Ex partner won't let go (update - he's threatening to show my pictures)

[AlphaFemme99]

50 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Did you tell his cousin to contact his mom?  Whether she's a narcissist or not she needs to be made aware of his suicidal threats and so does his siblings.  It's also not about you confiding in her, you just have to tell her what you know and whether she accepts it or not is on her but you will have done your part.  Then she and his siblings can decide what to do going forward.

I remember messaging her early 2020 when covid hit and he first started getting really depressed and talking suicide. She messaged me back asking if I said anything to his aunt that I know and I said no so she asked me not to. Then she asked me to delete our messages. She’s since made him stop talking to this aunt through other reasons 
That’s what I’m dealing with - a woman more interested in preserving the family reputation than her son’s life. This was while his dad was alive ..

I’ll get his siblings details  from the cousin I messaged. We’ll speak on the phone today 

 

[glows]

Did you get a chance to speak with the siblings? The sooner you’re able to the more you can keep focusing on your own life and keep your distance.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 I have contacted a cousin of his and a long term friend last night, for what it’s worth. Any help it might do will be worth it

You do not need to contact his family. There are mental health hotlines, EMS doctors and other resources. He also can contact them if he wants. Stop injecting yourself this much as a resucuer. Contacting his family is more over the top lack of boundaries on your part.

No one is debating whether he has orthopedic pain. What you seem to hope to ignore is that opioids are strictly regulated for precisely the reason that they create physical dependence and have extremely high abuse potential. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You do not need to contact his family. There are mental health hotlines, EMS doctors and other resources. He also can contact them if he wants. Stop injecting yourself this much as a resucuer. Contacting his family is more over the top lack of boundaries on your part.

I disagree Wise, if he's threatening suicide and won't get help on his own, OP should remove herself as his support and tell his family.   I would hate to think a family member of mine was threatening suicide and people knew but didn't tell me so I could help them.

[glows]

Once you inform them be done with it and no more. Don’t keep staying involved when it’s no longer your issue or business to be involved. Let go.

[hopper90]

Some of this sound like my ex. Not too the same degree due to your ex's issues but she couldn't set and stick to clear boundaries. Turned out she was still emotionally co dependent. Be prepared to be hurt if he gets past these issues and moves on and cuts ties with you.

On 3/29/2022 at 12:42 PM, S2B said:

No you didn’t. You are very much still invested.

when YOU remove YOURSELF from the situation is when you leave the relationship.

You can’t change him - you can only change the way you participate.

so step away completely and let him handle his own issues. You can’t do it FOR him.

So true

[Lisa]

This thread has had a clean up with all assumptions about the ex being addicted to pain meds removed.  It is both off topic and members do not have the qualifications to give advice for this person's particular needs.   

 

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, Lisa said:

This thread has had a clean up with all assumptions about the ex being addicted to pain meds removed.  It is both off topic and members do not have the qualifications to give advice for this person's particular needs.   

 

Thank you 

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, hopper90 said:

Some of this sound like my ex. Not too the same degree due to your ex's issues but she couldn't set and stick to clear boundaries. Turned out she was still emotionally co dependent. Be prepared to be hurt if he gets past these issues and moves on and cuts ties with you.

So true

You mean you kept her hanging because you wanted to but when you felt better, left her? 
I’ve left the relationship so not sure how he’ll leave me lol .. u mean stop being friends? 
if I get that impression then I’ll cut him off completely. I’m just there for him because I honestly don’t think he’s faking - never seen better acting and he’s not in the industry.

Why would he have proposed within 6 months? I know he was practically obsessed in the first 6 months or so but started changing after depression hit. Is determined to have me back and his cousin told me he confided he loves me. I just can’t see it happening - he really needs to improve a bunch of these issues that came up outside his control 
 

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 Is determined to have me back and his cousin told me he confided he loves me. I just can’t see it happening - he really needs to improve a bunch of these issues that came up outside his control 
 

AlphaFemme99, the one person whose needs are getting swept under the carpet in all of this is you. Are you getting counselling and support from a licensed professional?

Please get yourself into therapy if you haven't already done so. You need the kind of guidance and support that you're not going to get here. Can you do that or are you already doing it? Sorry, I can't remember from the earlier posts.

[stillafool]

17 hours ago, hopper90 said:

Some of this sound like my ex. Not too the same degree due to your ex's issues but she couldn't set and stick to clear boundaries. Turned out she was still emotionally co dependent. Be prepared to be hurt if he gets past these issues and moves on and cuts ties with you.

So true

I've seen this too.  People who stand by to help others going through a hard time but then when healed they have nothing to do with the helper again.  Move on to a new life forgetting the condition they were in and not making their new partner aware of their past mental state.  OP doesn't have to worry about that because she is only helping him as his friend and has no desire to be with him again.  This is another reason to let his family handle him so you can move on with your life OP.

[AlphaFemme99]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

I've seen this too.  People who stand by to help others going through a hard time but then when healed they have nothing to do with the helper again.  Move on to a new life forgetting the condition they were in and not making their new partner aware of their past mental state.  OP doesn't have to worry about that because she is only helping him as his friend and has no desire to be with him again.  This is another reason to let his family handle him so you can move on with your life OP.

You’re right. I’m a realist. He thinks after his operation and starting the new job etc, stopping the meds will help him get back to the man I used to love and that I’ll take him back. I’m not as sure because despite the fact he’s finally getting counselling over a year as he never needed coping mechanisms before - life used to be much easier for him. I have been in touch with some people he’s close to upon this groups suggestions so I hope that helps him. I do admit it would hurt me really badly if he ended his life .. I think he can get better especially after his surgery and would be such a waste. He’s got a lot to look forward to if he hangs on but apparently getting back with me is the only thing he’s clinging on for 

[AlphaFemme99]

10 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

AlphaFemme99, the one person whose needs are getting swept under the carpet in all of this is you. Are you getting counselling and support from a licensed professional?

Please get yourself into therapy if you haven't already done so. You need the kind of guidance and support that you're not going to get here. Can you do that or are you already doing it? Sorry, I can't remember from the earlier posts.

I am seeing someone and this is the only thing we’ve been discussing .. first the relationship, now the friendship. She knows how hard this is for me and the situation of feeling if I cut ties completely and he ends his life, I’ll have a really difficult time over that. 
they’re not allowed to give advice though .. some suggestions but not much.

she’s happy with how I’m making excuses to leave town and see him less than he wants me to as it’s less of a rejection of I’m away. Also happy with the fact he got a job further away as it’ll be good for both of us 

[stillafool]

On 3/30/2022 at 9:37 AM, glows said:

Once you inform them be done with it and no more. Don’t keep staying involved when it’s no longer your issue or business to be involved. Let go.

OP what about doing the RIGHT thing which is to let his relatives know about his threats of suicide?  You should feel guilty if he does commit suicide and you didn't let them know. It really isn't your business since you aren't his live in partner nor his wife.  If his relatives assess his condition and decide what help he needs and he gets better, then he can contact you down the road and you can decide at that time if he's healed enough to be in a relationship with you.  In the meantime you need to bough out of it.

Edited April 1, 2022 by stillafool

[AlphaFemme99]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

OP what about doing the RIGHT thing which is to let his relatives know about his threats of suicide?  You should feel guilty if he does commit suicide and you didn't let them know. It really isn't your business since you aren't his live in partner nor his wife.  If his relatives assess his condition and decide what help he needs and he gets better, then he can contact you down the road and you can decide at that time if he's healed enough to be in a relationship with you.  In the meantime you need to bough out of it.

It sounds so easy on paper but his relatives are in a bad spot too. His brother tried saving his dads life .. he’s messed up as well and I don’t have his contact details. 
His mum has been clearly trying to mess up our relationship since she met me.. he started acting slightly differently after her inputs and I’ve literally seen messages she sent while he had his phone up on the screen using gps “she doesn’t love you . She wants a millionaire “ etc. so much poison in his ears constantly from her. I mentioned earlier in the thread that I confided in her when his depression badly hit early 2020 and the suicide talk but she just told me to not tell people and delete the message 

[AlphaFemme99]

Just now, AlphaFemme99 said:

It sounds so easy on paper but his relatives are in a bad spot too. His brother tried saving his dads life .. he’s messed up as well and I don’t have his contact details. 
His mum has been clearly trying to mess up our relationship since she met me.. he started acting slightly differently after her inputs and I’ve literally seen messages she sent while he had his phone up on the screen using gps “she doesn’t love you . She wants a millionaire “ etc. so much poison in his ears constantly from her. I mentioned earlier in the thread that I confided in her when his depression badly hit early 2020 and the suicide talk but she just told me to not tell people and delete the message 

I’ll add she won’t like anyone in her son’s lives. She’s a narcissist who used her famous husband to feel important and no other woman will be welcome in the family 

[glows]

10 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

It sounds so easy on paper but his relatives are in a bad spot too. His brother tried saving his dads life .. he’s messed up as well and I don’t have his contact details. 
His mum has been clearly trying to mess up our relationship since she met me.. he started acting slightly differently after her inputs and I’ve literally seen messages she sent while he had his phone up on the screen using gps “she doesn’t love you . She wants a millionaire “ etc. so much poison in his ears constantly from her. I mentioned earlier in the thread that I confided in her when his depression badly hit early 2020 and the suicide talk but she just told me to not tell people and delete the message 

That’s sad. Just extricate yourself and get out then. Don’t involve yourself any further. 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

His mum has been clearly trying to mess up our relationship since she met me..

Sorry about that but at this point it isn't about you and him.  You aren't his gf anymore.  It's about his constant threats of suicide and their right to know.

 

13 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I’ll add she won’t like anyone in her son’s lives. She’s a narcissist who used her famous husband to feel important and no other woman will be welcome in the family 

Good, then you can turn this over to them and get out of his life until he heals and shows you proof of that.  It doesn't matter what you think of his mother or her past, she's his mom and should decide the right course to take.

[AlphaFemme99]

On 4/2/2022 at 2:26 AM, stillafool said:

Sorry about that but at this point it isn't about you and him.  You aren't his gf anymore.  It's about his constant threats of suicide and their right to know.

 

Good, then you can turn this over to them and get out of his life until he heals and shows you proof of that.  It doesn't matter what you think of his mother or her past, she's his mom and should decide the right course to take.

He’s been seeming a bit better now that he got past the freak out of starting the new job and moving. If he gets back to the threats I will let more people in his life know. Yes, even his mum.

this forum has helped me. Thanks to all of you who have been part of it 

[stillafool]

31 minutes ago, S2B said:

Good. So stop communicating with him altogether! 
he needs to learn to handle his own stress and making it your responsibility. He needs to stop acting like a 5 year old who needs mommy to handle stuff for him.

allow him room to grow up!

I have to agree you have become more of a mother to him than a love interest.  You should let his real Mom take over.

Edited April 6, 2022 by stillafool

[AlphaFemme99]

On 4/7/2022 at 1:48 AM, S2B said:

Good. So stop communicating with him altogether! 
he needs to learn to handle his own stress and making it your responsibility. He needs to stop acting like a 5 year old who needs mommy to handle stuff for him.

allow him room to grow up!

I made a major leap of faith in the last few days he was begging to see me because he wasn’t well I told him he needed to call emergency. 

today I finally agreed to go but only because I need to organise with him by what day I should move the rest of my stuff out of the unit we used to share before he moves to the new area. (We had this spare storage there we never used otherwise) 

He was crying when I got there and really distressed and asked me to go with him to the new town for the first month at least as he’s struggling to go and be hours away from me. He kept saying he’ll pull out of going over the past two weeks

I firmly said no and explained how I can’t even see him during these few weeks he is still in town. He needs to pick himself up and do the one big thing that’ll get him out of the rut. He said his doc also told him the only chance u have to get this girl back is going and doing the job u love and focussing on your health etc 

I refused to help him organise the move, sell some of the furniture or basically anything else that would mean I’m close by or helping him.

I agreed to one thing and that’s to see him for a friendly dinner to say goodbye but only after he picks himself up and completes the moving arrangements  

Said I can’t even visit him during the year he’s away  (as he wanted to fly me up) or have him on my socials. He just needs to focus on himself and moving forward positively, and reach out to other friends or family from here.

basically listed how I spent 2 years saving his life and now I’m putting myself first. I don’t want him to harm himself but can’t be the one who saves him anymore etc 

 

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I made a major leap of faith in the last few days he was begging to see me because he wasn’t well I told him he needed to call emergency. 

today I finally agreed to go but only because I need to organise with him by what day I should move the rest of my stuff out of the unit we used to share before he moves to the new area. (We had this spare storage there we never used otherwise) 

He was crying when I got there and really distressed and asked me to go with him to the new town for the first month at least as he’s struggling to go and be hours away from me. He kept saying he’ll pull out of going over the past two weeks

I firmly said no and explained how I can’t even see him during these few weeks he is still in town. He needs to pick himself up and do the one big thing that’ll get him out of the rut. He said his doc also told him the only chance u have to get this girl back is going and doing the job u love and focussing on your health etc 

I refused to help him organise the move, sell some of the furniture or basically anything else that would mean I’m close by or helping him.

I agreed to one thing and that’s to see him for a friendly dinner to say goodbye but only after he picks himself up and completes the moving arrangements  

Said I can’t even visit him during the year he’s away  (as he wanted to fly me up) or have him on my socials. He just needs to focus on himself and moving forward positively, and reach out to other friends or family from here.

basically listed how I spent 2 years saving his life and now I’m putting myself first. I don’t want him to harm himself but can’t be the one who saves him anymore etc 

 

 

That's very good. Don't falter and stay calm. Move forwards and stay focused on your own things going on, less on him.

[AlphaFemme99]

6 hours ago, glows said:

That's very good. Don't falter and stay calm. Move forwards and stay focused on your own things going on, less on him.

Yeah I won’t. He just needs to find another support system and if anything happens, it’ll be unfortunate but I spent 2 years helping and I think it’s enough. 
I somehow have managed to have a thriving social life all this time but have been distracted in my new business direction etc due to all this going on. Time to move forward

[basil67]

@AlphaFemme99 thank you so much for the update.  I'm so proud of you for making the step to get away from this situation.  

[AlphaFemme99]

26 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@AlphaFemme99 thank you so much for the update.  I'm so proud of you for making the step to get away from this situation.  

Thanks to you guys for helping me feel less guilty and seeing a variety of perspectives