Picking up where we left off after one month

[Gaeta]

Hello all, 

So to my surprise, one month after I broke things with my last guy (robe man), he contacted me yesterday. He asked me how I was doing, my daugthers and my work. I thanked him for very precious professional advice he had given me back in Februarye and I had never thanked him. Conversation was flowing so he asked if I'd join him for dinner, he was inviting me. I accepted. 

We had dinner in a cute little chinese restaurant, we're both fan of Asian food. We had a great time. Half way through it I brought up my breakup text and how I was surprised a bit he hadn't replied anything. He said he had felt I was taking my distance in the last few days prior to the text. He said if I had called him he would have interpreted it as there's a crack in the door for him to fix things but when people put an end by writting it's because it's well thought out and they are really thinking every word they're putting down. He felt there was nothing he could have said at that time, he prefered to think about what he had done wrong and he summarized it to me and I could see he was humbling himself and wanting to know where he had failed. 

I felt safe to open to him about what had lead me to break things off. I spoke about him opening the door in his robe, the sheet on the bed that had me wondering if there were other women, the fact I had to ask 3 times etc. This conversation between him and I was done in the most respect. He acknowledged his behavior could lead to confusion. When I told him how it made me feel when he openned the door in his robe I saw the realization in his face and he went omg I'm so sorry and embarassed. 

So dinner ended and he was calling himself a taxi. I said to cancel it, I'd drop him off. When I got there I was prepared to refuse his invitation to come in...but he didn't invite me in, and I appreciated that. He said he'd like to see me again and I said I'd like that as well, and he kisses me, asked me to text him that I made it home. 

Things were different this time. I was different. I was not on the defensive, I was not trying to find something off in his words and behavior,  my guards were not up and truly enjoyed his company. Maybe it was my month off the dating sites, or my one month no carbs lol, but I'm going to see this man with a sincere heart this time 🙂

 

 

 

[poppyfields]

Thank you for the update G; I truly believe timing is everything, well not everything but important. 

Hopefully, the second time's the charm, you sound happy and positive! 

Fingers crossed this works out!  💛

[Happy Lemming]

At the end of the day, it sounds like you had a nice meal together.

I guess you'll have to wait & see where this goes or doesn't go.

What do you think YOU want to happen with this gentleman??  Where would YOU like to see it go??  How would YOU like to see it proceed??  And finally... How do YOU feel about him??

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

What do you think YOU want to happen with this gentleman??  Where would YOU like to see it go??  How would YOU like to see it proceed??  And finally... How do YOU feel about him??

I would like to spend time with him, get to know him without the distraction of online dating, l want to see him for who he is without looking for flaws and being overly guarded. 

Of course my end goal is a serious relationship but l don't need it to get there fast. I'm happy dating exclusively without disturbing our respective lives too much.

I feel my interest in him has renewed. I feel in a better place overall, l'll even say l feel peaceful. 

[Happy Lemming]

54 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I feel my interest in him has renewed. I feel in a better place overall, l'll even say l feel peaceful. 

GREAT!!  This all sounds good, especially the peaceful part.

Are you going to invite him out on a date, next??  I'm assuming its not -30 degrees (at this point), so is there some upcoming outdoor activities that seem fun (in your area)??  Or maybe some indoor ones without Covid-19 restrictions??

[Agentra]

Oh. Heck. Yes.

Every once in a while I look up if you've added any updates to your dating adventures. I'm excited for this season😬

Take care Gaeta, have fun, hope this turns out wonderful for you.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 dinner ended and he was calling himself a taxi

Next time let him take a cab/get his own transportation. Try not to recreate the same old patterns.

That's the key if you hope this time is better. Changing things. 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Gaeta]

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Are you going to invite him out on a date, next??  I'm assuming its not -30 degrees (at this point), so is there some upcoming outdoor activities that seem fun (in your area)??  Or maybe some indoor ones without Covid-19 restrictions??

Yes I'd like to come up with an outing idea. It's not the best of weather, cold and rainy, but everything is reopened full capacity! Theaters, concerts, bowling, name it! 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Next time let him take a cab/get his own transportation. Try not to recreate the same old patterns.

When we first met and he told me the story about returning his leased car etc, he said if ever not having a car interferes in dating me he'll get one. So I was thinking of telling him that if in 6 months we feel this is going long term he will have to get a car. Do you think it's reasonable? I'm not a big fan of being the main driver through the summer but it's viable. I do not want to enter next winter with being the sole driver though. 

I'm thinking 6 months because it's really hard to find a car right now. I had planned on changing my car this spring and there is a 2 year wait on the car I want. There was also a long wait on the car he wanted but the difference is I am not on foot while waiting.

[Kamille]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When we first met and he told me the story about returning his leased car etc, he said if ever not having a car interferes in dating me he'll get one. So I was thinking of telling him that if in 6 months we feel this is going long term he will have to get a car. Do you think it's reasonable? I'm not a big fan of being the main driver through the summer but it's viable. I do not want to enter next winter with being the sole driver though. 

I'm thinking 6 months because it's really hard to find a car right now. I had planned on changing my car this spring and there is a 2 year wait on the car I want. There was also a long wait on the car he wanted but the difference is I am not on foot while waiting.

 

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I would like to spend time with him, get to know him without the distraction of online dating, l want to see him for who he is without looking for flaws and being overly guarded. 

Of course my end goal is a serious relationship but l don't need it to get there fast. I'm happy dating exclusively without disturbing our respective lives too much.

I feel my interest in him has renewed. I feel in a better place overall, l'll even say l feel peaceful. 

There's a major contradiction between these two posts. 

In one you say you want to enjoy getting to know him, in the other you are panning to tell him to buy a car, and acting co-dependent by thinking "the problem of finding a car right now" for him.

 

Slow down and stop planning. You are far from being at that stage with him. For now, get to know him. Let go of thinking about the future. And try as much as you can to not focus your thoughts on him too much. Plan activities with friends and family, do things that you love doing and make this a slowburn.

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Kamille said:

In one you say you want to enjoy getting to know him, in the other you are panning to tell him to buy a car, and acting co-dependent by thinking "the problem of finding a car right now" for him.

Slow down and stop planning. You are far from being at that stage with him. For now, get to know him. Let go of thinking about the future. And try as much as you can to not focus your thoughts on him too much. Plan activities with friends and family, do things that you love doing and make this a slowburn.

Yes, I do want to enjoy being in the moment, not concentrate on the 'no car' situation. I don't understand the co-dependency comment? I'm just being understanding of the difficulties of the car market at this moment. I am more ruled by logic in my life than by anything else. 

In terms of planning, I don't view it as planning a future for him and I, it's more about me knowing what I want, expressing it, and expressing my deadlines. I can enjoy the moment, absolutely, but it's not in my personality to throw overboard my wants and needs. 

I'm having  conversation with LS about it but I am not focusing on him, I'm not the co-dependent type, my weekend is booked with other stuff, I may have a spot for him on Sunday. Remember, I broke things with him, he got back to me, he wants this more than I do. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with Kamille.

To add - try not to read too much into or put more importance on his return after you broke things off with him than it deserves to (at this juncture).

The idea of getting to know him better and spending more time with him sounds good.

Edited March 29, 2022 by Alpaca

[Ami1uwant]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes, I do want to enjoy being in the moment, not concentrate on the 'no car' situation. I don't understand the co-dependency comment? I'm just being understanding of the difficulties of the car market at this moment. I am more ruled by logic in my life than by anything else. 

In terms of planning, I don't view it as planning a future for him and I, it's more about me knowing what I want, expressing it, and expressing my deadlines. I can enjoy the moment, absolutely, but it's not in my personality to throw overboard my wants and needs. 

I'm having  conversation with LS about it but I am not focusing on him, I'm not the co-dependent type, my weekend is booked with other stuff, I may have a spot for him on Sunday. Remember, I broke things with him, he got back to me, he wants this more than I do. 

Why are you even trying it again with him?  I get why he is.

[Alvi]

4 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Why are you even trying it again with him?  I get why he is.

What you think he is his ulterior motive?

[Alvi]

Enjoy Gaeta! Take it one date at a time. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

...bowling...

This sounds like fun...  Good plan/idea!!  I've always liked planning dates that had some type of "activity" and not just dinner.

Not that this is much of an activity, but I often used "Comedy Clubs" as a date idea.  Not a first date, as you can't really talk...  but since you guys have dated a little, this might be a fun date, as well.

Best of luck!!

[smackie9]

17 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes, I do want to enjoy being in the moment, not concentrate on the 'no car' situation. I don't understand the co-dependency comment? 

He means none of this guy's situation about the car shouldn't be any of your concern. TBH  the guy should think about this on his own. You are not a couple, you are just "dating" getting to know one another. If you don't want to be the main driver, just say so and leave it at that. Whatever he does after that is up to him, not you. He's a big boy he can figure it out. 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Why are you even trying it again with him?  I get why he is.

Because he has a lot of good qualities I'm looking for in a man and I think he is genuinely interested in getting to know me. I think when our path crossed the first time I was not in the right frame of mind. I have came to a realization during my month off online dating that all this time I had been looking for my ex in each man I met. They had to be extroverted, a bit of a clown, handyman, etc. It's time for me to cut that sh$t. When he got back to me I saw him with different eyes.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He means none of this guy's situation about the car shouldn't be any of your concern. TBH  the guy should think about this on his own. You are not a couple, you are just "dating" getting to know one another. If you don't want to be the main driver, just say so and leave it at that. Whatever he does after that is up to him, not you. He's a big boy he can figure it out. 

But it's my concern because I'm the one driving right? I am willing to be the driver but not forever. The same principal would apply with someone I am not dating. I would agree to drive my neighbor around until she gets a car, but not forever. 

[Ami1uwant]

21 minutes ago, Alvi said:

What you think he is his ulterior motive?

Based on my impression of Gs description it sounded like he was getting hood sex.  That runs out you take another shot…especially if she ended it for not a great reason.  It appeared that it was more of a booty call thing than an actual relationship.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's my concern because I'm the one driving right? I am willing to be the driver but not forever. The same principal would apply with someone I am not dating. I would agree to drive my neighbor around until she gets a car, but not forever. 

 

what if he is saying he doesn’t own a car because he can’t drive fir other reasons like…medical, past DUI, etc?

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

When he got back to me I saw him with different eyes.

At the end of the day, Dating should be fun and make you happy.

If this guy makes you happy, then go for it.

If you needed a month off to clear your mind and reset your wants/needs in a relationship... again, good on you for taking that month off.

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's my concern because I'm the one driving right? I am willing to be the driver but not forever. The same principal would apply with someone I am not dating. I would agree to drive my neighbor around until she gets a car, but not forever. 

Didn't you say (in a previous post) that there was a (daily) car rental service in the area (I forgot the name), so he could always rent something for a day date or trip (you guys might want to take).  I'm sure if you asked him to do a rental, he would gladly agree.

[Kamille]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

But it's my concern because I'm the one driving right? I am willing to be the driver but not forever. The same principal would apply with someone I am not dating. I would agree to drive my neighbor around until she gets a car, but not forever. 

Easy. Don't drive when you don't want to. Your generous nature likely makes you feel like you should but:  

 

I don't own a car. As someone who lives car-free in a city much like yours, with the same car-share company, I know how to make my way around town. This man of yours likely does too. 

 

It makes sense for you to offer to drive for exceptional outings. But for regular day to day getting around the city, that's on him to figure out, not you.

 

adding: this is asserting yourself: setting the boundaries that you want. Leave it at that. His job is to figure out the rest.

 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Kamille

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I'm not a big fan of being the main driver through the summer but it's viable.

His transportation should not be your problem. That's falling into the same bad habits. 

[Gaeta]

20 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

what if he is saying he doesn’t own a car because he can’t drive fir other reasons like…medical, past DUI, etc?

He has a driver's license. He returned his leased car at the end of the contract and the car he wanted only came on special order so he decided to wait it out.