Am I guilty for everything or wasn't he really interested?

[Plllover]

A couple months ago, the guy I was dating told me “I’m leaving for 7 months to an exchange program to [European Country name here]”. I have family (my sister, cousins, aunt and uncle) living abroad and I thought to myself “Wow another person I love leaving?”. It’s really hard having family members and people you love living so far away. I’m still to this day adjusting to that, it’s really difficult because I miss them every day and I can’t just take a plane and visit them randomly because of my economy.

A couple weeks after I asked him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, because we were acting like a couple, I met his parents, I met his friends, they all knew my name. We were seeing each other very frequently. And I felt a deep connection with him, like we have deep feelings for one another. And I asked him about the 7 months that he was going to be away. And he told me he doesn’t believe in labels, and that we should do our separate lives when he’s away. I remember crying a bit when he told me that, but then we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And I decided to “forget” about the conversation we had about him going away and our relationship when that time comes.

Time passed and we were a couple. My grandfather passed away from cancer at the beginning of February, and my boyfriend’s friends threw a surprise farewell party for my boyfriend - barely a week after my granddad died. When my boyfriend arrived it’s like he didn’t talk to me. He ignored me for his friends. They started talking about February 14th (valentines day) and that on that day it was going to be his friends birthday and I don’t know what else he had to do that day. I should mention it was the day before he’d leave, too. So, Valentine’s Day, and the day after he’d leave. So I told him “we should do something on Valentine’s Day, it’s our special day!”. And he told me “I have to do x and y and z -I don’t remember exactly the things he had to do- on Valentine’s Day, so we should do something the day before because I can’t that day”.

I started crying because I didn’t feel like a priority to him. I didn’t feel like I was his number one priority. And then I started crying and I told him “you didn’t even speak to me, you were with your friends and ignored me. Also, there are a lot of things going on in my life, I’m sorry I’m crying like this, I really am. I don’t want to cry but a lot has happened recently”. He knows that my sister, aunt, uncle and cousins live abroad, and it’s hard for me because I miss them. And also him going away and the passing of my granddad wasn’t a great mix for the occasion.

I left from the party early crying. And the day after, I went out with a friend of mine and I drank alcohol. I drank like 2 or 3 beers and when my dad came and picked me up, he could smell the alcohol and asked me if I drank to which I said “no”. He could sense that I was lying and he got really angry. My parents don’t want me to drink alcohol even though I’m 24 years old - don’t comment “move out”, I know I should do that, and I will, and I know now. I know this is uncommon -. I once came back home really drunk - almost passed out - and since then they don’t want me to drink. So that’s the reason why they don’t want me to drink and they repeat to me all the time “please don’t drink” every time I go out but I didn’t even listen to them this time. So they got really angry at me - because basically they are scared of me coming back home drunk like that time I almost passed out.

They grounded me - again, I know I have to move out, so don’t comment that - and prohibited me from going out of my house, including my boyfriends house. Three days before he’d leave they didn’t let me go to my boyfriends house and eat dinner. My boyfriend got really pissed at me, because according to him this was “ridiculous”. He also said that it’s three days before he leaves, that this is cruel. I agreed. And he told me that I don’t really care about the relationship because if I cared enough I would’ve scaped my house to see him. But he doesn’t understand how harsh my parents are when they are firm on something. This was really hard for me, because those were the last few days my boyfriend was going to be in my country, and then he’d leave for the exchange program for seven months. I got really mad at my parents because yes- this was beyond cruel. He was my boyfriend and they didn’t even let me do a proper goodbye and I felt like my world was crumbling down. I hated my parents for that period of time.

I had to explain to my boyfriend that my parents are strict and that if I did that - escaping my house to see him -, it would be way worse. He still couldn’t believe how I just couldn’t escape my house to see him because according to him, relationships are all about sacrificing for the other person. And I didn’t sacrifice nothing. He was really upset and even told me “I feel like I’m dating a little girl.”

He knows how my parents are. They don’t let me sleep over at his house, and they don’t want him to sleep over at mine. When I drink alcohol with him I’m afraid of going back home because I’m afraid they’ll punish me, and he could see that, and he even told me that. One time, the condom broke, and we had to leave my house at 2am to buy the pill. My mother started texting me saying “where are you going?” And I had to tell her the truth. She started insulting me over the phone and I had to tell him. And he couldn’t believe how controlling my mother was. There are more things like this, that show how controlling my parents can be.

And so in this situation I had to explain to him that my mother is controlling and sometimes talks s*** to me even when I don’t deserve it. And it’s not like she does it all the time, but over time it turns the relationship sour. I didn’t tell him the atrocities my mom tells me when she’s mad, because it was a lot. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me. And then he asked me “do they mistreat you? I really love you but you never told me that you wanted to leave the house/situation. I always brought it up to you but you would just say ‘it’s nothing, that’s just how they are’ and leave it behind.”. That because basically I didn’t want him to know how my mother really is. But now he knows. And he said “oh so I kind of imagined something like this happened to your sister, so that’s why in part she left the country and moved away”. And I was like, yes.

The next day he decided to come to my house - my parents wouldn’t let me go out but they did let me have people come over, nonsense, I know but whatever - so he came home. He said something along the lines of “it really hurts my feelings that you don’t want to see me before I leave. You wouldn’t even sacrifice a little bit”. And I explained to him again everything. We agreed to continue as a couple, but, on his words, “he won’t forget what happened and what I chose to do”. And he was like “you need to make a plan and leave [the house]. Don’t sit still in this situation. I’m here to support you”.

The day before he left (valentines day), I had to beg and implore my dad to go see my boyfriend. I told him, crying, “it’s Valentine’s Day + he’s leaving tomorrow!” So they let me go but just for 2 hours. I went to his house for two hours and it was amazing and I was really happy. We could have sex (hehe) and we did a proper goodbye. I told him that my parent’s anger was subsiding, so that’s why they let me come over.

The day after, he left. We texted a couple days after, but then he became colder and colder. I asked him if I did something wrong and he told me “no you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m not mad, I’m just really busy”. We did a video call and he asked me to take a break from the relationship because he was really far away and busy and he just couldn’t sustain a relationship like this. He told me he just wasn’t ready for a relationship like this. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he told me “breaking up its a lot. This is a break.”. I told him that I loved him but he didn’t say it back. We both cried because we talked about a lot of things and subjects and stuff. And he told me he really misses me and he feels sorry for not being able to give me the attention I deserved. I asked him If he had met someone and he told me no. Like, he didn’t fall in love with someone else.

To this day, he likes my posts on Instagram, my stories too sometimes. I like his stories too. The other day he replied to a story I posted. And yesterday was the last day we spoke. We still communicate normally but only through Instagram. The other day he posted a photo hugging another woman. He had the nerve to post it on his stories, but sadly I’m not allowed to say anything since we are on a break from the relationship. It’s really sad and I feel like I feel worse and worse every day. Because I don’t know what he’s really up to. And I kind of feel like I deserve it? I know no one deserves to be cheated on, but why do I feel like it’s something I have to go through? I feel like I “deserve” this after making the mistake of drinking and getting grounded right before he left.

I remember asking him on the video call “and what about your friends?” And he was like “they aren’t my friends anymore until I return, that’s how this works. I’m really far away”. He also said on the video call that he doesn’t believe in labels, again, and I was like “but I do!”. We talked about my whole parent situation again and he was like “we already talked about this. That situation didn’t help all of this either. It didn’t help”. And he stood again with his position of “it wasn’t important enough for you to see me before I left”. And I replied “I don’t agree with you on that. It’s not like that, it’s not like what you are saying”. I told him that the other day my mother bullied me really bad and he asked me to tell him what she said to me, but I was embarrassed. I told him “we’ll talk about this another time. It’s really embarrassing for me to tell you the nasty things she said to me”.

When we finished the video call I felt peace. I told him that I wanted him to be happy. I was like, you do you. And I love you. We talked about a lot of things. Good and bad things. Pretty and nasty things. We communicated. And now, he likes my posts and stories and I don’t know what to think about it. I really do feel a lot of things for him. On the video call I told him that, that I had strong feelings for him, and he started crying. I don’t know why he cried but it was like we were opening our hearts to each other.

Now I really miss him and this situation sucks. Also him posting all the time that he’s going out to parties and hugging other women makes me feel like trash. Like, he doesn’t care that he asked for a break? He doesn’t care about me, at all? We are still texting, but only on Instagram. It’s like he still has me present, but what is this? I need a companion, a partner, someone I can count on. And I feel like he just isn’t there for me. Also after everything he knows about my parents it’s like he doesn’t care? My sister came to visit, but in a few days she’s leaving, and I’m going to feel empty and sad and depressed again, and I don’t want that. I’m going to feel alone and I hate it. This is a rough patch on my life. I feel like everything is crumbling down. With everything that happened and everything I’ve been through, I need kind advice. I’m also grieving the loss of my grandparent and I feel like everything has changed. A lot of people gone from my life. And I feel alone.

I do think that I shouldn’t have drank alcohol because I know how my parents are when they get angry. And they got angry just before my boyfriend left. I just didn’t think about the consequences when I started drinking. Maybe I was trying to call for attention and I did it all wrong. Maybe he saw what I did and he got upset because this was a form of “punishment” to him for leaving. I really don’t know what he thinks. I remember him telling me he felt he was dating a “little girl” because of my parent’s punishment. And he was like “all of this happens right before I leave? Why? If this had happened like, I don’t know, two months ago, well, we just don’t see each other for a couple of days, but just now??”.

I also think that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. That I’m going through a lot of changes in my life, and that it’s hard figuring out that your boyfriend is going away for such a long time, after I’ve suffered a lot of losses. And maybe he has been too harsh to me after telling me everything he told me, and after leaving me alone in this time of my life. And also posting all this photos partying and hugging other women? It’s just too much for my heart and psyche to handle. I feel dirty and like I’m being used and cheated on. Also I feel guilty? I mean, is it my fault that we’re on a break and is it my fault that he may be cheating on me?

This is really delicate and I need delicate advice. Please don’t insult me, give me gentle but honest advice. I really need it. Thank you so much for reading and getting to this point in my post. I really appreciate it and I thank you in advance for your insight, help, and advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, honey. 

This guy was never as interested as you were. It's best to let him go and next time don't wait around for a guy who doesn't want to be your boyfriend. 

[glows]

When there’s a break up neither of you owe each other anything else afterwards. He can post as much as he wants with anything he likes with other women on his social media feed. 

I’m sure you are aware that staying in touch isn’t good for you. 

Concentrate on moving out and gaining your financial/personal freedom also. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Plllover said:

A couple months ago, the guy I was dating told me “I’m leaving for 7 months to an exchange program to [European Country name here]”.❤️

He gave you a very specific end point and was crystal clear that he's not that interested. 

It was a fun couple of months fling.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available single men who are interested in what you are interested in.

[Plllover]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, honey. 

This guy was never as interested as you were. It's best to let him go and next time don't wait around for a guy who doesn't want to be your boyfriend. 

Thank you for your response ❤️ The thing is, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. But I don’t know why I feel like I ruined everything. I really felt like he cared for me, but was it all a lie then? 

[Plllover]

12 hours ago, glows said:

When there’s a break up neither of you owe each other anything else afterwards. He can post as much as he wants with anything he likes with other women on his social media feed. 

I’m sure you are aware that staying in touch isn’t good for you. 

Concentrate on moving out and gaining your financial/personal freedom also. 

We aren’t texting anymore and I think this is the best for me. I think it’s unfair, this whole situation. It’s unfair that a lot of people I love left just like that, and now I feel like I’ve been left behind by him. It’s really harsh and I guess you have to live through a lot of losses like I did to really get to understand me. I feel like he left me in the cold when I most needed him.

Yes little by little with time I’m going to keep on moving forward with my goals and everything I have to do to gain my independence. 

Thank you for your response

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't care for you the same way you cared for him, and he was always clear that there was an end-date in sight. He just found it easier to blame you rather than being honest that he didn't intend to continue the relationship once he left. 

So while it wasn't a lie, exactly, his feelings did not run anywhere near as deeply as yours. When you meet a guy who is truly into you, you will see the difference immediately. This one wasn't going  to last. 

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Plllover said:

he told me he doesn’t believe in labels, and that we should do our separate lives when he’s away

Unfortunately he was very clear that it was short term and didn't want to be "labeled". 

He's right. Live your own life locally, think of this as a fun fling and now you're free to date others.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, Plllover said:

I think it’s unfair, this whole situation. It’s unfair that a lot of people I love left just like that, and now I feel like I’ve been left behind by him.

This isn't all on him, to be fair. 

You ignored red flags along the way. 

[Plllover]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He gave you a very specific end point and was crystal clear that he's not that interested. 

It was a fun couple of months fling.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available single men who are interested in what you are interested in.

Thank you for your response and for reading the post ❤️ 
 

I do understand everything you said, but it’s still confusing. Why would he introduce me to his family and friends if he wasn’t serious? I don’t know if I said it but I have his mom on Instagram and she even sent me photos of him before entering the plane. And it’s like all his circle knows about me - even his crazy aunt that has a bad reputation for hating her nephew’s girlfriends. And also he always remembered little details about me and always had me present. He always learnt all the songs I like by heart and we are almost equal when it comes to likes and dislikes. So it’s confusing, to say the least. Also his mother invited me to dinner once and the last time he invited me to dinner I had to say no because I was grounded. What do you think? 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Plllover

[glows]

16 minutes ago, Plllover said:

We aren’t texting anymore and I think this is the best for me. I think it’s unfair, this whole situation. It’s unfair that a lot of people I love left just like that, and now I feel like I’ve been left behind by him. It’s really harsh and I guess you have to live through a lot of losses like I did to really get to understand me. I feel like he left me in the cold when I most needed him.

Yes little by little with time I’m going to keep on moving forward with my goals and everything I have to do to gain my independence. 

Thank you for your response

People leave and are not obligated to help you in any way with personal issues. The responsibility is yours to get your act together and find the appropriate support or resources. I say this kindly as you seem to heavily rely on the wrong types of people for help that is out of scope or may be inappropriate. You may be pushing partners away or they don’t feel it’s a healthy dynamic. 

What other areas do you need help with? Be proactive and diligent when it comes to your privacy and financial stability. Are you working or employed? See if you can get help with your resume and practicing for interviews for example.

[Plllover]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He didn't care for you the same way you cared for him, and he was always clear that there was an end-date in sight. He just found it easier to blame you rather than being honest that he didn't intend to continue the relationship once he left. 

So while it wasn't a lie, exactly, his feelings did not run anywhere near as deeply as yours. When you meet a guy who is truly into you, you will see the difference immediately. This one wasn't going  to last. 

This makes sense. Thank you for making me see more clearly what happened. It’s not good to feel guilty all of the time. I do think he cares for me and has deep feelings for me, but maybe not as deep as needed to have a serious and committed relationship. Maybe, just maybe, we could be friends and that’s it. Or maybe when he comes back he realizes he missed me and suddenly wants to commit? Maybe I’m dreaming haha. Thanks for your response again! 

[Plllover]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't all on him, to be fair. 

You ignored red flags along the way. 

Yes I do recognize that I ignored way too many red flags. Giant red flags. It’s sad because I wanted to see the good in him

[Plllover]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

People leave and are not obligated to help you in any way with personal issues. The responsibility is yours to get your act together and find the appropriate support or resources. I say this kindly as you seem to heavily rely on the wrong types of people for help that is out of scope or may be inappropriate. You may be pushing partners away or they don’t feel it’s a healthy dynamic. 

What other areas do you need help with? Be proactive and diligent when it comes to your privacy and financial stability. Are you working or employed? See if you can get help with your resume and practicing for interviews for example.

I really don’t want to believe I’m pushing partners away… I always try my best. When I do something I always try to be my best self and I do what I can do in the moment. Sadly I can’t choose the parents I have, but I can gain my own independence of course.  Yes I currently finished my resume and I started looking for jobs, and also I’m continuing with my career. Thanks I’m doing the best I can with all of this. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Plllover said:

Also his mother invited me to dinner once and the last time he invited me to dinner I had to say no because I was grounded. What do you think? 

I think you should look for roommates so you can move away from your parents.  Kindly you sound like a child and at the age of 24 that's not good.  You should not be grounded or have curfews at your age.  I can see how this would turn a grown man off.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think you should look for roommates so you can move away from your parents.  Kindly you sound like a child and at the age of 24 that's not good.  You should not be grounded or have curfews at your age.  I can see how this would turn a grown man off.

Yes, I agree with all of this. Especially the bolded. 

Most men are not going to tolerate this for every long, OP. You need to really work on becoming an independent adult. Being grounded as an adult is, bluntly-put, absurd. 

[Plllover]

On 3/24/2022 at 6:24 PM, stillafool said:

I think you should look for roommates so you can move away from your parents.  Kindly you sound like a child and at the age of 24 that's not good.  You should not be grounded or have curfews at your age.  I can see how this would turn a grown man off.

He isn’t a grown man. He lives with his parents like I do, but his parents are different than mine. His parents are way more relaxed and chill and laid back, not like mine. He doesn’t have a job either, and he isn’t looking for one. He is studying the same career that I’m studying. He is advanced on the career and I’m slower at the career, I admit it. But at least I’m studying. The career is easier for him than it is for me, and I do it the way I can. He has his freedom because he drives his car and also his parents give him money - my parents give me money too. Also he does a lot of drugs recreationally. Which I don’t agree with, at all. I don’t do drugs. He smokes pot since he’s 15, does mushrooms when he goes out with his friends, has lsd (or something like it) and ecstasy in his house, he tried ecstasy, and a friend of his tried even harder drugs. Something similar to cocaine. So I don’t know if he’s a grown man at all. 

[stillafool]

Whatever is going on with him he seems to demand more independence than you do from your parents.  They treat you like you're 10 and you put up with it.  How can he do all of those drugs but not working, yet advanced in his career (?) and studying?  You've mentioned in this thread several times where you've gotten drunk while out and your parents knew about it.  So each of you have your vices except he isn't letting anything slow him down.  Another thing, if you don't agree with and don't like his drug usage why are you with him?

[Plllover]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Whatever is going on with him he seems to demand more independence than you do from your parents.  They treat you like you're 10 and you put up with it.  How can he do all of those drugs but not working, yet advanced in his career (?) and studying?  You've mentioned in this thread several times where you've gotten drunk while out and your parents knew about it.  So each of you have your vices except he isn't letting anything slow him down.  Another thing, if you don't agree with and don't like his drug usage why are you with him?

Tbh I don’t know how he does it but he just does it. He can take drugs but at the same time be a 10/10 in uni. Yes you are right he is demanding more independence from my parents than I do. But right now I’m working hard to get a job and I’m putting my life together. I want to be independent and I will be. And I’m still with him because I love him despite his drug use which I don’t agree with 

[Plllover]

[ ] 

And also I know it’s absurd to be grounded at 24 but it’s my current life situation which I’m trying to change now. And I will change. It’s really really hard having controlling parents and I think only people with such parents with narcissistic traits can understand my point of view

Edited March 25, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed duplicate content

[basil67]

On 3/25/2022 at 7:02 AM, Plllover said:

Why would he introduce me to his family and friends if he wasn’t serious?

Meeting family and friends doesn't necessarily have any deep meaning.  Especially if you still live at home, in which case, it's hard to avoid meeting the parents. 

When my daughter lived at home, it was like we had a revolving door of guys she dated.  I'd have to remind myself of the name of the current guy

[basil67]

27 minutes ago, Plllover said:

He isn’t a grown man. He lives with his parents like I do, but his parents are different than mine. His parents are way more relaxed and chill and laid back, not like mine. He doesn’t have a job either, and he isn’t looking for one. He is studying the same career that I’m studying. He is advanced on the career and I’m slower at the career, I admit it. But at least I’m studying. The career is easier for him than it is for me, and I do it the way I can. He has his freedom because he drives his car and also his parents give him money - my parents give me money too. Also he does a lot of drugs recreationally. Which I don’t agree with, at all. I don’t do drugs. He smokes pot since he’s 15, does mushrooms when he goes out with his friends, has lsd (or something like it) and ecstasy in his house, he tried ecstasy, and a friend of his tried even harder drugs. Something similar to cocaine. So I don’t know if he’s a grown man at all. 

You're deflecting suggestions of how you need to grow and develop your independence into criticisms of him.   Are you trying to justify your own situation?

[Plllover]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

You're deflecting suggestions of how you need to grow and develop your independence into criticisms of him.   Are you trying to justify your own situation?

I’m not trying to justify it, it’s just that I don’t want everyone to think that he’s this perfect guy when he’s not. I really love him despite everything…

[Plllover]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Meeting family and friends doesn't necessarily have any deep meaning.  Especially if you still live at home, in which case, it's hard to avoid meeting the parents. 

When my daughter lived at home, it was like we had a revolving door of guys she dated.  I'd have to remind myself of the name of the current guy

Yeah, maybe I put a lot of meaning into something that didn’t have the profound meaning I attached to it. 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, Plllover said:

[ ] 

And also I know it’s absurd to be grounded at 24 but it’s my current life situation which I’m trying to change now. And I will change. It’s really really hard having controlling parents and I think only people with such parents with narcissistic traits can understand my point of view

I too had very strict parents but I wouldn't call them narcissists they were just overly protective.  I demanded my independence and me and 2 of my friends who also had strict parents went in together and rented an apartment so we could be free.  It's good to be on your own working and going to school if you can.  Do you have any close girl friends that you could become roommates with?