ability to find a partner that truly meshes well with you, no drama, no heartache, making the "pleasurable" moments all that more pleasurable and rewarding, with no drama afterwards.

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

the role you played in those failures

Let me clarify that the role you played in those failures might be as simple as selecting the wrong woman with whom to have a relationship by ignoring the red flags. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I'm handling the coparenting and their mother just fine for now, figuring out ways to deal with that. I'm taking the time to be single and work on myself and respect my own needs for the first time in my life.  I've recognized that I am not ready for a relationship.

That's good insight. You've been honest with your GF but unfortunately sending mixed signals by hooking up.

[PotatoHead]

20 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I realize we all have "needs." The way I think of it is that (how can I put this.....) for me, the couple minutes of "ultimate pleasure" being with a man isn't worth everything else that comes with interacting with another human being on that level when I am trying to work on myself. There are ways for me to take care of those "needs" on my own. Once you've done the work on yourself and are actually ready for a relationship, imagine having the self-awareness and ability to find a partner that truly meshes well with you, no drama, no heartache, making the "pleasurable" moments all that more pleasurable and rewarding, with no drama afterwards.

This does make sense.  I guess it is just hard for me to let go, and of course it feels good having someone there.  I don't feel that by hanging out just as friends or even hooking up, it is hindering my own work on myself, as for me it is just someone to hang out with and socialize or yes just getting that momentary satisfaction.  But I can see what you mean now, that there will be drama that comes along with it since she is wanting more and still has that emotional attachment.  I still have it too somewhat, but I have my limits to what I can allow myself to feel before reminding myself why I ended things in the first place.  I definitely don't want the drama and when that comes about, it does not make me want to continue having any kind of interaction.  So I think things will work themselves out naturally.

[vla1120]

21 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

and of course it feels good having someone there. 

I understand that. You also need to feel JUST as good being alone, by yourself, in your own skin. It's healthy. It's self-love/self-care. It's empowering. 

[PotatoHead]

1 minute ago, vla1120 said:

I understand that. You also need to feel JUST as good being alone, by yourself, in your own skin. It's healthy. It's self-love/self-care. It's empowering. 

 

I am definitely making steps in that direction.  I already do appreciate the time to myself, being able to do what I want and when I want, having a bed to myself.  The harder part comes when it feels there is no one to talk to, and I know she will always be there.