Fell off the wagon!

[picaso3183]

Sorry if this is in wrong place - my previous post was not about no contact....

So two weeks ago I broke it off. A solid week of no contact. She txt, we hooked up, we tried to see eachother again but like always she went distant. 

I ended it ( again ) with her saying she is happy for casual. I considered it but declined as it would be too painful if she eventually met another guy or ended it.

So 2 days NC, then I had a beer with friends and decided to invite her round last night. She said she was in bed but i could go to hers. Immediately new it was wrong idea so I txt telling her so, apologising for contacting her and telling her i will delete her num so not to contacy her again.

So back to square one. Soooo hard not to contact

[glows]

You didn’t go over which was good self-control. You just need to work on not having her as your go-to whenever you feel lonely. Just go home and go to bed or engage in a hobby or do something else. Did you actually delete her number? 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

I had a beer with friends and decided to invite her round last night.

If you had a happy steady relationship with someone who cares about you and who you care about, this whole merry-go-round would not appeal to you at all.

If you struck out at the bar and drunk-texted her for a hookup, hopefully it's a low point enough to turn yourself around.

Delete and block exes from ALL your social media, messaging apps, contact lists and devices.

[picaso3183]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

You didn’t go over which was good self-control. You just need to work on not having her as your go-to whenever you feel lonely. Just go home and go to bed or engage in a hobby or do something else. Did you actually delete her number? 

Thanks Glows. I guess not going was a big step actually. Did not think it was last night.

Yeah i need to break the lonely cycle of going to her when down or bored.

Yes i did delete it and blocked on socials. Although not sure how strong i would be if she reaches out 

[glows]

Just now, picaso3183 said:

Thanks Glows. I guess not going was a big step actually. Did not think it was last night.

Yeah i need to break the lonely cycle of going to her when down or bored.

Yes i did delete it and blocked on socials. Although not sure how strong i would be if she reaches out 

Then block the number. Save yourself the hassle. 

Come up with a few things to do if you’re desperate. Think about it beforehand and just don’t respond to that impulse. Do something else.

[picaso3183]

22 hours ago, glows said:

Then block the number. Save yourself the hassle. 

Come up with a few things to do if you’re desperate. Think about it beforehand and just don’t respond to that impulse. Do something else.

Yeah blocked the number. Really tough today missing her but resisting the urge. Writing down thoughts and trying not to romanticise it. It was never going to work

[glows]

34 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Yeah blocked the number. Really tough today missing her but resisting the urge. Writing down thoughts and trying not to romanticise it. It was never going to work

Good! Keep doing this consistently and be true to yourself. 

[picaso3183]

Day 11 

 

No contact still. Still hoping she reaches out and texts me but I know she will not. Starting to think more and more she was already messaging another guy. Her loss I guess! So hard not contacting her 

[glows]

18 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Day 11 

 

No contact still. Still hoping she reaches out and texts me but I know she will not. Starting to think more and more she was already messaging another guy. Her loss I guess! So hard not contacting her 

Keep it up. Stay busy too. Do you have any projects you’re working on? 

[picaso3183]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Keep it up. Stay busy too. Do you have any projects you’re working on? 

Thanks Glow.

Not really, busy at work and share my daughter with ex so busy in that regard.

Feel pretty lonely at the moment despite having great friends and family. Guess it is a process and will hopefully pass soon

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Feel pretty lonely at the moment despite having great friends and family. Guess it is a process and will hopefully pass soon

It will. 

Even if she reached out to you now, it wouldn't signal any progress between the two of you. It would mean she is bored and looking for some handy entertainment. And then you'd be back to feeling like dog manure when she backed off again. 

[glows]

19 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Thanks Glow.

Not really, busy at work and share my daughter with ex so busy in that regard.

Feel pretty lonely at the moment despite having great friends and family. Guess it is a process and will hopefully pass soon

Glad you’re keeping busy with work and your daughter. Take time to do things for yourself too and maintain the home, make good meals and get comfortable with the quiet. 

It’ll pass soon. You may surprise yourself how much you enjoy the quiet to yourself as soon as you’re no longer missing her.

[picaso3183]

Thanks both. 

Update - my friend decides to tell me she is back online dating. Really felt like a punch to this stomach.

So I stupidly text her and we got into an argument. Feel rubbish now.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Update - my friend decides to tell me she is back online dating. Really felt like a punch to this stomach.

So I stupidly text her and we got into an argument. Feel rubbish now.

In some ways, maybe you needed to hear this in order to finally let go. 

I think you have been in denial for some time about her, and while a cold dose of reality hurts, it sometimes what we need to shake ourselves out of it and move on. We can't play mind games with ourselves anymore when the truth is staring us in the face. 

Delete and block her everywhere so you're not tempted to keep sticking your hand in the fire. 

[picaso3183]

Yeah possibly this could be good but I was actually doing really well on day 11. 

Lots of feelings now - angry at my friend for telling me, angry at her, sad realisation it definitely is over, bargaining that maybe I could rescue it....

Really frustrating as these feelings had all but gone 

[glows]

5 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Yeah possibly this could be good but I was actually doing really well on day 11. 

Lots of feelings now - angry at my friend for telling me, angry at her, sad realisation it definitely is over, bargaining that maybe I could rescue it....

Really frustrating as these feelings had all but gone 

Well, you know that annoying line people always say: “Healing isn’t linear.” It really isn’t. Keep on staying focused on your life and caring for your daughter and moving forwards. Now you know she’s looking for company, it may clarify a few things. It stings now but you’ll may heal faster. Keep going.

[picaso3183]

Glow -

5 hours ago, glows said:

Well, you know that annoying line people always say: “Healing isn’t linear.” It really isn’t. Keep on staying focused on your life and caring for your daughter and moving forwards. Now you know she’s looking for company, it may clarify a few things. It stings now but you’ll may heal faster. Keep going.

I really hope so Glow. I feel very down now, stirred up alot of feelings from last year with my ex.

 

But logic part of me is saying"her loss" now I know she basically used me for sex / company / attention. We were never compatible and too many issues for it to work. But it still hurts that it meant nothing to her. 

Other part of me wants to plead with her to try again. Also the thought of her with other guys cuts me up too.

But i am trying to put it into perspective and focus on myself and my daughter 

 

Thanks for your advice and help. It really amazes me the comfort this forum can give

[glows]

8 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Glow -

I really hope so Glow. I feel very down now, stirred up alot of feelings from last year with my ex.

 

But logic part of me is saying"her loss" now I know she basically used me for sex / company / attention. We were never compatible and too many issues for it to work. But it still hurts that it meant nothing to her. 

Other part of me wants to plead with her to try again. Also the thought of her with other guys cuts me up too.

But i am trying to put it into perspective and focus on myself and my daughter 

 

Thanks for your advice and help. It really amazes me the comfort this forum can give

Your loss of her is also your gain so no matter who lost who it’s only up from here. No need to plead. Someone who loves or cares about you would never reduce you to pleading in any way. When you feel the urge to do that remember that. 

Keep on keeping on. Summer is just around the corner. I’m not sure how old your daughter is. Maybe you can plan a few trips with her. To the park and the zoo and the beach and other things she may like. Fathers have such an impact on a child. I’m sure she looks up to you.

[picaso3183]

23 hours ago, glows said:

Your loss of her is also your gain so no matter who lost who it’s only up from here. No need to plead. Someone who loves or cares about you would never reduce you to pleading in any way. When you feel the urge to do that remember that. 

Keep on keeping on. Summer is just around the corner. I’m not sure how old your daughter is. Maybe you can plan a few trips with her. To the park and the zoo and the beach and other things she may like. Fathers have such an impact on a child. I’m sure she looks up to you.

Yes very true. I think I did start falling for her but to her it was just sex. The fact she moved on to date so quick is a sign of that. Makes me feel foolish. 

 

But yeah focusing on eating well, excercise and trips with my daughter. She is amazing and I need to be mentally ok for her 

[mtnbiker3000]

Be sure you learn a lesson here too, so as not to repeat the behavior(s) that led you here. It is very easy to do. Ask me how I know 🤪

It's very difficult to show who you are and see who she is when it's all roses and the oxytocin is flowing. But moving forward with the next girl, (yes, there will be another!) the sooner you both reveal yourselves to each other, the sooner you can both decide to invest and move forward, or not. You should never ask yourself "how can I make this work?", but rather "how can I show her exactly who she is dating?" Get real clear with your needs and stay away from covert contracts and other "pleasing" behaviors! 

Just my $.02...

 

[picaso3183]

18 minutes ago, mtnbiker3000 said:

Be sure you learn a lesson here too, so as not to repeat the behavior(s) that led you here. It is very easy to do. Ask me how I know 🤪

It's very difficult to show who you are and see who she is when it's all roses and the oxytocin is flowing. But moving forward with the next girl, (yes, there will be another!) the sooner you both reveal yourselves to each other, the sooner you can both decide to invest and move forward, or not. You should never ask yourself "how can I make this work?", but rather "how can I show her exactly who she is dating?" Get real clear with your needs and stay away from covert contracts and other "pleasing" behaviors! 

Just my $.02...

 

Sound advice. I am playing over what I did wrong. I feel I was very honest about what I wanted and clear about my feelings. What I have learnt is trust my gut ( and objective opinions of others like on here) and know when something is not right and walk away.

You are 100 per cent right. I foolishly thought I could make it work when deep down I knew she wasn't interested. But I hoped I could change her. 

Just wish I had walked away earlier before getting feelings for here.

[CK1dad]

Picaso this totally sucks for you man! 

I am in the same boat, still NC, missing her, but know deep down it will never be what I am after. I totally got used as a rebound, waiting for her to change her mind. 

You CANNOT ever change someone. The only time they will change is if they want to.

This person will just keep you on this mind-messing-merry-go-round forever if YOU let her. I get what happens when the loneliness kicks in, I totally get it! It's brutal, but with time you will get into a new pattern and you will be okay.

Imagine: you walk away, take the actual time to put all this behind you and let go. Now you are in a great mental space to meet someone who enthusiastically wants to meet you where you are at! No push / pull, no games, no mind f***, just someone who shows up with an open heart and mind. Can you imagine? It does exist.

You owe yourself the time and commitment heal from this. 

[mtnbiker3000]

2 hours ago, CK1dad said:

Imagine: you walk away, take the actual time to put all this behind you and let go. Now you are in a great mental space to meet someone who enthusiastically wants to meet you where you are at! No push / pull, no games, no mind f***, just someone who shows up with an open heart and mind. 

👆 This!!

Also, one thing that has been helping me to recover is to remember you can't think your way to freedom from the pain you are feeling. Thinking and the mental tower you might be currently existing in will keep you imprisoned! If possible try to feel your pain in your body and welcome it, embrace it and hold it with care and love. It is there for a reason. I know it sounds kind of out there, but it works!

[picaso3183]

On 4/12/2022 at 8:19 PM, CK1dad said:

Picaso this totally sucks for you man! 

I am in the same boat, still NC, missing her, but know deep down it will never be what I am after. I totally got used as a rebound, waiting for her to change her mind. 

You CANNOT ever change someone. The only time they will change is if they want to.

This person will just keep you on this mind-messing-merry-go-round forever if YOU let her. I get what happens when the loneliness kicks in, I totally get it! It's brutal, but with time you will get into a new pattern and you will be okay.

Imagine: you walk away, take the actual time to put all this behind you and let go. Now you are in a great mental space to meet someone who enthusiastically wants to meet you where you are at! No push / pull, no games, no mind f***, just someone who shows up with an open heart and mind. Can you imagine? It does exist.

You owe yourself the time and commitment heal from this. 

Thanks for this good to know you have been through this and come out of it.

Yes you are completely right as much as I miss her I keep repeating a mantra that " this would not work she will never give you what you want".

I am trying to keep busy and block any intrusive thoughts. All still raw and tough knowing she is dating other guys. 

 

[picaso3183]

Just over a week since I last spoke. Blocked her and deleted her number. Although I do have it saved on a scrap of paper. Getting easier but still miss her. Vivid dreams. Day dreams of her with other guys. 

She wants something back from me which I will have to return but just not ready to. Thinking of leaving it on her doorstep. But part of me hopes this will trigger something in her to get in touch. I know she wont and even if she did it is not healthy. 

Hoping another week I will feel a bit better