glows Posted March 28, 2022 Share Posted March 28, 2022 44 minutes ago, Mrsturgess said: Maybe. Hard to know. We have both kept chopping and changing our minds on everything... we didn't speak for 2-3 weeks over Xmas then I got in touch with her. I'm not sure how guilty she would feel as essentially the situation of not being together was created by me, what she was sort of ending was the scenario where we were still close/she still wanted to try and be with me, and I guess the option for me to reignite it was still there. I don't know what this means, maybe not changed her mind but maybe she's opening the door for me to try and let her know /persuade her if I've changed my mind at all about what I want / how i feel. Maybe she met this other guy again and didn't feel it... impossible to read peoples minds especially remotely! I think I need to try and keep some distance for a while longer regardless as a minimum. This seems like a mere breadcrumb and a very nonsense way to reach out to someone after all the stress and heartache it caused. Why be with someone capable of changing their mind either? I think the more distance you put between her and you the more you’ll realize that type of character isn’t as appealing even if she expressed an interest to reconcile. Hot/cold and on/off situations are disrespectful to both parties involved. If you’re keeping your distance as a manipulative act to get her to miss you more, that’s too bad. If you’re using it to move on then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Annama Posted March 28, 2022 Share Posted March 28, 2022 (edited) I think you should respond. She didnt end because she met someone else. She ended cause you took your sweet time to commit. Respond, be nice and open. No need to play hard to get. For anyone its difficult to reach out. I am sure it was not easy for her. I am not saying this is promising but lets be open minded. Dumper, dumpee...let's not apply strictly those rules that dating coaches talk about. We are all humans and each case is different Edited March 28, 2022 by Annama 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 The sad fact is (which you acknowledge yourself) that you did not want her until you thought she no longer wanted you. It sounds as though every time she moved towards you, you moved back. Every time she wanted more, you demonstrated you didn't. That kind of treatment must have been very hurtful for her. She has spent 7 years in this state and I can see no reason why it would change. If you and she get together again, I would not be surprised if you fell into the old pattern and she got hurt - again! Nothing significant would have changed except that you experienced losing her for a while. I doubt she would be able to trust you to keep your word. Even if you mean every word you say, she has had 7 years of being rejected, that alone destroys trust. Seven years is quite long enough to wait for anyone and to deal with their hangups. I get the feeling this is not about love but about a balance of power. You withhold to stay in control. She has walked and now you are no longer in control. She has broken the unspoken rule of this relationship that she is the one that puts up with insecurity. I don't think it would be fair to pursue her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 (edited) A call from her doesn't she wants to reconcile. She might literally be checking on you because your mood seemed so low. What was the tone of her voice? Was it "I miss you?" Was her tone more of "I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing." When people want to reconcile, they communicate that interest VERY strongly--even if those don't say those exact words. Also, you guys might have some mutual codependency stuff where you both over-worry about the wellbeing of the other--to the detriment of your own feelings. You got to drop the idea that you can make her 100 percent happy. No one can do that for us. None. What is she, a passive object? And what are you in this scenario: a servant? That's not a vibrant equal relationship. Edited March 29, 2022 by Lotsgoingon Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 Is it really your ex, or do you just really, really, not want to feel like this? It doesn't seem so much that this is about her, but about your expectations of her and the relationship. Look, you didn't want her. Opportunity knocks once at the door. You've had it knocking for 8 years. And factually everybody gets tired. So did the opportunity. And so did the girl who was head over heels for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Annama Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 Did you respond, please ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrsturgess Posted March 30, 2022 Author Share Posted March 30, 2022 On 3/28/2022 at 2:06 PM, ExpatInItaly said: In which case, she would probably end it again the next time she meets someone who catches her interest. It's risky when a relatively recent dumper circles back around when a new thing doesn't work out. Those sorts of reconciliations are usually short-lived because they're not coming back for the right reasons. In any event, I would keep your distance for now. She hasn't given any indication yet that she's reconsidering the break-up, so I would operate under the assumption that her decision still stands. Agreed with the latter. But I think the first point is a bit less straightforward as Annama says. Every situation is different. She didn't go off with another guy just cos one caught her eye. I've replied and certainly not keeping distance out of manipulation... just guarding / protecting myself a bit and also don't know what she is exactly thinking. She seemed like she wanted to chat (it was a message not a call so no "tone of voice") but I don't really understand what has changed in her mind from the relatively convinced position she seemed to have 2 weeks ago. I don't believe she's doing anything to manipulate anything... she's always been very clear how she feels/ what she wants, she's been battling her own broken heart and also worth mentioning that the "finality" of the conversation 2 weeks ago was sort of brought about by me to an extent, she initially said we should have some space for a couple of weeks cos we were both confused and then I pushed things and the conversation spiralled. I guess maybe she is missing me and is still confused, especially given I didn't contact her and just left her to it (partly because of comments here), and probably I over-egged in my head the extent to which she maybe was interested in this other guy... I really don't know. I was ecstatic to hear from her but am also conscious not to want to do anything wrong that might risk either me or her getting hurt more so feel I need to tread carefully. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 (edited) I just finished reading this entire thread, and have a completely different read on this from the others. OP, she didn’t dump you because she stopped loving you and found someone else; she dumped you and found another man due to her never feeling truly loved by YOU, you were uncertain, ambivalent, non-committal, the list goes on. It's what I refer to as a “forced dump.” She never stopped loving you. As for you, I don’t believe for one second you found all those flaws in her because you actually believe she is flawed, you found flaws because you fear commitment and finding flaws was your way of creating DISTANCE. That’s what people who fear commitment do, they look for things “wrong” in the person, in the relationship, to give them an OUT and to create distance. The alternative, finding things “right” and being close evokes too much anxiety because there’s no where to go but commitment, which is precisely what scares them and causes so much anxiety! So now she’s gone. Thus alleviating all the anxiety and fear you were experiencing that caused you to behave as you did. And what happened as a result? You now start to miss her! You long for her! You cannot sleep, eat, she consumes your thoughts, it’s over the top emotion in the other direction! This is so common, there are books and articles written specifically about this, I suggest you do some research and pick some up. Learn about your fears and anxieties and how they affect your choices, your relationships, how they affect your life! My advice is leave this girl be. I can almost guarantee that IF she were to return to you and you resumed the relationship, the same commitment fears and anxieties you experienced the first time that caused you to behave and feel as you did and her to end the relationship will return. No question those fears and anxieties will return because you haven’t taken the time to reflect and resolve those fears and anxieties and until you do, you can expect the same thing to happen with every girl you enter into a serious relationship with henceforth. I have learned from experience and from doing lots of reading on the subject that such fears are hell to kick and often take years to resolve. Some deep reflection and introspection is needed, along with a good qualified therapist experienced in the subject. So be patient with yourself, I wish you the best of luck. Edited March 31, 2022 by poppyfields 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
John Glasby Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 Those are wise words, poppyfields. I take them to heart, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 8 hours ago, Mrsturgess said: But I think the first point is a bit less straightforward as Annama says. Every situation is different. Obviouosly. That goes without saying. I can only speak from experience in saying that it's not generally Happily Ever After in these scenarios. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 Sometimes it's as simple as "be careful what you wish for" . When you want your freedom and have all sorts of "do not enter", "no trespassing", dead end", etc. signs posted why would anyone deal with that? You wanted your freedom and you got it. She wanted a relationship and she got that, so in the end, it's a win-win situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrsturgess Posted April 2, 2022 Author Share Posted April 2, 2022 On 3/31/2022 at 1:58 AM, poppyfields said: I just finished reading this entire thread, and have a completely different read on this from the others. OP, she didn’t dump you because she stopped loving you and found someone else; she dumped you and found another man due to her never feeling truly loved by YOU, you were uncertain, ambivalent, non-committal, the list goes on. It's what I refer to as a “forced dump.” She never stopped loving you. As for you, I don’t believe for one second you found all those flaws in her because you actually believe she is flawed, you found flaws because you fear commitment and finding flaws was your way of creating DISTANCE. That’s what people who fear commitment do, they look for things “wrong” in the person, in the relationship, to give them an OUT and to create distance. The alternative, finding things “right” and being close evokes too much anxiety because there’s no where to go but commitment, which is precisely what scares them and causes so much anxiety! So now she’s gone. Thus alleviating all the anxiety and fear you were experiencing that caused you to behave as you did. And what happened as a result? You now start to miss her! You long for her! You cannot sleep, eat, she consumes your thoughts, it’s over the top emotion in the other direction! This is so common, there are books and articles written specifically about this, I suggest you do some research and pick some up. Learn about your fears and anxieties and how they affect your choices, your relationships, how they affect your life! My advice is leave this girl be. I can almost guarantee that IF she were to return to you and you resumed the relationship, the same commitment fears and anxieties you experienced the first time that caused you to behave and feel as you did and her to end the relationship will return. No question those fears and anxieties will return because you haven’t taken the time to reflect and resolve those fears and anxieties and until you do, you can expect the same thing to happen with every girl you enter into a serious relationship with henceforth. I have learned from experience and from doing lots of reading on the subject that such fears are hell to kick and often take years to resolve. Some deep reflection and introspection is needed, along with a good qualified therapist experienced in the subject. So be patient with yourself, I wish you the best of luck. This makes a lot of sense. To my surprise she has been in contact with me a lot this week and evidently trying to re-engage with me/ missing me. This has made me feel slightly better as I’m less panicked about the idea I was overegging in my head that she would basically be married to another guy in a month or two.. but your comments (and some of the previous ones) are very valid and it’s so tempting to just revert back to her but I feel I owe it to both her and myself to try and have some proper distance / do the counselling etc to try and work out what I really want/ if I can really deliver what she wants (and I feel like I want at the moment) long term without underlying doubts or pressures Link to post Share on other sites
John Glasby Posted April 23, 2022 Share Posted April 23, 2022 Mrsturgess, just wanted to check in. How's your situation going? John Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrsturgess Posted May 1, 2022 Author Share Posted May 1, 2022 Well, we're back in touch and have seen each other a few times and had some good conversations. Turns out I had overegged the other guy in my mind massively and she didn't even really see him again. I saw somebody else and have been honest with her about that, and we've been speaking about stuff and why things have been how they've been, what we both want etc. It's positive because I feel like I've never been this open or honest with her, but we're both cautious about what to do as feel like at the moment we want to be together but also very acutely aware now more than ever that either/both of us are at risk of being hurt and can things ever really be right long-term / e.g. will I always fall back into my distant / doubtful ways etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
John Glasby Posted May 2, 2022 Share Posted May 2, 2022 That's great, man, it sounds like you are in a neutral position (both of you) where you have options to explore together. That seems good. Link to post Share on other sites
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