How to interact with ex gf

[Lewis321]

Ex gf broke up with me last September. During the relationship we spent time together as a blended family her son and my daughter would stay at each others houses with us. 

Since the breakup on the rare occasion that I have bumped into her son I have been friendly and said hi. My daughter goes out to play with her friends and says that ex gf ignores her and keeps looking at her, she says she says hi to her son and her family to be polite but ex simply ignores her. 

Ex gf made a point of blanking me when I said hi immediately after the breakup but other than that we haven't seen each other in person since. 

My question is when I eventually end up being in the same place as her which will happen as both kids go to the same school how do I handle interacting or not interacting with her.

And why would she ignore my daughter instead of just simply saying hello. 

Edited March 24, 2022 by Lewis321

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

My question is when I eventually end up being in the same place as her which will happen as both kids go to the same school how do I handle interacting or not interacting with her.

Just say hello and keep moving. Don't engage in conversation. 

8 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

And why would she ignore my daughter instead of just simply saying hello.

Who knows, but it sounds like maybe it's best that there is zero interaction. Perhaps she thinks saying hi would give you false hope or something. I would do your best to not read into it and keep moving forward. 

[Wiseman2]

Be polite and respectful but don't drag your children through an adult breakup.

Focus on a better coparenting relationship with your daughter's mother.

You're child shouldn't have to worry about adult problems due to break-ups.

[glows]

14 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

Ex gf broke up with me last September. During the relationship we spent time together as a blended family her son and my daughter would stay at each others houses with us. 

Since the breakup on the rare occasion that I have bumped into her son I have been friendly and said hi. My daughter goes out to play with her friends and says that ex gf ignores her and keeps looking at her, she says she says hi to her son and her family to be polite but ex simply ignores her. 

Ex gf made a point of blanking me when I said hi immediately after the breakup but other than that we haven't seen each other in person since. 

My question is when I eventually end up being in the same place as her which will happen as both kids go to the same school how do I handle interacting or not interacting with her.

And why would she ignore my daughter instead of just simply saying hello. 

Ignoring a child is quite harsh and most wouldn’t do that. There’s no good reason in my opinion to ever ignore a child. This reads as her coping mechanism if she just doesn’t want to deal with you. She doesn’t say hello because it may lead to more conversation she’s not comfortable with. 

Do the kids play and interact with one another at school?

[stillafool]

15 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

And why would she ignore my daughter instead of just simply saying hello. 

Because she's a bitter about the break up and is taking it out on your child.  Now you know you did the right thing by breaking up with her.  She's beyond petty to treat your little girl that way.  When you see her smile and say hello and keep it moving.  Do not stop to talk to her.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

My daughter goes out to play with her friends and says that ex gf ignores her

Have a discussion with your child about making other friends. Talk to her mother about enrolling her in some other extracurricular activities such as classes, help her make new friends, etc. 

Your exgf does not have to continue to interact with your child. You and her mother and teachers, etc. do. That is why you need to redirect your child to this.

Divorce is hard enough on a child without making a breakup on top of that another childhood burden caused by adult issues.

Edited March 25, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Lewis321]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have a discussion with your child about making other friends. Talk to her mother about enrolling her in some other extracurricular activities such as classes, help her make new friends, etc. 

Your exgf does not have to continue to interact with your child. You and her mother and teachers, etc. do. That is why you need to redirect your child to this.

Divorce is hard enough on a child without making a breakup on top of that another childhood burden caused by adult issues.

Why does my daughter need to make new friends and not be able to play with the ones that she already has just because I'm going through a breakup? 

Makes no sense. 

I'm not dragging her through my breakup was just curious if anyone on here had any input on why the ex would feel the need to ignore her everytime. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Why did she break up with you? 

[Lewis321]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why did she break up with you? 

Her reasoning was that I had too much drama going on and I wanted everything done my way. 

I won't go over it here but my youngest daughter was excessively violent and aggressive and the mother had recently started to come back into the picture. 

With regards to everything being done my way, she was controlling and overly jealous. I'll never know how much that played a part in her decision. 

 

[Lewis321]

7 hours ago, glows said:

Ignoring a child is quite harsh and most wouldn’t do that. There’s no good reason in my opinion to ever ignore a child. This reads as her coping mechanism if she just doesn’t want to deal with you. She doesn’t say hello because it may lead to more conversation she’s not comfortable with. 

Do the kids play and interact with one another at school?

So my eldest is old enough that she goes out to play without me so the ex wouldn't need to interact with me either way. 

According to my eldest since the breakup both kids are friendly to each other in school but don't actually play with each other. 

From when she broke up with me to the point of her reaching out which was 9 days later my daughter said she would stop and talk to her. When she reached out I shut her down and she has ignored my eldest ever since. 

[Lewis321]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Because she's a bitter about the break up and is taking it out on your child.  Now you know you did the right thing by breaking up with her.  She's beyond petty to treat your little girl that way.  When you see her smile and say hello and keep it moving.  Do not stop to talk to her.

I'm trying to not be biased but this sounds quite accurate. 

I suspect there is some bitterness from her side as she watched me go from begging and pleading to being happy. 

[glows]

15 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

So my eldest is old enough that she goes out to play without me so the ex wouldn't need to interact with me either way. 

According to my eldest since the breakup both kids are friendly to each other in school but don't actually play with each other. 

From when she broke up with me to the point of her reaching out which was 9 days later my daughter said she would stop and talk to her. When she reached out I shut her down and she has ignored my eldest ever since. 

 

12 minutes ago, Lewis321 said:

I'm trying to not be biased but this sounds quite accurate. 

I suspect there is some bitterness from her side as she watched me go from begging and pleading to being happy. 

I'd reassure your daughter it has nothing to do with her and keep her out of the fall out as much as possible. If you treat others with respect your children will follow your example and also treat others with respect - that also means giving certain individuals a WIDE berth should they wish that (if your ex is ignoring you) and being resilient enough to go about their day without letting the issues of others (yours and your ex gf) affect them. As a father your only priority is seeing that they're raised well and supported. I'd reinforce the same thing with the eldest and don't let this stop you all from being a family. 

[Lotsgoingon]

I was going to say you could go ultra high level--ultra mature and above the fray--and initiate a conversation with this with your ex. But you can only do this if you can contain any resentment and if you can stay really calm and cool and constructive if she gives you the equivalent of a cold finger!

As for your daughter, you just do want to say something. Explain that breakups are tough and people don't always know what to do. You and your ex fall in between the cracks in that you were not married. Married people have more incentive to be mature (though many times that maturity fails to show up). 

Just tell your daughter that your ex isn't mad at her! Which seems to be the truth, right? I would say silence is not helpful for your daughter because young people blame themselves in all kinds of situations if the adults in their lives don't present a plausible explanation for things. 

 

[Lewis321]

10 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I was going to say you could go ultra high level--ultra mature and above the fray--and initiate a conversation with this with your ex. But you can only do this if you can contain any resentment and if you can stay really calm and cool and constructive if she gives you the equivalent of a cold finger!

As for your daughter, you just do want to say something. Explain that breakups are tough and people don't always know what to do. You and your ex fall in between the cracks in that you were not married. Married people have more incentive to be mature (though many times that maturity fails to show up). 

Just tell your daughter that your ex isn't mad at her! Which seems to be the truth, right? I would say silence is not helpful for your daughter because young people blame themselves in all kinds of situations if the adults in their lives don't present a plausible explanation for things. 

 

The ex has no reason to be bad at my daughter, she is just innocently stuck in the middle. 

[Lotsgoingon]

You're giving mature logic here, but if mature logic ruled, you wouldn't have this situation.  

Of course, your ex has no good reason to be mad at your daughter. Of course! But apparently your ex hasn't gotten that memo! And also apparently she hasn't reached a basic level of maturity and kindness. And she's acting like she's mad at you and taking it out on your daughter.  

For immature and petty people, breaking up with you IS reason to dis your daughter. I'm not saying there is a good reason for why the ex is cold to your daughter, but there is a reason. Petty people have reasons.  Your daughter needs some reason.  The ex is not a good person is a reason, for example. Or the ex is mad at you is a reason. 

 

Edited March 26, 2022 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

I wouldn't pay any attention to how your ex interacts (or doesn't) with your daughter, OP. 

It's wasted emotional energy for you. Simply keep reassuring your daughter that it isn't her fault, and continue to move forward. It sounds like this relationship is best left in your past. 

[Wiseman2]

You can't control your ex or what she does. However you can be the best dad you can be and keep the focus on your kids, rather than exes.

[glows]

17 hours ago, Lewis321 said:

The ex has no reason to be bad at my daughter, she is just innocently stuck in the middle. 

I agree. However some people can’t set that aside or find it easier to do the opposite.

I’d consider also that she thought you wanted everything done “your way”. She knows exactly how to push your buttons it seems. You can’t control her, even her apparent immaturity, coping mechanism or whatever she thinks or does. Neither can your daughter control the situation. Practice more resilience and teach your children that it doesn’t matter what the behaviour of others may be. That’s confidence but also relinquishing control over a situation that you can’t control.

What you do have control or power over is how you react and your opinion of her. Keep it neutral and again keep the kids out of the fall out. Reinforce the importance of making friends and being friendly to others.

Edited March 26, 2022 by glows