Highway to the friendzone

[BlueScarab09]

Hi! 

I'm a 21 year old man, never had a relationship with a woman...

I felt like writing this, not really expecting anything, except maybe some feedback from the outside world on what my situation might mean...

 

So my friend was on tinder, looking for someone to be with, and finally found someone. She happened to be a gamer like us so we played together sometimes. I already thought she was cute, but I never thought anything more than that since my friend was the one that invited her. Turns out that their relationship ended up being simply platonic and they just enjoyed playing together (both agreed).  After that, I played a couple more times with them, and one time I had such a great interaction with her that I kind of felt like something could happen. So I talked to my friend about it (I didn't want to step in on anything), and but he was really happy, and thought that we indeed got along really nice me and her. So I decided to text her myself to ask her to play, which she accepted. 

At the beginning, we were playing with other people, but in like 3 to 4 days we were now just me and her in a call with our cams open. We were playing, but most importantly talking, a LOT! I really enjoyed her company, and rapidly, a fling became a real interest, and everyday I just wanted to talk to her more. One night we just talked for three hours without stop up to 2 hours in the morning (its normal for her to be awake that late, but I personally go to bed by 11 pm usually). The conversation was really serious to the point where we started talking about our past experiences, and by that I mean hers, since I had none and I told her. As for her, she told me she had a couple experiences by the past, and one that ended a couple months ago basically because the guy didn't give her the time of the day and ended up cheating on her. By that time I'm basically wondering what could be wrong in someone's head to cheat on such a gorgeous woman, but it became interesting when she said in a 30 minutes interval, one that she hopes to find someone older and more mature, and two... that I AM mature.. the cases started checking in my head, but I still thought it didn't mean that much yet...

So another week went by, she was busy with personal stuff and school so we didn't do much, but she still kept talking to me when she had time. And one night, we joined another call just the two of us, and she just threw another one of these messages she just didn't seem to understand what it could mean to me from the outside. There she was in her bed with her laptop on her lap, sleepy, tired of her long day, hugging her plushie and telling me she wished her plushie could hug her back.. I know, nothing there right? But that was before she said to me right after: "so you've never been with someone like that right?" (pointing out to the fact that I told her a week ago that I never was in a relationship with someone..) 

At this point, my heart is beating the crap out of my chest. It's now been about 2 weeks that I'm talking with someone I'm interested in and even though it hasn't been that long, we seem to get along so well it doesn't even seem real. I'm used to being the shiest person in the room, especially when talking with someone I like, but we just talk, and have fun, and have so many things in common in our hobbies and ways to think. She's beautiful, funny, good in art, mature, interesting and the more I talk to her, the more I want to talk to her. So I did it. The next day, I couldn't help it. I had left so many opportunities slip through my hands by the past, because I waited too long. I told her how I felt, and she reacted beautifully in my opinion. She was laughing (nervous laugh), and we'd end up talking about it the next day since she was pretty busy. Of course I couldn't sleep. Every second was a minute, and every minute was an hour, and every hour was a day...

So something like 28 hours after my confession, we talked again. At this moment, I got "friendzoned"... The END.

 

NONONO! Not the end! But also... maybe...

She told me she didn't see anybody this way right now because she wanted more time after the troubles of her last relationship among other things, and that she didn't want our relationship to just disappear because of the awkwardness. I agreed. I didn't want to stop talking to her, but I also told her that I was not less interested in her. She laughed and gradually we changed the subject to see if it was going to be possible. The 40 minutes after that seemed to show things were great actually! I felt like it was such a liberation to talk to her after these 28 hours of torture, and it also seemed to open the door to even more subjects of discussions. We left on good terms that day, telling each other good day and see you soon to play!

...One day went by and all I could feel was how free I was. No more weigh on me, just serenity and some joy, even though I didn't get the answer I wanted. But the next day, it hit me like a truck.. I felt down, now realising what happened and how it happened. Did I go too fast? Did I ruin it? Was it always going to end up this way? Do I still have a chance? Am I even mature enough to be worthy of her expectations? How dare I suggest we could be more than friends after so little time?...

Now I dont know what to do to be honest. An easy relationship turned out to be so complicated. A part of me tells me I should've kept my mouth shut, and the other tells me I did good taking my courage in hand for the first time in my life and doing something I never had done before. In every relationship I had of this type, there was always this dilemma, between telling the other how I feel and risk it all (ALL IN!), and not saying a word and keeping this friendship intact, knowing it wont ever be more than that.. I have now tasted both, and none of them is really that great I must say... 

In any case, it's only been a couple of days since then, but I already feel this ache, like something went wrong, even though I feel proud of me for having the courage of saying anything. I haven't talked to her, but I sure hope I will, and things go well from that point on. I still think she's an amazing human being. She doesn't deserve to be hurt, so if being alone right now is the way for her to do so, so be it...

 

I needed to talk about it, I don't have many people I feel comfortable sharing this with, with as many details...

Thank you for reading

[Wiseman2]

Do you work? Go to school? Get more involved in sports and fitness. Take some classes and courses. Volunteer. Join some groups and clubs.

Step away from the game console for a while.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee ☕ In Person.

[glows]

You were gracious with the rejection and handled it well. This appears as a virtual in game attraction you’ve never met in person. In future ask someone out and meet the person within a week for something light and quick like coffee. 

You’re correct that confessing feelings or attraction is premature and doesn’t make sense if you haven’t met in person. The point of meeting in person is developing a relationship in real time, not remaining in the virtual realm. Stay grounded in reality. 

Since she’s not interested please respect that as you have already and if you need to, keep your distance and play with other friends. Don’t languish in a virtual realm exclusively. Get out and meet people in real life, date in person. 

[mark clemson]

Quote

Highway to the friendzone

 

Yes, that appears to be exactly what happened.

IMO you are in real danger of becoming stuck as an orbiter and wasting months or even years of valuable time "pining".

I would suggest that, while remaining open to the genuinely remote possibility of this turning into something more, you NOT let feelings for her prevent you from seeking other relationships.

You've never even met this woman, so it sounds like, while you have genuinely bonded at some level, it's essentially just a crush. See it for what it is. Chances of it ever being more than that are remote. So look for someone else.

Edited March 24, 2022 by mark clemson

[dramafreezone]

Meh, you're 21.  This is apart of the maturation process.  You haven't grown as a guy until you've been friendzoned.

It doesn't stop, hell I just got friendzoned a couple of weeks ago and I'm 42.  Don't take it personally.

Additionally, you didn't really know this woman.  This wasn't a relationship.  Unfortunately some women that you meet (doesn't matter if it's in person or online) will simply like the attention that you give them and won't show any desire to make it more than that.  If all they want is attention, then they're getting their needs met.  I've learned that sharing her inner-most thoughts is not really a reliable indication that she sees you as a potential romantic partner.

You'll learn to look at actions, her behavior as the more reliable indicator of her intentions, rather than words. 

Also, one lesson you should learn here, don't reveal your hand too quickly in the future.  I talked about this in another thread, but certainty kills romance.  I've never revealed my feelings to a woman I liked and had it progress to a relationship later. 

It seems counter-intuitive but once she is 100% certain that you like her, it's almost as if the "challenge" is over.  She doesn't wonder at night, she doesn't talk to her GFs about it, but all of those things actually makes her like you more and makes her want to spend time with you to get to the point where she has more certainty.  But when she gets the certainty it kills her attraction.  It's so weird, and  I wish it were not this way but my cumulative life experience (and others experiences as well) points to this conclusion.

You have to at least wait until she is in love with you to reveal your feelings.  Anytime before that is just going to lead to what happened here, just my opinion.

Edited March 26, 2022 by dramafreezone