My Partner wants a baby but I don't want to.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your post reminds me of a couples counseling session that Esther Perel conducted in her podcast Where Should We Begin? This episode is titled "I can't give you a child" and ran in December 2017. 

I would say there are multiple issues here. Sounds like you are worried about the health danger to you of getting pregnant. This was the case, as I recall roughly, with the woman in the particular episode of the Esther Perel podcast that I'm referring to. This woman was also afraid that she couldn't become pregnant. Esther Perel deeply talked to the woman and helped her separate fear of not getting pregnant from not wanting to have a child. 

Worrying about the danger of getting pregnant is different than not wanting a child. When people typically say they don't want children, they are not reacting to fear of pregnancy or the health dangers of getting pregnant. These folks just don't want to raise kids. 

So maybe my question to you is, if there weren't health dangers involved in a potential pregnancy for you (beyond typical dangers), would you want to have a child? Or: do you want to have the experience of raising a child? I ask this because I sense your partner's googling was wrong. It's not "partner doesn't want to have a kid." He should google, if he wants to go that route, "My partner doesn't think she can survive a pregnancy." Or "partner terrified that pregnancy will hurt her." 

Just a few thoughts. I'll echo the question someone else asked: are you interested in adoption? 

You don't want to try to get pregnant out of fear he will leave you. That's the worst reason to have a child. The child will sense that lack of genuine desire 5 minutes after birth. You guys need to have a real conversation. Focus on expressing your fears. Forget about his reaction. Express your fears, let yourself be emotional and honest. He needs to FEEL exactly where you are. The tendency for people in your position is to get all analytical and turn this into an intellectual discussion. It's not. It's about you and your own desire for safety and your own commitment to protecting your health and wellbeing. 

 

[Happy Lemming]

6 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

I just hope he knows that the ship has sailed of having a kid at my age. 

I'm sure he knows that and was probably just looking something up to satisfy his curiosity about the subject.

6 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

That's what I'm trying to do planning our future together -

Great... plan your future.  If he is along for the journey, Great... If not, continue on that journey alone.

There are a few items on my "bucket list" that my girlfriend does not want to participate in and she has a few on hers that she can do alone.  We will still enjoy our joint activities together and the ones I do alone will bring me just as much joy and happiness.

You can't control another person's happiness. Only they can decide if they are happy with their life or if it is time to make a change.

[glows]

3 hours ago, MLane7698 said:

He's not great a discussing his feelings - although I've asked him "are you confident about me and you in the future or I've told him will you be with me in the future" and he said Yes - I guess time will tell.  And I've told him the other night - I don't want to worry anymore and he said then don't - then I told him stop googling s*** on internet.  We are visiting his mum this weekend - it will take the edge of a bit I think.  Have a nice weekend.

This is one of those things you feel in your heart or your gut. Why live or even share your life with someone if you have 1% or a sliver of a doubt. That's quite a miserable way to live but I can see as well if it's your anxiety talking. It seems like there's so much here under the surface and a lot of resentment that he could be debating other options. Seeing those search items might be questionable but you're really not going to get your answers from anyone else but him. 

I agree with the others about being confident about your decision and leave a relationship that's causing you more grief and stress than it is joy. 

[BaileyB]

20 hours ago, MLane7698 said:

That's what I'm trying to do planning our future together - I just hope he knows that the ship has sailed of having a kid at my age. 

To be fair, this ship has sailed for a man at his age (assuming he is also in his late 40’s). While it is biologically possible for him to still have children, it’s doubtful that he will be considered a good partner by a woman in her 30’s who is wanting to find a life partner and start a family. Unless he is independently wealthy, most women will want to find a man closer to their own age who will not be collecting the seniors discount when they go out to celebrate their child’s graduation. If having children was this important to him, he should have been making different decisions fifteen years ago…

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Unless he is independently wealthy,

I say this rather fasticiously, thinking of the Larry King’s and the Michael Douglas’ of the world who have children well into their golden years… They are also not really responsible for the daily care of the children. 

[stillafool]

 Birth defects can also happen in babies who have older fathers.  Adoption is best IMHO in this case; but one also has to think about their mortality and is that fair to a child.

[MLane7698]

On 3/25/2022 at 4:26 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Your post reminds me of a couples counseling session that Esther Perel conducted in her podcast Where Should We Begin? This episode is titled "I can't give you a child" and ran in December 2017. 

I would say there are multiple issues here. Sounds like you are worried about the health danger to you of getting pregnant. This was the case, as I recall roughly, with the woman in the particular episode of the Esther Perel podcast that I'm referring to. This woman was also afraid that she couldn't become pregnant. Esther Perel deeply talked to the woman and helped her separate fear of not getting pregnant from not wanting to have a child. 

Worrying about the danger of getting pregnant is different than not wanting a child. When people typically say they don't want children, they are not reacting to fear of pregnancy or the health dangers of getting pregnant. These folks just don't want to raise kids. 

So maybe my question to you is, if there weren't health dangers involved in a potential pregnancy for you (beyond typical dangers), would you want to have a child? Or: do you want to have the experience of raising a child? I ask this because I sense your partner's googling was wrong. It's not "partner doesn't want to have a kid." He should google, if he wants to go that route, "My partner doesn't think she can survive a pregnancy." Or "partner terrified that pregnancy will hurt her." 

Just a few thoughts. I'll echo the question someone else asked: are you interested in adoption? 

You don't want to try to get pregnant out of fear he will leave you. That's the worst reason to have a child. The child will sense that lack of genuine desire 5 minutes after birth. You guys need to have a real conversation. Focus on expressing your fears. Forget about his reaction. Express your fears, let yourself be emotional and honest. He needs to FEEL exactly where you are. The tendency for people in your position is to get all analytical and turn this into an intellectual discussion. It's not. It's about you and your own desire for safety and your own commitment to protecting your health and wellbeing. 

 

It's about you and your own desire for safety and your own commitment to protecting your health and wellbeing. 

I have been waiting for someone to tell me that. Thank you for your kind words.

[MLane7698]

I'm sure you guys have read some of my topics.  But Im trying to shout to the VOID.  I'm nearly 50 and hes 42 - We are not married at all.  Due to circumstances - i do not want a baby at my age. Should I feel gulty?  Now, I feel nervous about the future for us.

Edited April 26, 2022 by MLane7698
Add ons

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, MLane7698 said:

I'm nearly 50 and hes 42 

Does he realistically think a 50 y/o woman should have a child? What are the real relationship issues? 

[MLane7698]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he realistically think a 50 y/o woman should have a child? What are the real relationship issues? 

I feel guilty that I didn't give him a baby - -

[MLane7698]

Just now, MLane7698 said:

I feel guilty that I didn't give him a baby - -

what shall I do? 

 

[NuevoYorko]

No.  You shouldn't feel guilty.  Guilt is useless.  It serves no purpose.  You didn't do anything immoral or evil.  Both of you have stayed in a relationship that has carried you out of your childbearing years, and also into a phase of life where you'd be close to 70 with a teenage child.  This would be less than ideal for most people, I think.  He has stayed, so he's living that choice himself.  Perhaps he did himself wrong.  If having a child is so important to him, he needed to honor that.  But it's not your responsibility.

As far as the future of your relationship - I don't understand.  You are 50, he's in his 40's, you've been together for 15 years!   Childbearing time is already several years behind you.  You both have been aware of this the whole time.  Also, you have not married.   That's fine - but apparently you both have been okay with no formal relationship status for 15 years.  Or, do you have things that tie you together like property owned in common, a common bank account, etc? 

 

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

If having a child was REALLY a HUGE goal for him, he would have done it many years ago.  Moreover, once he knew your age he would have discontinued the relationship (if he really, really wanted a child). 

As an adult male, I know what years are realistic for child bearing.  If I didn't, I could certainly ask my doctor.  Although I understand that women can have children in their 40's, I know the "safe and healthy" range ends at 35 - 37.  So if I started dating a woman over 35 - 37, I just assumed "having kids" was off the table.

It is possible, he is using this "child bearing" situation as a reason to start the breakup process.  Have there been other issues or problems in the relationship?? 

 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, MLane7698 said:

what shall I do? 

 

Other than adoption there isn't anything you can do.  Does he now want a child?

[glows]

3 hours ago, MLane7698 said:

I'm sure you guys have read some of my topics.  But Im trying to shout to the VOID.  I'm nearly 50 and hes 42 - We are not married at all.  Due to circumstances - i do not want a baby at my age. Should I feel gulty?  Now, I feel nervous about the future for us.

Skimming over your last thread it seems you both have poor communication. I was about to suggest more communication with your partner until that stopped me. He's poor in communication and you both nearly had a trial separation due to arguments. It's his relative who's pregnant now triggering the both of you and you're very nervous or uncertain about where he stands. Does he not show you at all how much he loves you or has the intimacy waned also? 

When you're filled with this much doubt, I'd worry less about getting pregnant and more concerned about whether the relationship is as good as over. Think about your well being here. 

[MLane7698]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

No.  You shouldn't feel guilty.  Guilt is useless.  It serves no purpose.  You didn't do anything immoral or evil.  Both of you have stayed in a relationship that has carried you out of your childbearing years, and also into a phase of life where you'd be close to 70 with a teenage child.  This would be less than ideal for most people, I think.  He has stayed, so he's living that choice himself.  Perhaps he did himself wrong.  If having a child is so important to him, he needed to honor that.  But it's not your responsibility.

As far as the future of your relationship - I don't understand.  You are 50, he's in his 40's, you've been together for 15 years!   Childbearing time is already several years behind you.  You both have been aware of this the whole time.  Also, you have not married.   That's fine - but apparently you both have been okay with no formal relationship status for 15 years.  Or, do you have things that tie you together like property owned in common, a common bank account, etc? 

 

 

 

 

We don;t share bank account - just living together, the house is on my name and he gives me money each month.

[MLane7698]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Other than adoption there isn't anything you can do.  Does he now want a child?

He said that I'm too old for a baby now and he said we may end up having a baby with birth defects and down syndrome.

[MLane7698]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

If having a child was REALLY a HUGE goal for him, he would have done it many years ago.  Moreover, once he knew your age he would have discontinued the relationship (if he really, really wanted a child). 

As an adult male, I know what years are realistic for child bearing.  If I didn't, I could certainly ask my doctor.  Although I understand that women can have children in their 40's, I know the "safe and healthy" range ends at 35 - 37.  So if I started dating a woman over 35 - 37, I just assumed "having kids" was off the table.

It is possible, he is using this "child bearing" situation as a reason to start the breakup process.  Have there been other issues or problems in the relationship?? 

 

He never mentioned that he;s going to leave me - I just felt guilty for not giving him a baby as it;s too late of my age.

[MLane7698]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Skimming over your last thread it seems you both have poor communication. I was about to suggest more communication with your partner until that stopped me. He's poor in communication and you both nearly had a trial separation due to arguments. It's his relative who's pregnant now triggering the both of you and you're very nervous or uncertain about where he stands. Does he not show you at all how much he loves you or has the intimacy waned also? 

When you're filled with this much doubt, I'd worry less about getting pregnant and more concerned about whether the relationship is as good as over. Think about your well being here. 

He doesn;t like talking about what I feel - or his feelings - I did ask though - if he's still love me and he said YES but my stupid brain is not projecting it.

[stillafool]

How old were you when you two first got together?

[notbroken]

What good does guilt do about this?   It is too late.  Guilt is fruitless.   Go forward with your head held high and be the best you that you can be. 

[MLane7698]

Just now, stillafool said:

How old were you when you two first got together?

I was 35/36 - there was a mention on having a baby but I feel that I was so comfortable with our life - I didn't initiate the issue.

[stillafool]

So he isn't the one pressuring you for a baby it's you doing it to yourself.  I'm an older woman and it could be for some of us that once we see and feel the door closing on childbirth those of us who never thought about or even wanted children start to grieve the loss of that experience.  Have you thought of talking to a therapist?

[MLane7698]

Just now, stillafool said:

So he isn't the one pressuring you for a baby it's you doing it to yourself.  I'm an older woman and it could be for some of us that once we see and feel the door closing on childbirth those of us who never thought about or even wanted children start to grieve the loss of that experience.  Have you thought of talking to a therapist?

I am on therapy - but the therapist it gets deeper than she thought it is.

[MLane7698]

10 minutes ago, MLane7698 said:

I was 35/36 - there was a mention on having a baby but I feel that I was so comfortable with our life - I didn't initiate the issue.

I really thought that I'd have a baby but after the miscarriage I got scared and didnt try again,