Wiseman2 Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, MLane7698 said: I feel guilty that I didn't give him a baby - - You don't owe him a child. He can adopt. Is he threatening to leave you or what are the real relationship issues? See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the protracted guilt and ruminating. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Edited April 26, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 7 minutes ago, MLane7698 said: I am on therapy - but the therapist it gets deeper than she thought it is. Are you saying she's going to refer you to a psychiatrist? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 33 minutes ago, MLane7698 said: I just felt guilty for not giving him a baby as it;s too late of my age. Why is he bringing up having children in the first place?? At what age did you two meet?? How old were you and how old was he?? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 52 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Why is he bringing up having children in the first place?? At what age did you two meet?? How old were you and how old was he?? Never mind... I just read upthread that you were 35/36, so that would have made him about 27. So you two have been together for approximately 14-15 years?? Again, I still think if having children were important to him the subject would have come up early in the relationship. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Years ago, I remember going out with a woman that was 41. She was a little older than me at that time. On our second date, she was quite clear that having children was "off the table" and if I wanted kids, I should leave now, as she wasn't changing her mind on that subject. I didn't want children, so that was non-issue and we dated for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 26, 2022 Share Posted April 26, 2022 Is he actively trying to make you feel guilty? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 27, 2022 Share Posted April 27, 2022 On 3/25/2022 at 12:17 PM, MLane7698 said: I totally agree with you - I'm on birth control too Cerelle - I think you're right I just have to be confident with my decision. Why are you on birth control when you're trying to conceive and already 49? You don't need BC because you probably can't get pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 27, 2022 Share Posted April 27, 2022 19 hours ago, MLane7698 said: He doesn;t like talking about what I feel - or his feelings - I did ask though - if he's still love me and he said YES but my stupid brain is not projecting it. Whatever brain you have is the only one you've got so don't put yourself down like that. Sometimes we feel what we feel and there's no changing that instinct we know deep down. The relationship may be mismatched for a long time and you haven't faced that or wanted to see that. Parents who have lost children may also feel what you feel, something of a void that can't be replaced. Have you thought of volunteering or spending time around children if you like them so much? Start with healing that void or pain inside that keeps telling you you're not enough or that he'll leave you for someone else because you can't have kids. You know that even if he leaves, it's not because you were inadequate or less of a human being. You both may be incompatible. Why doesn't he communicate with you more often or make an effort if he knows you're hurt? It's my belief that a relationship serves the purpose of companionship as equally as it does for sex and intimacy or any other aspect that we look to relationships for. If he isn't your best friend what good is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted April 28, 2022 Share Posted April 28, 2022 I just took time to read this topic. There's something I noticed in the opening post. The title says "My Partner wants a baby but I don't want to". But the post reads more like "My Partner wants a baby but I'm terribly afraid to". I can imagine that miscarriage is a very traumatic experience. I think you should see a psychologist to help you with this unhealthy amount of fear and stress you must be carrying around. I also think you should see a gyneacologist to check if you are at increased risk for miscarriage from a cold medical perspective. I can't help but think: what if... What if the fears can be controlled and the medical examinations don't show anomalies? At one point in time it was your desire to be pregnant and give birth to a baby. Maybe the desire is still there underneat these layers of emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted April 28, 2022 Author Share Posted April 28, 2022 2 hours ago, Will am I said: I just took time to read this topic. There's something I noticed in the opening post. The title says "My Partner wants a baby but I don't want to". But the post reads more like "My Partner wants a baby but I'm terribly afraid to". I can imagine that miscarriage is a very traumatic experience. I think you should see a psychologist to help you with this unhealthy amount of fear and stress you must be carrying around. I also think you should see a gyneacologist to check if you are at increased risk for miscarriage from a cold medical perspective. I can't help but think: what if... What if the fears can be controlled and the medical examinations don't show anomalies? At one point in time it was your desire to be pregnant and give birth to a baby. Maybe the desire is still there underneat these layers of emotions. Higher risk for my age of nearly 50. I know these can be prevented but nothing is certain and I believe that I have tokophobia. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 28, 2022 Share Posted April 28, 2022 41 minutes ago, MLane7698 said: Higher risk for my age of nearly 50. Try to relax and not worry about your BF's wishes. He could adopt, have broken up etc. Not sure a physician would recommend a preganacy at this stage. The real issue is unwarranted guilt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 28, 2022 Share Posted April 28, 2022 54 minutes ago, MLane7698 said: Higher risk for my age of nearly 50. I know these can be prevented but nothing is certain and I believe that I have tokophobia. How can they be prevented? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted April 28, 2022 Author Share Posted April 28, 2022 3 minutes ago, stillafool said: How can they be prevented? By precautions but unsure to be honest. Like I say I feel the risk is higher. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 7, 2022 Share Posted May 7, 2022 Let's just be honest here - any man who is with a 49yo woman must surely understand and accept that biological kids are not a possibility for him unless he's willing and able to pay a surrogate. It would be frankly quite idiotic to expect otherwise. Besides the fact that the chances of a live birth at that age is infinitesimal (even with IVF, and virtually impossible without it), pregnancy is a relatively high risk endeavour to begin with for any woman (23.8 deaths per 100,000 live births in the US, specifically - to put this into context, skydiving has 1 death per 101,083 jumps), and the risk increases exponentially with age. No ethical doctor would ever recommend that you try unless it was YOUR biggest wish in life, and even then it would be iffy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 7, 2022 Share Posted May 7, 2022 On 4/28/2022 at 11:40 AM, MLane7698 said: By precautions but unsure to be honest. Like I say I feel the risk is higher. It's not just a risk but more like an impossibility. Does he want you guys to get a Surrogate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted May 8, 2022 Author Share Posted May 8, 2022 19 hours ago, stillafool said: It's not just a risk but more like an impossibility. Does he want you guys to get a Surrogate? He never talks about it even adopting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted May 8, 2022 Author Share Posted May 8, 2022 On 5/7/2022 at 12:14 PM, Elswyth said: Let's just be honest here - any man who is with a 49yo woman must surely understand and accept that biological kids are not a possibility for him unless he's willing and able to pay a surrogate. It would be frankly quite idiotic to expect otherwise. Besides the fact that the chances of a live birth at that age is infinitesimal (even with IVF, and virtually impossible without it), pregnancy is a relatively high risk endeavour to begin with for any woman (23.8 deaths per 100,000 live births in the US, specifically - to put this into context, skydiving has 1 death per 101,083 jumps), and the risk increases exponentially with age. No ethical doctor would ever recommend that you try unless it was YOUR biggest wish in life, and even then it would be iffy. To be honest I’m scared of childbirth and pregnancy. When I’ve had a miscarriage it’s the most traumatising experience of my life. but didn’t realised that my decision not to try again has taken its effect on me. I felt guilty for not giving him a baby esp when I found out my sister is pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 8, 2022 Share Posted May 8, 2022 4 minutes ago, MLane7698 said: To be honest I’m scared of childbirth and pregnancy. When I’ve had a miscarriage it’s the most traumatising experience of my life. You need to recover from all this. You should concern yourself with your current physical and mental health. Your BF is not asking you to have a baby right now and at 49 it's not what you want anyway and never did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 8, 2022 Share Posted May 8, 2022 2 hours ago, MLane7698 said: To be honest I’m scared of childbirth and pregnancy. When I’ve had a miscarriage it’s the most traumatising experience of my life. but didn’t realised that my decision not to try again has taken its effect on me. I felt guilty for not giving him a baby esp when I found out my sister is pregnant. I hope you're aware that this guilt is all self-inflicted. From everything you've said, he doesn't want you to feel guilty, and you shouldn't. It's just voices in your head. Admittedly it's a difficult voice to shut up, because society keeps pushing this narrative on us (that our main "use" in life is to give a dude babies), but it's something you need to work on if you want to move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 8, 2022 Share Posted May 8, 2022 7 hours ago, MLane7698 said: He never talks about it even adopting. Well if he's not talking about or saying anything about having a baby why is the title of your thread "My Partner Wants A Baby But I Don't"? You sound like you just want a baby because your sister is pregnant. A lot of women, myself included, once they have passed their childbearing years; wonder if they made a mistake by not having one, but this too shall pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted May 9, 2022 Author Share Posted May 9, 2022 12 hours ago, stillafool said: Well if he's not talking about or saying anything about having a baby why is the title of your thread "My Partner Wants A Baby But I Don't"? You sound like you just want a baby because your sister is pregnant. A lot of women, myself included, once they have passed their childbearing years; wonder if they made a mistake by not having one, but this too shall pass. He said to me that’s it’s too late for me as I’m too old. Should I feel guilty not giving him a baby? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 9, 2022 Share Posted May 9, 2022 38 minutes ago, MLane7698 said: He said to me that’s it’s too late for me as I’m too old. Should I feel guilty not giving him a baby? He's right you are too old and no you should not feel guilty that you guys do not have a child. If you really want a child you can always adopt one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 9, 2022 Share Posted May 9, 2022 (edited) On 4/26/2022 at 11:35 AM, MLane7698 said: I feel guilty that I didn't give him a baby - - On 4/26/2022 at 11:36 AM, MLane7698 said: what shall I do? He was fully aware of and party to the fact that you did not want children when you started out together. If children were truly a priority for him, then he should have left long ago. The fact that he stayed tells me he chose you over having a child. You have to find a way to let go of the guilt. If he has now decided he wants a child, perhaps you should explore the idea of a surrogate mother, or adoption, in case that is what the two of you would want to do together. If not, you cannot control whether he leaves so that he can father a child with a younger woman. Have you had a discussion with him about this? (Whether he is going to leave you, or whether the two of you can/should adopt or have a surrogate mom?) Edited May 9, 2022 by vla1120 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted May 9, 2022 Author Share Posted May 9, 2022 3 minutes ago, vla1120 said: He was fully aware of and party to the fact that you did not want children when you started out together. If children were truly a priority for him, then he should have left long ago. The fact that he stayed tells me he chose you over having a child. You have to find a way to let go of the guilt. If he has now decided he wants a child, perhaps you should explore the idea of a surrogate mother, or adoption, in case that is what the two of you would want to do together. If not, you cannot control whether he leaves so that he can father a child with a younger woman. Have you had a discussion with him about this? I’ve decided not to have a baby after a miscarriage- I was traumatised. I know the miscarriage is not my fault but the guilt I’m feeling is that i didn’t give him a baby. He said he’s not going to leave me. Whenever we discuss he freaks out. If you can shine a light to this I’m grateful for all your input. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 9, 2022 Share Posted May 9, 2022 6 hours ago, MLane7698 said: He said to me......I’m too old. Is this what is actually bothering you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MLane7698 Posted May 9, 2022 Author Share Posted May 9, 2022 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is this what is actually bothering you? I feel guilty for not giving him a baby. Should I? last night I’ve had an tearful argument with him - I’ve asked him if he understands what I feel and he just freaked out. Link to post Share on other sites
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