Breakup after a tragedy?

[Rainoflight]

I've taken my SO for granted.
But not exactly in the way you think. Hello, my name is John (34 now) and in the 2015 started this amazing relationship with his amazing woman (32 now). We've built something that comes once in a lifetime, that it's incredible, to say the least. Everything was just super in every department, but in late 2020 everything changed.
My grandmother had an accident and developed dementia, while something happened with my dad, he became ill and suffered for close to an year and finally went into a coma and died this january. It was heartbreaking.
During this period, of course, we stopped going out, on holidays, etc. Not because I did not want to, but because I had no light at the end of the tunnel, I had no idea how the situation with dad was going. But this does not mean I was not there for my OH. I tried my best to do good for everyone.
We've had an argument near NYE and since then she became distant and we spoke finally and she told me that not going in holidays and not doing our usual stuff took a toll on her, that she needs time for herself and that we need a break and wants me out of the house for some time to clear her head.
It's hard to explain what I feel now. I am heartbroken, sad, angry, disappointed because, sadly, this was not the "script".

What can I do?
She does not want therapy, she wants space. I don't want space, space = relationship over for me.

Thank you for your kind answers.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Rainoflight said:

She does not want therapy, she wants space. I don't want space, space = relationship over for me.

Sorry this is happening. How long have you lived together?

Do both of you work? Is it her place or do you co-own or co-lease?

What were your goals? Were they similar? Did either of you want marriage or family? 

7 years is a very long time to be together. What was the breakup really about?

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Join some bereavement groups for more support.

 

 

[basil67]

I'm so sorry for your losses. 

I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I can guess at what your girlfriend was going through.  The thing which stood out for me is that you wrote "of course" we stopped going out and on holidays etc.   This is a massive change you made to the dynamic of the relationship and it certainly wasn't part of her 'script' either.  And perhaps she knew that she and your joint future weren't a light at the end of your tunnel....and if she and your future together wasn't your light, then she was nothing.

You know how space = relationship over?  What you were doing all that time was creating emotional space.  So yes, relationship over. 

Edited March 25, 2022 by basil67

[Rainoflight]

@Wiseman

Yep, we work, have a good income. We are living together since 2015, it is her place, but we invested it together in the apartment (but I really don't care and want anything from it, except my things). Similar goals and family, I've wanted to ask her before tragedy came and I delayed it.

 

@basil67

What could have I done? We did not have two similars days with dad. One day he was fine, the next he needed oxygen, the next they discovered a bacteria. He spent 6 months in ICU, lost 40 pounds, he only ate through a tube.

My issue is that we had the same script, nothing showed it might be different.

[glows]

Grief counselling helps, even way after the fact. I didn’t realize the impact of death until much later when I realized I wasn’t the same person. Try to locate some resources or speak with your doctor about appropriate support or therapy. 

When someone close to you dies a part of you goes with them. 

If she has opted out of the relationship, there’s nothing you can do. You can only focus on yourself and make sure your other commitments such as job, kids if any or ongoing projects stay on track and devote your time to healing and processing the loss/grief. Take time to let go of the relationship too and accept that it’s over.

Edited March 25, 2022 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

I am sorry for your loss, OP. That must have been very difficult. 

If I had to guess, perhaps there were pre-existing issues here. I find it hard to imagine that after 7 years, a partner would bail because things got rough for a while when her boyfriend's parent was failing and dying. Clearly she could see hwo difficult this was so I am a bit surprised she complained about not having holidays and whatnot during this period. 

How had things been between you prior to your family troubles? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Rainoflight said:

We are living together since 2015, it is her place. I've wanted to ask her before tragedy came and I delayed it.

Make arrangements to get all your things from her place.

Unfortunately you were not on the same page as far as goals going forward. You had 7 years to decide if you are compatible or want the same things

For now focus on grieving and being supportive for your family.

[Rainoflight]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am sorry for your loss, OP. That must have been very difficult. 

If I had to guess, perhaps there were pre-existing issues here. I find it hard to imagine that after 7 years, a partner would bail because things got rough for a while when her boyfriend's parent was failing and dying. Clearly she could see hwo difficult this was so I am a bit surprised she complained about not having holidays and whatnot during this period. 

How had things been between you prior to your family troubles? 

No, there weren't, hence the shock for me and the frustration.

In our arguments lately, this is the only thing she is accusing me of: not going out and doing stuff together. I've asked her, sure, but those years before do not count, she said they do? But not going out seems more important.

[FMW]

Maybe "not going out" is representative to her of a loss of connection, in sharing and growing together.  You say everything in your relationship was fine until it wasn't, and it was a shock for you when she asked for space.  It's quite possible that with your stress and grief over your grandmother and father you missed the signs of her being unhappy for a while.  It's unlikely her need for space just appeared one day.  Unfortunately she doesn't seem willing to talk about it in detail at this time.

What you've built together in the past of course matters, but relationships do require regular effort, care and maintenance to survive and grow.  That includes during difficult times.

 

[Rainoflight]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

Maybe "not going out" is representative to her of a loss of connection, in sharing and growing together.  You say everything in your relationship was fine until it wasn't, and it was a shock for you when she asked for space.  It's quite possible that with your stress and grief over your grandmother and father you missed the signs of her being unhappy for a while.  It's unlikely her need for space just appeared one day.  Unfortunately she doesn't seem willing to talk about it in detail at this time.

What you've built together in the past of course matters, but relationships do require regular effort, care and maintenance to survive and grow.  That includes during difficult times.

 

I know, but literally we did not go out from August to January, that's it. Before that, since oct 2020 to august 2021, we went out, but did not leave for a holiday together. But, again, we talked about these things, Is not that we did not have a mutual agreement.

The shock comes from knowing we have something, a harmony together to this situation. S

After dad died in january, I went back to my usual self. Let's go there, let's have a holiday, let's etc.

Nothing came back from her part.

[ExpatInItaly]

Any chance she is talking to someone else?

I hate to put that thought in your head, but sometimes a (seemingly) quick turn-around suggests the presence of a third party. 

[glows]

On 3/25/2022 at 6:41 AM, Rainoflight said:

No, there weren't, hence the shock for me and the frustration.

In our arguments lately, this is the only thing she is accusing me of: not going out and doing stuff together. I've asked her, sure, but those years before do not count, she said they do? But not going out seems more important.

Maybe you neglected her in more ways than one and she’s not very articulate. That happens in break ups to avoid arguments and back and forth disagreeing about this and that time or this and that year or what happened the other month. The overall from this is that she’s no longer interested or feels like the relationship wasn’t what it should be. She may not like a host of things about you but she’s not going to tell you that and break your spirit too or completely crush you. 

Regardless of the reasons or hypotheticals it’s over. When someone suggests space that person has checked out and it’s a relief to be away from you. The reasons don’t quite matter and the fact that she cannot articulate them or puts NO further effort is more than enough to tell you she’s not interested. 

[basil67]

On 3/25/2022 at 10:05 PM, Rainoflight said:

What could have I done? We did not have two similars days with dad. One day he was fine, the next he needed oxygen, the next they discovered a bacteria. He spent 6 months in ICU, lost 40 pounds, he only ate through a tube.

My issue is that we had the same script, nothing showed it might be different.

When really bad stuff happens, I believe that being able to compartmentalise is the key.  Yes, the bad stuff will always be on our minds, but it's unfair on our partners to just flip the script and stop having a functional life.    If the two of you had children, would you have stopped taking them to weekend activities?    Would they have been the light at the end of the tunnel?

[stillafool]

OP at least you got to see how she responds when all hands need to be on deck during a crisis.  You can't depend on her.  Thank God you didn't marry her and then find out.  I hope you don't go begging for her because you can do better.  If someone can't give up partying and going out for a few months when family is in crisis you don't need her.  Good riddance to bad garbage.

[Rainoflight]

@ExpatInItaly

No, no chance on being someone else. 

 

@all

We've talked about a lot and it seems that these are the things that led to this. 

Told her,  "listen, maybe are other things that led to this, we are grown ups", no, there aren't. Her response. And I feel like I am hitting a brick wall, we seem to understand differently what happened.

Asked her if she thinks we had problems before. She said no. Asked her if I am at my usual self after buring dad. Yes I am.

And she refuses to accept that making me leave means the end of relationship. She said she needs space.

I am sleeping on the couch since last night.

 

I fail to understand. I really do.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Rainoflight said:

And she refuses to accept that making me leave means the end of relationship. She said she needs space.

I am sleeping on the couch since last night.

As sad as it is, it's past the point of no return.

Did she give you notice to move out? Do you have friends or family you can stay with until you get a place?

Don't drag it out or badger her for answers or try to keep renegotiating.

You don't need to understand her reasons if they are too vague, all you need to do is make arrangements to move out and move forward.

[Rainoflight]

No, no notice, every time I say I am looking for apartments, her face turns white.

She wants me to stay and wants me to go.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rainoflight said:

She wants me to stay and wants me to go.

Isn't it up to you how long you want to camp out on her sofa,?