Picking up where we left off after one month

[FMW]

I agree with @NuevoYorko, unless you are willing to take him as he is - right here and right now - don't keep seeing him hoping things will change in the future.  Maybe they will, but most likely they will not.  

If you are enjoying him now maybe it's as much about you being willing (at least in the short term) to go with the flow with his choices for his life as much as it is about him working to change what you didn't like about your previous experiences with him.  

I love my guy and he's really wonderful - but there are things about him that sometimes I don't find so awesome.  I am sure he feels the same about me.  The thing is that the positives outweigh the less than positives and I recognize when  certain things are not really that important and I let go of my expectations for him to be a certain way.  I think in any lasting relationship you have to decide what is absolutely necessary for you to be happy and lighten up on the rest.  That doesn't mean you put up with abuse, neglect, infidelity, etc.  But the car situation is something you will have to decide for yourself whether or not you can go with the flow with him or not. 

As has been suggested, if you want to keep seeing him you may need to let go of the need to "manage" that particular issue and wait and see what he is going to do about it.  You've expressed your feelings to him, now see what he does.  If you feel the need to keep addressing the issue with him, things probably aren't going to work out.   If you don't like what he does, you can choose to stop seeing him.   

[Gaeta]

As he is, is undefined at this time.

We dated 3 weeks in February.

Some people express their affection to the others faster/slower. When he writes to me it's always with kisses & hearts and he writes 3-4 times a day. In the past I did not reciprocate in that nature, l am slower in that department, l didn't initiate as much as he did, l picked up 1 call out of 3.

This time l'm changing my attitude and will give him time to show me who he is.

It's not  marriage, it's dating.

[poppyfields]

Gaeta, I was hesitant to write this but decided I couldn’t stay quiet, so I will say my piece and then leave you to it  No need to even respond, only to think about and reflect.

What I’m sensing from your experience with this man is that you’re attempting to fit a square peg into a round hole (i.e. forcing your relationship versus allowing it to happen naturally, organically based on mutual attraction and respect).  Why?  He’s your only option at the moment and when we lack options or the opportunity to acquire more options, we cling to the one who has potential but unfortunately isn’t quite right.

This goes back to something @Allupinnit posted earlier too about telling ourselves the reason a man returns is because he couldn’t stop thinking about us or getting us off his mind. Believing this is very flattering, however it’s an illusion based on nothing more than ego and has no basis in fact.  It’s a story we tell ourselves and nothing more.

I can’t speak for you of course, but I still find it very questionable why he returned after one month after you ended it.  What changed?  What happened during that month that caused him to suddenly want to reach out?  He had an entire month to reach out, heck he didn’t bother reaching out after your break up text, so again what changed?  Why now?

Oh he gave a great “song and dance,” even attempted to gaslight you by claiming confusion why you used the word “amant” suggesting that your using that word was the reason he behaved as he did (lack of effort and well, just plain thoughtless).

What a load, sorry.  

I don’t like this guy, I didn’t the first time around and I don’t now, but that’s neither here nor there.  I just think you could do AND deserve so much better, I wish you thought so too Gaeta, you do NOT have to settle for this.

What I’d like to see you do is once the weather warms up, put on your prettiest summer dress, favorite sandals, and drive to the village and walk around.  Or find a cool spot to sit and observe, enjoying an ice cream or your favorite coffee drink.

When you see an attractive man alone, make eye contact and smile!  Be open and approachable.

I can almost guarantee men will return your gaze and approach, even if it’s for a totally lame reason. 

But from there you can chat and see what develops.  Continue OLDing if you want, but it should not be your only source to meet men IMO.  

You need abundance Gaeta.  Just my take but right now you appear to be a dry spell, lacking options and when this man reached out after one month, you were flattered and are clinging to it, again attempting to force something that imo from both your threads, is just not happening.  It wasn’t the first time and isn’t now.

Again, no need to respond, in fact please don’t because you’ve been very quick on the defensive with this man, so it would serve no purpose.

Just take some time and consider ALL our words in both your threads, reflect, and then do what you believe is best for you and what will make you happy.

Edited April 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Yes l will tell him, at the time he suggested it l didn't analyze it but it's a very yukky time of the year, raining a lot, snow melting. 

He seems to be all about low investment. You are doing most of the investing. Driving, paying for fuel, planning, doing what he wants (cheap/free), etc.

He doesn't even want to have to make the bed/do laundry after sex or get dressed in clothes when you show up.

When  you scale way back from overdoing it, you will see whether he is interested or just cheap/lazy.

Edited April 1, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

As he is, is undefined at this time.

We dated 3 weeks in February.

Some people express their affection to the others faster/slower. When he writes to me it's always with kisses & hearts and he writes 3-4 times a day. In the past I did not reciprocate in that nature, l am slower in that department, l didn't initiate as much as he did, l picked up 1 call out of 3.

This time l'm changing my attitude and will give him time to show me who he is.

It's not  marriage, it's dating.

curious….

 

how much dies a typical car cost in Canada? How much dies insurance snd gas cost?  Taking into account what sort of car standards you expect.

Are you worth spending that X amt per month the next 5 yrs on top of the dating costs?

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

curious….

 

how much dies a typical car cost in Canada? How much dies insurance snd gas cost?  Taking into account what sort of car standards you expect.

Are you worth spending that X amt per month the next 5 yrs on top of the dating costs?

You can get a car for every budget. His last one was around 30K. At our age insurance is affordable, gas here runs at $7/gallon since the war.

I don't expect any type of car. When l met my ex he was driving and old rusted station wagon. I didn't care.

He needs to understand dating without a car will not be hard just with me, it will always be an issue. If he does not learn it now, he will learn it with the next woman.

[Kamille]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

 

He needs to understand dating without a car will not be hard just with me, it will always be an issue. If he does not learn it now, he will learn it with the next woman.

Please stop this now.

You are thinking for him, again, and now you are thinking for others. You have no idea how this impacts his dating life with others. All you know is how it affects you.

And apparently, the way it affects you is that you feel you owe him rides. I don't understand why, but this seems to be very anchored in you. You believe that since you have a car, you're obligated to pick him up for dates, as though he would holf it against you if you didn't. Honestly I am guessing here. I don't understand why you feel responsible for this man's transportation.

 

Is there any way for you to not try to solve this issue until your next date? Go date to date. If you don't want to often him a drive, don't. If you feel obligated, tell him this. See how he responds. Stop trying to think for him.

 

 

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He needs to understand dating without a car will not be hard just with me, it will always be an issue. If he does not learn it now, he will learn it with the next woman. 

Oh I think he understands it now without your having to tell him Gaeta, the man is 50+ years old.

There is only one reason he isn't buy a car right now and it's not because he's waiting for the "right" one, it's because he does not want to. 

Not having a car allows him to remain at a very safe distance and I don't mean physical distance but emotional distance. 

It's the perfect built in excuse for not spending more time and putting in more effort - to drive to you, take you out on dates and get/be close.

Edited April 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He needs to understand dating without a car will not be hard just with me, it will always be an issue. 

But it's not hard with you. You seem ok doing the driving. Is he broke or cheap? Which one? Either way, run. 

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When he writes to me it's always with kisses & hearts and he writes 3-4 times a day.

He's got great "text game" that's all that is, nothing more and nothing less.

Try to not be taken in by a man's great text game, texting does not a relationship make, or even dating imo.  It's texting and some men are better than others and use it to their advantage. 

Focus on actions and make your decision whether or not to continue seeing him based on that. 

 

Edited April 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

59 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You can get a car for every budget. His last one was around 30K. At our age insurance is affordable, gas here runs at $7/gallon since the war.

I don't expect any type of car. When l met my ex he was driving and old rusted station wagon. I didn't care.

He needs to understand dating without a car will not be hard just with me, it will always be an issue. If he does not learn it now, he will learn it with the next woman.

For some it's not that hard to date without a car or even marry a spouse who drives (but that person doesn't drive or even have a license). It takes two and depends on the couple, what their values or interests are, maybe there are health implications or other reasons for not having a car or driving. Financially it may not make sense to him now or for a long while and you date to find that out about a person, not to change them.

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

  Why?  He’s your only option at the moment 

I just want to say that I understand the concept of running out of options but I am not online and I am/was not looking. I decided to take a second look, that's all. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Kamille said:

You believe that since you have a car, you're obligated to pick him up for dates, as though he would holf it against you if you didn't. Honestly I am guessing here. I don't understand why you feel responsible for this man's transportation.

Is there any way for you to not try to solve this issue until your next date? Go date to date. If you don't want to often him a drive, don't. If you feel obligated, tell him this. See how he responds. Stop trying to think for him.

The bus is cold, uncomfortable, the road is long and it stinks diesel, and I guess I feel like a bad person knowing that while I drive in my warm comfortable car my date is sitting on a dirty uncomfortable plastic bench. Yes it's HIS choice, I get that, but I feel like a bad person. 

[basil67]

If public transport bothered him as much as it bothers you, he would have gotten himself a vehicle  

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The bus is cold, uncomfortable, the road is long and it stinks diesel, and I guess I feel like a bad person knowing that while I drive in my warm comfortable car my date is sitting on a dirty uncomfortable plastic bench. Yes it's HIS choice, I get that, but I feel like a bad person. 

Gaeta, I think it's important that you allow a man to be a man and take care of his own business. 

You're not his mother and he's not your son; as an adult man his comfort or discomfort especially in this regard and at this very early stage, is HIS to worry about, not yours.

Anything other than that and you risk emasculating him and him seeing you as a mother figure instead of a beautiful sexual woman to fall in love with. 

You also risk him becoming lazy feeling like he doesn't need to make an effort because you're picking up his slack. 

My dad told me one of the ways men fall in love is by making effort and "doing." 

So let him make the effort and "do," let him move mountains if that's what he wants to do, your job in this very early stage is to be thankful for his efforts and reciprocate.

Once a relationship is established you can start doing, and being more aware of his comfort (and vice versa), but for now, let go of trying to control things, he's a grown man, he knows what needs to be done. 

Let him do it and if he doesn't, then that speaks volumes too, and you can then decide what YOU want to do - continue seeing him or moving on. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

The bus is cold, uncomfortable, the road is long and it stinks diesel, and I guess I feel like a bad person knowing that while I drive in my warm comfortable car my date is sitting on a dirty uncomfortable plastic bench. Yes it's HIS choice, I get that, but I feel like a bad person. 

That crossed my mind too. It’s all very neat in theory. I do think it’s his choice and also up to him to arrive to a place on his own regardless. 

I became aware of my prejudice in regards to public transportation when I felt the same way picking up a friend but I also realize my feeling sorry for the situation is my problem not anyone else’s. That friend is perfectly happy taking the train or bus when coming to visit. 

You don’t have to do it your way all the time. I’m sure you’ll both find a middle ground since you enjoy one another’s company. 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

The bus is cold, uncomfortable, the road is long and it stinks diesel, and I guess I feel like a bad person knowing that while I drive in my warm comfortable car my date is sitting on a dirty uncomfortable plastic bench. Yes it's HIS choice, I get that, but I feel like a bad person. 

I'm not sure what about this makes you feel like a bad person.

Knowing you are not.

His 'apparent' wealth allows him to buy expensive bicycles and enjoy his life just fine.

This isn't a puppy that needs to use a tushie wipe.

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Alpaca

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I just want to say that I understand the concept of running out of options but I am not online and I am/was not looking. I decided to take a second look, that's all. 

Agreed. You’re not marrying this guy. Just keep dating him. I can’t believe the big deal people are making about the car. Honestly who cares? It’s just a car at one point in his life. He’s had a car before, he doesn’t now. Doesn’t really mean much about him as a person. If you want to keep dating him, carry on. You’re not losing anything.

[glows]

I don’t think anyone has a problem with him not having a car nor is anyone simultaneously making a “big deal” of it. 

 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Agreed. You’re not marrying this guy. Just keep dating him. I can’t believe the big deal people are making about the car. Honestly who cares? It’s just a car at one point in his life. He’s had a car before, he doesn’t now. Doesn’t really mean much about him as a person. If you want to keep dating him, carry on. You’re not losing anything.

Strange response.  Have you read the entire thread?

Him not having a car isn't the issue. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 my date is sitting on a dirty uncomfortable plastic bench.  

Is he destitute or just cheap? Dating is not volunteering or charity work.

Why not volunteer with organizations that you respect, maybe a hospital or animal shelter or something?

Dating is not social work or mothering.

[Amanda92]

On 4/2/2022 at 5:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

He seems to be all about low investment. You are doing most of the investing. Driving, paying for fuel, planning, doing what he wants (cheap/free), etc.

He doesn't even want to have to make the bed/do laundry after sex or get dressed in clothes when you show up.

When  you scale way back from overdoing it, you will see whether he is interested or just cheap/lazy.

So true! It's so sad, but it sounds more like being a "call-girl". During first weeks men should do everything to impress a woman! In relationship people usually invest 50:50, but in the beginning of dating a man should invest more! It's like 70:30. [ ] 

If you say he had money, then he can take a taxi. He is not poor. He is a big boy and will be okay without your picking him up, trust me. Don't feel bad, it's not your duty.

Does he at least pay for dates? How many times went you out? Please let him be a man because you deserve to be treated like a woman.

Edited April 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
promoting commercial entity

[Kamille]

13 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The bus is cold, uncomfortable, the road is long and it stinks diesel, and I guess I feel like a bad person knowing that while I drive in my warm comfortable car my date is sitting on a dirty uncomfortable plastic bench. Yes it's HIS choice, I get that, but I feel like a bad person. 

He'd be taking the bus in Montreal in 2022, not in a Victor Hugo novel. Montreal public transit is used by over a million people a day. There's heat, the seats are fine, the buses are now cleaned daily and some of those buses are eco-friendly. 

How do you think he gets around on his other outings? Or do you imagine he stays home all day and only gets out for your dates?

Also, he's an avid cyclist who suggested hiking in April. He might be part of the growing tribe of people who for prefer ecological and active transit over cars. Ask him.

No matter, the point is, this guilt of yours belongs to you, not him. Try not jumping to offer a ride or "rescue" him and see how things go. 

 

The issue isn't the car or the rides. The issue is that you're struggling to set a boundary for yourself (feeling ambivalent about being the driver) over something he never clearly asked for (rides). You decided for the both of you what it all meant, based on your own values, without making room for your own desires or his values.

Edited April 2, 2022 by Kamille

[Gaeta]

I blocked and deleted him this morning.

We had a misunderstanding over messenger last night and he lashed at me and moralized me! I told him to calm down like 3 times.  When l went back to messenger he had written l was right and he had deleted 27 of his previous messages..wth!

I'm not dealing with a man that talks to me like he's my father! Holy cow!!

[glows]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I blocked and deleted him this morning.

We had a misunderstanding over messenger last night and he lashed at me and moralized me! I told him to calm down like 3 times.  When l went back to messenger he had written l was right and he had deleted 27 of his previous messages..wth!

I'm not dealing with a man that talks to me like he's my father! Holy cow!!

Wow. What was the disagreement about?