A second chance at a relationship. Having doubts but is it me or the situation?

[StevieAli15]

Hi all

I apologise for what may seem like a long entry but there is a lot of background to this story. 

I began dating my boyfriend (the first time around) last year. Unfortunately there were issues in the relationships, on both sides. From my perspective, he seemed happy only seeing me twice a week for a few hours. If I suggested having a day out together, that would go in place of an evening we would have, never as additional time together. He never introduced me to any family or friends, never took me on a date night, paid for anything, he kept his life from me very under cover including his work. He told me he worked and what his profession was but never once told me who he worked for.

I started to notice that he would interact with other girls on social media, liking their pictures and commenting but with me, it was as though I didn't exist. When I asked him about this, he blocked me on in social media and commented 'problem solved'. He talked to random people on occasions when we did go out but I never really worked out if he wanted attention, whether he was flirting or whether that was just him. Either way, he is a very 'in your face' person.

I always questioned my part in his life as he kept some big things from me I.e. he wouldn't have kids, was reluctant about getting married, live with someone etc. He told me I would never control him and that if he wanted to do things I.e. holidays without me, he would and I'd have to deal with it. He even said I wasn't invited to his birthday celebrations in which all his friends and their partners attended because I don't have to be involved in everything and I had the 'privilege' to see him on the actual day.

Before we broke up, he told me to come over and we would speak the weekend together. When I got to his flat, he wasn't in or he pretended not to be. This happened a few times previously. I couldnt just drop in unannounced. Of course on the last occassion,  that marked the end for us and I was heartbroken. Completely. l loved him and had put so much effort into making sure he knew that. 

 

Over the time we were apart, we exchanged messages, not all of which were nice from him but I still had strong feelings for him and I suppose being confused as to his behaviour, was holding on to those and wanted to at least clear the air with him at best as it was very open ended. 

He was adamant he did not care for me nor did he want to reconcile. However, late last year, in a general (and amicable) conversation, he hinted at me to see him, which, I did. We had a discussion about what happened but he said said still loved me and he was angry about things last time. He also said over time he realised his feelings. We agreed to give it a try but I'm starting to doubt. 

I often think about about the messages prior to seeing each other again, where he was adamant he would not want a relationship with me again and wonder why all of a sudden he had a changed of heart. He explains it that over time, he got less annoyed (what he was annoyed about I have no idea) and realised he still cared. That being said, he has never apologised for anything he said or did wrong. 

We have done a few things together sice getting back together. A few date nights and he has asked me a few places whereas before, he wouldn't do that. I've met a few of his friends so at least I know they know I exist this time lol. He says he plans to take me to met people. He's more giving gift wise. I'm aware we live in an equal society and I am more than happy paying my way but before, he gave nothing. Paid for nothing which made me feel a bit used. It was like he expected it. 

This all being said, he still keeps things from me. If he goes out with friends, he doesn't tell me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to know because I'm being nosey or controlling but I thought couples were open about things and I don't see why he hides things that are not a big thing. Again, I asked him about this and he completely changed. He told me that I didn't need to know everything and he wasn't going to tell me everything. In addition, he said he wouldn't be kept tabs on or told what to do despite this not being the case. I'm very open and tell him everything but he sees that as a bad thing. He told me he wouldn't tolerate my behaviour I displayed before, I.e  questioning him about the relationship and to be frank, he spoke to me like I was about 10 years old. 

He lied to me the firdt time around about a few things and made out I was crazy but it was a lie because I had proof but still didn't make a difference. Now when he tells me things, sometimes I do wonder if it is a repeat of last time. 

When we are in each others company, I feel loved, valued, like he doesn't want to lose me but when we are apart, it's the opposite. I don't know what is genuine and if what he says is true. I'm right back on the first round. I don't understand it at all and I'm.having a hard time working out if it's me or whether there is a motive behind this situation I.e. another reason as to why he wanted to reconcile so suddenly. 

I'm confused as to whether my doubts stem from the first time we dated or whether I am actually seeing real issues. 

[glows]

Does he work or support himself? You mentioned paying on all the dates yet he gives you gifts. This man doesn’t seem ready to date or be in a relationship. He’s too consumed with the idea of possibly being controlled or scarred from previous relationships or his past. If that’s how he’s always been as a person he may have other issues you’re not aware about.

This probably perpetuates your insecurity from the first break up and the way he treated you and it keeps going around in circles. You don’t feel what he does is enough and he thinks you’re overbearing. He pushes you away and you feel more unhappy, he comes back frustrated and you think he wants to reconcile.

He wasn’t treating you well at the start and I don’t think you’ve let go of that and that’s entirely your prerogative. Why get back together with someone you don’t like or respect? It’s frustrating for both sides. 

[StevieAli15]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

Does he work or support himself? You mentioned paying on all the dates yet he gives you gifts. This man doesn’t seem ready to date or be in a relationship. He’s too consumed with the idea of possibly being controlled or scarred from previous relationships or his past. If that’s how he’s always been as a person he may have other issues you’re not aware about.

This probably perpetuates your insecurity from the first break up and the way he treated you and it keeps going around in circles. You don’t feel what he does is enough and he thinks you’re overbearing. He pushes you away and you feel more unhappy, he comes back frustrated and you think he wants to reconcile.

He wasn’t treating you well at the start and I don’t think you’ve let go of that and that’s entirely your prerogative. Why get back together with someone you don’t like or respect? It’s frustrating for both sides. 

Hiya

Thank you for taking the time to answer. 

When I say he never paid things, that was the first time we dated. He was happy to sit back and let me pay for everything. Since getting back together, he has started taking a turn. 

When we reconciled, he wasn't frustrated at all. Quite the opposite. It's only when he thinks I question him he gets nasty. 

 

In terms of fear, I don't think he is scared. He is quite self aware and he can be quite arrogant. 

 

This is what confuses me so. If he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be as he wouldn't do anything he wouldn't want to. However I question why because he was adamant it would never happen, if that makes sense?

 

I'm trying to piece together whether he has changed, whether his feelings are genuine or whether he had another motive

[glows]

What other motive would he have? 

You don’t seem to like or trust him and called him arrogant. He condescends you or patronizes you perhaps speaking to you like you’re a child. Do you see the contempt you both have for one another? It’s a love/hate dysfunctional and untrusting relationship.

Neither one of you seem able to let go of each other or treat the other with respect. As soon as you saw he was disrespectful to you or didn’t treat you well at the start, he should have stayed out of your life. You’re also sabotaging any attempt at change in the second try with your past hurt and anger still at the way he has been inconsistent all along. All those feelings are valid. 

Maybe it’s time to face the music that you aren’t able to reconcile.