Suntanna Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 So gonna try to keep a long story short, been married 4 years have a beautiful 2 year old son every since we had him my husband has changed. Admitted he’s jealous of our son has never helped me with him. Example he’s gave him 1 bath in 2 years I’ve worked full time and also taken care of our son. My husband has admitted to anger issues said I’m trashy etc, in the heat of the moment when we fight. I kicked him out a week ago because of anger issues he’s never hit me or my son but he has said some extremely mean things to me along with throwing things. Example after I had our child one of our dogs had puppies I was in the process of finding good homes for. He woke up one morning wanting rid of them so he went outside with his hunting rifle threatening to shoot them he proceeded throw one then shoot the gun in the air all while I had my son inside and I was looking out the window When I kicked him out he’s said he’s going to change but I think I’ve finally had enough. He said he didn’t want to live and couldn’t live without me which had made me feel so bad and I’m human and think what if he can change but it’s been two years and he’s just now saying he will change and go to therapy. I guess what I need is how to cope with this process, I’ve already went to a lawyer and I’m having the papers drawn up but he’s holding onto hope. Thanks in advance for all advice good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 Read up on domestic violence. You need to put your and your child's safety first. Suicide threats are part of domestic violence. He has firearms. What if he tosses your child in the air and shoots it for fun next time? Talk to trusted friends and family. Get a restraining order. If you don't remove your child permanently from this danger, he may be taken away from you. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 Concentrate on getting your son out of this house and being very clear with your lawyer about custody and what you wish for the safety of your child. Your husband is abusive and uses fear to control and intimidate you. Please don’t fall for the Jekyl/Hyde flips in personality from abuse to pleading for forgiveness or trying to be nice. You know none of it is true and the relationship is a ticking time bomb. It’s only a matter of time before you or your son are hurt or worse. Do you have family close by or friends who can help you get back on your feet? What does your lawyer suggest? Find support and counselling immediately with a women’s shelter or aid and check out resources and help there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 29, 2022 Share Posted March 29, 2022 12 hours ago, Suntanna said: I’ve already went to a lawyer and I’m having the papers drawn up but he’s holding onto hope. Usually one spouse is still holding onto hope that the divorce won't take place. My ex husband held on too but I kept pushing forward to what was best for me. That is what you'll have to do for you and your son. When a man tells you he doesn't want/can't life without you that's dangerous because what will he do to keep you from leaving. Be cautious in your exit plan. He will not change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suntanna Posted March 31, 2022 Author Share Posted March 31, 2022 I went today paid my lawyer and signed my portion of the papers and came up with a parenting plan and my soon to be ex husband will be served with papers next weekend. Hopefully the process will be easy and he will let me go without a fight! Thank you all for your input! ❤️ 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 You might want to consult with a local domestic violence group to do some early thinking about what you should do if your husband directly escalates the threats to harm himself if you don't reconcile. BTW: reconciling under threat is a terrible idea. It's understandable why people do that. But that's a terrible idea. The person making the threats will ... continue to make threats at the next argument or separation. And the next ... Right now, your job is to make sure you scrub yourself of all denial and be very clear: how capable is your husband of hurting you and the kid? You got to really imagine him desperate and imagine the worst ... Being naive is not your friend in this situation. Congrats for kicking him out. Now go consult with domestic violence groups so you can anticipate a possible next move. You want to think about what to do ahead of time because in the moment things are too scary, cortisol emergency hormones set in, fight-flight-freeze set in and it's impossible to do any creative thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 31, 2022 Share Posted March 31, 2022 2 hours ago, Suntanna said: Hopefully the process will be easy and he will let me go without a fight! Thank you all for your input! ❤️ It will not be easy so don't count on that. Are you waiting around for him to be served the papers before you leave? If so, that's a very bad decision. He will already be upset about being served and then to see you walk out with his son his temper will escalate. You need to be already gone and in a secure, safe place when he is served. Make sure you have relatives with you when you decide to leave and pack your things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suntanna Posted April 1, 2022 Author Share Posted April 1, 2022 I have already kicked him out he has been gone over a week I owned the house prior to us getting married I have cameras and alarms on every door. My parents also just live across the field @stillafool 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 1, 2022 Share Posted April 1, 2022 Well since he's already gone I doubt you have much to worry about. Plus your parents being right across the field is a good thing. I"m sure your Dad has protection. Do you feel better now that he's gone and the papers will be served? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suntanna Posted April 9, 2022 Author Share Posted April 9, 2022 We sign the divorce papers next week and he’s still begging me back, I feel like if you love someone you don’t put them through everything he has me, he says well I apologize when I say stuff I don’t mean or do things I don’t mean. I don’t feel like an apology fixes it. I’m having a hard time because all he does is beg for me to take him back. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 You’re right that an apology doesn’t fix it. For an apology to mean something, it must come with an understanding of how our actions hurt the other party and a determination to make sure it never happens again. About the only thing which should have any chance in turning this around is him volunteering to attend classes on anger management. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 1 hour ago, basil67 said: About the only thing which should have any chance in turning this around is him volunteering to attend classes on anger management. I would also require him to get rid of the gun. That said, I would never raise children in a home with a man who has anger issues, is emotionally abusive, has threatened to harm animals, has threatened self harm. That’s just not a safe environment for a woman or a child. You made a good decision OP. You are putting your child’s safety and well-being above all else. That’s what a mother is supposed to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 9, 2022 Share Posted April 9, 2022 3 hours ago, Suntanna said: We sign the divorce papers next week and he’s still begging me back, I feel like if you love someone you don’t put them through everything he has me, he says well I apologize when I say stuff I don’t mean or do things I don’t mean. I don’t feel like an apology fixes it. I’m having a hard time because all he does is beg for me to take him back. Stop talking to him. Mine begged me too as many do (both men and women) who don't have mutual feelings about the divorce. You have to either block and ignore. I changed my phone number. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 10, 2022 Share Posted April 10, 2022 21 hours ago, Suntanna said: We sign the divorce papers next week and he’s still begging me back, I feel like if you love someone you don’t put them through everything he has me, he says well I apologize when I say stuff I don’t mean or do things I don’t mean. I don’t feel like an apology fixes it. I’m having a hard time because all he does is beg for me to take him back. You are right. An apology does not fix it. You do not want him as the example for your son. He should seek anger management classes, but not in the hope of getting you back. He should want to seek anger management classes to better himself moving forward so that he will be a good father to your son. Stand your ground and do not talk to him unless it directly involves the care of your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suntanna Posted April 13, 2022 Author Share Posted April 13, 2022 On 4/1/2022 at 10:18 AM, stillafool said: Well since he's already gone I doubt you have much to worry about. Plus your parents being right across the field is a good thing. I"m sure your Dad has protection. Do you feel better now that he's gone and the papers will be served? I feel better most of the time but it’s hard for me sometimes also. I want to give in but then I think of everything we have been through and all he’s put me through mentally. I just feel guilty because I’m causing my son to grow up in a broken house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Suntanna Posted April 13, 2022 Author Share Posted April 13, 2022 On 4/10/2022 at 7:25 AM, vla1120 said: You are right. An apology does not fix it. You do not want him as the example for your son. He should seek anger management classes, but not in the hope of getting you back. He should want to seek anger management classes to better himself moving forward so that he will be a good father to your son. Stand your ground and do not talk to him unless it directly involves the care of your son. He said he would go to therapy if I wanted him to I said he should want to go for himself not because of me. He has been begging me back over and over again. He told me he never changed because he never thought I would ever leave him. Now he’s saying he will completely change and never do anything like that again and I just find that hard to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 13, 2022 Share Posted April 13, 2022 8 minutes ago, Suntanna said: I just feel guilty because I’m causing my son to grow up in a broken house. You aren't causing your son to grow up in a broken home, your stbxh is. Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted April 13, 2022 Share Posted April 13, 2022 4 hours ago, Suntanna said: He said he would go to therapy if I wanted him to I said he should want to go for himself not because of me. He has been begging me back over and over again. He told me he never changed because he never thought I would ever leave him. Now he’s saying he will completely change and never do anything like that again and I just find that hard to believe. Firstly, well done pulling the plug on this relationship - leaving manipulative situations like that is extremely hard. Secondly, you're right not to believe him! When I split with my abusive ex, he promised to change, go to therapy and be a better partner almost immediately. All of a sudden it was so easy to solve our problems and oh if only I'd brought them up sooner and more directly, pah!, he could have changed years ago!! That's the narrative they feed you because they have just lost a huge source of their narcissistic supply (another reason why people like this absolutely hate it when their partners become an actual parent to their children - they are no longer the centre of attention) and they start to panic and promise anything and everything to make you stay so they can make it even harder for you to leave next time. Stay strong, and I hope you both stay well and safe! Link to post Share on other sites
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