Ex partner won't let go (update - he's threatening to show my pictures)

[glows]

14 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Yeah I won’t. He just needs to find another support system and if anything happens, it’ll be unfortunate but I spent 2 years helping and I think it’s enough. 
I somehow have managed to have a thriving social life all this time but have been distracted in my new business direction etc due to all this going on. Time to move forward 🙂

Wonderful! Yes, keep going. Do your thing.

[AlphaFemme99]

7 hours ago, S2B said:

It’s disrespectful of him to expect you to handle all his stuff (concerns) as well as your own stuff!

no one should have to handle two people’s crap! 
 

that alone should show you the imbalance in this unhealthy union.

HE handles his own - YOU handle yours!

Otherwise you will surely sink trying to do way too much!

True. I’ve seen other people with severe depression as well though and they don’t realise they’re doing it at times… just hanging onto a life raft to try stay alive. 
Either way, I have had to minimise contact even more. Literally just enough where he can have hope to keep going on but far less than once a fortnight, which I had been doing (and allowing semi regular texts, which now will be reduced drastically) 

Ive made him aware I’ll block him completely if he tries any guilt trips on me 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/11/2022 at 9:29 AM, AlphaFemme99 said:

 what day I should move the rest of my stuff out of the unit we used to share before he moves to the new area. 

Focus on getting your things out asap. They're your things so you decide when and how to get them out of there.

[AlphaFemme99]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Focus on getting your things out asap. They're your things so you decide when and how to get them out of there.

Yeah that’s not an issue. I needed to see when he had to vacate the unit and check how much I’ve got there etc to take so I could decide when I have time to move them out. He’s not holding them from me or rushing me 

[glows]

46 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Yeah that’s not an issue. I needed to see when he had to vacate the unit and check how much I’ve got there etc to take so I could decide when I have time to move them out. He’s not holding them from me or rushing me 

The sooner the better. 

[AlphaFemme99]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Send a mover to pack and pick up your things.

you really need to cut the cord.

 

I’ve been really busy and out of town etc but am able to in around 5 days time when my friend returns from out of town and we can organise my stuff in her garage. He knows Im not keeping it there to stay close.. he needs to move house soon anyway 

[glows]

38 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I’ve been really busy and out of town etc but am able to in around 5 days time when my friend returns from out of town and we can organise my stuff in her garage. He knows Im not keeping it there to stay close.. he needs to move house soon anyway 

That's wonderful. I hope you're able to take your things soon within the week and put this behind you.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

 my friend returns from out of town and we can organise my stuff in her garage. 

Do you have a place to live? Do you have enough money for rent a storage unit etc?  Once you have your things in your new home and he's moved on, you may be able to let go and start feeling better.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have a place to live? Do you have enough money for rent a storage unit etc?  Once you have your things in your new home and he's moved on, you may be able to let go and start feeling better.

Yeah I’ve been living elsewhere for over half a year since I left the relationship lol 

[AlphaFemme99]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

You never left that relationship. He’s always reeled you back in with his drama… that way you have been forced to handle his problems AND yours.

maybe now you can only focus on you. HIS issues are for HIM to handle.

So you actually just ended it - like last week. 

Yes out of compassion ive been seeing him due to the suicidal tendencies. He was in hospital 3 times since I left 

I’d been seeing him once a fortnight as he was grieving the loss of his father who he was close to, as well as losing the relationship 6 months later (apparently I’m the love of his life). Seemed like that before covid and the heavy stresses hit him. Anyhow I made it firm I’d left and it’s over but yes he still has hopes. Even now he has hopes he’ll fix everything with this new job etc and within a year be back to himself 

I told him I won’t be seeing him before he goes either apart from one goodbye dinner after he’s packed and ready to go. (As he was considering giving up and not going)
still, I’m getting messages he would like to see me as much as possible .. he doesn’t want to leave without me .. he loves me so much etc etc 

I’ve been ignoring messages but will just text I’ve set clear boundaries that I won’t meet with you before you go apart from one goodbye catch up

 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

Even now he has hopes he’ll fix everything with this new job etc and within a year be back to himself 

If I recall correctly, you hadn't completely ruled this out for the future.   Is getting back together with him something you'd consider now?

[AlphaFemme99]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If I recall correctly, you hadn't completely ruled this out for the future.   Is getting back together with him something you'd consider now?

No I ruled it out. He just still has this fantasy. Tells me he’ll spend the rest of his life trying 

Edited April 15, 2022 by AlphaFemme99

[AlphaFemme99]

3 hours ago, S2B said:

He’s still completely disrespecting you.

if I were you I would never agree to have any dinner with him. It’s not going to go well.

 

He’s always been determined with everything he wants and he got the first job he applied for (in a competitive field)

There’s a fine line between Alpha and narcissist though. I’ll see how he goes until the dinner in a week’s time. If he pisses me off after I texted him to remind of the boundaries I asked for recently, then I won’t go. 
he leaves a couple of days after the dinner and will be 6 hrs away. I think things will be ok from here on  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

. 

he leaves a couple of days after the dinner and will be 6 hrs away. 

Hopefully this will help you let him go and move forward with your life. All you can do is take care of yourself and your physical and mental health and reflect on why you got into a dynamic like this.

[AlphaFemme99]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hopefully this will help you let him go and move forward with your life. All you can do is take care of yourself and your physical and mental health and reflect on why you got into a dynamic like this.

Things were really good at the start. It’s when the post covid stresses began and a lot went south for him that he showed he hadn’t learned coping mechanisms. Ah well he’s been getting help since 

for me it lasted longer only because suicide was in the picture .. would’ve  left the first time I saw a red flag and we also had heavy restrictions during these times 

I have had only positive relationships before this so it was a shock tbh 

 

 

[AlphaFemme99]

On 4/15/2022 at 10:43 AM, S2B said:

He’s still completely disrespecting you.

if I were you I would never agree to have any dinner with him. It’s not going to go well.

 

You’re right. I’m definitely reconsidering. I was there yesterday to sort through all my stuff in storage - piles of what I’ll donate, throw and keep. 

He kept trying to talk about the relationship and show pics of the good times and I said I was there to finish a job. He didn’t like that I wasn’t listening to him. I went that afternoon as he had to leave for a job and when he left he said “I’m going to kill whichever guy I see you dating” .. he thinks it’s manly and cool to claim his “territory” with rubbish like that 

I tested him and asked if he could fold the tarp I was going to donate (that he had used to cover his couch during the time my family gave him free storage under our carport) .. he whinged that I put it in the lounge room because it’s dirty .  And he’s busy .. and then he said he’ll do it outside. I found it outside later unfolded 

So basically the man has plenty of time to offer help to the girls he’ll be working with when he moves (unprompted) and whinging to do a simple task for me. And thinks we have a chance to get back together despite my clear No 🙄

He’s upset at me for not wanting to see him more often before he leaves so clearly is not properly registering on why I left to begin with.

I can’t distinguish if it’s simply the acts of someone who’s lost interest and clinging on because I helped him out with a lot in his tough times or it’s a classic narc (as the signs are all there when I read the behaviours) 

 

[AlphaFemme99]

Ok so I’ve posted here before and got great help from you guys. My ex fiancé kept me around much longer than I wanted to by suicide threats, which I only took seriously because he was taken to hospital a few times 

I left him 8 months ago and he’s been trying everything to get back together but also getting mad at me because I wasn’t cooperating. It got to the point of stalking at my friends house where I now live and looking for me at my fave beaches etc.. 

A few of you told me it’s a Narc and one in particular that I thank so much Mark Clemson told me to read about Narcissistic Hoovering.

I then responded to him at the bare minimum no matter how much I was worried about his life and the amount of messages and pleas to see me increased. Next ensued insults thrown my way. I still ignored.

I first blocked him on fb and messenger and just yesterday I blocked him on normal messages after not responding to a whole heap of his latest texts. He tried calling me on a private number a few times and I didn’t answer.

This morning I got an email.. the smear campaign is on it seems. 
Just as I had worried about .. he put a video and pic I had shared only with him on there. U can see my face on the pic but i can always say it’s a lookalike. He also found a message from 2015  🙄 where I’m asking a guy whether he had [sex with] me and he said no .. (I’d been spiked at a club but a friend looked after me and didn’t take advantage. That message doesn’t show my name tho). My ex wrote I can’t believe I fell for a girl like u. I know u cheated on me many times etc (even tho he looked into my phone whenever I got drunk and I didn’t even flirt back with anyone) 

I don’t think he’ll share the pics and vids I shared with him but what do u guys think I should do? I’m definitely not going to unblock him. 
Is what I wrote above relatively normal behaviour for men who have been dumped and feel rejected or is it just the behaviour only narcissists display? 🤔 

 

 

Edited May 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

Just now, AlphaFemme99 said:

he put a video and pic I had shared only with him on there. I don’t think he’ll share the pics and vids I shared with him but what do u guys think I should do? I’m definitely not going to unblock him. 

More abusive tactics. You need to delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He's bad news. Report him to FB and get a cease and desist order. Try not to keep getting drawn into manipulative tactics.

[AlphaFemme99]

It’s not just fb. He’s from a well known family and I’m well respected in my industry so we have so many mutual friends in real life. It’s a small circle, the entertainment industry 

I’ve written an email to his therapist recently about the stalking and whether I should be worried about my life and to report him etc

Maybe a good idea to write about this to his therapist too? 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I’ve written an email to his therapist recently about the stalking and whether I should be worried about my life and to report him etc

Stop trying to fix him. "Stalking" is a law enforcement issue. Posting your pics is nasty but so what? Why react?

It's inappropriate and ineffective to contact his healthcare people. In fact that could be construed as You doing the stalking because of it's inappropriateness.

[stillafool]

I agree with Wiseman, at this point he is threatening you so you have no choice but to go to law enforcement.  This guy is suicidal and could do or cause major harm to you.  I don't know what his being from a well known family has to do with it as they have crazies in their families too.

Edited May 3, 2022 by stillafool

[basil67]

Is he actually threatening you with sharing pictures at this point?  Or is he trying to get under your skin?   My guess is that law enforcement can't do anything unless there's actual threats.   And no, this is not the normal behaviour of a guy who's been broken up with.  However, manipulative behaviour is not limited to those who are narcissistic.  

While it may make you feel better to be emailing his therapist, you're still too involved in that area.   At this point, simply block him, start recording any incidents in a diary and report to authorities when you're at a point where they can act.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

I don’t think he’ll share the pics and vids I shared with him but what do u guys think I should do?

I would file charges if/when he shares them. 

1 hour ago, AlphaFemme99 said:

My ex fiancé kept me around much longer than I wanted

Kindly, he didn’t keep you around as much as you made the decision to stay involved over some misguided sense of obligation and codependency. 

You have a problem with boundaries - it took you a long time to get to the point of blocking him. Don’t go back now - ignore and file charges if he breaks the law. 

[stillafool]

51 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Kindly, he didn’t keep you around as much as you made the decision to stay involved over some misguided sense of obligation and codependency. 

I agree OP and if you left him 8 months ago you should be so removed from his life by now you'd have no idea or care what is going on in his life.

[AlphaFemme99]

How is contacting his therapist stalking when it involved me being worried about my life and asking his opinion whether he thought I should contact authorities? 🤔 

I thought it was good for his therapist to know so that in case I’m in danger, it would point to my ex before anything happens 

I never have a problem with boundaries… it’s one of my strengths. It was the one thing that I was scared about due to not wanting him to end his life. The one time I made a mistake I suppose but if he ends it, I know I at least tried everything

i plan to keep him blocked. I still have a lot of mutual friends.. it’s going to be really odd deleting everyone but I guess they can delete me if they want. Because of his family’s name, it’ll be a very large audience who would hear badly about me as his mother is the ultimate narcissist that he is mirroring and has been in his ear all along. The only time anything went wrong in our relationship was shortly after I met her 

He just wrote in the email: since u love attention I’m sure all the men would love to see this:  (and then put the attachments)

I’ve got pics of him naked too but I won’t write back to the email to let him know that. He’s trying to get a response from me and it won’t happen