'I'm Sorry but.

[Ruri_The_Sin]

First time poster.  I've been thinking about this for a few days.  I have no one to talk to so I decided to come here for some advice.  I don't know what to do, how to feel, or how to move forward.  I've been in a downward spiral since Monday, crying and feeling lonely and hurt.

I don't want to write too long a post.  My husband and I had a fight on Monday.  He was working on a project, broke the coding which effectively meant he would have to redo everything from almost scratch.  I caught a glimpse of the broken animation and felt so, so sad for him.  I knew how long he worked and had seen how beautiful it had been.  I walked over to his desk, gave him a hug and rubbed his back.

He immediately responded with, "No, no, no, that's not helping.  No, it's not the time for that.  No, [MY NAME]!!"

I went and brushed my teeth, crying all the while, then went to bed.  He came over and asked what was wrong, and when I said, "You were mean.  I didn't appreciate it (in retrospect, I should have phrased this differently)" he said he "was sorry but" and then launched into how "it wasn't helpful.  I was trying to concentrate.  It was distracting.  I told you thank you but--" I interjected here and said he never said thank you, just no's.  I said I would leave him alone while he was working and he said, "No, that's not what I'm saying.  You can come and give me a hug but it was distracting and I needed to concentrate."  I responded with, "So it's okay you raised your voice at me because I was the one bothering you.  Because it's my fault."  He let out an exasperated sigh and said, "No, that's not what I'm saying" then apologized.

I told him thank you and went to bed.  He patted my head [ ] 

We talked again after he got home from work (I work from home).  When he asked if I was okay, I decided to be honest and let him know that I wasn't okay; I was still processing and figuring out how I felt about Monday. He looked sad/mad, let out a sigh, said he'd leave me alone, and went to lie down in the room.  He didn't want to eat.  He came out to get a drink and I told him we should talk about it (I didn't want to yet because I wanted to think on it more and figure out what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it...I try to make sure I don't sound accusatory when these scenarios come up and I'm also not very good at expressing myself) but he looked so upset (mad) so I decided to bite the bullet and just talk about it since that's what he wanted (and what was needed, I guess).  

I explained why I gave him a hug and rubbed his back (how I felt so bad for him), and how I didn't feel like his apology was genuine because of the "but" at the end of it.  He said he should have said something like "Thank you, but I need to concentrate" or "Thank you but that's distracting, please leave me alone" and swore he said that (no he didn't), and that he was sorry.  "I already apologized...I don't know what else I can do."  He said he'd been thinking about it all day.  "I didn't like being treated like a baby."  I told him I wasn't doing that, and he said he knew.  Then he asked if I was okay.  I said I was.  He asked, "Do I have to check on you again tomorrow?"  I must have been looking at him a little too long (out of confusion) because he rephrased and asked if I was okay (again).  I said I was (wtf did that mean).  I told him what happened Monday hurt me, that I appreciated his apology, and I didn't like being upset with him or hurt by him.

No hug.  No kiss.  Nothing after that.  He talked about his work and his annoying boss.  I listened.  Then he said it was last minute but his coworkers invited him to a dinner and he asked if it was okay if he go.  I laughed it off (of course it isn't okay...) and said he didn't need permission from me to go.  He didn't need to ask me, he could just go.  He said he knew that but just liked to run things by me.

He's going to the party tonight (he said it was a birthday bowling dinner/party later).

So here I am, alone and hurt and so very sad.  I feel like I can't trust him or don't want to anymore with my emotions, feelings, and what's on my mind.  Because I tried to, and somehow everything was my fault?  I shouldn't have bothered him.  And maybe it is my fault, fine, I can accept and own that.  But I do not, can not, will not accept the way he treated me.  I'm not a damn punching bag, no matter how stressed he is.  I'm his wife and best friend for almost 10 years now and it's okay to treat me that way?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it wrong of me?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.  Thank you for listening/reading.

Edited March 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Weezy1973]

33 minutes ago, Ruri_The_Sin said:

I'm his wife and best friend for almost 10 years now and it's okay to treat me that way?  Did I do something wrong?  Was it wrong of me?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.  Thank you for listening/reading.

No, you didn’t do anything wrong. He overreacted in the moment likely due to his frustration and that understandably hurt you as you were just trying to comfort him.

That being said you now are the one overreacting. It was a minor conflict which happens in all relationships. His apology wasn’t great and that’s something you can talk to him about later. Tell him what a meaningful apology sounds like to you.

However one of the practices of a healthy relationship is making a habit of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. For example when my wife makes a comment or uses a tone that I find hurtful I do a mental check - is she tired? Is she hungry? Did she have a bad day at work? Am I tired or hungry and feeling more hurt than I would normally? I know she isn’t one to hurt me intentionally so just giving her the benefit of the doubt helps.

 

Another good habit is to take the high road. Forgive. Let it go. This was really a very minor transgression. And if you think about it he was likely very frustrated, not at you, but at the situation. Perhaps starting a conversation acknowledging that and asking in the future what would he like from you in terms of comfort etc. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like a lot of underlying resentment between you two has come bubbling over. 

How's your marriage been, prior to this incident? Reading between the lines, this latest episode is a symptom of some deeper issues. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is he? Do you have kids?

Both situations seem like overreactions of two people on needles and pins.

He snapped at being pitied/babied and you launched into a crying jag refusing to let it rest focusing on semantics.

Are either of you interested in someone outside the marriage that you know of? Do you feel lonely stuck working from home?

Something is up but the elephant in the room is being sidestepped with drama over small issues that are overreacted to.

 

[Ruri_The_Sin]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It sounds like a lot of underlying resentment between you two has come bubbling over. 

How's your marriage been, prior to this incident? Reading between the lines, this latest episode is a symptom of some deeper issues. 

Our marriage has been all right.  Things are fine on the surface but I sometimes was feeling lonely and as if there was a lack of closeness/affection in the relationship (definitely didn't help with Monday's incident).

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is he? Do you have kids?

Both situations seem like overreactions of two people on needles and pins.

He snapped at being pitied/babied and you launched into a crying jag refusing to let it rest focusing on semantics.

Are either of you interested in someone outside the marriage that you know of? Do you feel lonely stuck working from home?

Something is up but the elephant in the room is being sidestepped with drama over small issues that are overreacted to.

 

We've been married 6 years, going on 7.  He will be 35, I'm 34.  No kids but we have a pup.

I don't think he's interested in anyone else outside the marriage.  I am not interested in anyone else.  I really enjoy working from home but I generally don't get to talk to anyone about anything not work related.  I don't mind but sometimes I do get sad about the lack of relationships I get to develop.  

I agree something it up (on both sides, even). For me, lack of affection, attention, intimacy.  For him, I think he's emotionally unavailable right now.  Maybe something happened at work.  Maybe he's under more stress. I gave this a lot of thought yesterday and decided I do need to let this go and move on.  My dwelling on it isn't going to make anything better. And I should work on giving him the benefit of the doubt, like Weezy1973 suggested.  I need to readjust my perspective when we get into arguments and realize it's not him attacking ME, per se.  He's just stressed/dealing with other stuff.

16 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

However one of the practices of a healthy relationship is making a habit of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. For example when my wife makes a comment or uses a tone that I find hurtful I do a mental check - is she tired? Is she hungry? Did she have a bad day at work? Am I tired or hungry and feeling more hurt than I would normally? I know she isn’t one to hurt me intentionally so just giving her the benefit of the doubt helps.

I am going to work on this.  Thank you for the suggestion, and for pointing out I was overreacting.  Sometimes you just need to hear the hard truth.

We made up last night.  I decided to forgive him and move on, told him I loved him and I wanted him to know that.  He said he loved me too and was worried (that I didn't love him/didn't like him) the past few days.  That made me sad to hear (how my actions were affecting him).  So I'm going to try to be better.

[vla1120]

2 hours ago, Ruri_The_Sin said:

I am going to work on this.  Thank you for the suggestion, and for pointing out I was overreacting.  Sometimes you just need to hear the hard truth.

We made up last night.  I decided to forgive him and move on, told him I loved him and I wanted him to know that.  He said he loved me too and was worried (that I didn't love him/didn't like him) the past few days.  That made me sad to hear (how my actions were affecting him).  So I'm going to try to be better.

Good news! I was going to tell you that this is probably not the hill you want to stand firm on (or die on, as the saying goes). You've been with him awhile, so you probably know his reactions/behavior when he is stressed. Does he normally need to be left alone when something like this happens and he's frustrated? If not, and you think he's more stressed than usual, maybe it's time to have a date night, or a weekend away together. 

[glows]

Empathizing is fine but it sounds like you coddled him quite a bit. There are a lot of people who prefer not to be touched or approached when they’re concentrating or frustrated in the midst of something so read the cues a bit better. Give him space to work through the problem and chat later in the evening. He’ll likely come to you in the end triumphant or elated that he fixed some major issue earlier in the day. 

You mentioned the words “sad for him” and it translates to pity and stagnation, fear-based not having enough faith in him. I know that’s not what you meant but have more faith in him and show that by letting him fix his problem and come to you later. 

If you miss him or there isn’t much intimacy address that separately. Spend more time going on dates etc.

[basil67]

Sometimes we or our partner get frustrated or tired or hangry and our words come out in ways which weren't intended.   In my marriage, we deal with that by recognising that the words weren't about us, but rather, a reflection of how the partner feels at the time and we let it go.  

And while I know that your actions were delivered with kindness and care, I have to agree that a hug isn't helpful in times of frustration.  I'd prefer my partner to quietly go off and return with a glass of wine or a cup of tea  

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that you've decided to let it go. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ruri_The_Sin said:

I agree something it up (on both sides, even). For me, lack of affection, attention, intimacy.  For him, I think he's emotionally unavailable right now.  Maybe something happened at work. 

You miss affection and intimacy? That is huge. Has he checked out emotionally/sexually? Is he having affairs? 

It's great you made up, but why did he tell you "he doesn't feel loved" if he's the one avoiding intimacy?

 

[Ruri_The_Sin]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You miss affection and intimacy? That is huge. Has he checked out emotionally/sexually? Is he having affairs? 

It's great you made up, but why did he tell you "he doesn't feel loved" if he's the one avoiding intimacy?

 

Sexually, yes. No sex since sometime last year (honestly can't remember when). No, he isn't having affairs.  He doesn't keep anything from me and doesn't hide his stuff so I don't have any reason to think he is.

He didn't say he doesn't feel loved - he was worried I didn't love him/didn't like him because he noticed how upset/sad/quiet I was the past few days.  I definitely wasn't in a happy place and he picked up on it - I was mulling over everything in my head and didn't feel like talking and he knows it's hard for me to react in the moment. It takes me a little while to determine how I'm actually feeling and what else, if anything, I need to get out.  I hate that I'm like this and wish I wasn't.  Someone could slap me in the face and I'll stand there wondering if I deserved it, if that was okay, how I feel, etc.  Then I'll come back a day later and realize I didn't appreciate it.  Sometimes, though (like Monday night), I do/can react but then tend to think everything through again afterwards.

41 minutes ago, glows said:

You mentioned the words “sad for him” and it translates to pity and stagnation, fear-based not having enough faith in him. I know that’s not what you meant but have more faith in him and show that by letting him fix his problem and come to you later. 

It wasn't that I didn't have enough faith in him (and i know you know that's not what I meant).  I guess I felt bad for him?  Knowing how long he'd worked on it, seeing how beautiful it looked, and then watching it fall apart and animate horribly after he accidentally broke the coding...it just made me feel bad, especially when he was saying he'd have to start all over, it was going to take a while, etc.  Is that pity?  Perhaps it is.  I understand now that he/I have different needs for situations like that (he wants to be left alone, I'd want a hug).  I just wanted him to know I was there and I felt his pain (but knew he could fix it!).  That didn't come across very well (I take responsibility for the fight too - I didn't realize what he needed).

But I like your idea of letting him work through it on his own and coming to share his success/triumph with me later.  I agree this is a better way to approach it - he is always very happy, excited, and proud when he's able to figure something out and/or fix it.

[Annama]

Hello, you received such a great advice. I am also happy to hear it is all settled now. This always makes me smile. 

If I may add, yes, you had a wonderful intention and most probably that is the kind of behaviour you would love to experience in time of stress.

He is not you. And as others suggested, leaving him to sort it and bring him tea or his fav food, would be very welcomed. No words have to be spoken at the time. No fuss. Unless he obviously wants to talk or something.

He did overreact but I get it why. Totally. 

You felt rejected and I feel your pain cause I was in your shoes too but as others mentioned- this could be easily squashed.

No need to drag over a few days. Tiring. 

Life is too short. 

 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Annama

[Annama]

21 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

No, you didn’t do anything wrong. He overreacted in the moment likely due to his frustration and that understandably hurt you as you were just trying to comfort him.

That being said you now are the one overreacting. It was a minor conflict which happens in all relationships. His apology wasn’t great and that’s something you can talk to him about later. Tell him what a meaningful apology sounds like to you.

However one of the practices of a healthy relationship is making a habit of giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. For example when my wife makes a comment or uses a tone that I find hurtful I do a mental check - is she tired? Is she hungry? Did she have a bad day at work? Am I tired or hungry and feeling more hurt than I would normally? I know she isn’t one to hurt me intentionally so just giving her the benefit of the doubt helps.

 

Another good habit is to take the high road. Forgive. Let it go. This was really a very minor transgression. And if you think about it he was likely very frustrated, not at you, but at the situation. Perhaps starting a conversation acknowledging that and asking in the future what would he like from you in terms of comfort etc. 

I appreciate every word you said! 

Thank you 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Ruri_The_Sin said:

Sexually, yes. No sex since sometime last year (honestly can't remember when).

Does he have physical or mental health problems that account for his low libido? Does he drink, do drugs? 

Privately and confidentially talk to a physician about your concerns.

 

[Annama]

Working from you probably are craving his company. He on the other hand, craves a peace after facing work colleagues etc

You can easily work on that. Give him a few hours of space and let him look for you when he is ready. 

Weekends however, should be mainly your guys time to catch up and unwind:) 

 

[Ruri_The_Sin]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he have physical or mental health problems that account for his low libido? Does he drink, do drugs? 

Privately and confidentially talk to a physician about your concerns.

 

No mental/physical health problems. He does not drink or do drugs.  He was a little overweight a year and a half ago and his back hurt so I figured that was why.  He's since lost an incredible amount of weight (had been trying for a long time but our previous living situations made this difficult) and his back doesn't hurt, so I'm not entirely sure now.  I just summed it up to him/us getting older and not being young and freshly-dating anymore. I've mentioned a few times that I still want sex, and "Please do X for me" but nothing really comes of it (not like "do this for me right now," more like "maybe sometime you could...").  Then again, perhaps I should be initiating (though when I tried, he said it was the wrong time - I think I let this get to me and now I don't try to initiate out of fear of rejection.  Something I need to work on).

 

20 minutes ago, Annama said:

He is not you. And as others suggested, leaving him to sort it and bring him tea or his fav food, would be very welcomed. No words have to be spoken at the time. No fuss. Unless he obviously wants to talk or something.

Yes, I never really thought about this.  I really appreciated the advice before: take a minute and give him the benefit of the doubt.  And to try and remember what he's done for me, how he has shown his love for me (e.g. always there when I need him, helped me through so much, always trying to do better at work to make sure I'm happy).  I know now what works for me may not necessarily work for him, and that's okay!  Now I know what he needs/wants and how I should act so he knows I'm there, I love him, and I believe in him.

[healing light]

Alright, I haven't caught up on this whole thread, but I don't understand how or why this became a multi-day event. He was frustrated in the moment over work, you thought touching him would make him feel better (I'm guessing it would have made you feel better and was coming from a place of kindness but he has different needs). It didn't, and he basically asked for space. Then you wallowed for day(s) over the way you perceived his tone and passively aggressively gave him the green light to go to a coworker's birthday dinner knowing it would upset you. 

Why would you tell him it's okay to go to the dinner if you know you're going to hold it against him? You're upsetting yourself here and to his credit he asked and tried to make sure things were okay with you before he left (sometimes certain work events need to be attended to keep things kosher in the office with working relationships depending on the politics of a place, etc.). He is not a mind reader and can't assume this action would upset you further if you tell him it's fine.

Personally, I would feel like I was walking on eggshells if a minor event like this was extended over several days. I would question if this type of thing was very frequent or representative of a larger dynamic in the relationship/if there are other needs going unmet if it was this upsetting to you vs. if you need help self-soothing so that you don't catastrophize brief moments in the context of the relationship.

[Els]

On 3/24/2022 at 9:21 AM, Ruri_The_Sin said:

He was working on a project, broke the coding which effectively meant he would have to redo everything from almost scratch.  I caught a glimpse of the broken animation and felt so, so sad for him.  I knew how long he worked and had seen how beautiful it had been.  I walked over to his desk, gave him a hug and rubbed his back.

He immediately responded with, "No, no, no, that's not helping.  No, it's not the time for that.  No, [MY NAME]!!"

That's an awful lot of "no"s - and it takes a lot of time to say that many "no"s. Did you stop at all between the first "no" and the 5th, or did you just keep on going?

On 3/24/2022 at 9:21 AM, Ruri_The_Sin said:

I went and brushed my teeth, crying all the while, then went to bed.  He came over and asked what was wrong, and when I said, "You were mean.  I didn't appreciate it (in retrospect, I should have phrased this differently)" he said he "was sorry but" and then launched into how "it wasn't helpful.  I was trying to concentrate.  It was distracting.  I told you thank you but--" I interjected here and said he never said thank you, just no's.

You are, quite honestly, being a drama queen. It was a misunderstanding that should have stopped right here. Just come to an agreement that in the future he will stop himself before yelling (but then again, depending on your answer to the question above, yelling might have been justified if you just kept on rubbing him while he kept saying "no"...), and you won't disturb him while he works. End of story. No need to mope around for FOUR days.

Reading your other comments, there appear to be bigger issues in your marriage that would indeed concern me if I were you, like his nonexistent libido. But frankly, it's hard to blame him for not feeling sexual around you if this is how you act all the time.  I'm not saying this to hurt you, I'm saying this to try and make you understand that it's all linked.

Also, as you mention that his job involves coding - as a coder, I'll try and offer my perspective on this. While people may think that it "looks easy", in reality it's a mentally demanding job, that typically requires building a castle of sorts in your head. If you get distracted halfway, it all comes crumbling down and then you lose hours of progress. This is why we like to lock ourselves up in a place (or a time) where we won't be bothered. It's not because we're antisocial or dislike the people around us (well, not all of us, anyway), but it's because it's just that important to not be distracted.

I think it may be worth going to MC to try and unravel all of this, and to learn how to communicate and address things in a healthy and productive manner.

[glows]

On 3/24/2022 at 2:19 PM, Ruri_The_Sin said:

Sexually, yes. No sex since sometime last year (honestly can't remember when). No, he isn't having affairs.  He doesn't keep anything from me and doesn't hide his stuff so I don't have any reason to think he is.

He didn't say he doesn't feel loved - he was worried I didn't love him/didn't like him because he noticed how upset/sad/quiet I was the past few days.  I definitely wasn't in a happy place and he picked up on it - I was mulling over everything in my head and didn't feel like talking and he knows it's hard for me to react in the moment. It takes me a little while to determine how I'm actually feeling and what else, if anything, I need to get out.  I hate that I'm like this and wish I wasn't.  Someone could slap me in the face and I'll stand there wondering if I deserved it, if that was okay, how I feel, etc.  Then I'll come back a day later and realize I didn't appreciate it.  Sometimes, though (like Monday night), I do/can react but then tend to think everything through again afterwards.

It wasn't that I didn't have enough faith in him (and i know you know that's not what I meant).  I guess I felt bad for him?  Knowing how long he'd worked on it, seeing how beautiful it looked, and then watching it fall apart and animate horribly after he accidentally broke the coding...it just made me feel bad, especially when he was saying he'd have to start all over, it was going to take a while, etc.  Is that pity?  Perhaps it is.  I understand now that he/I have different needs for situations like that (he wants to be left alone, I'd want a hug).  I just wanted him to know I was there and I felt his pain (but knew he could fix it!).  That didn't come across very well (I take responsibility for the fight too - I didn't realize what he needed).

But I like your idea of letting him work through it on his own and coming to share his success/triumph with me later.  I agree this is a better way to approach it - he is always very happy, excited, and proud when he's able to figure something out and/or fix it.

Take this as a learning experience in the marriage/relationship and go from there. You’re ready to let this go, it seems. Try not to have either of you walking on eggshells too often as it wears a marriage down. Don’t go to sleep unhappy and without making up. You may have things you’re still discussing or pending but mutual respect and care and love is always there. Keep going back to that. 

It’s important you both always believe the best in one another or that the other is trying. That’s the other kind of faith, have strong faith in each other. It’s not always easy do all the time every day but these things will smooth out and become less frequent over time the longer you’re together if you truly are compatible.