Ex partner won't let go (update - he's threatening to show my pictures)

[AlphaFemme99]

I posted while engaged how I’ve been trying to end a relationship where my depressed fiancé was unleashing stresses verbally on me.

I was held back many times because he took a lot of strong painkillers in front of me and has been talking suicide for a while. 

i did end up leaving 6 months ago but he’s been trying to see me as often as possible - determined to get me back and because he’s grieving and no family is nearby,… again talking about self harm etc. I’ve helped him out of some tough life circumstances and he just landed a job 6 hrs drive away for a year contract that’ll be a great start to his career dream and out of stressful commission job

Long story short, I’m not going with him and he’s not begging me to .. but asking me to not date anyone for six months at least as he’ll be better after a stable job, will get his knee operation by then and be off the strong painkillers, lose weight etc and be the partner I originally had come to know and say yes to marrying. He wants to fly me up to visit and come back visit me as much as possible 

Meanwhile right in front of me, at the job trial and meeting two younger office girls (one with a model body), he’s on his best behaviour asking a few times to fix the internet issue going on in the office even tho they said it’ll be fine and working by the time he starts the job.

We have found out both girls have partners but he started telling the model who’s in charge of sales if she needs help with it, he’s glad to help boost her commission on top of salary because that’s his current job. He went on for about 20 minutes and even showed her a video where he won salesman of the year recently and she hasn’t even said she’d take him up on it Men NEVER offered me help just to be friendly - correct me on this. I told him later I’m glad he’s flirting as he can then get off my beck and he said it’s entirely innocent and he’s trying to fit in with the staff 
 

He seriously he spent two days crying a lot and saying how he doesn’t want to move to this town as it’s a boring country town away from me and nature so .. he doesn’t think he can last because he’s already depressed. He almost walked out in traffic on our drive back home because I didn’t promise him I wouldn’t date someone else (because all he wants is me apparently)

How do i get out of this? At least he’s moving soon but I can’t envision him getting better with the high level of instability.. he’s clearly hanging on by a thread. Don’t want him to lose his life as he seems closer each time I see him to doing something stupid .. but I also don’t want to feel like I’m held hostage

Edited May 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
update title post merge

[basil67]

His mental health is nor your responsibility so my advice is to end it now and block him.   He can start afresh with his new job or sit in a basement and rot. It's his choice.

Tell him bluntly that you've had enough of his emotional manipulation and have decided that you can no longer be part of this life.   I know blocking sounds harsh, but if you leave communication lines open, he will continue to manipulate you with suicide threats and you'll never move on.   Should you get a call that he's attempting/attempted suicide, tell the person who calls you that you will not be engaging with him.  

I know it sounds harsh, but if you're to be free of him and live your life, you've gotta rip the wax off. 

 

[AlphaFemme99]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

His mental health is nor your responsibility so my advice is to end it now and block him.   He can start afresh with his new job or sit in a basement and rot. It's his choice.

Tell him bluntly that you've had enough of his emotional manipulation and have decided that you can no longer be part of this life.   I know blocking sounds harsh, but if you leave communication lines open, he will continue to manipulate you with suicide threats and you'll never move on.   Should you get a call that he's attempting/attempted suicide, tell the person who calls you that you will not be engaging with him.  

I know it sounds harsh, but if you're to be free of him and live your life, you've gotta rip the wax off. 

 

He’s convinced he’s gonna get back to himself after his operation and being off the strong meds, the new job etc and is begging me to give him another chance after that happens 

I know it sounds easy blocking but he’s really messed up and he’s become worse after a loss that he’s vulnerable enough to go through with it if I do that.

he asked me not to changed my relationship status online but I recently took it off anyway .. don’t want to pretend 

ive already left the relationship 6 months ago but he’s not wanting to lose the friendship or his chance to make things better. If suicide wasn’t part of the equation, id stop being there for him at all (currently once every fortnight catch up I’m allowing) and id tell him he can only ever try a chance with me again if I’m single and if/when he gets these main issues fixed. He is seeing a regular psychologist  

[basil67]

So you want to stay around for more of the same?    You know it could be years and years of this manipulation in your life if you stay in contact.  You could be out starting your life over and finding a great, normal boyfriend...or you could waste more years on this guy.

How old are you?  Do you want children one day?  Remember, your fertility doesn't last forever.

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by basil67

[AlphaFemme99]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you want to stay around for more of the same?    You know it could be years and years of this manipulation in your life if you stay in contact.  You could be out starting your life over and finding a great, normal boyfriend...or you could waste more years on this guy.

How old are you?  Do you want children one day?  Remember, your fertility doesn't last forever.

 

I’m not going to stop going out meeting people in the process and will tell him I won’t agree to not date (as I recently told him im ready to date again)

He’s close to fixing some key issues causing the problems - just got his dream job and soon getting the operation done that the restrictions kept postponing since sept 2020 unfortunately 

I’ll stay friends but just don’t buy that he’s able to get back to what he was before covid hit and all these issues erupted and he lost a close family member too that he is struggling to come to terms with. I also don’t buy that he’s determined to have me back - he was obsessed in the first 6 months or so and I see a change and he tries to explain it’s just the stress. Actions certainly aren’t matching the words and he starts bawling his eyes out that I’m misunderstanding him and not trusting him 

 

 

[basil67]

When he accuses you of misunderstanding or not trusting him, do you shut him down?   Something like "if that's how you really feel, I suggest you go find someone who understands you and who you can trust because apparently I'm not it" and walk away from him.   

Honestly, this guy's behaviour is appalling.

[AlphaFemme99]

Yes I always do. I only stayed as long as I had and continued friendship because of constant suicide threats. He was vulnerable before but can tell is much worse since he lost a close parent in an untimely death .. and then lost me finally when I walked away (I had six weeks space from him after covid bs made him angry in 2020 and I returned to give it another chance because he agreed to relationship counselling) .. things started well when I returned and not long after, he got a call about the death 

I understand a lot of crap can happen at once (been there) but u can’t just put it on others just because you’ve never had to deal with coping mechanisms before. He had a much easier life before so everything is a shock.. while I grew up in turmoil and have learned to deal 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You need to examine your own reasons for hanging onto this.

He's manipulative. If he's suicidal call 911. Why does he have painkillers readily on hand for these manipulative threats?

Read up on abusive relationships and look for support and councellng to help extricate yourself from this.

[AlphaFemme99]

He’s got painkillers because he is on so much pain from a knee operation that is very overdue. It was meant to be almost two years ago and he keeps getting postponed because of [ ] covid .. then he takes more than he should at times that he wants to give up on life 

Edited March 27, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[AlphaFemme99]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You need to examine your own reasons for hanging onto this.

He's manipulative. If he's suicidal call 911. Why does he have painkillers readily on hand for these manipulative threats?

Read up on abusive relationships and look for support and councellng to help extricate yourself from this.

I called the police before (3 days after I left after he threatened suicide again) 

he was found barely coherent and taken to hospital 

Now he doesn’t tell me in advance but I heard he was taken to hospital a couple of times since 

[basil67]

@AlphaFemme99 to clarify, is he seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist? Or both?    Because if it's only a psychologist, I'd be upping the ante ASAP

[AlphaFemme99]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@AlphaFemme99 to clarify, is he seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist? Or both?    Because if it's only a psychologist, I'd be upping the ante ASAP

Only a psychologist that has 40 yrs experience.. he’s amazing as I’m told. 

he apparently tried anti depressants before and doesn’t want to go there again but I completely get that because I was once put on Prozac when so many things went bad in my life and it messed me up.. chemicals took over and it made me worse.

[AlphaFemme99]

40 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Only a psychologist that has 40 yrs experience.. he’s amazing as I’m told. 

he apparently tried anti depressants before and doesn’t want to go there again but I completely get that because I was once put on Prozac when so many things went bad in my life and it messed me up.. chemicals took over and it made me worse.

Only a psychologist. He said he tried anti depressants and because of my own shocking  experience.. I can never go on them again. I understand his reluctance 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Only a psychologist. He said he tried anti depressants and because of my own shocking  experience.. I can never go on them again. I understand his reluctance 

Let his doctors manage his health. If he is an ex, his psychiatric, medical and addiction problems are best left to qualified personnel.

Until he gets better healthcare including better pain management, psychiatric care and detox/rehab, he'll go down with or without you.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[AlphaFemme99]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let his doctors manage his health. If he is an ex, his psychiatric, medical and addiction problems are best left to qualified personnel.

Until he gets better healthcare including better pain management, psychiatric care and detox/rehab, he'll go down with or without you.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

So for someone that vulnerable (I’ve witnessed it) .. you really think it’s still ok? In other circumstances I’d have done that 

the only reason I’m reaching out on this forum is it’s different to usual .. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

So for someone that vulnerable (I’ve witnessed it) .. you really think it’s still ok? In other circumstances I’d have done that 

the only reason I’m reaching out on this forum is it’s different to usual .. 

He is responsible for his mental and physical health. It's not your job to be his therapist, physician, pain manager ems or a suicide hotline.

Focus on your own mental and physical health. Get a better evaluation and better treatment options for yourself. Try not to commingle your and his mental health issues.

Take care of yourself and only yourself. Trauma bonds and lack of boundaries are often the sine qua non of destructive relationships.

Edited March 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He is responsible for his mental and physical health. It's not your job to be his therapist, physician, pain manager ems or a suicide hotline.

Focus on your own mental and physical health. Get a better evaluation and better treatment options for yourself. Try not to commingle your and his mental health issues.

Take care of yourself and only yourself. Trauma bonds and lack of boundaries are often the sine qua non of destructive relationships.

It looks like a trauma bond but I would’ve cut it off ages ago if I wasn’t concerned. That’s my problem - kindness. At first the risk was present but now it’s really high - it’s why I can’t seem to let my ex do something permanent that can be fixed with some changes. I have the psychological skills so it’s hard to step away and do nothing. 
I gave him all the hotlines .. he has a regular psychologist.. all is in place but it’s pretty serious still and part of why I feel stuck 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I don’t know why you think this. If someone is bone on bone and has so much pain, why is it a problem to take meds?

Because they get addicted to opioids. Seriously, it’s not that difficult to understand. He is erratic because he is addicted to his painkillers. And, he likely has some other mental health issues.

Good for you to end the relationship. But, you clearly like the drama and want to be his saviour or you would stay involved. Block him and get a protection order if needed. Enough already - you can’t fix his mention health or addiction issues. Time to  focus on your own life. 

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

That’s my problem - kindness.

That’s not your problem. This goes way past kindness.

54 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I have the psychological skills so it’s hard to step away and do nothing. 

He has a psychologist. He has other doctors. You have given him the hotline numbers. He has been to the ER. 

You don’t have the psychological skills - you are way too involved here to be of any assistance now - except to enable. He has other support. It’s time for you to take a step back. 

[glows]

Distance yourself and refer him to the appropriate medical help. Suggest he see his doctors. I agree that you are enabling him. Move forwards yourself and deal with your own coping and mental health. 

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That’s not your problem. This goes way past kindness.

He has a psychologist. He has other doctors. You have given him the hotline numbers. He has been to the ER. 

You don’t have the psychological skills - you are way too involved here to be of any assistance now - except to enable. He has other support. It’s time for you to take a step back. 

I get that but he puts it on me… “if it’s not for you I wouldn’t live” .. I find a reason each day to stay alive etc etc and the list apparently is regarding me.

it’s pretty hard if he just gave up 

[stillafool]

I know a 73 year old woman who has bone on bone in her knee waiting for surgery and she isn't crying and acting like a baby.  She uses a cane to walk and is on mild pain killers as needed.  She says the only time she's in pain is when she walks so she has to stay off her feet as much as possible.  She's hopeful and looking forward to her surgery.   You should leave him alone and don't try to be his friend because that will never work because you both will be jealous of the other's partners.  As you can see when you left him for 6 mos before he didn't kill himself.  He's using that to threaten you and it's cruel.  Most people who do commit suicide don't want anyone to know because they don't want to be stopped.  That's how my brother did it and I've heard the same from others who have lost someone to suicide.

[AlphaFemme99]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I know a 73 year old woman who has bone on bone in her knee waiting for surgery and she isn't crying and acting like a baby.  She uses a cane to walk and is on mild pain killers as needed.  She says the only time she's in pain is when she walks so she has to stay off her feet as much as possible.  She's hopeful and looking forward to her surgery.   You should leave him alone and don't try to be his friend because that will never work because you both will be jealous of the other's partners.  As you can see when you left him for 6 mos before he didn't kill himself.  He's using that to threaten you and it's cruel.  Most people who do commit suicide don't want anyone to know because they don't want to be stopped.  That's how my brother did it and I've heard the same from others who have lost someone to suicide.

He doesn’t tell anyone apart from his psychologist and me. It’s like he’s trying so hard to hold on and asking me to help him find a reason to stay. He keeps asking me

[mark clemson]

I think it's very unfair, and possibly unwise, for you to be stuck as part of this person's "support system". While his suicide threats seem to be more than mere manipulation (although they are certainly partly manipulation) it's obvious that he has issues that are above your pay grade to address. In fact, if you did have the skills/qualifications to help try to address them, you'd have to recuse yourself since you have a relationship.

It seems he is an abuser AND has serious problems of his own to address. It also seems like he's essentially asking/manipulating you to avoid moving on so that you can be his plan B/"backup plan" in case nothing works out in his new city. Consider why/how he continues to have a hold on you. You might also research "narcissistic hoovering" (a real thing, despite the the funny name).  Sometimes it's (much) fairer to you to just let an ex be an ex.

[ExpatInItaly]

So what do you want to do here, OP?

You don't seem prepared to walk away from him. You've outlined the reasons why you won't, essentially. So what advice are you seeking?