dumped and in need of some clarity. How can she not want to be with me anymore!??

[anotherconfusedlover]

Ok, so I've read a lot of the threads on here hoping to find some relief and understanding to my situation. For the most part it is very helpful. But I want to share my story and see if anyone has some insight or advice for me.

 

To begin, my ex and I were together for just a little over a year. Though that is not as long as some of the other relationships I feel like we really bonded together. When we first got together we basically started to live with each other right away. No dating period, just straight to a serious live-in thing.

 

Here is the kicker, she is 6 years younger than me, I'm almost 27, and she just turned 21. Getting involved with her in the first place seems to have been a big mistake on my part. Because she just turned 21 and then left me about 2 weeks later. I know, I know that is one of the most common things out there. But still every situation is somehow unique, right?

 

OK so I want to rant a little about how I feel I've been wronged.... I basically gave everything to this girl, my time, my money, love, energy, etc. I would have done anything for her and still would if it wasn't for all this anger I still feel about how she dumped me. She dumped me on Sep 28th, which was just a little over one week after I took her on a $1000+ vacation (to celebrate her 21st) to another island in Hawaii. It is a long story but here goes, back in July my ex was just coming home from her morning Yoga and she was talking on the phone to someone. I got a weird feeling about it, because I could tell she felt guilty about something. Anyway I looked on the cell phone (which I paid for!) and found that she had just had a conversation with someone for over an hour. I asked her who, trying to control my rising feelings of distrust but having to know the truth. She said her friend Mary, but I knew better and soon had her admitting that it was a guy from her work. I was very pissed and wanted her to admit to wanting to try to start something with this guy. I was ready to tell her to move out at the point and hit the road. But she convinced me that she just was interested in him as a "friend" and that she loved me. But most of all she made me feel like I was IRRATIONAL and MEAN for not trusting her!! Anyway I forgave, tried to forget, and actually believed that I WAS WRONG for NOT TRUSTING HER. Jump forward to our vacation where we decided together that she needs to have her own place to live for awhile because it seemed that our occasional arguments/fights were caused by us moving too fast in the beginning. So I feel like we have a hope for the future, because I believe she wants to love me. And I know I love her.

 

So we came back and the very first day I was back at work I now know she called that same guy from back in July. And just one week after that she said she had to leave me temporarily and went to live with her female friend until she could get her own place. At the time she said she still loved me and wanted me in her life. Anyway I also know now that as soon as she left me she started to have a physical relationship with that other guy. She lied to me about it for 2 weeks after she first left because she says she didn't want to hurt me. I really had to beg her and beg her for the truth until finally it came out! But she didn't explain why or how just that it was. Ever since then I've done my best to do the NC thing. I don't call her, but she calls me and wants to hang out for a little while every couple of days. I don't know if it is out of just guilt or maybe she still feels like she might want to be with me again?? On top of all this, when she left she also left all of her stuff at my place, everything she owned. Slowly each day she would come by and pick up a few more necessities and take that opportunity to see how hurt I was and how much I wanted her back. Suffice to say that I ended up having to spend a whole day packing up her stuff and storing it out of sight. She still has not got all her stuff and it's been almost a month, WTF!!!!!!!

 

BTW, she still uses the cell phone that I bought for her and I continue to pay for. I know that she has called this guy obsessively since we broke up, like many many times throughout the day not even talking to him just calling voice mail. I also know that she has been texting another different guy (also from work) like crazy. She is obviously searching for a lot of male attention right now.

 

Now she is totally living with that guy. I can’t understand it! Her big thing was always being able to be independent for herself, but she just has gone straight into another crazy fast relationship. When she last came over to see me, I couldn't help it. I had to ask her why she is freaking hung up on someone else so freaking fast. She said because she IDOLIZES him! What the hell is that? I asked how/why? She said because he is so charismatic, and girls like him, boys like him. It really is so weird and crazy. Because what kind of guy could this really be to go into such an obviously crummy situation. She can't be all there can she? I mean I would never want to hook up and have a girl move in with me that just broke up with her boyfriend. IT IS JUST GROSS! I am pretty successful in life and I make a good income. I loved her completely she knows that, why would some loser who has no real accomplishments be so much more desirable than me!!? Plus what about all the sacrifices I made, why doesn't that matter to her anymore?

 

Deep down I know I am way better off without a confused selfish person like her. Her past is full of pain and she really doesn't have a solid family. I tried my best while we were together to reconnect her to her family but she never really was willing to try hard enough. I put her in contact with her separated Mother and Father, who she hadn't talked to for years. But now she doesn't even talk to them anymore. The only thing she seems to care about is herself and how much other guys like her. But its so sad because I know she is setting herself up for more pain. My love for her makes me want to keep helping her, but I know that it is hurting me so much. What can I do?? I don't want to see her fail, I want her to be independent and have her own place. But I don't think thats going to happen. Somehow I hope that maybe I could still help her. I don't want to see her fail over and over again. She even admitted that she knows she's making a mistake. But that doesn't seem to matter in action. Deep down of course I feel like she still loves me and cares for me. I know something is still there. But in all reality if she is screwing someone else and obviously completed infatuated with them doesn’t that mean we will never ever be together again?? That she has no attraction to me? I am starting to feel sorry for myself again... love sure is confusing sometimes. I hope some of you can help me get some clarity on this. It sure is a tough and lengthy process. Any help would be a godsend.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. Somehow I hope that maybe I could still help her.

2. I don't want to see her fail over and over again.

3. She even admitted that she knows she's making a mistake.

4. But that doesn't seem to matter in action.

5. Deep down of course I feel like she still loves me and cares for me.

6. I know something is still there.

7. But in all reality if she is screwing someone else and obviously completed infatuated with them doesn’t that mean we will never ever be together again?? 8. That she has no attraction to me?

 

1. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. What she wanted from you, she got and big time. She used you and continues to do so.

2. The best way to not see this, is to cut her out your life so you don't have to see it happen. You can't stop her from doing what it is she is going to do.

3. I think she is telling you this because she knows you want to hear it.

4. Of course not. She's doing exactly what she wants to do, and knows that she can continue to keep you hanging in the process.

5. You'll need to put that right out of your mind for right now - this is largely wishful thinking.

6. For you, maybe. What is there for her is that she will do the bare minimum to make sure you are still available for her use.

7. It means that until she is tired of this guy, she will not be with you. When she is tired of him she may come back to you and use you until she can find another guy to screw.

8. It would do best to not even consider this right now.

 

You want to see where this girl's heart is? You'll have to take some drastic measures.

 

1. Cancel the cell phone service that you are paying for.

2. Pack any stuff she left behind and dump it all in the front yard. Have a friend call her to come pick it up - and if she does not, it goes on the curb for the trash collectors. Arrange not to be there when she gets there. If she has keys, change the locks.

3. Block any method or means she has of contacting you. Do not let her contact you, and do not contact her. AT ALL. Even if she mails you a letter - mark it 'return to sender' and send it back unopened.

 

I know you want to 'be there' for her, and you want to 'show her that you love her' but look where that has gotten you thus far: she took an enormous dump right on your heart in exchange for all you have done for her and given her. Time to try something new - solid, ice cold 'no contact'. Walk away from her. If she wants you, she will come after you. If she doesn't, she'll simply let you walk away from her. Be prepared though - selfish women like this don't take kindly to having their 'sure thing' up and disappear on them.

 

You'll want to make your focus 'moving on'.

 

Every day that is wasted on this girl, is a day stolen from finding a girl who will not only reciprocate your kindness and generosity but will actually show you the love back that you deserve.

[allaboutchoices]

Even if she mails you a letter - mark it 'return to sender' and send it back unopened.

 

What if there is no return address?

Great advice btw, as usual.

[westernxer]

Here is the kicker, she is 6 years younger than me, I'm almost 27, and she just turned 21.

 

Another thread about a 21-year-old heartbreaker. It's become an epidemic.

[allaboutchoices]

It's that time of a month:D

They are entitled to heart-breaks, too. I wish I found LS when I was 21 and a heart-breaker. Oh wait, I wasn't heart-breaker at 21:confused:

[whereismylifegoing]

i know how you feel......read my posts......basically your beat and move on. it will literally drive her crazy. it won't right away but it will get to her after a while. and get it out of your head that she is coming back because more than likely it won't happen.

good luck to you and hope for the best

sorry to be cut and dry but it's the truth...love hurts and she is too immature anyways. i spent close to 4500 on a vacation to korea for my ex and she dumped me three weeks later. so i have you beat by 3500.

[anotherconfusedlover]

Even if she mails you a letter - mark it 'return to sender' and send it back unopened.

 

What if there is no return address?

Great advice btw, as usual.

 

No return address than into the trash right? LucreziaBorgia is right on the money for sure, but maybe it isn’t really necessary for me to treat her cruelly and cause her more problems? Let me explain. Because I know she wasn’t as lucky as I to have a good family and upbringing I feel that I should be the better person and help her. At the same time I know I need to be strong and forget about any idea of being together again. I don't care to be her friend and see her regularly after how she disposed of me but at the same time I want to remain to be a positive influence on her if she so desires it. Maybe its too late for that to be possible, but I think I will look back it all in a better light if I just be a man about it and know in my heart that someone better for me will come along.

 

My concern is how can I accomplish this goal for myself? Any insight on what I could expect if I try to be her friend and consoler? She always trusted me to provide her with a different perspective on things. She is very vocal about that and actually gets upset at me if I say all or nothing. Am I completely delusional? Is she just making herself say that to deal with the residual guilt or fear of losing a “sure thing”? Would someone that had loved you really just use you for their benefit without giving a damn about you? That seems cynical and ultimately depressing. I hope to hear that you can be friends with an ex. Still love them for who they are but allow yourself to realize that you are not right for each other? I feel like if I was to meet someone really cool then I would forget about the pain between me and my ex. If I don't soon then I probably will continue to wonder, even though I think that if she did want us to be initimate that I could not do it because of how she treated me in the past. Maybe that is wishful thinking too. I guess time will tell. Focusing on yourself is definitely the best thing to do after a breakup. You have to tell yourself that your life is just beginning again, that your opportunities and potential is endless.

 

Much love to all the LS members exemplified by LucreziaBorgia for being true to themselves and helping others. This site and everyone coming together is way cool.

[anotherconfusedlover]

i know how you feel......read my posts......basically your beat and move on. it will literally drive her crazy. it won't right away but it will get to her after a while. and get it out of your head that she is coming back because more than likely it won't happen.

good luck to you and hope for the best

sorry to be cut and dry but it's the truth...love hurts and she is too immature anyways. i spent close to 4500 on a vacation to korea for my ex and she dumped me three weeks later. so i have you beat by 3500.

 

 

yeah man I read a few of your posts already. It sure is a rollercoaster ride dealing with a break up from someone you really desire. But you know it was all worth it right? Nothing can take away your memories and she'll have them too. You just have to realize that we are all here to enjoy life. You have to apperciate what you can while you're here. Money is material and temporary anyway.

[westernxer]

I hope to hear that you can be friends with an ex.

 

Some can, others cannot.

 

If it hurts to be friends (knowing you want more but can't get it) then don't be her friend. Simple as that.

 

Sometimes you have to go into survival mode, otherwise you'll kill yourself.

[anotherconfusedlover]

After more thought I really don't like the idea of her thinking I am waiting in the wings in any kind of way, that the possibility even exists. I guess the only way to convey the message is too X her completely out. It seems that even just being someone's friend gives them the idea that they can manipulate or use you. Especially a person that knows you and all your hidden weaknesses.

 

Not to be a whiner, but it's going to cost me more money to cancel her cell phone. Damn ripoff early termination fee! I can't throw her stuff away yet, though I'd love to burn it and roast some marshmellows over her memories

[anotherconfusedlover]

Another thread about a 21-year-old heartbreaker. It's become an epidemic.

 

HEADS UP ALL YOUNG SUCCESSFUL MEN!! Don't expect anything concrete from any hot girl under 25! MTV and Hollywood has corrupted them all LOL

[guest1]

Yeah man, those 21-year old girls are confusing. I had one pursue me for two years (while she had a boyfriend) and then after she dumps him she tells me she just wants to be friends with me. And *then* she says "Call me in 3 or 4 years". I guess so she can sow her wild oats during that time. Can you believe that?

[J dub]

>After more thought I really don't like the idea of her thinking I am waiting in the wings in any kind of way, that the possibility even exists. I guess the only way to convey the message is too X her completely out. It seems that even just being someone's friend gives them the idea that they can manipulate or use you.

 

THANK GAWD SOMEONE ACTUALLY MADE A BREAK THRU ABOUT THIS FRIENDSHIP CRAP. I commend you, anotherconfusedlover, you made this realization much faster than a lot of others.

 

>Especially a person that knows you and all your hidden weaknesses.

 

BINGO.

 

>Not to be a whiner, but it's going to cost me more money to cancel her cell phone.

 

Not true -- she will keep using that thing til the end of time, or until you cut her off, whichever comes first. I'm hoping its the latter, because even with the termination fee it'll be cheaper and if for some reason it isnt (which I CANT imagine) than at the very least you are sending the message to her that she can't have her cake and eat it too. I'll be damned if I pay for a cell phone that my ex uses to talk to other girls - guys in your situation -- I'd infuriate me to the point of ...who knows. You are being the "nice" guy, DONT BE THE NICE GUY. Not when she walked out on you! You owe her nothing!

 

>I can't throw her stuff away yet,

 

Yes you can, but you wont. Which again lands you in the nice-guy category. Us females usually dont respect those who allow us to walk all over them, sad but true fact.

 

>though I'd love to burn it and roast some marshmellows over her memories

 

Kum-bay-yah around the campfire, man !!