Really painful breakup due to my failure to commit

[Mrsturgess]

Hi All. 

I’m at the very raw stages of a very, very painful breakup , with huge parallels to John’s own, and also feel sick to the stomach.

I’ve had an on-off relationship with somebody I met on holiday 8 years ago. The first 5 years were all long distance, meeting for holidays but in contact all day every day like a couple. I could tell from literally the the first date she was so into me and whilst I really liked her, I have an appalling habit of looking for faults and doubts and just kept her at a distance. I guess I always felt there was somebody/something else out there for me that would give me something more or that eventually it would click so I felt head over heels with no doubts. I also think the extent to which she was in love with me almost put me off and made me feel (wrongly for sure) I was ‘better’ than her. She thought everything about me was so amazing and it felt like her sole life goal during the entire relationship was just to be with me; which sounds great and how / what you should want from a partner? But instead I just worried that this made me better than her, why didn’t she try more to develop a career, why didn’t she want to socialise with friends more and have more going on in her life - be a bit more independent. I worried about material, stupid things like the fact she didn’t earn a huge salary. I don’t know what is wrong with me and why I thought like that. I never fully committed to her, constantly tried to resist it being a full-on committed relationship and downplayed it’s significance - I think in both my own head and publicly to others. I think I was almost embarrassed that I could ‘only’ find somebody to love me miles away on holiday. All of my distance hurt her so much. 

I don’t think I recognised to myself how important she was to me and how crucial she was as my foundation. I always felt I was so strong and independent which I think she found very attractive but I’ve also realised a lot of my confidence and what I've achieved has been built off the foundations she gave me knowing that she was unconditionally there for me and would do anything for me at any time I wanted or needed (something which I didn’t quite truthfully reciprocate).

anyway about a year ago we kind of ended when she was so upset because I was being distant and wouldn’t really commit to her and she couldn’t do it anymore, at that moment I kind of felt I didn’t want to be with her (again, that i could be happier with somebody else even though I very rarely meet people who I connect with - I even made a note in my phone last summer after holiday reminding me that I found her annoying on the trip to keep trying to remind me of this) - but I also didn’t want to desert her on her own (and valued her wonderful ongoing support too, especially as my late dad was terminally Ill). So we ended up just carrying on in a semi/ half half hearted relationship/friendship almost out of my guilt, but very very distant; messaging each other like a couple but only seeing each other almost when I had time and often sort of out of guilt to help her as she was alone. She asked me casually in July if I had ever thought about marrying her, and then in October if she should try and give somebody else a chance. Both questions I inexplicably ignored, because I didn't want to say no but had huge doubts in my stomach about both. In the meantime I did look for others casually but not aggressively although never met anyone or carried anything through. All very unhealthy, correct? I struggled to say I loved her (felt maybe I did but wasn’t ‘in love’ with her, that old very confused and undefinable differentiation). 

in November I yearned so much for a fulfilling relationship and started thinking to myself - I have this amazing beautiful girl here who loves me unconditionally and we share common values, I can’t really find fault with her in any way on paper (and we never argued) other than that I just felt ‘something was missing’ and that fear that there is something better out there. I feared if we got married and had kids that one day I might meet somebody else and be tempted away and I didn’t ever want that to happen. 

i started gently trying to show more willing at this point but I suddenly got a sense she had met somebody else. We slept together a couple of times in December (Which was always great between us although laced with guilt on my part knowing that she wanted to bring me closer) and had an emotional conversation before she went to visit family for Xmas where she was trying to work out why I suddenly had interest again, saying she couldn’t live how it had been anymore and me saying I had been thinking and wanted to give things a go again. 

we then didn’t speak for 2 weeks, and only casually for another 2 weeks; when she returned I tried to engage with her more but again could sense her trying to keep a distance. I then started forcing the issue about and we then got really close quickly - I spent almost every day with her for a fortnight and we had loads of very intense and amazing sex and grew closer, but we never confronted the "future" conversation properly (she attempted to but I couldn’t do it - was still laced with uncertainty and also sort of annoyed /jealous as I could sense she was messaging another guy). I could see whilst with her that she was texting this guy and one day I confronted her about this and she apologised, said she was so confused, thought the man she had loved all these years only felt sorry for her and we had no hope so she had reached out to look for somebody else and they had met, he had shown her interest and made her feel good before Xmas, and then she got confused when I suddenly showed interest myself again and she didn’t know what to do. We then stopped seeing each other but spoke intermittently over the next 2 weeks , fluctuating between me being annoyed but also sometimes thinking I need to let her go and be happy, and her fluctuating between trying to say that nothing compared to her love for me and she wants to talk about the future and this was all about us not somebody else, and then also saying these things happened for a reason, she never made me happy etc. 

then last week she suddenly went very distant and barely replied to my messages over 3 days, before we confronted it and she said she couldn’t try anymore, couldn’t give me anymore time and energy, everyone else in our shoes would be married with kids and living together now, she couldn’t make me happy and that made her unhappy. She seemed suddenly remarkably and uncharacteristically composed about this; I told her I wanted to try and would make her the central part of my life, I was ready for all that now, she reiterated the above. I asked her if she was going to see this other guy and she let out an awkward smile and said yes. I am convinced she must have seen him on that weekend and had a good time and just thought I can be so much happier I have to do this.

i haven’t slept for more than about 1 straight hour in the 9 days since, feel sick to the stomach, hollow, alone, unattractive, hopeless and desperate. I can’t get the thought of her with this other guy out of my head and feel so ashamed and upset with myself; why was I unable to embrace all of the great things in the years and years I had, I will never be able find somebody and get over all of these weird insecurities and mental hang ups I suffer from and it’s all blocking me from fulfilment and leaving me increasingly alone and depressed. I know I do badly , badly want her to be happy , I just don’t understand why I was unable to do that and make myself happy too when it was all so simple and in front of me. I feel I deserve all of this for hurting her so much and letting her down so much over such a long time. I am torn between just leaving it now forever (especially as I know she's dating somebody) or contacting her to just say look; "I'm sorry it took me so long to work out what I wanted, I have worked that out now and I do really want all the things you do, the committed relationship, you to move in with me, and kids (all the things she has been seeking from me even just a couple of weeks ago), I owed it to you and myself to put that on the table and swallow my masculine pride about this, I appreciate if you now want to move on and if so, I wish you all the best as I really want you to be happy."

I’ve been through a similar breakup 13 years ago and it took me over a year to recover. I feel so low right now and scared about what the coming weeks and months hold for me. 

Any advice, words of help to calm me would be really appreciated as I'm in a bad way!

[glows]

Do you like yourself? I ask to get a sense of why you’re attracted to someone you don’t respect in the first place. You need to love yourself to love and respect others. She wasn’t this and that and you found fault with her. Others would have simply walked away. It is not a match. Why did you linger? 

Focus more on your own hang ups and repairing anything you don’t like about yourself. Work on your confidence and any areas you feel need improvement. You’ll be more willing or honest to either rise to the challenge, be open and sincere in relationships that are rewarding to you or you’ll just walk away if you have no interest. 

 

Edited March 24, 2022 by glows

[Mrsturgess]

Good question(s). I should have walked away and I did twice for short-ish periods but then missed her and perhaps the validation /self-esteem she gave me because she thought I was so great. I think I do have low self-esteem so she was an amazing safety blanket for that. 

I do think I'm a very respectful person in the main and I certainly respected her hugely even though I maybe wasn't as respectful to her as I should have been, but I tried and I quite often spoke to her about the guilt I felt not giving her what she wanted. I am famously indecisive (perhaps lack of confidence again?) and an over-analyser in all things and I think this was the case with her - I kept wanting it to work out and wanting to feel amazing about her and couldn't make a big decision. Neither could she, until now anyway when I guess time really started to get to her and forced her to give up hope

[glows]

2 hours ago, Mrsturgess said:

Good question(s). I should have walked away and I did twice for short-ish periods but then missed her and perhaps the validation /self-esteem she gave me because she thought I was so great. I think I do have low self-esteem so she was an amazing safety blanket for that. 

I do think I'm a very respectful person in the main and I certainly respected her hugely even though I maybe wasn't as respectful to her as I should have been, but I tried and I quite often spoke to her about the guilt I felt not giving her what she wanted. I am famously indecisive (perhaps lack of confidence again?) and an over-analyser in all things and I think this was the case with her - I kept wanting it to work out and wanting to feel amazing about her and couldn't make a big decision. Neither could she, until now anyway when I guess time really started to get to her and forced her to give up hope

It ended for the best. Try not to over-romanticize this. Your heart wasn’t ever really in it.

It’s a loss of someone who as you have said, placated or validated you when you felt your self-esteem was low. Yet there are other ways to boost that morale and feel good about yourself. How are you with making friends or do you lead an active social life? Are you connected or part of your local community? Have you thought about volunteering or working towards something you’ve thought was a good cause? It helps take you out of your own head and learn to see through others’ lenses and be grateful also for what you do have. 

You had asked for words to calm you but you really need to find that inner calm yourself. Stay busy and keep reminding yourself that it wasn’t working. Learn to love yourself more. 

[Annama]

Well, as you know I am on the end of it and would dream of my ex to tell me he is ready to go all in....but not because of his ego but because he really means it

I would love to hear from him.

I remember he was always surprised why I dont have as many friends as he and why I dont socialise more.

Hmm he was born in this country and most his friends are from schools so here it is. I was a foreigner and still have a great bunch of friends. I dont need to be a party girl to be fun.

Ask yourself- if she would say that she wants to be with you again but things have to change- what do you feel ? 

 

[Mrsturgess]

5 hours ago, Annama said:

Well, as you know I am on the end of it and would dream of my ex to tell me he is ready to go all in....but not because of his ego but because he really means it

I would love to hear from him.

I remember he was always surprised why I dont have as many friends as he and why I dont socialise more.

Hmm he was born in this country and most his friends are from schools so here it is. I was a foreigner and still have a great bunch of friends. I dont need to be a party girl to be fun.

Ask yourself- if she would say that she wants to be with you again but things have to change- what do you feel ? 

 

I would 100% say yes and give it a go , all-in, immediately. I did say this to her (albeit in not my most convincing form) when we broke though and she said she didn’t believe it/ can’t give me anymore time, I have had 7+ years to make me her woman and he didn’t I do this then. Which is a fair question; I could have said that with assertion 3 weeks ago and I think she would have been buzzing but I didn’t, now it would seem like a hollow, reactionary promise and a humiliating one given she has decided to date somebody else she has had a 4month connection with and imagine has slept with. 

your situation sounds very similar; whay country are you from? again, i think i got hung up on thinking im better than her somehow cos i have an established career here, all my friends etc and she is trying to make her way.  but ive realised all of that is shallow essentially without her love.

this is a final text message I have drafted, although I am really not sure about sending it as I have little hope or belief it will achieve anything and I feel hurt and broken that she is dating another person…

 

 

“Hi. I just wanted to make a couple of things clear to you because I don’t want to leave any doubt around anything, as I never managed to really explain my feelings / thoughts about you, or the future. I’m a confident person but I’m very macho/ masculine and my instincts told me it is weak to admit to / show love and desiring ‘deeper things’, like the family life. Ultimately that is why I think I often pushed you away - not because you don’t make me happy, because for so much of our years together you did; I just felt scared/weak to show/ reciprocate love. Everything then got more and more awkward and painful as I felt more anxious of hurting you more, but wanted to be there for you still somehow - and deep down knew what I wanted (a family life) and hoped I’d find the bravery to open up to you slowly so we would both be on the same page. I was getting to that point and then everything got really messy. Anyway, i just wanted to make it clear to you that I am 100% all-in if there is still even a tiny bit of the door open for you - I want us to be in a committed, forever relationship, to live together, to build a family and a home together. Words may not convince you of this and I get youve said you are scared to let me back in or give me any more time - all I would say is I was scared to put this on the line to you now but I don’t want to harbour any regrets in future - so there it is.

But most of all I want you to be happy. And I completely understand everything you’ve said. So if you feel you can be happier in the long term with somebody else, and you want me to walk away, then I respect that and I hope and pray for the best for you and whatever lies ahead.x “

 

 

[John Glasby]

I understand your desire to send the message, and make a stand that you're all-in.  

At the same time, however, I wonder how much of your willingness to go all-in is simply a factor of your being hurt, lonely, jealous that she's with another, and just generally knocked to your knees by being abandoned by someone whose loyalty (and dependance) seemed endless to you at one time. That's how I feel in my situation. 

What I'm saying is that I never once seriously thought of marrying my ex until she grew tired of the situation, dumped me and went with someone else. Thus, I can't trust my judgement now, knowing I'm in "God, I want my old life back!" mode, not making decisions based on either love or common sense. 

Not trying to sway you one way or another, I'm just saying perhaps now is not the time to send such a note.  I would suggest (as hard as it will be to avoid trying to "damage control") let it go for now. Let her have her relationship. He could be "the one" for her. And if you really want her to be happy, then good. If they don't last, and you find that out somehow, then you can re-evaluate your feelings after some time has passed and ask, "Is she really the one for me?" 

If the answer is yes, then attempt a "relationship 2.0" at that time, making the case to her - with some credibility - that you've learned a lot in the wake of losing her once. But in a few months time, you may find you've moved on mentally and in the bright light of day, you don't actually feel she's the one who makes you feel complete. 

In the meantime - I feel for you. I wake in the middle of the night and immediately hurt knowing my ex is a mile or so away in the bed of another. It kills me. But I know I slowly pushed her to ending it with me, and she simply copes with loss by immediately finding someone else to make her feel loved and valued. If I were wired that way, I wish I could do it too - would be a lot more pleasant life than what we're living through at the moment, I'm sure. 

Hope this helps a tiny bit. 

John

Edited March 25, 2022 by John Glasby

[Annama]

I have to agree with John.

As I said, if I would receive a note of this nature from my ex, I would be so happy. But thats me and my story. 

John is right, there is no urgency now. Let her carry on her path but please in a few weeks or months do send something like that. When you are sure you still feel this way. You may feel differently. Who knows. You may feel the same. But it will be well thought of and not sort of I want what I cant have. It will be more authentic.

 

At the current dynamic, it would not work now. 

It would need to be a new chapter. 

It would be lovely if you would reach out when she will be single.

Me and my bf are in UK. He was born here but I was not. 

[Mrsturgess]

Both very sensible comments. I just feel so helpless and somehow like at least if I try maybe I’ll be able to sleep / live with it better knowing I’ve tried - but also I don’t actually think it will work and as you say it must just be fight or flight desperation and loneliness anyway. 
 

it’s just so hard to process in my head how literally 2 weeks ago she was sending me messages with an old photograph of something , wishing me to commit and saying can we not talk about the past, I just want to talk about the future , and if I’d laid it down then it would have been all good. but then something clicked and now it’s out of my hands and the chance has seemingly gone forever.

I feel so sick and alone, when I wake up everything instantly floods in to my head and whole body is tight and tense and my chest feels like it is going to explode. Feels so self inflicted and it’s hard to see a light in the tunnel as I can’t even envisage myself being over this in 3 or 6 months. 

[John Glasby]

I know the feeling. And if it makes you feel even 2% better, know that thousands of miles away, someone (me) is experiencing the same dark anxiety and loneliness in the middle of the night. Last night, I actually slept from about 10:30 to 4:30. That's the best I've done in weeks. 

We are humans, and this is how humans (or many, at least) react to heartbreak. Though you feel alone, there are millions across the globe going through it right this moment. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't send her that final message, OP. 

Write it out on paper somewhere, but don't send it. It isn't fair when she's trying to move forward and especially since she has met someone else. You had years to say those things and yet something was holding you back. My strong impression is that you were never that into her as a person, but you enjoyed having someone around who was into you and always there. I am sure you were fond of her and liked many things about her, but you weren't really anywhere near as interested as she was. 

So, it's a shock to the system to be alone now and without her constant attention and support. But it's for the best. If you couldn't reciprocate those feelings in all the years you were together, it's not going to happen now. I think you are having a knee-jerk reaction to suddenly being dropped by her, and particularly because you know she has met another guy and wants to pursue that. But I would bet any money that if you two reconciled...it wouldn't be Happily Ever After and that's because your feelings don't appear to have really ever matched hers to begin with. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Bring what you wrote out to the therapist for discussion.

Do not send this to her. Unfortunately those "get-your-ex-back" sites recommend these types of letters. However an ex doesn't want to be a therapist and the response (if there were one) may not be what you want. For example she may block you.

[serial muse]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wouldn't send her that final message, OP. 

Write it out on paper somewhere, but don't send it. It isn't fair when she's trying to move forward and especially since she has met someone else. You had years to say those things and yet something was holding you back. My strong impression is that you were never that into her as a person, but you enjoyed having someone around who was into you and always there. I am sure you were fond of her and liked many things about her, but you weren't really anywhere near as interested as she was. 

So, it's a shock to the system to be alone now and without her constant attention and support. But it's for the best. If you couldn't reciprocate those feelings in all the years you were together, it's not going to happen now. I think you are having a knee-jerk reaction to suddenly being dropped by her, and particularly because you know she has met another guy and wants to pursue that. But I would bet any money that if you two reconciled...it wouldn't be Happily Ever After and that's because your feelings don't appear to have really ever matched hers to begin with. 

 

I agree 100% with the above. Please don't send that message, OP. What you're experiencing sounds like hysterical bonding - basically analogous to the bargaining stage of grief. But it's not love. And if she did come back, it wouldn't change what wasn't working to begin with. The kindest thing you can do for her - and I do believe you care about her, even if you don't love her - is to let her go and find someone who values her and gives her self-esteem a boost. I think it's good that you recognize that much of why you stuck around was because it made you feel good to be wanted. And now she wants someone else, and that hurts. But that will pass, and in the meantime, it isn't fair to do this yo-yo thing with her. She's ending something that should be ended because it wasn't really making either of you happy. That's brave. Please be brave, too, and try to just let it go. 

Edited March 25, 2022 by serial muse

[Lotsgoingon]

You need help in sorting through your inner conflicts. Sounds like a screaming need for some therapy here. You don't commit. You're unsure of the relationship. You feel something profound is missing ... and yet the mere idea of her hanging out with someone else causes a full-scale anxiety and abandonment attack. Those two feelings are logically in direct contradiction to each other. 

So you've got some deep and confusing feelings. And in my experience, it's impossible for us to sort that out without the help of therapy. Some CBT should help but probably any technique would be of help. 

Just to go back a step, you really want to break up when you feel something is missing. Period. But you hung on probably because of some attachment struggles going back to your family of origin. And now you're feeling near abandoned. Again sounds like some serious attachment issues. These issues are well worth investigating. Because they absolutely are going nowhere and will return and run the show whether you reconcile with her or whether you guys remained separated and you try to move on. 

These issues will repeat themselves .

Edited March 25, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[John Glasby]

Mrsturgess, how you doing?  Getting any more sleep? Just checking. 

[Mrsturgess]

Thanks all. Some very logical and rational responses here I guess and I suppose what I sort of know / sense in my head deep down is best (ie don’t try and persuade her because it won’t make any difference and may be unfair). I do want her to be happy 100% , it’s just hard when that directly correlates (at least at the moment) with me feeling lower than I can really ever recall (and my dad passed away in September so that says something), and when also in a rational head I know with certainty how easy it would be for me to make her happy as I know exactly what she wanted (but obviously didn’t do it).

i went on a date last night with somebody else which took my mind off her slightly but  really spent the whole time just staring through her and making comparisons, and didn’t sleep much !

i had an opening CBT session on Thursday evening, FYI. I booked it the morning after it ended as I knew immediately I was going to really struggle and needed to somehow open up

[serial muse]

Glad you're doing CBT - it's good that you're taking care of yourself in this way! 

[Mrsturgess]

Wow. She just got in touch with me… did not expect that. And don’t know how to react

 

[John Glasby]

Wow, indeed. I guess it depends on the nature of the contact. What are you thinking?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Mrsturgess said:

Wow. She just got in touch with me… did not expect that. And don’t know how to react

Well, what did she say? 

[Mrsturgess]

She just said she didn’t know if I wanted to talk to her, but she’s been thinking about me and wanted to know how I am.. I’m really shocked I thought she’d decided it couldn’t work and I had just about accepted I had to let her go.. don’t understand what’s changed in 2 weeks…

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mrsturgess said:

She just said she didn’t know if I wanted to talk to her, but she’s been thinking about me and wanted to know how I am.. I’m really shocked I thought she’d decided it couldn’t work and I had just about accepted I had to let her go.. don’t understand what’s changed in 2 weeks…

Not to rain on your parade, but probably nothing has changed. 

Dumpers who feel guilty often do these kinds of reach-outs. Many do indeed care about their exes, but a lot of it is motivated by a desire to soothe their own guilty conscience for hurting you when they broke up with you. 

I wouldn't read into it, tempting as that is. It doesn't alwasy mean they're rethinking their decision to end things. 

[Mrsturgess]

Maybe. Hard to know. We have both kept chopping and changing our minds on everything... we didn't speak for 2-3 weeks over Xmas then I got in touch with her. I'm not sure how guilty she would feel as essentially the situation of not being together was created by me, what she was sort of ending was the scenario where we were still close/she still wanted to try and be with me, and I guess the option for me to reignite it was still there.  I don't know what this means, maybe not changed her mind but maybe she's opening the door for me to try and let her know /persuade her if I've changed my mind at all about what I want / how i feel. Maybe she met this other guy again and didn't feel it... impossible to read peoples minds especially remotely!

I think I need to try and keep some distance for a while longer regardless as a minimum. 

[John Glasby]

I don't see any harm in being polite and saying, basically, "Thanks, I'm fine, how are you doing?"  Politeness never hurt anyone, and if there's something more on her mind, it will no doubt be forthcoming at some point.   

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Mrsturgess said:

Maybe she met this other guy again and didn't feel it...

In which case, she would probably end it again the next time she meets someone who catches her interest.  It's risky when a relatively recent dumper circles back around when a new thing doesn't work out. Those sorts of reconciliations are usually short-lived because they're not coming back for the right reasons. 

In any event, I would keep your distance for now. She hasn't given any indication yet that she's reconsidering the break-up, so I would operate under the assumption that her decision still stands.