How can a woman learn to be sexy?

[JoeyHopeful]

Forgive me for asking this question, but I'm just a bit stuck and thought this would be a good place to ask.

How can a woman learn how to be sexy?

I love my wife and I'm not asking because I don't find her attractive, but because there's something about sexiness that I think is good.

Are there any courses out there? Coaches? Online guides? I can't seem to find anything  except bedroom guides and I'm looking for life in general.

I'd love my wife to learn how to be sexy. Things like crossing her legs, playing with her hair, standing in a way that accentuates the shape of her body, knowing how to pose, keeping good posture, etc.

Where do women learn this stuff? How do you learn how to behave in a sexy way?

(Her family is more the never dancing, conservative knitted cardigans kind.)

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, JoeyHopeful said:

Are there any courses out there? Coaches? Online guides?

Probably the same place that offers How to Accept Your Wife As She Is programs. 

[mark clemson]

I think it's easy enough to learn, for those who actually care to, simply by observing other women and media of all sorts and then trying things out and experimenting with what works for them in terms of clothes, makeup, mannerisms, hairstyles, etc. However, it appears from what you say that she was socialized/socialized herself a bit differently.

I suspect that those women who DO "show off their stuff a bit" do a lot more of it during the "courtship" phase anyhow, rather than once the relationship is established, although there probably are those for whom the habits stick.

It seems like you have chosen (perhaps wisely from some perspectives) to marry a woman who doesn't accentuate her sexuality overmuch and have now decided you'd like her to turn herself into eye candy. It seems the easiest thing for you to would be to communicate your desire and see IF she's actually amenable. She's probably quite capable of doing it herself.

I'm not sure what's in it for her, nor if it's the sort of thing that would actually make her happy (she doesn't seem to be the type). Are you hoping to be seen as "more of a stud" by your friends/neighbors with your now "sexy" wife? Honestly, this feels a bit "mid-life-crisis-ey," no?

Edited March 27, 2022 by mark clemson

[Els]

I hate to break this to you, but there's no such thing as a universal "sexy" for women,  just like how there's no such thing as a universal "sexy" for men. The things that you describe as sexy, other people might be neutral on, or even turned off by (especially "posing" like she's in an instagram photo all the time, lmao). Basically what you are asking is "how do I make my wife behave in a way that I find sexy?"

And to answer your question, I will ask you another one: Why are you even with your wife if you never found her sexy?

[JoeyHopeful]

40 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 Are you hoping to be seen as "more of a stud" by your friends/neighbors with your now "sexy" wife? Honestly, this feels a bit "mid-life-crisis-ey," no?

Not in the slightest. I can't really imagine that. I only want to enjoy who she is. Is it really wrong for a woman to look nice?

This feels like what her family would say. No need for dancing, enjoying yourself or looking nice. Spend the money on something worthwhile.

Maybe I'm crazy. I'm struggling to find anyone who understands. But I want her to show her beauty and I want to enjoy that. Not out at parties, but with each other.

Aren't there any marriages out there where couples enjoy finding each other attractive, dance and build a bit of sexual tension? All our family just sit on sofas watching TV. I just want more than that.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, JoeyHopeful said:

This feels like what her family would say. No need for dancing, enjoying yourself or looking nice

And yet, you still married her. 

Where is this all coming from now? How long have you been married? 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, JoeyHopeful said:

All our family just sit on sofas watching TV. I just want more than that.

That's because you are not taking her out on date nights to nice places where there is an opportunity and reason to get her hair done, wear makeup, dress up, etc..

She's not going to pole dance when you're plopped on the sofa in front of the TV yourself.

When was the last time you got a babysitter? Went away for a romantic weekend?

 Are you watching a lot or porn or IG women? Is there someone else you have your eye on?

Edited March 27, 2022 by Wiseman2

[JoeyHopeful]

3 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

And to answer your question, I will ask you another one: Why are you even with your wife if you never found her sexy?

Thanks for your comments about no general way of being sexy. That's a good point. I do wonder though if there are some actions or dresses or behaviours that people would usually say are sexier than others though? Like slouching vs highheels. I'm not saying women should ever wear high heels if they don't want to, just that quite a lot of people seem to think that it looks good.

In answer to your question I do find my wife sexy, but she's always been more the hidden beauty. Like MJ in Spiderman, she's not noticed at first and then you are like wow. She's got a beautiful figure that doesn't really suit a hunched back, but her mum has rubbish posture, so maybe it runs in the family. It's definitely something you can change though I know people who have been to yoga and rave about how it's changed their posture and back pain.

[Els]

8 minutes ago, JoeyHopeful said:

In answer to your question I do find my wife sexy, but she's always been more the hidden beauty. Like MJ in Spiderman, she's not noticed at first and then you are like wow. She's got a beautiful figure that doesn't really suit a hunched back, but her mum has rubbish posture, so maybe it runs in the family. It's definitely something you can change though I know people who have been to yoga and rave about how it's changed their posture and back pain.

I mean, if you feel strongly about the whole yoga thing, take up yoga yourself and offer to do partnered yoga with her? Also... if you want to dance with her, then book a night at a nice place where people get dressed up and dance, dress up nicely yourself, and then ask her to dance...? All of these things you can easily do something about, yet here you are asking us to find you an article that you can send her while you yourself do nothing. Kinda weird, no?

My question was a bit deeper than what you answered, though. Clearly you have a lot of contempt towards her belief systems and her family, and you find her behaviour unsexy... so why are you with her?

Edited March 27, 2022 by Elswyth

[JoeyHopeful]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's because you are not taking her out on date nights to nice places where there is an opportunity and reason to get her hair done, wear makeup, dress up, etc..

Sorry, that should have said families, not family. I meant her folks and mine, they spend most of their free time watching TV.

Yes, you're right about the dates and the babysitters. It has been awhile, but covid! 

Like Mark Clemson said in the thread though, I'm not trying to impress other people, I'm just wanting us to enjoy each other. Maybe it needs to be in public though like you say.

I have a colleague whose wife wears nice clothes to work. Not saying she dresses like a hooker or anything, just wears clothes that suit her. That's what I want at home.

I also have another friend who teaches pilates because she wants to stay healthy and look great. I know pilates is potentially a superficial thing to do, but surely it's not always bad to stay in shape and look good?

I'm sure there are some women out there that really enjoy looking good and driving their men crazy. I just can't seem to find anyone who has that in marriage. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, JoeyHopeful said:

Forgive me for asking this question, but I'm just a bit stuck and thought this would be a good place to ask.

How can a woman learn how to be sexy?

I love my wife and I'm not asking because I don't find her attractive, but because there's something about sexiness that I think is good.

Are there any courses out there? Coaches? Online guides? I can't seem to find anything  except bedroom guides and I'm looking for life in general.

I'd love my wife to learn how to be sexy. Things like crossing her legs, playing with her hair, standing in a way that accentuates the shape of her body, knowing how to pose, keeping good posture, etc.

Where do women learn this stuff? How do you learn how to behave in a sexy way?

(Her family is more the never dancing, conservative knitted cardigans kind.)

I think it's like asking how does a guy learn to be cool, how to be charismatic.

I think sexual presence, while you can do things to slightly enhance the baseline level, is an inherent quality that you either have or you don't.  It's not learned, it's just something that comes naturally.

One thing I will say is that you have to set the right conditions for her to feel her sexiest.  You have to make your wife *feel* sexy.  Charisma, sexiness is cultivated through positive reinforcement.

Do you ever say "man you look really good in those jeans, I wish you'd wear them more often." 

Or do you ever just behave like you have to have her, like you think she's the sexiest woman in the world?  Do you behave lustfully?   Are you seductive?

I think your belief that she isn't sexy is something that's coming through your behavior, and it's exacerbating the issue.  When you look at her you look at her as someone that's not sexy.  You have to be part of the solution, while also understanding that she may not ever be exactly what you hope she will be.  You're not going to turn her into Marilyn Monroe.  But she may naturally act more sexy because you make her feel sexy.  A woman has to feel it before she can be it.

And I believe she actually *wants* to be that for you.  But it begins with you, you have to start the spark and fan the flame.

Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[JoeyHopeful]

13 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

All of these things you can easily do something about, yet here you are asking us to find you an article that you can send her while you yourself do nothing. Kinda weird, no?

I'm not doing nothing. I'm asking for help.

The reason I'm asking is because I'm an average guy. I learnt never to cross my legs, not how to cross them sexily. I never went shopping for dresses with the girls. I can tell you a nice dress when it's on, but I dont know about fit or seasons or colour combinations that match your body shape or something. I don't know the first thing about makeup.

You are right. I could learn yoga or makeup myself and then teach her. But surely some women out there have learnt how to be sexy from other women? Isn't that a normal thing? I went down to the gym and learnt the ropes with the guys.

Am I crazy? Do I need to learn how to be a sexy woman to teach my wife? This seems so complicated and difficult.

[Els]

10 minutes ago, JoeyHopeful said:

I'm not doing nothing. I'm asking for help.

The reason I'm asking is because I'm an average guy. I learnt never to cross my legs, not how to cross them sexily. I never went shopping for dresses with the girls. I can tell you a nice dress when it's on, but I dont know about fit or seasons or colour combinations that match your body shape or something. I don't know the first thing about makeup.

You are right. I could learn yoga or makeup myself and then teach her. But surely some women out there have learnt how to be sexy from other women? Isn't that a normal thing? I went down to the gym and learnt the ropes with the guys.

Am I crazy? Do I need to learn how to be a sexy woman to teach my wife? This seems so complicated and difficult.

Oh my god. I sure hope you aren't as obtuse with your wife as you are with us... 😂

JUST TAKE HER OUT DANCING IF YOU WANT TO DANCE. Take her out on a date to a nice place where people get dressed up if you want her to dress up! What is so complicated and difficult about that??????

It's not about teaching anyone anything, it's about making her feel that she's with a sexy/romantic man in a sexy/romantic place so that she feels inspired to do the things that you find sexy...

And yes, sorry, nobody is going to be putting on makeup and a nice dress to cross their legs and twirl their hair while they dance for you AT HOME, especially if you don't want to dance or dress up yourself... unless you're paying them to do that. 😂 If you can't go out because of Covid (although you're clearly seeing your co-worker in person...), then you'll just have to wait til you can.

Edited March 27, 2022 by Elswyth

[JoeyHopeful]

6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

I think it's like asking how does a guy learn to be cool, how to be charismatic.

People are trying to sell me courses on that ALL the time!

8 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

 

I think sexual presence, while you can do things to slightly enhance the baseline level, is an inherent quality that you either have or you don't.  It's not learned, it's just something that comes naturally.

You're probably right, but do you think Kim Kardashian had the same presence at 16 as she does now at 41? I can't prove it, but I'm sure some people learn how to dress, do makeup, develop good posture?

 

13 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Do you ever say "man you look really good in those jeans, I wish you'd wear them more often." 

Or do you ever just behave like you have to have her, like you think she's the sexiest woman in the world?

All the time, but that doesn't tell her how she would find a similar or more sexy pair of Jean's in the store. I don't think she's trying not to be sexy, she's just not learnt the skills.

There must be a way to develop sex appeal and learn how to enhance your features.

[dramafreezone]

11 minutes ago, JoeyHopeful said:

You're probably right, but do you think Kim Kardashian had the same presence at 16 as she does now at 41? I can't prove it, but I'm sure some people learn how to dress, do makeup, develop good posture?

 

Try to purge your mind of these types of thoughts.  What you see with Kim Kardashian is artificial to a large extent.  She is a celebrity and has a considerable financial incentive to project sex appeal.  You can't compare women in your life to that standard, and you will never view your wife as sexy if this is the standard you have in your mind.

That said even Kim Kardashian has her days of not feeling sexy which you would never see, because it would destroy the image that you have of her.

Sexiness is a state of mind, it's not a set of actions that you can combine together and make a sexy person.  The mindset is the essential glue that binds the sexy actions and makes them feel authentic.  So it still starts with you.  You have to always make her feel desired, sexy, every opportunity you get.  All women want this from their man (or partner). 

It's not like a light switch but if she feels desired she will want to continue that feeling by being more sexy and getting more positive attention out of you. 

But sexiness is not something that has to be learned (or can be learned), it's ingrained in us.  It does have to be brought out of us and cultivated though.

Edited March 27, 2022 by dramafreezone

[ShyViolet]

If you are wanting to change your wife in all these ways, you should not be with her.  Go out and look for someone else who fits the requirements that you are looking for.  It is so disrespectful and insulting to try and change a whole list of things about a person.  You can't change or "teach" a person to be something different from what they are.  You shouldn't be trying to "teach" her to dress differently, pose her body differently, sit differently, stand differently.  Life and relationships don't work that way.  If you don't accept someone completely for what they are, and RESPECT who they are, then you shouldn't marry them.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JoeyHopeful said:

All the time, but that doesn't tell her how she would find a similar or more sexy pair of Jean's in the store. I don't think she's trying not to be sexy, she's just not learnt the skills.

Why aren't you planning exciting interesting things to do? Do you expect her to slink around the house in sexy outfits?

It's strange you haven't planned fun weekends, offered to take her shopping or given her a spa gift certificate.

What exactly are you doing to help the situation? It seems like you are quite busy noticing others' wives and exercise instructors.

[basil67]

I feel I have to further emphasise that the Kim Kardashian you see on TV and social media is not real.  It's a persona she's created to make a huge amount of money by encouraging followers.   The twirling of the hair, the sexy crossing of legs, provocative leaning...most sensible women don't do this in real life.  I mean sure, there may be some silly 18yos who experiment with it, but it's all fake.   Sexy comes from the soul, not from contrived body postures and actions.

That said, one can learn to dress in a manner which is more attractive.  For women, it's generally about understanding which clothes suit their bodies and a fresh new haircut and colour.  Yes, heels can be nice, but take note of all the women wearing white sneakers or Converse with their dresses.  There is a reason for this - women are starting to embrace comfort.  So if she wears heels, make sure to drop her at the door of the restaurant you take her to.

But does she want to change?  Has she ever watched a makeover show and wished she could try a makeover?   If so, you surprise her by organising one for her.  Be prepared for a lot of money spent on clothes and hair though!   Do the two of you have that spare cash hanging around?   Will you be OK with hundreds of dollars regularly disappearing from your bank account for the upkeep?    

All that said, if she has no interest in a makeover, then you'll have to love her how she is.  

[stillafool]

Does you wife have a nice body?  Why don't you surprise your wife and buy her an outfit you'd like to see her in and then take her out.   Tell her you love her legs and would like to see her in more skirts and dresses.  

[Lotsgoingon]

What you can do is what many partners do: that is praise the heck out of her appearance when she looks really great. Go nuts. No negativity. No words like "you don't usually look this good." Nope. Stay 100 percent positive.

That's really the only way to comment on a partner's appearance that isn't toxic. Funny: I've had women do this on me (Oh you look GREAT in THOSE pants) and I learned to do this with some of my partners. It's funny: even when the implication was clear (I didn't look good in those OTHER pants) my brain just didn't take any offense. Praise is really powerful. 

As far as learning sexiness, that's one of those fantastic questions. One, as someone pointed out, sexiness differs--there are many ways to be sexy. But I get your point. One way of being sexythat fascinates me these days is that sexiness often has something to do with accepting yourself. What's also strange is that being pretty or handsome isn't always sexy. I am generalizing a lot here, but that's the only way to say anything on this topic.

Which leads to this: Are you sure it's more sexiness you want from your wife and not just more attention to her appearance? 

 

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, JoeyHopeful said:

Aren't there any marriages out there where couples enjoy finding each other attractive, dance and build a bit of sexual tension? All our family just sit on sofas watching TV. I just want more than that.

Fair enough. I believe that absolutely there are. I'd echo the suggestion above that it sounds like you'd like to have some date nights. I think the onus is on you to schedule some and to suggest that, mutually with you wife, the two of you dress up for "nights on the town", etc. Look for things she enjoys as well as some things you enjoy. 

Hopefully, she finds this stimulating and wants to enjoy it as much as you do. That's certainly not guaranteed, but there's probably at least a reasonable chance.

One very important aspect of marriage is that it's building a life together. So it's important that it be a life you can both enjoy. That will often take (reasonable, but significant) compromise on your part, but it also entails (reasonable) flexibility on your partner's part to try some new things, such as dressing up a bit, if it's going to help keep both of you happy.

Edited March 28, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

This might be under the How To Willfully Destroy Your Marriage category. I understand what you’re suggesting, OP, although you may find it more useful igniting more passion and enthusiasm in your marriage by connecting with your wife and trying new things together. Both of you may be stuck in a rut.

Criticizing the way she dresses and her posture and then asking for ways for her to be more sexy is passive aggressive and disrespectful even if not done right to her face. I don’t like my ex-husband but there is no way I’d call have called him fugly or even hint at something like that in the marriage and certainly not during the divorce. I’d never dream of nitpicking about a partner’s looks. I think your troubles are going far deeper than your wife’s outer appearance. Do you carry disdain and resentment for her conservative upbringing? 

Try figuring out whether your relationship is stale and boring and what your underlying resentment is. Find ways to reconnect and see each other in a new light, appreciate and deeply respect one another.

Edited March 28, 2022 by glows

[heartwhole2]

It sounds like you live in a conservative culture where what you see in the mainstream media is not the norm. So I can understand your curiosity and confusion. But I echo the responses that offering your wife a course on how to be sexy is just not how to go about this.

When it comes to these secret desires of ours, and our fears of being too vulnerable or making our partners feel unattractive, it's best to focus on what YOU can do. You can ask her what SHE finds sexy. You can offer to make changes to be sexier to her. You can suggest dancing, shopping, going out, etc. But please do not say, "I want you to learn how to be sexy." Ask, "What do YOU think is sexy?" Ask, "How can I help you feel sexy?" Say, "I want us to feel free to explore our sexuality together."

To sum up, focus on how to improve your relationship together and to find out her desires and likes. Don't frame it as a list of things she needs to do to be sexy to you. After all, you're the one consumed by thoughts of sexiness. She is likely not, and if you throw a bunch of suggestions at her, it will feel like you are rejecting her. Start small, and figure out what you both like and want by trial and error.

[stillafool]

On 3/27/2022 at 1:10 PM, JoeyHopeful said:

I'd love my wife to learn how to be sexy.

I'm not sure this is something you can learn.  Did you find her to be sexy when you first started seeing her up until you married her?

On 3/27/2022 at 10:39 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

What's also strange is that being pretty or handsome isn't always sexy. I am generalizing a lot here, but that's the only way to say anything on this topic.

I agree.  For me the sexiest guys were never the really good looking ones I dated.  I've heard guys say that about women as well.

[gameoflife]

In my opinion, I would leave this very well alone. If she has been conservative her entire life, she will not be accustomed to the attention a sexy woman gets. She will be tempted by the male attention, and you might find out the hard way that her conservative non-sexy behavior had a real purpose. Being heavily desired by other men is very intoxicating and clouds judgment. I purposely have no female friends because every female friend I ever had always wanted more, and even the strongest man who tempts himself in such a way will eventually find himself in a situation where his will betrays his values.