Is it normal for a boyfriend to spend more time with his coworkers than girlfriend?

[Demi]

My first real boyfriend (30m) is calling me (25f), controlling. I really need to know if his behavior is normal for an adult in a relationship

Is it normal for a guy to spend an excessive amount of time with a female coworker outside of work? My bf and I have been together 3 years, he works in a high level field with a team of about 15. Mostly males but some females. I’ve noticed that even before the pandemic that my bf would go to lunch everyday with the team (but sometimes just 1 on 1), and they would go out for happy hour or dinner 4x/week. 

Now even if it was a work culture thing to go on group outings, isn’t it a bit weird to get drunk? Also i know how groups work, there’s always a smaller intimate group within the bigger one. Sometimes ppl even just couple up and move away from the group. So it worried me that he was always WITH that one girl at work. We’ll call her Amy, because she has a crush on my bf. 

Something never sat right with me because since things opened up in my city last year and folks got vaccinated, everyone went out drinking again. I was never invited because yannoe it’s a “work thing”. But literally it’s a bunch of them sitting around watching the game, having fun, and drinking. Amy one time invited my boyfriend out one night just the two of them and they went to a game together. Again… a “work thing”. 

My bf swears up and down he’s never cheated. Never physically touched anyone at work. Swears on his mother’s life. I understand that he tries to show me he is faithful but I couldn’t help feeling jealous? 

For me, I feel completely neglected and out of the loop. I hardly ever know when he’ll call me to say goodnight anymore and he doesn’t spend a lot of time with me. We’ve argued about this before but I also don’t have prior relationships to compare it to. I asked him to not go to work outings if Amy is there, but Amy is always there. He called me controlling because I don’t have a right to tell him who he can or cannot hang out with. 

I feel like he is way too attached to these after work events and he loves drinking. I also think this is borderline emotional cheating because he is making me share his time, attention, and energy with another female. It’s very uncomfortable for me to know he spends 40 hours a week with Amy, then another 3+ hours after work 4x/week. 

I see him only 2x/week for the record. 

Feeling a little lost, help.

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Demi said:

they would go out for happy hour or dinner 4x/week. I feel like he is way too attached to these after work events and he loves drinking.

Reconsider the low quality of the relationship.

His primary relationship is with partying and drinking.

Hope this helps:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[BrinnM]

@Demi

Can you take a break from this relationship? It's obvious that he prioritizes work (and coworkers), and while it's great that he seems super-comfortable with these people and loves his job, it's sad that he won't make more time for you and calls you controlling. I think you have every right to be suspicious, especially because Amy has a crush on him and he spends one-on-one-time with her (or in a group setting, doesn't really matter), but showing him how jealous you are will do the opposite. You can tell him you're uncomfortable with his drinking and hanging out with female coworkers 4 times a week. Tell him you want a break until he sorts himself out.   

[glows]

Yes, some work outings depending on where you are, what industry or type of organization will have drinking involved. But that’s not the real issue.

Did he tell you that Amy has feelings for him? How do you know this? 

Amy is also not the problem. Your boyfriend is. 

I’d address your disagreement with his drinking and your lack of intimacy or connectedness in the relationship. He seems preoccupied with work-related events and his coworkers. It’s been three years of dating. Where do you see this going? 

 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, Demi said:

My first real boyfriend (30m) is calling me (25f), controlling. I really need to know if his behavior is normal for an adult in a relationship

Is it normal for a guy to spend an excessive amount

 

 

Something never sat right with me because since things opened up in my city last year and folks got vaccinated, everyone went out drinking again. I was never invited because yannoe it’s a “work thing”. But literally it’s a bunch of them sitting around watching the game, having fun, and drinking. Amy one time invited my boyfriend out one night just the two of them and they went to a game together. Again… a “work thing”. 

My bf swears up and down he’s never cheated. Never physically touched anyone at work. Swears on his mother’s life. I understand that he tries to show me he is faithful but I couldn’t help feeling jealous? 

For me, I feel completely neglected and out of the loop. I hardly ever know when he’ll call me to say goodnight anymore and he doesn’t spend a lot of time with me. We’ve argued about this before but I also don’t have prior relationships to compare it to. I asked him to not go to work outings if Amy is there, but Amy is always there. He called me controlling because I don’t have a right to tell him who he can or cannot hang out with. 

I feel like he is way too attached to these after work events and he loves drinking. I also think this is borderline emotional cheating because he is making me share his time, attention, and energy with another female. It’s very uncomfortable for me to know he spends 40 hours a week with Amy, then another 3+ hours after work 4x/week. 

I see him only 2x/week for the record. 

Feeling a little lost, help.

Well, two separate things.  I don't think anything's wrong with having a tight-knit group at work.  Before the pandemic our company was extremely active with social events.  We had a dedicated social event committee that would plan happy hours, visits to sporting events, wine tastings, spa visits, and the best Christmas party I've ever been to.  It's great that you have a BF that loves being around the people that he works with.

The meeting with the female co-worker is inappropriate, no two ways about it, even if he's not doing anything with her.  He should care enough about you to put an end to it since it makes you uncomfortable.  So you should tell him exactly that.  If he doesn't care enough about you to spend less time with someone who is not his girlfriend, then that speaks volumes about what he thinks of the relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

You already know what's going on here. 

Your boyfriend is apparently checking out the relationship and seems to have largely lost interest in you. And gained interest in his female coworker at the same time. These aren't just work-oriented outings, and you both know it. You have already expressed to him how this makes you feel, and he tried to turn it around and blame you. 

I'm sorry, OP, but I think this relationship is on its last legs. When your boyfriend is spending more time apart from you than with you, the writing is on the wall. 

[smackie9]

I work with a high knit group, and in the past we would do lunches, and head to the pub together after work, but that was once a week. I think 4 times a week is excessive especially since he is not single. I would say no, it's really not normal. Since he's calling you crazy and controlling that tells me he feels threatened, because that's how an alcoholic talks. He's just gonna gaslight you from here on out, and will not change his behaviour. The next thing to do is walk.

[ShyViolet]

No, this is most certainly not normal.  It is obvious that he has lost interest in this relationship and he's making it clear that you're rather low on his priority list.  

On 3/24/2022 at 5:02 PM, Demi said:

I asked him to not go to work outings if Amy is there, but Amy is always there. He called me controlling because I don’t have a right to tell him who he can or cannot hang out with. 

He's absolutely right about this.... you have NO right to tell him who he can and cannot hang out with.  If you even need to tell him who he can or cannot hang out with, or ask him not to hang out with a certain woman, then you should be ending this relationship.  The solution to this problem is not you putting "rules" on him.  That won't work.  The responsibility is on YOU to leave this relationship if it's not working.

[Alpacalia]

Does HE know she has feelings for him? Is there evidence of that? Jealousy itself is fair. Whether you feel unvalued by your partner is up to you. But consider the facts before you decide he's a jerk.

Vibes never lie. Follow your intuition if you feel something is wrong. You can't know for sure unless you trust your instinct and dig deeper, but you might be letting your ego cloud your better judgement. Our gut often leads us the right way. Generally, when relationships are secure, these sorts of things aren't detrimental.

In mild, fun flirting, leave it alone, or even use it as an indication that you have a partner who is attractive to someone else! If he encourages it or welcomes it, and is always flirting with her and spending one-on-one time with her, you need to take a step back.

[dramafreezone]

14 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Vibes never lie. Follow your intuition if you feel something is wrong. You can't know for sure unless you trust your instinct and dig deeper, but you might be letting your ego cloud your better judgement. Our gut often leads us the right way. Generally, when relationships are secure, these sorts of things aren't detrimental.

 

I think by the time you're digging and trying to catch him in something, things are already too far gone. The trust and respect for the relationship has eroded too much.

OP this is about respect.  If he doesn't want to distance himself from this woman then he doesn't have a lot of respect for you or the relationship.  That should be easy for him to do if he loves you and sees a future with you.  This isn't about cheating or anything like that, it's about establishing a trend for how things would go in the future.  If he doesn't respect the relationship now he likely will not respect it in the future.

[PotatoHead]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds very frustrating.  At the very least, you should be invited along to his work outings.  He should want you by his side, and should respect the fact that spending time around another female is making you uncomfortable and put an end to that.  Overall it seems like he is putting his own desire to do whatever he wants, go out, party, and drink with other women above your feelings and needs in the relationship.