My Partner wants a baby but I don't want to.

[MLane7698]

Hi All,

I've had a miscarriage and I didn't want to try again - the whole idea of miscarriage nearly killed me and the whole idea of pregnancy and childbirth scares me.  He knew that I don't want to have a baby but now I'm scared that he's going to leave me.

[glows]

What makes you think he’s thinking of leaving you? Has he said that? 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

I've had a miscarriage and I didn't want to try again - the whole idea of miscarriage nearly killed me and the whole idea of pregnancy and childbirth scares me.  He knew that I don't want to have a baby but now I'm scared that he's going to leave me.

Sorry this happened. Focus on your physical and mental health. Focus on reliable contraception.

How long have you been dating? Are you married? Do you live together?

Do either of you have  other children? How old is he? Do you both work?

 If he is manipulating, pressuring or coercing you, leave him.

 Make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health . Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

[MLane7698]

I saw him googling "PARTNER DOES NOT WANT KID" and the conclusion at the bottom of the page - in Bustle - 10. Accept That This Might Not Be The Relationship For You. - we've been together for 14 years.  Although he hasnt said he's leaving and the rest of the family I have consulted he's not leaving me but my anxiety is getting the best of me - I'm 49 years old this  year and I feel that getting pregnant now will have complications, birth defects etc.

[MLane7698]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

What makes you think he’s thinking of leaving you? Has he said that? 

I saw him googling "PARTNER DOES NOT WANT KID" and the conclusion at the bottom of the page - in Bustle - 10. Accept That This Might Not Be The Relationship For You. - we've been together for 14 years.  Although he hasnt said he's leaving and the rest of the family I have consulted he's not leaving me but my anxiety is getting the best of me - I'm 49 years old this  year and I feel that getting pregnant now will have complications, birth defects etc.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

we've been together for 14 years.   - I'm 49 years old this  year and I feel that getting pregnant now will have complications, birth defects etc.

Listen to your doctors. 

[MLane7698]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Focus on your physical and mental health. Focus on reliable contraception.

How long have you been dating? Are you married? Do you live together?

Do either of you have  other children? How old is he? Do you both work?

 If he is manipulating, pressuring or coercing you, leave him.

 Make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health . Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

I'm on therapy - weve been together 14 years. not married - live together - no children on either side. He works - he's not manipulating me - no pressure or anything. I've been taking ashwaganda for anxiety etc and it's working great for me.

 

[MLane7698]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Listen to your doctors. 

I agree - the midwife I spoke with - says that it would be 10x difficult to get pregnant now with mental health etc. - birth defects and stillbirths is a possiblity.

[glows]

8 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

I saw him googling "PARTNER DOES NOT WANT KID" and the conclusion at the bottom of the page - in Bustle - 10. Accept That This Might Not Be The Relationship For You. - we've been together for 14 years.  Although he hasnt said he's leaving and the rest of the family I have consulted he's not leaving me but my anxiety is getting the best of me - I'm 49 years old this  year and I feel that getting pregnant now will have complications, birth defects etc.

Then please deal with your anxiety and speak with your doctor if the medications aren’t working. Practice better communication with your partner and don’t let your fears get the better of you. Work through this as a couple and express yourselves. 

If he wants kids he is entitled to leave and make that choice. If you break up for other reasons he is also entitled to leave and move on with his life. You cannot force someone to be with you. 

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

I agree - the midwife I spoke with - says that it would be 10x difficult to get pregnant now with mental health etc. - birth defects and stillbirths is a possiblity.

I would imagine age will play a part in being able to conceive as well as the risk to your health.  Did he know you didn't want kids when you first got together?

[MLane7698]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

Then please deal with your anxiety and speak with your doctor if the medications aren’t working. Practice better communication with your partner and don’t let your fears get the better of you. Work through this as a couple and express yourselves. 

If he wants kids he is entitled to leave and make that choice. If you break up for other reasons he is also entitled to leave and move on with his life. You cannot force someone to be with you. 

I am taking herbal medication which is working great - he's not great at discussing his feelings and talking about his feelings.  I know I don't have control over him walking out.  Believe me if he walked out now I'm probably relieved.  i did say I want a trial separation and he said NO.

[MLane7698]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I would imagine age will play a part in being able to conceive as well as the risk to your health.  Did he know you didn't want kids when you first got together?

We did and then I suffered mental health depression - losing my job in 2010 (the miscarriage happened in 2015 by the way)- I thought that I would long for a baby but never happened and to be honest - after a few years of being together we never discussed it even after the miscarriage.  The reason I'm having anxiety now is that my step-sister is expecting and It's triggering us both!  I thought he would knew the pain that we've been through and accept and moved on.

[glows]

Just now, MLane7698 said:

I am taking herbal medication which is working great - he's not great at discussing his feelings and talking about his feelings.  I know I don't have control over him walking out.  Believe me if he walked out now I'm probably relieved.  i did say I want a trial separation and he said NO.

Are you legally married or is this common law? Speak to a lawyer regardless in private and figure out what your options are if you’re serious about ending this. Know also that trial breaks and separations usually lead to divorce and the end of a relationship.

On/off relationships are highly dysfunctional and I don’t agree with “breaks” or trial separations. They shouldn’t be used as a threat either or to manipulate someone into changing who they are. 

You said you were scared he was going to leave you in the first post and then now say you’re relieved if he walked out so which is it? I’m also not sure where all the resentment is coming from towards him. Is it a build up due to poor communication and lack of intimacy? 

 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, MLane7698 said:

We did and then I suffered mental health depression - losing my job in 2010 (the miscarriage happened in 2015 by the way)- I thought that I would long for a baby but never happened and to be honest - after a few years of being together we never discussed it even after the miscarriage.  The reason I'm having anxiety now is that my step-sister is expecting and It's triggering us both!  I thought he would knew the pain that we've been through and accept and moved on.

Is he complaining about not having a child since your step sister got pregnant?  How old is the step sister?

[MLane7698]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Are you legally married or is this common law? Speak to a lawyer regardless in private and figure out what your options are if you’re serious about ending this. Know also that trial breaks and separations usually lead to divorce and the end of a relationship.

On/off relationships are highly dysfunctional and I don’t agree with “breaks” or trial separations. They shouldn’t be used as a threat either or to manipulate someone into changing who they are. 

You said you were scared he was going to leave you in the first post and then now say you’re relieved if he walked out so which is it? I’m also not sure where all the resentment is coming from towards him. Is it a build up due to poor communication and lack of intimacy? 

 

Intimacy is not a problem to be honest - it's the communication. We're not married.  I did not threathned him at all - it's merely a chance to give him a space.

[MLane7698]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is he complaining about not having a child since your step sister got pregnant?  How old is the step sister?

My step-sister is 40 this year - no complaining but I feel it has affected him and me also.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

Intimacy is not a problem to be honest - it's the communication. We're not married.  I did not threathned him at all - it's merely a chance to give him a space.

Then ask him what he wants. Leave it as an open ended question for him to respond. Suggesting a trial separation is very extreme and a yes/no answer type of question leading to no other discussion or provoking the other person to feel upset or frustrated with you for suggesting this. You both need to communicate better. 

Edited March 25, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

My step-sister is 40 this year - no complaining but I feel it has affected him and me also.

You can always adopt.

[MLane7698]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You can always adopt.

I want to thank you for your kind words - yes it's an option I want to be honest with you. we're visiting his mum this weekend - I think it will take the edge off a bit.  Have a great weekend.

[MLane7698]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

Then ask him what he wants. Leave it as an open ended question for him to respond. Suggesting a trial separation is very extreme and a yes/no answer type of question leading to no other discussion or provoking the other person to feel upset or frustrated with you for suggesting this. You both need to communicate better. 

He's not great a discussing his feelings - although I've asked him "are you confident about me and you in the future or I've told him will you be with me in the future" and he said Yes - I guess time will tell.  And I've told him the other night - I don't want to worry anymore and he said then don't - then I told him stop googling s*** on internet.  We are visiting his mum this weekend - it will take the edge of a bit I think.  Have a nice weekend.

[Els]

Let's be totally honest here... at 49, it's not happening anyway unless you two adopt. Conceiving naturally will be virtually impossible, conceiving through IVF has a slight possibility but is also close to impossible (and will cost you both a ton of money). At this stage having biological kids is such an insanely low probability that there isn't even any point in making it a point of contention IMO.

That being said, I feel that  your anxiety might be leading you down a rabbit hole here. As a woman, you have the ultimate say in whether or not you wish to have biological kids - because it is your body and YOU are the one carrying the pregnancy. Just be confident in your decision, be honest with him, and use birth control. He can decide for himself whether he wants to stay or leave... but honestly, if he wants bio kids so much, it really wouldn't make sense for him to be with a woman who doesn't want bio kids to begin with, especially if she's 49.

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, MLane7698 said:

Although he hasnt said he's leaving...

in life there is no guarantees (other than death and taxes)... Anyone can leave their partner at any time, at any age and for no reason at all.

I've been with my long term girlfriend for 10 years, do I think she would ever leave me... no.  Could she wake up one day and decide to leave... yes; as could I.  At this point, I enjoy the relationship with her and vice-versa, so our journey (together) continues.

You have to take each day as a fresh page in a journal and enjoy it for what it is.

If your partner wants to leave... he will. If he wants to stay... he will.  Causing him angst about what he is researching on Google or any other search engine will only add another "straw that will break the camel's back" towards him wanting to leave.

My advice... just be the best person you can be and try not to let your anxiety cast angst onto him.

And yes I would agree with @Elswyth at 49, the "having a kid" ship has sailed.  At 49, you should be thinking more about your retirement plans and finances.

[MLane7698]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

Let's be totally honest here... at 49, it's not happening anyway unless you two adopt. Conceiving naturally will be virtually impossible, conceiving through IVF has a slight possibility but is also close to impossible (and will cost you both a ton of money). At this stage having biological kids is such an insanely low probability that there isn't even any point in making it a point of contention IMO.

That being said, I feel that  your anxiety might be leading you down a rabbit hole here. As a woman, you have the ultimate say in whether or not you wish to have biological kids - because it is your body and YOU are the one carrying the pregnancy. Just be confident in your decision, be honest with him, and use birth control. He can decide for himself whether he wants to stay or leave... but honestly, if he wants bio kids so much, it really wouldn't make sense for him to be with a woman who doesn't want bio kids to begin with, especially if she's 49.

I totally agree with you - I'm on birth control too Cerelle - I think you're right I just have to be confident with my decision.

[MLane7698]

32 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

in life there is no guarantees (other than death and taxes)... Anyone can leave their partner at any time, at any age and for no reason at all.

I've been with my long term girlfriend for 10 years, do I think she would ever leave me... no.  Could she wake up one day and decide to leave... yes; as could I.  At this point, I enjoy the relationship with her and vice-versa, so our journey (together) continues.

You have to take each day as a fresh page in a journal and enjoy it for what it is.

If your partner wants to leave... he will. If he wants to stay... he will.  Causing him angst about what he is researching on Google or any other search engine will only add another "straw that will break the camel's back" towards him wanting to leave.

My advice... just be the best person you can be and try not to let your anxiety cast angst onto him.

And yes I would agree with @Elswyth at 49, the "having a kid" ship has sailed.  At 49, you should be thinking more about your retirement plans and finances.

That's what I'm trying to do planning our future together - I just hope he knows that the ship has sailed of having a kid at my age. 

[Els]

1 minute ago, MLane7698 said:

That's what I'm trying to do planning our future together - I just hope he knows that the ship has sailed of having a kid at my age. 

I mean... surely a man in his 40s(?) must know this???

I'm glad you're going to try to be more confident in your decisions and work on your anxiety. That will benefit you hugely in all areas of life IMO, with this being one of them.