I am the other women and struggling

[Sar22]

I have searched many sites in hope for somewhere to ask honest questions about my affair.

I worked with my affair partner for 10 years, we didn’t really like each other for a lot of them, we became closer over the last 2 years which is when it started, it was just lots of talking, laughing, work related conversations, our interests etc so we then became physical - I am a married female who swore I would never ever cheat, so what I have done goes against everything I thought.

we have been on and off trying to walk away and not break our families, we do love each other (I believe it to be love and not limerence) we know each others flaws and have seen the worst of each other so we are not fantasising about a fairytale forverever after. Recently he was caught by text messages and we are now over- I said he needs to try and fix his relationship or he would never forgive himself and I said I will not be a option (plus I am married) so we have now fully cut contact (my request not his)

I have never ever felt so sad and tearful and just generally broken hearted - I am trying with my husband but I know we have not been right for many years, we have both discussed our issues and have nearly ended many times. I now feel I am with him for security as I am currently broken inside.

my af has been given a chance so they are trying which I feel is the right thing to do so they both know they have really tried, which I hope will help both their healing.

I would like to be single and date my ap - we said we were gonna date and get to know each other and make sure we like each other for the right reasons before he was caught, he told me he loves me a lot which is making me hurt more right now.

has anyone been through this, what was the outcome and how did you cope not being to talk to anyone about what has happened? 
 

many thanks 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Sar22 said:

I am trying with my husband but I know we have not been right for many years.. I would like to be single and date

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your despair and be frank about extramarital sex. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss what voids in your life led to this.

 Contact an attorney for advice on your situation and options in divorce. You are employed so you're not dependent on your husband.

Are children involved on this?

Do you have to see him at work? He is wise to end it and focus on his family.

Edited March 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

There's no way to know outcomes if that's what you're looking for. Probably the most likely one is that he stays with his wife, but there are certainly no guarantees of that in a Dday situation.

Although break-ups are often tough emotionally (both "regular" relationship ones and affairs), IMO you would be wise to focus on your own situation at this point and regard any possibilities of ending up with him as low probability ones. You seem to recognize that to some extent.

Do not be 100% shocked if your husband getd informed, as there are those in the world who insist the AP's spouse be told after a Dday. IF that happens, you marriage might end on a very different timeline than any you had planned (might, might not). IMO you should be prepared in case of that eventuality.

There is a tendency for people who have affairs to try to cling to their (often very unhappy) spouse after a Dday. IMO this is partly a result of brain chemistry (large drop in dopamine) as well as the major life changes entailed. After all, you are unhappy, but you chose to have an affair rather than simply leaving. At any rate, don't be shocked if you find your husband doesn't seem quite so bad all of a sudden.

That said, the state of a marriage is what it is, and people who are genuinely unhappy for long enough tend to leave, which seems to be what you are thinking. I think a main question for you is - do you need a (potential) partner to monkey-branch to in order to feel secure leaving? I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just noting that you seem to be in that "emotional state," which suggests you do not feel truly secure being on your own. No judgment (from me at least) - I suspect a certain % of unhappy marriages continue on for exactly this reason.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Sar22 said:

I have never ever felt so sad and tearful and just generally broken hearted - I am trying with my husband but I know we have not been right for many years, we have both discussed our issues and have nearly ended many times. I now feel I am with him for security as I am currently broken inside.

What are the issues in your marriage? 

People stay in unhappy marriages for many reasons and find ways to co-exist or at the very least remain legally married for their own reasons. 

The affair isn’t working out. Regardless of what you do with your spouse or what you both decide, you became a little too invested in the affair. What could he possibly say to fix the situation? They’re just words coming out of him with nothing substantial or actionable as he’s married to someone else and won’t commit to you. Do you think he’ll leave his wife? 

 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Sar22 said:

would like to be single and date my ap - we said we were gonna date and get to know each other and make sure we like each other for the right reasons before he was caught, he told me he loves me a lot which is making me hurt more right now.

Why didn't you guys go ahead with this plan after D-day?  That was the perfect time for you both to exit your marriages and make this happen.   Those are just words with nothing to back them up.

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Why didn't you guys go ahead with this plan after D-day?

Also my question. After your affair was discovered - would have been the perfect time to leave your marriages and be together. 

8 hours ago, Sar22 said:

we are not fantasising about a fairytale forverever after.

Clearly, you were if you were discovered and you decided to end your affair and stay/recommit to your marriages. Reality, meet fantasy. 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Sar22 said:

we said we were gonna date and get to know each other

Unfortunately, you learned that he didn't really mean it. When push came to shove, the above wasn't a sincere plan. 

I do know a woman who went through something similar. Once her AP broke things off, she sank into a deep depression. Her husband had no clue why, really. That affair never resumed - but she started another one maybe a year later, with someone else.  I don't think she was really into that man, but she was misguidedly looking for something to fill that void. And she got caught by her husband. 

Now she is divorced, and without any of these men in her life. She's not a happy woman. 

[Ashes84]

I think what's interesting about your situation is that you have some real clarity. You know you want to be single and date.

That's a gift really, you've discovered something about yourself through the affair.

I know you want to date the AP but whenever we date anyone it can end - that's why we date instead of getting married at first sight!

So if you want to be single you can be, if you want to date AP it might be possible (out of your hands really) but what about being single and just dating generally?

I know it feels like AP is the only one but he really isnt. Can you leave and be free? I suspect that if you were free a range of options might open up and AP wouldn't be the most attractive option. If I were you I'd concentrate on the idea of being single, let it perculate for a while while AP does his thing and you review your M and then, if it feels right, go for it.

Don't make it about AP!

Edited March 31, 2022 by Ashes84

[pepperbird2]

I may be making some erroneous assumptions, and if I am, I apologize.

You sound like the affair didn't really sit right with your moral compass, and I think that, over time, your conscience would have eaten away at you if you had kept the affair going. When the two of you talked about your future, did t seem "real" or was it more fantasy..."what if"?