Breakup Timeline and Grieving Process - First 4 Weeks

[mtnbiker3000]

Time Line:

September 2020 – Began dating. Some ups and downs, but mostly a very caring and fun relationship. Good communication and a general desire to treat each other well. But some difficulty in identifying, expressing and satisfying needs (both of us).

December 2021 – Warning signs from her start to appear (comments, behaviors, actions, etc)

January 2022 – Sex slows and eventually stops late in the month. Also health issue preventing sex (her) and new puppy arrive.

February 2022 – Puppy is a major strain on the relationship. Health issue resolved mid-month. Regardless, all romance, intimacy and physical touch has ended.

March 2022 – Resentful and disrespectful behaviors from her increase. Many red flags for me!

March 5th – After much consideration, I reluctantly end the relationship (face to face).

 

**Using Rubler-Ross Model of Grief Stages for the following:

Post Breakup Week 1

She states (by text) she is struggling and requests we attend and “un-coupling” meeting with our couples counselor the following Saturday. I agree and attend mostly as a courtesy to her – I didn’t really want to. Mixed feelings of DENIAL and some ANGER. Not feeling too terrible about breakup this week.

Post Breakup Week 2

A few random texts each direction sharing feelings, sorrow, sadness and apologies for behaviors. Last of items are returned to each other on Thursday (I dropped them off while she was at work) and NC initiated by me, blocking all contact methods. Mostly feelings of ANGER. Still somewhat easy to handle breakup at this stage.

Post Breakup Week 3

It is Spring Break this week and staying occupied with other things. Still mostly in ANGER stage, but some BARGAINING (all internal) and DEPRESSION later in the week.

Post Breakup Week 4

Sunday: This was a rough day. Had intense conversation with my counselor whom I have worked with before and started to dig deep into my behaviors. Also on LS and reading No More Mr Nice Guy for the second time. Too much analysis and overwhelmed by confusion and frustration with myself. Very little sleep that night.

Yesterday: First day back at work on Monday was difficult. Bouncing between BARGAINING and increasing DEPRESSION. Seeing my mistakes and accountabilities much more clearly. A lot of internal BARGAINING. Much harder to handle breakup at these stages. Still some ANGER too. Taking a break from reading book and LS for a bit (with the exception of this post).

Today: Sleep was a little better but still not great. Sometimes feeling OK, other times cycling between ANGER, BARGAINING and DEPRESSION. Going out for a bike ride now. Hopefully sleep is better tonight!

Thanks for reading 😁 Comments welcome!

Edited March 30, 2022 by mtnbiker3000

[Happy Lemming]

My breakup routine...

Shower, head out to my local pub for a steak and a couple pints of Guinness, talk to people about anything (not about the breakup) to get my mind on other things.

One particular night, I got dumped at 6:00pm, I showered, went to this local sports bar, got a nice thick steak, and a pint of Guinness, started talking to this woman who sat down next to me at the bar.  (the place was busy, so not many seats available)  Talked about the local sports team playing on the screen, etc. by midnight I had a new girlfriend.

I see no reason to sit on my couch and make the dent in it any bigger, while I look at my four walls and re-hash in my mind all the things I did and how they could be interpreted.

I'd rather spend that time trying to find the next woman.

 

[mtnbiker3000]

Totally get what you're saying and there was a time when I would have the "get right back on the horse" mentality. However, I am definitely grieving the loss of someone I cared a great deal about and that simply takes time. Also, at this point in my life I am very interested in doing some work on myself in an effort to break some destructive patterns that have plagued me for many years, in several life domains, before I make another attempt. I'm quite confident I will find someone else, but I want to be a little better prepared when I do.

[divegrl]

I am so sorry friend. You can read some of my old break up posts and see how devastating they were for me. 

Months of sadness.

 

Not sure how many relationships you have had, but for me, each break up has gotten easier. 
 

What has helped me is to surround myself with community. You probably want to isolate right now, but that won’t help. Hand out with friends, families, really anyone. 
 

Realize you will have ups and downs. You will be feeling great one day and then horrible the next. This is normal.

 

And for me, I realized how much time I spent in the grief period of break-ups and how much life I missed out on. This helped move me forward. 
 

Anyways hope all this helps. Take care!

[Alpacalia]

I usually enjoy my time, but one time I didn't and just went straight into party mode to numb the pain and because I was still feeling so low about myself, but afterwards I felt awful.

In the interim, it's always a good rule of thumb to ensure that you have your own hobbies, friends, and life goals in place before getting back on the horse.

Good luck on your journey forward!

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

Sometimes feeling OK, other times cycling between ANGER, BARGAINING and DEPRESSION. Going out for a bike ride now. 

Excellent you're getting some outdoor exercise. Best thing you can do.

It's still fresh so take your time to readjust.  It's been strained almost the whole time and virtually dead for months.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the insomnia, anger, depression, etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

The best thing you can do is take care of your health. Don't drown your sorrows or jump into rebound relationships. 

[glows]

You seem to think you’re a “nice guy” or a pushover when it comes to relationships. Is that the issue? 

[mtnbiker3000]

I would say definitely not a pushover. I do have opinions and have no problem voicing and advocating for them.. But, I do also have a deep rooted defense mechanism from early childhood (based on a fear of abandonment due to an emotionally absent and abusive father), which has regularly caused problems in my life. This is especially true with women and romantic relationships. I have hard time identifying, expressing and making my needs a priority for fear of upsetting or angering my partner. Rather, I tend to focus on my partners needs believing that this is the best method to make sure they stay with me and not abandon me. Also, I tend to make 'covert contracts' wherein I will complete a multitude of tasks or provide gifts and surprises for my partner, again in an effort to demonstrate value and keep them around. Tasks and gifts are not a problem unless they are used in a contract as I described. I believe this is called Giving to Get, and is very common among 'nice guys'!

The problem is, both of these behaviors ultimately sabotage the relationship. I discovered these things about myself a few years ago after another very difficult breakup which had me here on LS a while back. There is a book by Dr Robert Glover, 'No More Mr Nice Guy', that begins to uncover some of these things and there is a male support group here in Portland that uses this book, among other resources, as tools for men with similar issues, that I have recently rejoined in an effort to make sense of and modify some of these behaviors. I would wager than many, many people here on LS have similar issues, especially those that see the same patterns (and results) time and time again as I have.

[glows]

1 hour ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

I would say definitely not a pushover. I do have opinions and have no problem voicing and advocating for them.. But, I do also have a deep rooted defense mechanism from early childhood (based on a fear of abandonment due to an emotionally absent and abusive father), which has regularly caused problems in my life. This is especially true with women and romantic relationships. I have hard time identifying, expressing and making my needs a priority for fear of upsetting or angering my partner. Rather, I tend to focus on my partners needs believing that this is the best method to make sure they stay with me and not abandon me. Also, I tend to make 'covert contracts' wherein I will complete a multitude of tasks or provide gifts and surprises for my partner, again in an effort to demonstrate value and keep them around. Tasks and gifts are not a problem unless they are used in a contract as I described. I believe this is called Giving to Get, and is very common among 'nice guys'!

The problem is, both of these behaviors ultimately sabotage the relationship. I discovered these things about myself a few years ago after another very difficult breakup which had me here on LS a while back. There is a book by Dr Robert Glover, 'No More Mr Nice Guy', that begins to uncover some of these things and there is a male support group here in Portland that uses this book, among other resources, as tools for men with similar issues, that I have recently rejoined in an effort to make sense of and modify some of these behaviors. I would wager than many, many people here on LS have similar issues, especially those that see the same patterns (and results) time and time again as I have.

I see what you mean. Take a time out then as long as is needed and sort out any issues you feel are lingering. We’re all a work in progress. When you’re ready and comfortable to start mingling again it’ll come naturally. 

[Wiseman2]

Just be yourself. There's no reason to believe you're still damaged from childhood, especially in your late 40s. There's no reason to believe being a decent guy is a flaw or buying into the nice guys finish last mentality.

You weren't compatible. It's that simple. There were sexual problems all along not to mention many other issues.

The best thing you can do is take care of your physical and mental health. Quit bad habits such as excess drinking or too much time in front of a screen etc. Make sure you're following a different path than the one you state your parents did.

Edited March 31, 2022 by Wiseman2

[mtnbiker3000]

17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just be yourself. There's no reason to believe you're still damaged from childhood, especially in your late 40s. There's no reason to believe being a decent guy is a flaw or buying into the nice guys finish last mentality.

You weren't compatible. It's that simple. There were sexual problems all along not to mention many other issues.

The best thing you can do is take care of your physical and mental health. Quit bad habits such as excess drinking or too much time in front of a screen etc. Make sure you're following a different path than the one you state your parents did.

This is an excellent point!! When I'm trying to process a breakup, I tend to jump right over this idea. You're right... thank you for reminding me to just be OK with myself!!

Yes, there were some decisions I would like to do better next time, and some things I want to continue to work on, but I did a lot of things right as well. It just wasn't meant to be.

Not only was there sexual incompatibility, but from the get go we were also incompatible around social drinking. She did not drink at all (which I respected), but I do. My current counselor referred to this as both of us "rounding the edges" of this issue in a subconscious attempt to make it work (beginning of the RS). Although there were never any major issues that were called out specifically around drinking, I do believe it played a role in building resentment.

We also had conflicting needs when it came to some other fundamental ideas of basic relationship characteristics. Interestingly, when our couples counselor urged me to come back to the next session with a list of my needs (which I did), she seemed very disturbed and upset by my report. We didn't talk for a few days. I think she took it personally when all I was trying to do was reveal myself to her, at the request of our counselor. That was back in October / November. Then again, at the request of my own counselor, I tried again by simply telling her what was important to me in the relationship and even more significant, why it is important to me. I also invited her to take some time and come up with her own ideas to share with me in an effort to help reveal herself more to me. Again, she seemed to take this all very personally. That was the beginning of the end. She started checking out after that (January).