Ex partner won't let go (update - he's threatening to show my pictures)

[mark clemson]

^^ ok, fair enough. Hopefully he'll eventually stop manipulating you with these suicide attempts nearby, etc. His dysfunction, whatever it may be, appears to be very severe unfortunately. Be careful as it seems like he's "capable of" quite a lot, with the self-harm and perhaps other things as well.

Hopefully in future relationships you will be more sensitive to the red flags if they start showing up. Life eventually teaches you to head away from, not towards, red flags and you may one day view this as a major learning experience for you.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

^^ ok, fair enough. Hopefully he'll eventually stop manipulating you with these suicide attempts nearby, etc. His dysfunction, whatever it may be, appears to be very severe unfortunately. Be careful as it seems like he's "capable of" quite a lot, with the self-harm and perhaps other things as well.

Hopefully in future relationships you will be more sensitive to the red flags if they start showing up. Life eventually teaches you to head away from, not towards, red flags and you may one day view this as a major learning experience for you.

I’ve never had a bad experience so it was quite a shock to be honest. The first time I saw a red flag (wasn’t even something that bad but I don’t take any crap) I was about to walk out and his suicide attempts started. These days it’s looking even more possible so yes .. I’ve been stuck 

[mark clemson]

^^ he had you pinned (possibly unconsciously) as someone who he could manipulate this way and so uses your better nature against you. (Of course the alternative of not helping risks him actually going through with it - presumably something you couldn't bear to have happen.)

JMO but when someone is actively contemplating suicide it's time to call the professionals and let them take over. (As noted earlier) it's above your paygrade and even if it wasn't you'd have to recuse yourself due to the relationship. If you'd done this right away IMO you would have carried out your reasonable responsibilities WRT him and might not have gone through this continual "aftermath" business, or presumably a lot less of it.

It's easier said than done for most of us to walk away from someone you care about who's "in need" (or anyone really), but - look where it's gotten you. The continual emotional care-giver, always on the hook whenever he decides he needs to bring you in or decides to actually attempt. Even figuring out how to minimize the impact on your life with him well on his way to being in a far-away city is "work".

Edited March 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[vla1120]

This is an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. I've been in a position where someone threatened suicide if I did not comply to his wishes. I called his therapist and let her know that he kept threatening suicide. I also told him the next time he tried to manipulate me by threatening suicide, I would call 911 and let them take care of it, and I followed through on that (unfortunately, the cop who responded wasn't exactly helpful, but that's another story.)

Does he have other family in the area? If you have any relationship whatsoever with them, I would let them know what is happening. They can pick up "the watch". If you don't set firm boundaries, there will be no end to his manipulation and you've already given him a window of possibility by telling him you'll see what happens after 6 months. I don't see a situation where this is going to improve for you unless you cut all contact and block him. I know it's concerning to you because you are afraid of what he will do to himself, but honestly, it's not your responsibility to keep him alive and it is VERY unfair of him to manipulate you in this manner.

Let me end with this - my husband of 6 years behaved like this and I stayed and dealt with it because he was terminally ill. I cannot express enough the adverse affect it had on me and my life. I was demoted at work and lost 25% of my salary. It drove a wedge between my daughters and me. I lost friends, all because he was manipulative and controlling and would not let me be. In my case, sad as it is to say, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I was there by his side when he passed so he was not alone, so I fulfilled my vows to him. Take this opportunity to get out while you can. Put his problems back on HIM, where they belong. 

Edited March 28, 2022 by vla1120

[basil67]

"Stuck" is where you have no choice in a matter.   But you do have choice - and you can choose to leave.  

Why do you think that someone who's behaviour is extraordinarily manipulative is just going to go back to normal when they have a job and (seemingly easily) get themselves off medication?  I feel like you're living in fantasy land.   I don't want to make light of him being suicidal - it's a very serious matter.   But this constant manipulation and guilt tripping he lays on you should be an absolute deal breaker.  

At any rate, he has now disclosed to people outside of you so you can hand over the baton.   But why hadn't you already told them?  This isn't a garden variety secret you were holding for him, this is a matter of life and death and your choice to not disclose the risk to his life actively reduced his support network.   Is there some part of you which took some or pleasure in being his chosen and so didn't want to have his friends and family help support him. 

Initially, I thought you were doing this because of a messed up combination of caring and being coerced.  But the more you write, the more I believe it is a codependent relationship and you are getting some kind of payback from sticking around.

Edited March 28, 2022 by basil67

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

"Stuck" is where you have no choice in a matter.   But you do have choice - and you can choose to leave.  

Why do you think that someone who's behaviour is extraordinarily manipulative is just going to go back to normal when they have a job and (seemingly easily) get themselves off medication?  I feel like you're living in fantasy land.   I don't want to make light of him being suicidal - it's a very serious matter.   But this constant manipulation and guilt tripping he lays on you should be an absolute deal breaker.  

At any rate, he has now disclosed to people outside of you so you can hand over the baton.   But why hadn't you already told them?  This isn't a garden variety secret you were holding for him, this is a matter of life and death and your choice to not disclose the risk to his life actively reduced his support network.   Is there some part of you which took some or pleasure in being his chosen and so didn't want to have his friends and family help support him. 

Initially, I thought you were doing this because of a messed up combination of caring and being coerced.  But the more you write, the more I believe it is a codependent relationship and you are getting some kind of payback from sticking around.

I did leave the relationship.. almost 6 months ago. I’ve been living at a friends place. The town we moved to after getting engaged is far from his family and support network.

He kept begging me not to tell people about his suicidal attempts and thoughts. I can’t tell his mum as this will make it worse (long story). She only cares about herself. I once tried telling one of his friends of around ten years and he lost it .. told me off and told his friend off that he only cares about getting closer to me rather than caring for his life. 

I have absolutely no pleasure in this .. it’s been stressing me out. I told his psychologist and tried to see him myself but there’s a confidentiality agreement he signed 

I hope he has told his longer term friends and not lied to me  .. do u think I should tell one of them just in case? It’s been eating me up all throughout whether I should or not 

I think that yes it’s possible to stop medication after the operation. He’s still in pain despite taking them .. he’s gotten worse because covid  restrictions kept delaying the surgery. Why do u think it will be impossible? 
 

the commission only job he’s currently in is a stressful sales job he hates so yes, starting on the salary job with his dream career will improve things and we won’t sit around by himself, working from home, lonely and crying every day about losing his close family member and losing our relationship 

[AlphaFemme99]

32 minutes ago, S2B said:

You are doing this to YOURSELF.

stop blaming him. You can exit the relationship when ever you choose to.

please seek professional counseling - your codependency is deep and you need to learn how to have a healthy boundary FOR YOURSELF.

I’m not placing blame. I’m out of the relationship and have boundaries on the friendship .. see him only rarely because he’s grieving badly. He’s not faking it .. the distress is obvious when I do see him. I guess I believe there’s now a light at the tunnel when he starts the new job and it won’t be long until the surgery - two of the biggest stresses in his life will be eased and then I feel he’ll be in a safer spot in life without me 

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

^^ he had you pinned (possibly unconsciously) as someone who he could manipulate this way and so uses your better nature against you. (Of course the alternative of not helping risks him actually going through with it - presumably something you couldn't bear to have happen.)

JMO but when someone is actively contemplating suicide it's time to call the professionals and let them take over. (As noted earlier) it's above your paygrade and even if it wasn't you'd have to recuse yourself due to the relationship. If you'd done this right away IMO you would have carried out your reasonable responsibilities WRT him and might not have gone through this continual "aftermath" business, or presumably a lot less of it.

It's easier said than done for most of us to walk away from someone you care about who's "in need" (or anyone really), but - look where it's gotten you. The continual emotional care-giver, always on the hook whenever he decides he needs to bring you in or decides to actually attempt. Even figuring out how to minimize the impact on your life with him well on his way to being in a far-away city is "work".

I don’t know what you mean by the last part. I actually found the job for him .. it’s an industry where he needs to be further away to begin with so he’ll have a one year contract 

this will be good for him to start to learn to depend less and the job in general will make him happier … 

he did get quite freaked out and stressed when we recently went for his trial to check the place out. Small boring country town where he’s further away from everyone he knows and especially me 

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, vla1120 said:

This is an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. I've been in a position where someone threatened suicide if I did not comply to his wishes. I called his therapist and let her know that he kept threatening suicide. I also told him the next time he tried to manipulate me by threatening suicide, I would call 911 and let them take care of it, and I followed through on that (unfortunately, the cop who responded wasn't exactly helpful, but that's another story.)

Does he have other family in the area? If you have any relationship whatsoever with them, I would let them know what is happening. They can pick up "the watch". If you don't set firm boundaries, there will be no end to his manipulation and you've already given him a window of possibility by telling him you'll see what happens after 6 months. I don't see a situation where this is going to improve for you unless you cut all contact and block him. I know it's concerning to you because you are afraid of what he will do to himself, but honestly, it's not your responsibility to keep him alive and it is VERY unfair of him to manipulate you in this manner.

Let me end with this - my husband of 6 years behaved like this and I stayed and dealt with it because he was terminally ill. I cannot express enough the adverse affect it had on me and my life. I was demoted at work and lost 25% of my salary. It drove a wedge between my daughters and me. I lost friends, all because he was manipulative and controlling and would not let me be. In my case, sad as it is to say, there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I was there by his side when he passed so he was not alone, so I fulfilled my vows to him. Take this opportunity to get out while you can. Put his problems back on HIM, where they belong. 

I’m sorry you went through something similar. 
I had called the police after he told me he’d take a bunch of painkillers and try end his life 3 days after I left the relationship. They went there and saw him incoherent and took him to hospital. Now he doesn’t tell me when he’s about to do something so I don’t call cops. He admitted he’s been taken to the hospital a couple of times since then though. 
i just know he’s capable unfortunately. 
I think I will continue to be a friend for around 6 months as things are improving for him .. really hope he’ll be in a better spot by then and it’ll be more time lapsed since he lost his dad so he’ll probably be grieving slightly less 

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I once tried telling one of his friends of around ten years and he lost it .. told me off and told his friend off that he only cares about getting closer to me rather than caring for his life. 

And you tolerated this?  This is why I feel you're enjoying being a saviour - because for most other people having an ex admit to such blatant manipulation would be an absolute deal breaker.   At the very least you should have slammed him back with "Friend told me what you said. Let's be clear - you are making this my business and I will deal with it in which ever way I see fit. If you don't like my approach, get support elsewhere"

And of course you should tell those around him what's happening.  You should have done it long ago.  If he tells you off again, put him in his place.

31 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I think that yes it’s possible to stop medication after the operation. He’s still in pain despite taking them .. he’s gotten worse because covid  restrictions kept delaying the surgery. Why do u think it will be impossible? 

I've already explained the connection between opiate addiction and mental health.   And besides, plenty of people suffer terrible pain in their lives and don't go using the thread of suicide as a manipulation technique.  

[mark clemson]

24 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I don’t know what you mean by the last part.

I only meant that it seems you are worried and spending time pondering how to detach from him, how many hours to spend dealing with him (1 hour/fortnight), dealing with the emotional hassle of "being his lifeline" etc.

Breaking up shouldn't be this much work, nor should "figuring out how to fully detach" (although clearly this is not a normal break-up).

That was all I meant.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

And you tolerated this?  This is why I feel you're enjoying being a saviour - because for most other people having an ex admit to such blatant manipulation would be an absolute deal breaker.   At the very least you should have slammed him back with "Friend told me what you said. Let's be clear - you are making this my business and I will deal with it in which ever way I see fit. If you don't like my approach, get support elsewhere"

And of course you should tell those around him what's happening.  You should have done it long ago.  If he tells you off again, put him in his place.

I've already explained the connection between opiate addiction and mental health.   And besides, plenty of people suffer terrible pain in their lives and don't go using the thread of suicide as a manipulation technique.  

I don’t enjoy it one bit, trust me you’re a long way off. I’m feeling drained and scared about it all

 The first time I was about to walk out he begged me not to after he took 8 pills in front of me. A family member of his is famous and well respected so he’s always trying keep his problems secret to not break the good name. It’s complex. It was his next of kin and he urged me not to call ambulance. In hindsight I know I should’ve. He started therapy the next day at least 

He didn’t tell me off actually., was more like asking me not to tell others but he blasted his friend and ended the friendship because he took it as an ulterior motive. 
you’re right though .. I should start telling more people for what it’s worth because this is a really serious matter - he’s been looking even closer to going through with it lately. 
 

I didn’t get more suggestions like this when I put up a post last year asking how I can get out of the relationship without him ending his life. 3 days after I left, I called the police when he told me he overdosed and they took him to hospital 

he’s taking the meds due to strong pain. I told him after I saw this thread and the connection that the meds must be causing him to get more depressed and he called his doctor who apparently minimised the dose and got rid of one of the meds. Hopefully that’s true. He’s been going to therapy and doing the best he can but says it’s because he’ll do anything to win me back. He won’t listen when I say I can’t see us getting back together but I do care about his well-being. If it’s keeping him going and the only reason he’s fighting to stay alive, maybe him thinking this way is good until these other stresses are taken care of 

[ExpatInItaly]

And what are you going to do if surgery and starting a new job don't change how emotionally-dependent and manipulative he is with you?

You seem to believe this will mostly evaporate once these two things happen. But I think you also need to recognize this might continue anyway. What is your plan, in that case?

[basil67]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I don’t enjoy it one bit, trust me you’re a long way off. I’m feeling drained and scared about it all

Almost a year ago, you wrote "any time I tried to leave (many times) he threatens to harm himself"   If you truly don't want to be with him, so why do you enable his behaviour by staying?  He is going to keep doing it over and over again to manipulate you because it works so well.  Each time you come to save him, he gets an emotional reward and so he keeps doing it.   Pavlov's Dog.

You're doing more harm than good. 

Quote

 The first time I was about to walk out he begged me not to after he took 8 pills in front of me. A family member of his is famous and well respected so he’s always trying keep his problems secret to not break the good name. It’s complex. It was his next of kin and he urged me not to call ambulance. In hindsight I know I should’ve. He started therapy the next day at least 

Lame excuse about the family member.   He wants to keep it a secret so that he can keep manipulating you.   Besides, there's no reason for this to become public. 

Quote

I should start telling more people for what it’s worth because this is a really serious matter - he’s been looking even closer to going through with it lately. 

Yes, please do tell others.  And please leave them to manage him.  

Quote

he’s taking the meds due to strong pain. I told him after I saw this thread and the connection that the meds must be causing him to get more depressed and he called his doctor who apparently minimised the dose and got rid of one of the meds. Hopefully that’s true. He’s been going to therapy and doing the best he can but says it’s because he’ll do anything to win me back. He won’t listen when I say I can’t see us getting back together but I do care about his well-being. If it’s keeping him going and the only reason he’s fighting to stay alive, maybe him thinking this way is good until these other stresses are taken care of 

There was no mention of meds and strong pain in your first threads about this.  And in 2021, you wrote that he was considering [suicide] last year (2020) .  Has he been in pain and on meds for two years?   Because that's at least how long this behaviour has been happening for. 

In the paragraph above, you say that he's going to therapy and he'll do anything to win you back.   First up, being prepared to do anything to win you back is also known as a suicide attempt.  And he's not in therapy because he wants to go, he's only there to use it as a hook to reel you back in.   

And yes, of course he doesn't listen when you say you can't see the two of you getting back together.   The only way to get that message across to a man like this is to block him on all media.  While you remain in contact, he will think he has a future with you.   If you really him to believe you, you need to walk.

Edited March 29, 2022 by basil67

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what are you going to do if surgery and starting a new job don't change how emotionally-dependent and manipulative he is with you?

You seem to believe this will mostly evaporate once these two things happen. But I think you also need to recognize this might continue anyway. What is your plan, in that case?

If he still remains stressed and can’t get it together after these two things happen, I’ll block all contact. I did what I could to save him and will just need to let him work it out .. and be prepared in case he chooses to end his life. I just think it’s much less likely after these things happen and he tells me his therapist also believes a lot will improve for him after this 

[AlphaFemme99]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Almost a year ago, you wrote "any time I tried to leave (many times) he threatens to harm himself"   If you truly don't want to be with him, so why do you enable his behaviour by staying?  He is going to keep doing it over and over again to manipulate you because it works so well.  Each time you come to save him, he gets an emotional reward and so he keeps doing it.   Pavlov's Dog.

You're doing more harm than good. 

Lame excuse about the family member.   He wants to keep it a secret so that he can keep manipulating you.   Besides, there's no reason for this to become public. 

Yes, please do tell others.  And please leave them to manage him.  

There was no mention of meds and strong pain in your first threads about this.  And in 2021, you wrote that he was considering [suicide] last year (2020) .  Has he been in pain and on meds for two years?   Because that's at least how long this behaviour has been happening for. 

In the paragraph above, you say that he's going to therapy and he'll do anything to win you back.   First up, being prepared to do anything to win you back is also known as a suicide attempt.  And he's not in therapy because he wants to go, he's only there to use it as a hook to reel you back in.   

And yes, of course he doesn't listen when you say you can't see the two of you getting back together.   The only way to get that message across to a man like this is to block him on all media.  While you remain in contact, he will think he has a future with you.   If you really him to believe you, you need to walk.

The therapy is actually helping him a lot and he tells me his doctor and myself are the two people who have kept him alive. He goes once a fortnight now because it’s become really serious and calls him when he’s really low because he’s been given the go ahead to be in touch no matter what time of the night (recently he took out a knife for the first time apparently) 

He already was in a bad place in his life since 2019 but managed to deal with it. Almost got out of his temporary and stressful commission job after being made redundant so it was just a filler job. On interview 2 and 3 early March 2020 about to win a sales manager role and boom - covid hit and heavy restrictions stopped everything. He fell into depression .. a few things went wrong in his family and he was stuck with the job he hated, now working from home. So yes he was depressed and thinking of ending his life for a while but it became worse when his dad died in a shockingly untimely way last year, who he was very close to. Then he lost our relationship half a year later .. 

Hes been on these meds since 2019 and in line to have his operation sept 2020 (postponed because of covid) .. then June 2021 (postponed same reason) .. now he still hasn’t got a date but they expect it will be within half a year. That’s just a short version of what he’s had going on and he can’t seem to deal with it anymore 😞

Edited March 29, 2022 by AlphaFemme99

[basil67]

>>The therapy is actually helping him a lot and he tells me his doctor and myself are the two people who have kept him alive. <<

Ah, another sublime piece of manipulation on his part which you've fallen for.  Hook line and sinker.  "Without you, I cannot live"  

I'm afraid I cannot help you further if you are unwilling to extricate yourself from this situation. 

 

Edited March 29, 2022 by basil67

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I did leave the relationship.. almost 6 months ago. I’ve been living at a friends place.

You moved out. As Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman - that’s just geography. 

Otherwise, you are as deeply involved in all this drama now as you were then - 

Edited March 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

he tells me his therapist...

Whatever he claims the therapist is saying is hearsay, because you are not present to hear it.

It's ok if you can't let go, but honesty with yourself about that is the first step.

[AlphaFemme99]

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Whatever he claims the therapist is saying is hearsay, because you are not present to hear it.

It's ok if you can't let go, but honesty with yourself about that is the first step.

Well I am honest as I know I’d easily break ties if suicide wasn’t in the equation. It’s one thing to write it here and another when I witness how bad he’s hurting. I honestly think he’s serious that’s why it’s hard. 
he doesn’t want to do it but is struggling to find reasons to stay 

I’ve distanced myself and left town for longer periods to help him find other coping mechanisms but when I return he just seems to be slipping further into despair than the last times I saw him 

 

[stillafool]

56 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I honestly think he’s serious that’s why it’s hard. 

Wherever his relatives are they need to be contacted and made aware of his mental condition.  I remember an aunt of mine was in a bad condition and her bf didn't tell our family  that lives in another state than them and the family was fighting mad when she died.  Please let his family know what is going on with him as it's their responsibility to help him since you aren't his spouse or gf.  If something happens to him they will fault you.

[glows]

6 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Well I am honest as I know I’d easily break ties if suicide wasn’t in the equation. It’s one thing to write it here and another when I witness how bad he’s hurting. I honestly think he’s serious that’s why it’s hard. 
he doesn’t want to do it but is struggling to find reasons to stay 

I’ve distanced myself and left town for longer periods to help him find other coping mechanisms but when I return he just seems to be slipping further into despair than the last times I saw him 

Good that you're distancing yourself. Keep doing this and move away from any obligations in the relationship.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Good that you're distancing yourself. Keep doing this and move away from any obligations in the relationship.

Yes I think so. The fact he’ll soon be moving for a job hours away is also really positive. He won’t feel hurt because I won’t see him more often like now when we’ve been in the same town. He’ll be forced to find other coping mechanisms and other people to confide in 

[AlphaFemme99]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Wherever his relatives are they need to be contacted and made aware of his mental condition.  I remember an aunt of mine was in a bad condition and her bf didn't tell our family  that lives in another state than them and the family was fighting mad when she died.  Please let his family know what is going on with him as it's their responsibility to help him since you aren't his spouse or gf.  If something happens to him they will fault you.

I don’t have contact details of his sibling and he’s not on fb. His mum used to make excuses not to have us visit and yet pretends to be lovely and to like me, even now. I can’t confide in her. It’s complex .. I honestly don’t think she can help as she’s a narcissist 

I have contacted a cousin of his and a long term friend last night, for what it’s worth. Any help it might do will be worth it 

 

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I have contacted a cousin of his and a long term friend last night, for what it’s worth. Any help it might do will be worth it 

Did you tell his cousin to contact his mom?  Whether she's a narcissist or not she needs to be made aware of his suicidal threats and so does his siblings.  It's also not about you confiding in her, you just have to tell her what you know and whether she accepts it or not is on her but you will have done your part.  Then she and his siblings can decide what to do going forward.