Ex partner won't let go (update - he's threatening to show my pictures)

[AlphaFemme99]

18 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think it's very unfair, and possibly unwise, for you to be stuck as part of this person's "support system". While his suicide threats seem to be more than mere manipulation (although they are certainly partly manipulation) it's obvious that he has issues that are above your pay grade to address. In fact, if you did have the skills/qualifications to help try to address them, you'd have to recuse yourself since you have a relationship.

It seems he is an abuser AND has serious problems of his own to address. It also seems like he's essentially asking/manipulating you to avoid moving on so that you can be his plan B/"backup plan" in case nothing works out in his new city. Consider why/how he continues to have a hold on you. You might also research "narcissistic hoovering" (a real thing, despite the the funny name).  Sometimes it's (much) fairer to you to just let an ex be an ex.

I had a look and it seems possible. Always suspected it’s narcissism. He’s so insecure though.. used to monitor my phone on special occasions when I got drunk and I found whole lists of male friends being wiped off my social media on those days 

I’m just traumatised I guess. He’s impulsive and a few times parked on the side of the freeway on our way back from the town he’s about to work in, he was about to walk into traffic. I had to hold him back .. 
Says he knows it’s the key to his dream job but he won’t be happy there etc etc and can’t go on much longer. I’ve taken him to hospital before for overdosing on painkillers btw .. it’s pretty raw 

[mark clemson]

Fair enough and it's certainly a sad situation. When someone is intent on walking into traffic (or similar), that's DEFINITELY a time to get emergency services involved. ☹️ Overall, it seems you are hanging around in/for an abusive relationship (or at least the aftermath of one).

Edited March 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[AlphaFemme99]

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough and it's certainly a sad situation. When someone is intent on walking into traffic (or similar), that's DEFINITELY a time to get emergency services involved. ☹️ Overall, it seems you are hanging around in/for an abusive relationship (or at least the aftermath of one).

I feel like I’m trying to keep him alive until he fixes these few main issues .. once he starts the job, it’ll be easier for example 

once he gets the operation, he’ll be off strong meds. (He’s still in pain despite them) .. but I’ve once been on meds and know how much the chemicals can mess with the mind 

It’s just a slap in the face though when he still at times unleashes the stresses on me. Wants me back desperately and doesn’t know how to deal with it apparently. Yet you would agree by my first post that the offers to help his new coworkers are clearly designed for attention to himself and potential new supply. 
He worked really hard to get me btw and just can’t bear losing me .. it’s really a messed up situation. He really had fallen hard but I see a difference in him now 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He’s impulsive and a few times parked on the side of the freeway on our way back from the town he’s about to work in, he was about to walk into traffic. I had to hold him back .. 

That's abusive. Read up on that. He's keeping you hostage. He's  been to ERs and doctors. It's not about that. In fact if you left he may get the help he needs. Read up on Rock Bottom. You realize opioids are serious brain depressants, no?

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

You aren’t God. You can’t keep him alive!

that’s for him to work on.

read the book codependent no more.

you have severe codependency issues you need help with. Ask a counselor to help you. This is something YOU can change about yourself.

I wouldn’t see him as a friend for any other reason. I know what you’re saying but I’ve never really done this before. 
he tells me part of his exercises is writing down reasons to stay alive each day and things about me are continuously on the list. He’s making me feel like I’m the only reason and keeps telling me that. I feel stuck 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I feel like I’m trying to keep him alive until he fixes these few main issues .. once he starts the job, it’ll be easier for example 

once he gets the operation, he’ll be off strong meds. (He’s still in pain despite them) .. but I’ve once been on meds and know how much the chemicals can mess with the mind 

It’s just a slap in the face though when he still at times unleashes the stresses on me. Wants me back desperately and doesn’t know how to deal with it apparently. Yet you would agree by my first post that the offers to help his new coworkers are clearly designed for attention to himself and potential new supply. 
He worked really hard to get me btw and just can’t bear losing me .. it’s really a messed up situation. He really had fallen hard but I see a difference in him now 

It's highly unlikely he will be able to get off the opiods when his surgery is done.  Not everyone gets addicted to opioids, but those who have existing mental health issures or who are unhappy with life are far more likely to be unable to give them up.  

Yes, it's a slap in the face when he unloads on you.  But do you know why he does it?  It's because you allow it by choosing to stay in his life.  

Lastly, knowing that he desperately wants you back, it's very unfair of you to stay in his life.  He's already screwed up enough, but your presence and caring is sending all these mixed messages which prohibits him from being able to move on. 

Honestly, your presence in his life is likely causing more problems than it solves. 

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I wouldn’t see him as a friend for any other reason. I know what you’re saying but I’ve never really done this before. 
he tells me part of his exercises is writing down reasons to stay alive each day and things about me are continuously on the list. He’s making me feel like I’m the only reason and keeps telling me that. I feel stuck 

It's emotional manipulation.  And you're falling for it, hook line and sinker. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Wants me back desperately and doesn’t know how to deal with it apparently. Yet you would agree by my first post that the offers to help his new coworkers are clearly designed for attention to himself and potential new supply. 
He worked really hard to get me btw and just can’t bear losing me .. it’s really a messed up situation. He really had fallen hard but I see a difference in him now 

None of this is your problem.  People fall hard for others all the time but there's no guarantee people are going to love you back or stay with you until death.  People move on and those left behind have to find ways to self soothe and this has been happening since the beginning of time.  I agree that your sticking around him is not helping him get better.  After threatening to walk into traffic you should have walked away and never seen him again.  What a cruel thing for him to do and now he knows all he has to do is threaten to end his life and you will jump through hoops.  BTW, you never answered this question and I'd like to know to:

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't seem prepared to walk away from him. You've outlined the reasons why you won't, essentially. So what advice are you seeking? 

 

[basil67]

For what it's worth, I don't believe that his offer to help his coworkers was about hitting on them.  I actually believe that he was trying to fit in and be helpful.  

That said, even if he wasn't flirting, it doesn't mean that you should stick around for more of his abuse. 

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't believe that his offer to help his coworkers was about hitting on them.  I actually believe that he was trying to fit in and be helpful.  

Are you perhaps jealous over this co-worker (looks like a model) and his attention to her?

[AlphaFemme99]

25 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you perhaps jealous over this co-worker (looks like a model) and his attention to her?

No. I’d prefer that so I can tell him to use someone else to keep him alive. I’d feel less stressed 

 I’m trying to figure out if he’s just a narcissist and using me to keep him happy but I honestly can say he is severely down and I don’t doubt that he can do something to himself. That’s the only reason I’m there for him. 
He was very loving before the major stresses came into his life and I’m wondering whether after his operation and he stops taking meds, he might be back to healthy minded? 
He wants me back and is very confident he will be back to himself but is frustrated he can’t do it sooner. He’s been making some changes with therapy though 

 

 

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

None of this is your problem.  People fall hard for others all the time but there's no guarantee people are going to love you back or stay with you until death.  People move on and those left behind have to find ways to self soothe and this has been happening since the beginning of time.  I agree that your sticking around him is not helping him get better.  After threatening to walk into traffic you should have walked away and never seen him again.  What a cruel thing for him to do and now he knows all he has to do is threaten to end his life and you will jump through hoops.  BTW, you never answered this question and I'd like to know to:

 

He’s asked me to give him another chance. He wanted that sooner but I maintained I can’t see us together anymore. I said if he’s in this new stable job for at least six months and gets his operation done, off the meds, etc maybe things might be different but I can’t promise anything. This was the first time in six months since I left the relationship that I gave him hope and he seemed so relieved and said I’ve given him a reason to live for and he is certain he can do what I asked and he’ll be back to his usual self I first knew and loved. 
 

I guess I’m still not 100% if he’s just [ ]using me for supply until he fixes these problems in his life but then I see him crying his heart out and very seriously in despair and wanting to “end the pain” as he says. He lost a close family member and he can’t come to terms with it and then lost me (the relationship) half a year later and a few other big issues after covid hit him like a brick

should I stay friends a bit longer and wait until some of these things improve so he’s not so down?  He will be moving 6 hrs away for this job and part of the reason he’s freaking out. So this distance will be positive for me .. but he’s looking at flight info to visit me already and fly me up etc

I unfriended him on Facebook yesterday but he can reach me on messenger. He’s been trying to call but I haven’t responded 

Edited March 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed armchair diagnosis

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

He’s asked me to give him another chance.

Are you in love with this guy?

[AlphaFemme99]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Are you in love with this guy?

I used to be. I still care for his well-being but don’t think about the good times before all the major problems entered his life. I’m a realist.

If after stopping the meds he gets back to himself and other things improve, there may be a chance but I’m not counting on it. I’ll believe it when I see it 

it’s a shame as we had the same direction in life and got along so well otherwise. Soulmates.. yet I absolutely wont take someone putting his stresses on me. No excuses. That’s not a healthy relationship or even friendship 

[basil67]

 

5 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

yet I absolutely wont take someone putting his stresses on me. No excuses. That’s not a healthy relationship or even friendship 

I'm so glad you recognise this. 

Question is: why is there a disconnect between theory and practice?  His behaviour is abusive and manipulative and you are taking it.  Not only that, but you're inadvertently stringing him along by not firmly ruling out getting back together again.   While you're doing this, he's continuing to plan having you in his life - hence the flights he's talking about.

Edited March 28, 2022 by basil67

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

I'm so glad you recognise this. 

Question is: why is there a disconnect between theory and practice?  His behaviour is abusive and manipulative and you are taking it.  Not only that, but you're inadvertently stringing him along by not firmly ruling out getting back together again.   While you're doing this, he's continuing to plan having you in his life - hence the flights he's talking about.

I have firmly stated I can’t see us getting back together but just like the times his suicidal attempts stopped me from leaving the relationship, the same thing is happening now during the friendship. I can see how much worse he is and even more serious. I can tell he’s trying really hard to find a reason to stay alive.

I started minimising seeing him to try that way first so made excuses to leave town for longer etc. then tried ending the friendship but he’s begging me due to not wanting to live. So he believes flying to see me etc is the same thing .. he needs my friendship as he’s going to a small town and can’t open up to others like he had to me while we were together and later as well. He can’t talk to his family about it (long story but even I can’t reach out to his mum as she’s a selfish $&@“/ .. his dad who he lost was the complete opposite - an absolute gentleman and sweetheart. So basically I first got the man he says is the “real him” who was like his dad, and lately he’s been like his mum 

I told him to admit he just changed because he fell out of love or whatever but he’s always adamant I’m wrong and won’t accept that we will not get back together. No matter what I say. So basically the problem I face if I cut all ties is him very realistically losing his life. It would be such a shame as I do think he just needs to hold in there and I know his situation and mood will improve. I would be really hurt if I lost him - I won’t lie. I can’t imagine it. I still care for him deeply even though I’ve lost the connection 

Edited March 28, 2022 by AlphaFemme99

[AlphaFemme99]

Update: so I had deleted him on Facebook a day ago to try to give more hints im not going to take his stress attacks even as a friend. Yes the idea of moving far from me and starting a new job has freaked him out and he took more meds than he should have during these few days trial he asked me to go with him for support (he’s meant to start the job in a month)
 

I finally responded to his messages and told him he needs to sort the med issue asap which he says he already did. On phone with the gp and counsellors all day apparently. Crossing fingers mainly for his health and life that this is the main problem .. he’s been told to throw out one of the meds immediately 

 

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

You really need to create a LOT of distance from him.

why did you respond to him? Why continue getting involved with his issues - those are his to resolve. 

he will continue to create more and more drama to keep you involved - so just don’t respond at all.

Only because I can tell lately the suicide potential is very real. It was very possible before and I took him to the physical a couple of times after overdoses but I can see him hanging by a thread. Nobody could act that well and I’ve been doing acting .. I can pick up a difference 

He also admitted today that he finally told some of his long term friends about being suicidal so that’s a huge step forward I think. I don’t feel alone in knowing this apart from his psychologist 

Edited March 28, 2022 by AlphaFemme99

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, it's you who won't let go. Examine that and stop distracting yourself by making his issues your  issues.

You're trying to hide from yourself by finding a mission and project to keep you occupied .

Your refusal to attend to yourself and your own physical and mental health is a disservice to everyone.

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it's you who won't let go. Examine that and stop distracting yourself by making his issues your  issues.

You're trying to hide from yourself by finding a mission and project to keep you occupied .

Your refusal to attend to yourself and your own physical and mental health is a disservice to everyone.

You’ve got it so wrong .. just like a previous post where I was seeking help to get out of the relationship and you posted things that didn’t make sense 

I have a local social group and a new business on the cards .. I have so many friends I’ve lost count. I dont need my ex at all.. If I wanted to, I can get someone new without a blink. I haven’t said it on this forum because it’s not necessary but I’m very popular with men 
 

 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I used to be. I still care for his well-being but don’t think about the good times before all the major problems entered his life. I’m a realist.

If after stopping the meds he gets back to himself and other things improve, there may be a chance but I’m not counting on it. I’ll believe it when I see it 

it’s a shame as we had the same direction in life and got along so well otherwise. Soulmates.. yet I absolutely wont take someone putting his stresses on me. No excuses. That’s not a healthy relationship or even friendship 

If you only "used" to be in love with him which implies you aren't now, why would you tell him if things improve there "might" be a chance?  That isn't fair to him.  If you aren't in love with him get out of his life and let him heal.  You are not helping him but hindering.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

No. I’d prefer that so I can tell him to use someone else to keep him alive. I’d feel less stressed 

You don't have to tell him, get out of his life and he will find someone else to support him.  Let him go.

[NuevoYorko]

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 I said if he’s in this new stable job for at least six months and gets his operation done, off the meds, etc maybe things might be different but I can’t promise anything. This was the first time in six months since I left the relationship that I gave him hope and he seemed so relieved and said I’ve given him a reason to live for and he is certain he can do what I asked and he’ll be back to his usual self I first knew and loved. 
 

 

You've been giving him hope every day, each time that you engage with him.  You are well aware of this.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but clearly it is a choice you make every day, to be available and a full participant in all the drama.  It's important to your sense of self.

If you ever decide to actually break this off, you will not be telling him when / if you are ready to date.  You won't know if his co-workers look like models, or whether he is taking pain meds.  Each of you will be living your own lives and responsible for yourselves.  

Unless you get to a point where you will let go, you and he both will continue to act out all of these sick dramas for the rest of your lives.  

[mark clemson]

22 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I feel like I’m trying to keep him alive until he fixes these few main issues .. once he starts the job, it’ll be easier for example

Fair enough. It's certainly noble to help others, but just keep in mind what and how much you may sacrificing on the altar of his "need" for support. There are those in the world who will soak up everything you have to give if you let them. If you have no intention of ever getting back with him, the primary reward for you may be "virtue is it's own reward" and/or avoiding the guilt of him injuring or killing himself "on your watch". But who exactly is making this "your watch"?

I tend to agree that at some point "keeping him alive" isn't your job anymore - it's for him and/or trained professionals to address.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Fair enough. It's certainly noble to help others, but just keep in mind what and how much you may sacrificing on the altar of his "need" for support. There are those in the world who will soak up everything you have to give if you let them. If you have no intention of ever getting back with him, the primary reward for you may be "virtue is it's own reward" and/or avoiding the guilt of him injuring or killing himself "on your watch". But who exactly is making this "your watch"?

I tend to agree that at some point "keeping him alive" isn't your job anymore - it's for him and/or trained professionals to address.

I’m thinking to continue as a supportive friend up until he starts the new job in a months time and give it max 4 months more. It should be enough for him to be in a better spot and he’ll be living further away so it’ll be a good start.

I’ve been giving him one day per fortnight catch up time these days as I’ve been trying to limit support so he can get more self sufficient and try to rely on others. He reveals to me that I’m keeping him alive and thanks me .. apparently he got taken to hospital twice by others who found him looking unwell

He is making it “my watch”.. he continuously tells me I’m the main reason he wants to try to stay alive because he wakes up each day trying to find a reason not to end it.
Trained professionals .. all sounds good on paper but an hr meet each fortnight is hard when someone is at their last straw, fighting to stay alive.

this is why this is so hard .. it’s not just a minor issue 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2022 by AlphaFemme99