We left Ukraine she isn't happy and I feel like it's making us break up

[jerrygordon3]

I'm an American. Dating a Ukrainian. We fled. Since then she's been rightfully stressed but everyday fights with me saying I'm not emotional enough. It's constant. I've been the sole provider for everything even before we left Ukraine. I spent 4k last month relocating us to a beautiful island in Cambodia. But I feel like she's a boulder on a hill and I can't keep staging under it. Today we broke up. She's constantly threatening to leave and acts like I'm some unloving man. Yes it's gotten stale but 2 weeks ago when these accusation and conversations started I had no idea what she was talking about. I do love her. But I'm tired and also want to break up now. She has friends who can help her out but I worry because where will she go? How will she survive. But she's unappreciative of how hard I've tried to be a rock for her and support her financially. You should know before this happening in the beginning of the relationship she would throw these... sort of like princessy fits and make me fight my ass off to keep the relationship going. Since then she's been really good to me, we lived together and I actually enjoyed our life together. But as I write this I'm done with her. She's unhappy and projects it on me not being loving enough but it's just not in my mind right now. I'm worried about where we are going to stay next. How we will get there. Trying to work extra to support us. I'm not wealthy. And she still stares at the wall while we had sex this morning and just seems completely despondent.  I haven't encountered this. I'm honestly grossed out by her behavior. It's a massive turn off. But I worry about her safety.

[basil67]

I'm sorry it's ended like this.  However if she wants to leave, then the question of where she goes becomes her problem.  All you have to do is worry about keeping yourself safe.  

May I ask how the two of you ended up having sex while she was being so disengaged from the act?  It's like she's seeing it as a chore or service to be delivered to you.  There's something very wrong happening there. 

[BrinnM]

Well, no. 1: I’m glad you made it out of there safely. Did she leave family behind? If so, don’t be surprised if her head is not 100% in the relationship. Her country’s being attacked, and if the shelling and the bombing continues, there won’t be much left, and if she has parents there, or siblings, well, that’s probably her main concern at the moment. I don’t even understand how sex is currently on the table at all. 
No. 2: It’s nice of you that you’re worried about her safety, but if she leaves Cambodia, she’ll probably go to a safe country, not back to Ukraine. If you want to be supportive, make sure she’s in touch with family, and maybe arrangements can be made for them to meet at one of these refugee camps in Poland somewhere. They will be safe there.

These are very stressful circumstances. But if you guys are done with the relationship, at least make sure she gets somewhere safe. 
 

[jerrygordon3]

22 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry it's ended like this.  However if she wants to leave, then the question of where she goes becomes her problem.  All you have to do is worry about keeping yourself safe.  

May I ask how the two of you ended up having sex while she was being so disengaged from the act?  It's like she's seeing it as a chore or service to be delivered to you.  There's something very wrong happening there. 

She's extremely sexual and we've had tons of sex since we left. She usually initiates it. Just yesterday morning she was not into it at all. But we had sex like 4 times the day before. I can't keep up, but we talked about it and both want to break up. It's just gotten distant and I'm too tired to navigate this crazy emotional disconnection anymore. She says I've become cold. And I honestly have. And I asked her for time because I feel we are just going through a rough patch and maybe take a break and stay at separate hotels for a week but she is adamant about leaving. It's cordial still but.. idk just sad. Idk what happened 

[Agentra]

This post is just weird to me. Whether she left people behind or not (which she most likely did), her home is under fire and being demolished as we speak. This isn't a "princessy fit" or a temper tantrum. I would be destroyed if I were her. 

If you cannot comprehend that and choose to leave her alone in this, stay cold like she said, fine. Leave her be with people who will support her and move on WITH her. But right now is not the time to point fingers or complain about sex. I am glad you got her out, but to act like "I spent 4K, where is my reward" is very blind of you. Your partner is grieving. Of course she is unhappy.

Edited March 28, 2022 by Agentra

[Wiseman2]

On 3/26/2022 at 11:56 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

I'm honestly grossed out by her behavior. But I worry about her safety.

What's in Cambodia? Do either of you have jobs, know people, have connections, speak the language or have a reason to be there? How is she supposed to get to a safe place now that she's stuck there?

[BrinnM]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is she supposed to get to a safe place now that she's stuck there?

Cambodia is pretty safe for travelers, and a popular destination for all kinds of visitors. It’s definitely safer than Ukraine. It does not sound like they’re “stuck” there, they just went there, and can leave anytime. OP seems to be a world traveler who’s retired or something. Maybe he doesn’t need a job. 
 

If the relationship is indeed over, though, she may want to go back to Europe and find her family. 

Edited March 28, 2022 by BrinnM

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

. OP seems to be a world traveler who’s retired or something. 

My question was specifically for the OP, as to why they are there and how she can get out.  That seems to be the dilemma for both of them now.

Does your GF have the funds to leave or a place to go? 

Edited March 28, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

On 3/26/2022 at 11:56 PM, jerrygordon3 said:

I spent 4k last month relocating us to a beautiful island in Cambodia.  I'm worried about where we are going to stay next. How we will get there. 

Why are you planning your next move already? If you broke up because of fighting, etc. why is it "we"?

[BrinnM]

Well, if the relationship has always been like that (her having no job, leeching off of you, being “princessy”, you paying bills,  her spending money, etc.), it’s certainly not gonna get better under these dire circumstances. It seems to be your general relationship pattern with her. Close/distant. Up/down. Good/bad. Blackmail. Pressure.
The ups and downs will only be more intense when there’s additional stress, which is currently the case. Did she leave anybody behind? Family? And I’m also wondering if she agreed to Cambodia, or if you decided where to move to unilaterally (since you’re the one paying, ya know…) ….. she may have been more comfy staying in Europe somewhere, in order to be closer to her home country …… (but obviously, that would’ve been more pricey) 
 

50 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

She is my responsibility. 

Nope. I disagree. And if she wants to leave Cambodia, then let her leave a beautiful place. She’s an adult. She is also a war refugee and will be helped everywhere in Europe (thankfully) - she just needs to get there. 

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2022 by BrinnM

[basil67]

You've previously written about her refusing to leave.  That she'd rather 'die a hero' than leave.   This begs the question, did she approach you and ask to get her out?  Or did you have to coerce her to leave?   Of course I realise you have her best interest at heart, but if she didn't actively make the decision to go, then she's likely to be holding resentment towards you.   

It really sounds like she didn't want to be saved.

Edited March 29, 2022 by basil67

[jerrygordon3]

On 3/28/2022 at 11:36 PM, BrinnM said:

Well, if the relationship has always been like that (her having no job, leeching off of you, being “princessy”, you paying bills,  her spending money, etc.), it’s certainly not gonna get better under these dire circumstances. It seems to be your general relationship pattern with her. Close/distant. Up/down. Good/bad. Blackmail. Pressure.
The ups and downs will only be more intense when there’s additional stress, which is currently the case. Did she leave anybody behind? Family? And I’m also wondering if she agreed to Cambodia, or if you decided where to move to unilaterally (since you’re the one paying, ya know…) ….. she may have been more comfy staying in Europe somewhere, in order to be closer to her home country …… (but obviously, that would’ve been more pricey) 
 

Nope. I disagree. And if she wants to leave Cambodia, then let her leave a beautiful place. She’s an adult. She is also a war refugee and will be helped everywhere in Europe (thankfully) - she just needs to get there. 

 

 

 

I'm far from perfect. I think the way she treated me before was unwarranted. She was abusive. it's true. We moved in together, and during transit out the country she was a perfect little wifey. I mean Ukrainians are into the gender roles and she did act the part. we both did and we both got along and made amazing memories. sadly once war started something happened. I did hit a wall and quit the relationship about 1 week ago. but she said its because I have given her no love or affection and that I seem cold af. and honestly shes right. It makes me think about what my mom said when I came home from Afghanistan. that I never really came home. During the war I became a zombie, I learned to completely shut myself off emotionally and function and do what needed to be done. My gf has said that she has never seen someone go from being the biggest gentleman to having zero empathy or emotions. Now I think thats a little exaggerated because I've been trying to get her to just calm down and give me a little space from the arguing as its pushed me away. we just have honestly gotten toxic af together and cant seem to just work together. 3 days ago I had made up my mind and she was begging me and crying to reconsider. I needed some time, so I waited and talked to a friend and decided we BOTH need to put aside our differences and actively work to agree and make it work. But the day I had decided ( 2days ago) she woke up and left the apartment and got her own hotel for the night and didnt say a word. I spent all day texting her mom saying we both needed to stop going in circles etc, we all agreed, she came back yesterday, and had literally nothing positive to say about me. she hates me. and shes done. all day yesterday I was extra nice and she wanted to be left alone, I offered to take us to Bali because she has no job, no money, I love her ( which is a big one), and her country is a warzone. I cannot send her walking across ukraine lines back to that. But she just wont come to terms with me. And now she also wont talk to me about where shes going, how shes getting the money, etc. She's just done and I don't blame her- as much as we loved each other the last month has been extremely toxic. But I know its just because of the stress eating at her. whats the phrase, " you can lead a horse to water". Or " dont swim too close to a drowning man". Shes walked around with a scowl for almost a month and granted I haven't kissed her in days we've also been in the midst of breaking up, although she did cite " animal sex with no emotions", which I thought she was on board with. She told her mom the only thing that interests me is sex now, but shes never acted like she didnt totally enjoy it, instead was apparently just stewing about each time I didnt give her affection or kiss her or hold her hand. it sounds like she started obsessing with what I wasn't doing. I will agree I was cold but it was also from weeks of fighting. Before we even left Romania she was getting upset with me for ignoring her and playing a PC game. Which i get. But at the same time I think about other girls I've dated and if they wanted me to stop playing a PC game and spend time with them they would have asked. We spent all day together, walking around, exploring, with her more or less either not seeming upset or periodically referencing the war and what was happening. I felt like I was compltely supportive. But she was right: not affectionate. I wish we could just agree to disagree and give each other some time and space and get back to things because I really do love her but I'm so stressed from  keeping up with whats happening to us when she said she was happy to be leaving this morning ( happy to be leaving me) I protested lightly about her situation and she just said it wasn't my concern again and then ignored me. she hates me... idk what else to say or do. I feel like maybe she resents me for asking her to leave with me.

[jerrygordon3]

On 3/29/2022 at 4:37 AM, basil67 said:

You've previously written about her refusing to leave.  That she'd rather 'die a hero' than leave.   This begs the question, did she approach you and ask to get her out?  Or did you have to coerce her to leave?   Of course I realise you have her best interest at heart, but if she didn't actively make the decision to go, then she's likely to be holding resentment towards you.   

It really sounds like she didn't want to be saved.

thats true. Her concept of war was totally funny. and also sad. I told her my friends are in SOCOM and have advised me to leave. And they're not cowards. doesnt matter how big or bad you are, a bomb coming through your roof kills anyone. she called me a coward and said shell die a hero, then once the bombing started she said we have to leave to my moms in the country OMFG. she was sobbing for days, and up all night with circles under her eyes staring at news. literally having a panic attack. and me, I was calm. why do I need to contribute to the emotions, after all once I complained about my day because I lost out on a 100K real estate deal, and she scoffed and said complaing about your day is for women. 

So the war goes on, and shes stressing crossing a border and leaving, then says she can't leave her family and I should go.. LOL, so you wait until the war starts to leave then once you've guilt tripped me into staying and my life has been risked you tell me to walk across the border alone and leave you!? I said look, two things are going to happen, bunch of my boys are fighting in maripul and I have a set of skills that make me an asset and I have lots of experience. I'm taking a bus to Odesa, you stay here, I'll fight. suddenly shes sobbing and hysterical telling me im the man she chose for her future I can't fight, but also talking about how heroic other people are for fighting. 

I said ya I get that but im not going to cower in your moms house, theres literally no fighting within 100 miles of this tiny town and its 100% safe. 

so then she said okay we will leave. and I said ok. it wasnt a rouse to get her to leave, I'm contemplating flying back to Moldova and meeting up with my friends. Theyre working out of a small unit and not just patrolling so it's more safe. Second day in Cambodia after me doing all of our paperwork, navigation, paying for everything, and still finding time to work, she packed her bags because I had been extremely tired and asked her to contribute by finding her own food and that I would pay for it. she started crying and said I was so mean all day. I was on 2 hours of sleep and visibily strained and I was short like 3 times with her about the fact we couldnt find a swim suit anywhere for her and I was tired of walking around to different malls. but mean? no i was short. she packs her bags and screams that she hates me for making her leave her family in  warzone. and walks out, I chase her down the street in my underwear pleading with her and asking her to stay under my roof. It's a new city and I need to make sure shes safe. shes gone for 3 days and doesnt talk to me and says she wants to leave asap. then walks back into my hotel room 3 days later like  nothing happened, and since has acted like I've s*** in her cheerios everyday, when it turns into an arguement I repeat the same thing. you need to help me by beaing a team player and not adding to the stress. stress about your family and the war but don't target our relationship. eventually i said I need some space and we should probably just avoid each other for a few days. making it worse. shes stressed me the F out about trying to hold onto her and also putting up with her shitty attitude. Like ya ive been cold, but there was so much more to play here to get my pushed into a corner and feel like I needed to get out. Her mom told me to act like a father. she literally said that I need to be a parental figure. and so did my gf. she said " I need a daddy, lover, friend"... and I was like wtf... call some girl friends. I dont have unlimited emotional energy and honestly im emotionally ******** when it comes to cues and having these super emotional conversations. you need to use resources. call Gfs, have talks, go hang out with my friends GF and have some girl time, get your head off of these things. nothing worked. in the end im an emotionless jerk and she can't wait to leave me

[Wiseman2]

Glad you got out and are in relative safety, but the war between you two just continues.

[BrinnM]

@jerrygordon3This sounds all very toxic, and amongst other things one contributing factor is that you seem have no common life goal in mind. You are just coasting along, from country to country, with no plan to settle down anywhere. You're both all over the place. You have no intention to go back to your home country, but instead you talk about fighting, not fighting, going to Bali, going here going there. There's no stability. And I truly think that's an additional stress factor for both of you, but especially her. 

[basil67]

That's a very long story you've given us, but long story short, it sounds like you coerced her into leaving and took her away from her family largely against her will.   As such, her anger at you is justified and it will seep through into your relationship.  

And as much as they want you to be a father figure, making decisions for other people doesn't usually work out well. 

[jerrygordon3]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

That's a very long story you've given us, but long story short, it sounds like you coerced her into leaving and took her away from her family largely against her will.   As such, her anger at you is justified and it will seep through into your relationship.  

And as much as they want you to be a father figure, making decisions for other people doesn't usually work out well. 

didnt feel like I was influencing her to leave much when she was sobbing that we needed to leave. I don't deserve resentment, everything I did I did with intentions to get us out of the war and into a sunny beautiful place to take her mind off things. I asked her to try and avoid news and try and control her mind because it was going to be hard. of course... even though the war was happening she deserved peace and happiness. but of course she would have to try really hard. not saying I expected her to be those things, but I was just trying to get us to a safe happy place... it didnt work. she really went out of her way to be negative. that much im certain of. What can I say, I did what I could with what I was dealt and tried to follow what her mom wanted us to do, which was leave and stay out of the country. I think ive spent more time talking to her mom than her this week but my gf, or ex now, refuses to come to terms and work on things. shes an adult and I can't control her. I've tried really hard to convince her to let a rough patch pass and to not do anything rash, but she only talked about leaving and never seemed happy with me. I felt a huge urge to obviously protect her as well

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

 my gf, or ex now, refuses to come to terms and work on things. 

Where is she staying now? You seem to want Margaritaville but she seems upset about her war-torn country, so it's just more incompatibilities just a place/climate you like better.

[jerrygordon3]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where is she staying now? You seem to want Margaritaville but she seems upset about her war-torn country, so it's just more incompatibilities just a place/climate you like better.

she was really rude yest. i tried to talk things out. yest she said it was over and she was leaving. she wouldnt tell me where she was going and when I left to go to the store, i came back 30 minutes later she had packed her bags and left. rude and immature. ive tried to do what was right to get us out of a warzone, get her somewhere nice, provide for us and fight through our issues. I tried to do what was right. I tried to take care of her. she resents me and its obvious. I got tired of fighting because it was constant and checked out, but i still tried. im so tired of this, shes been dramatic and angry for weeks and ive dated enough to know its not just the war situation, she was being extra.

[jerrygordon3]

6 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

she was really rude yest. i tried to talk things out. yest she said it was over and she was leaving. she wouldnt tell me where she was going and when I left to go to the store, i came back 30 minutes later she had packed her bags and left. rude and immature. ive tried to do what was right to get us out of a warzone, get her somewhere nice, provide for us and fight through our issues. I tried to do what was right. I tried to take care of her. she resents me and its obvious. I got tired of fighting because it was constant and checked out, but i still tried. im so tired of this, shes been dramatic and angry for weeks and ive dated enough to know its not just the war situation, she was being extra.

dating her the last month was like holding onto an electric fence. im sad we created such a distance that ended the relationship. I truly feel it was the war that created this space between us. but she refused to stay and shes an adult

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

 i came back 30 minutes later she had packed her bags and left.

Where did she go? It's a good solution if all you keep doing is fighting.

[jerrygordon3]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where did she go? It's a good solution if all you keep doing is fighting.

So over the course of the week it went like this

day 1: I finally hit my limit and said im done idk if I wanna be with you, I agree you should leave

day2: I maintain my posture, she cries

day 3: I talk with her mom but GF leaves for the day to get her own hotel, I decide I was just stressed and because of the situation we really need to try and work on our relationship

day4: she comes back to talk but just hates on me all day and then seems to calm down, but doesnt talk to me much and just sleeps. I think all is well

day 5: ( yesterday) We wake up and we are being cordial and nice, i ask her about bali and she says im not going. she gets up and goes to the bathroom and i wait shocked. I ask her what she means and she says shes leaving. she wont tell me where. she says its over. and shes cold as F about it. But at this point I've made my last effort and my guilt is gone. this is her choice. She refuses to tell me where shes going, how shes getting there, with what money, or anything. I go to the store and come back 30 minutes later, her bags are packed and shes gone and she blocked my number. I tell her mom and explain that although i thought the day before had been the time we would agree to disagree and then work on the relationship, she left without telling me where shes going and I have no control of the situation. her mom and I ended the conversation on good terms and she didnt seem worried and says maybe Nastya just needs space. 

day 6: If she comes back I'm not opening the door cause I'm done with the rollercoaster. I'm going to Bali, shes not. in 2 days I leave and I'm not taking her back. Shes safe apparently but its not my problem anymore. Im traveling with someone who obviously hates me for some reason and its been miserable.

a couple weeks ago: my ex talked with my best friends gf for days, and when it was just the 3 of us ( not my gf) they both told me nastya is incredibly negative and only seems to care about herself, and that shes saying pretty much only bad things about me and the relationship. mainly about me not being loving enough ( which is true I stopped showing affection but mostly because of the fighting). they also pleaded with me to end the relationship because it was toxic AND that if she does have a safe place to go then thats the best situation now. however I should try and smooth things over because she has very limited options. the entire situation has been a sh*t show and full of moral pitfalls. But shes refused to come to terms or agree together to work on the relationship and walked out without even telling me she was leaving. I mean she said she was going to leave but not like, sneak out. she snuck out and blocked me as far as I can see. She just seems like she really hates me. and I swear I cannot figure out why. outside of me asking her to leave the country which lets remember, she asked ME to leave the country once the war started and says I was right about wanting to leave in January before it started, only at the last minute did she say she needed to stay with her family. But when I also said Ill stay and Ill fight, then she said ok no better we go. so... take what you will. its just a messed up venn diagram of who did what for what reason. I think she should have stayed, its the smart thing to do but she is miserable and wants to leave and I can't stop her 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, jerrygordon3 said:

i ask her about bali and she says im not going. I ask her what she means and she says shes leaving. she wont tell me where. she says its over.  I go to the store and come back 30 minutes later, her bags are packed and shes gone and she blocked my number.

Ok. She does not want to tour around aimlessly with you and left. That's ok. Let her go.

If you wish to traipse around Asia that's fine but don't drag someone with you.

[jerrygordon3]

On 4/2/2022 at 3:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. She does not want to tour around aimlessly with you and left. That's ok. Let her go.

If you wish to traipse around Asia that's fine but don't drag someone with you.

shes gone now, she wont respond to me. I did work hard for us and dont understand why she would leave without saying goodbye even after living together and talking about a future. I tried to tell her it was just the war that created the issues and that I would have gone anywhere in the world with her if she wanted to leave asia so bad. But she wont respond. I just think its weird and sort of childish

[BrinnM]

2 hours ago, jerrygordon3 said:

it was just the war that created the issues

The war may have compounded certain problems that have been there all along. I hope she’s safe.