Picking up where we left off after one month

[Gaeta]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Thanks... Does he speak to you in French??

Je parle un peu français

Yes we speak French together. His is more european french, we have different expressions it can get funny!

I'm impressed by your French!! You even have the French keyboard lol 👍

[clia]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It's like a meetup group getting together to practice French, English, Spanish, it's in a coffee place.

I don't mind picking him up. I have accepted I will be the driver for now. About going up to his place, I'll play it by ear. 

This doesn't sound like much of a date.  I don't get it.  Clearly you don't need to learn English, so why are you driving him to English class?  Can't he take you out on an actual date?  

I do not think you should go to his house.  I think you will fall right back into the same pattern as last time.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, clia said:

This doesn't sound like much of a date.  I don't get it.  Clearly you don't need to learn English, so why are you driving him to English class?  Can't he take you out on an actual date?  

Agree. This is not a date. It's more chauffeuring him to his class. You claim he is not broke, then he must simply be too cheap to treat you well.

Make sure there are no maternal instincts in driving him around to his class, the way one would drive a child (who has a bike, not a car) to a class

[poppyfields]

44 minutes ago, clia said:

This doesn't sound like much of a date.  I don't get it.  Clearly you don't need to learn English, so why are you driving him to English class?  Can't he take you out on an actual date?  

I do not think you should go to his house.  I think you will fall right back into the same pattern as last time.

Oh dear, I agree....

Back to having a bad vibe again... I think it's quite possible this man is a user and a taker. 

I did not like his reason for not responding to your break up text either. 

Sorry, wish I could be more positive.   

Edited March 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Allupinnit]

I would not feel sexy driving a grown man who chooses not to have a car around town for our dates, or for his errands as he's asked you already.  You're not married - no need to plan on sharing your car with him already!  In fact he's not even your boyfriend.

This guy hasn't really gone out of his way to make you feel special at all, it seems you like the company and the sex but why do you keep going back to these clowns once you've decided you deserve more?  

I am not sure we're helping you because you raise very legitimate concerns but then backtrack to say you're ok with going to his house for sex, being the one to drive the two of you around, etc. I wonder if you are emotionally unavailable.

These guys who pop up for round two are usually striking out online so they go back to the path of least resistance, but we like to think they just couldn't get us off their minds.

Relationally, if men don't absolutely have to, they won't.

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

These guys who pop up for round two are usually striking out online so they go back to the path of least resistance, but we like to think they just couldn't get us off their minds.

Yes it's the story we women often like to tell ourselves, when the truth leans more towards they're in a dry spell or as quoted above, taking the path of least resistance.  

It's ego basically, I used to do this myself, I own it. 

I've come to understand that while I have lots of confidence, I am also realistic. 

G, I adore you, we all do, but if HE thought you were all that 'special,' he would NOT have let you go the first time.

Jmo, and again I'm sorry. 

 

Edited March 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

The class is my idea.

That's what l want to do and i think it will be fun. It's light, it's new, it's outside his home.

I want to interact with him in public, l want to see him interact with others. That's how we get to know someone.

It's an outing, not defined as a date. I never said we had a "date". I leave home around 19h , l want to be back by 22h. 

Edited March 30, 2022 by Gaeta

[clia]

And just to be clear--I have nothing against Meetup events.  Heck, I met my husband at a Meetup event!  And if it were a different type of Meetup event, that might be different, too.  And this type of event would be okay if you were an established couple.  But you aren't!  This guy should be trying to court you, impress you, this should be the honeymoon stage.  But he wants to get together with other people to practice speaking different languages?  So, is he going to talk to other people the whole time?  Why can't he just practice his English with you over a nice dinner?  How is this even a date?  It just seems odd to me, Gaeta.    

[Gaeta]

Please read carefully.

** it was MY idea**

@Allupinnit: l am not  having sex with him since we got back in touch.

[Alpacalia]

Agree.

One guy returned. The relationship stayed for four years.

Nothing he did at first I took seriously because I was like, oh yeah, we've been here before.

In the end, he really stepped up, and I knew I could fully trust him.

Since it's clear you still wish to see him, some of us hope to encourage you not to place too much value on his actions in the present.

This is not the time for blind faith.

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, clia said:

Why can't he just practice his English with you over a nice dinner?  How is this even a date?  It just seems odd to me, Gaeta.    

He took me out to a nice place Sunday. I don't want to go to restaurants again, we were there 3 days ago.

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The class is my idea.

That's what l want to do and i think it will be fun. It's light, it's new, it's outside his home.

I want to interact with him in public, l want to see him interact with others. That's how we get to know someone.

It's an outing, not defined as a date. I never said we had a "date". I leave home around 19h , l want to be back by 22h. 

Maybe it’s fine for a one time thing. As long as it’s not a recurring or weekly event, I don’t see the issue. You both seem to bond over languages. 

What seemed confusing was earlier when transportation came up and others were doing their best to show you he has to make more of an effort and figure out his own way to dates and meet ups. Now you’re picking him up. In your excitement maybe you’re a little more accommodating. Hopefully it’s not a recurring issue that you feel resentful about over time - not that you seem capable of that. You seem to deal with any misgivings promptly and have no issues ending a situation you’re no longer interested in. 

I can only say see where it goes but it’s up to you to set those boundaries and stick to them especially if you weren’t keen on too much too soon. 

[clia]

We cross posted, Gaeta.  

Ok, your idea.  You are planning dates/outings (what's the difference?  Aren't you trying to date this man?), picking him up, ok.  If that's the dynamic you want. 

[poppyfields]

24 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

One guy returned. The relationship stayed for four years.

Nothing he did at first I took seriously because I was like, oh yeah, we've been here before.

In the end, he really stepped up, and I knew I could fully trust him.

Alpaca, question.  Were you the one to break up with him or did he? 

Gaeta, I dunno I think it's questionable that YOU ended it, he never bothered to ask why or even respond to your text, and now a month later HE pops back in, still doesn't have a car or making an effort to "court" you (make or plan dates).

I'm not a "princess" by any stretch but this just sounds off to me. 

But OK, give it a few and see if he 'steps up' as Alpaca's guy did.

Edited March 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

39 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

 now a month later HE pops back in, still doesn't have a car or making an effort to "court" you (make or plan dates).

What!! C'mon! He invited me out to a nice date 3 DAYS ago!

Does every outing has to be a cenderella story!

He knows l'm very busy during week nights, he asked if l had a bit of free time and l said my wednesday night just openned and l have an idea! Etc etc.

He can organize and sweep me off my feet on a date Sunday, my next free time.

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, you know I'm not into fairy tales. 

And if you're OK with the dynamic being created, then no judgment from me.  

Forget "courting," wrong word,  I just find how this is playing out (thus far), questionable, that's all.  Considering what went down the first time round. 

I wish you the best of luck. 

 

Edited March 30, 2022 by poppyfields

[Gaeta]

We had a great time, we played trivial pursuits and had lots of laughs. I like the way he is with me in public and the way he is with others. 

He asked what my free time is this weekend so we will spend part of Sunday together, the plan is to go hicking. 

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Alpaca, question.  Were you the one to break up with him or did he? 

Gaeta, I dunno I think it's questionable that YOU ended it, he never bothered to ask why or even respond to your text, and now a month later HE pops back in, still doesn't have a car or making an effort to "court" you (make or plan dates).

I'm not a "princess" by any stretch but this just sounds off to me. 

But OK, give it a few and see if he 'steps up' as Alpaca's guy did.

He broke up with me 'technically'. 

Second time out, we started slowly. 

He helped me through a hard time. He was also getting over the loss of his mother.

It just kind grew from there.

Anywho, glad to hear about Trivia Night.

Have either of you given any indication of whether your values and hopes for the future are aligned? What's your take on that?

[Kamille]

I'm glad you had a great time. I am also astounded about how quickly you changed your mind about offering him drives to places. 

 

This makes me wonder: why did many, you included Gaeta, get so focused on the car being a problem that needed to be resolved? This likely is not something that is on his mind at all, since he has no clue that you just went from wanting to tell him he has to get a car within six months to deciding you're ok with being the main driver. At one point Gaeta, you even said: he's a cyclist, "problem solved". 

Did anything need to be resolved already? And how can things be resolved without you asserting your needs, seeing his response and hearing him out and working it out together? Why are you doing all this relationship work on your own?

 

I'm pointing this out because you might, like many of us, be so excited about having him back in your life that you want to think about him, and the path of least resistance when we want to think about someone we hardly know is to focus on something that makes us anxious instead of staying in the moment and focus on things that keep us balanced, be the things that keep us balanced thinking about his smile, or caring for others, or enjoying an activity.

Dating is difficult because it taps into our vulnerabilities and makes us want certainties where none can be had. You sound like a problem solver, which I am sure has served you well in life. Avoid making up problems until you truly know that there is an issue. That's after you've talked to him about something that bothers you, not before. 

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Kamille

[Gaeta]

@Kamille: Thank you, lots of food for thoughts. 

I am not driving him to places, I am driving us to places. He doesn't have a car for the moment and I have to accept it and roll with it, if I want to explore this. I have accepted the situation for the moment but I know I cannot accept 'no car' permanently. Yes some of you said to let him figure it out but it's not nice to let him ride 2 hours by bus to the mountain when I make it in 15 mins by car. You would all think it's ok a man pick me up if I was the one with no car, right? The bike is  great, he'll be able to move himself on his own but the temperature does not allow that right now. In my opinion in 3 or 4 weeks temperature will be perfect, the streets cleaned. 

But, the 'no car' is a problem. I can temporarily accept it, but it's a problem. It's an organizational problem, and it's a situation that interferes in how I view him as a man. 

I am not excited to have him back, it's nothing like that. Read my thread about Romeo, that's me excited lol. I was thinking about that on my ride back home last night. I was thinking: if this current guy had a car, would I be more excited about him. what does he bring to my life. When I was excited about a man I dated what did that man bring to my life to generate that excitement. 

As you see I'm in full analysis. 

 

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Gaeta said:

l don't want to be (again) that woman that gives too much too soon. 

Him driving your car, you're driving him places, helping him with language, bringing him cupcakes.

Again, why can't he meet you halfway on your dates?

[Happy Lemming]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

But, the 'no car' is a problem. I can temporarily accept it, but it's a problem. It's an organizational problem, and it's a situation that interferes in how I view him as a man

 

 

A few years back, I had a car that I couldn't get through the "Emissions Inspection" here and I had to junk it.  I still had my motorcycle and an old work truck (for fixing up houses), so I was in no hurry to go purchase a new car.

The woman I was dating (at that time) enjoyed riding on the back of my motorcycle.  On the few occasions when we needed to drive somewhere in a car, she drove.  (My old work truck was just unacceptable for dating -- it was indeed a work truck)

@Gaeta  How would you feel if he opted for a motorcycle as his main form of transportation??  They are A LOT cheaper to maintain, insure and fill up with gasoline.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Him driving your car, you're driving him places, helping him with language, bringing him cupcakes.

Again, why can't he meet you halfway on your dates?

He's not driving my car, I don't drive him places....I did drive us to places. I don't bring him anything.

When we meet at restaurants he meets me there, I don't pick him up. Previously I drove to his place, he cannot come to my place anyway I have a kid. If he had a car I'd still be driving to his place. 

[Allupinnit]

For some people it's not a problem not having a car.

Since I DO have one, it would be an issue for my man NOT to have one because you're right, it's going to be up to you to do all of the driving and I don't like that dynamic.  Having a car is expensive to maintain, pay tax on, keep gassed up, not to mention I LIKE having the man drive, it makes me feel cared for.  Driving everywhere literally puts you "in the driver's seat" and there is that element of control there.

As you can see from this post lots of folks are ok with paying someone else to drive them around, through Uber, same as paying someone else to clean your home IMHO.  A service.  And I don't feel like doing that for a man.

 

[Amanda92]

Gaeta, why are you doing it to yourself? You are a great person that deserves the best!

He is an adult man. You are not his mother. It was his decision to life far away from the center and to life without a car. You have no reason to worry how much he would pay for Uber, no reason to plan that he could ride a bike to your place, no reason to pick him up or to let him drive your car.

Please raise your standards - let him invite you for several dates, don't care about his transportation and stop dating men that you are not excited about.