Making a Big Deal Out of Nothing?

[Acatnamedvirtute]

My husband and I have been together for eighteen years, married for ten. I'm 37 and he will be 40. I am going to try my best to make this short, but I am notoriously long winded and feel that the devil is in the details, so here goes...

We have had a few bumps throughout the course of our relationship/marriage:

1. Roughly after we moved in together (about seven years in), we were sharing a computer. He'd left his Facebook open and I received a notification that his old kinda-sorta high school girlfriend had messaged him. Up until this point, I had NEVER snooped on him until that moment. Curiouslity piqued, I opened the message chain and found that he'd initiated it, and that they'd been exchanging messages for a couple of weeks. It was all pretty innocent. In fact, the only thing that rubbed me the wrong way was that previous to my discovery, I'd wanted to meet some friends at our town's annual summer festival, and my husband (boyfriend at the time) really did not want to go. He'd told me to go on my own. In the message exchange, the old flame had asked if he was going to be at the town's festival, and he had responded that he was. I had no idea whether he was planning on going secretly to meet up with her and it made my stomach turn. We ended up going to the festival together that weekend, ran into her and had a very awkward exchange because she was clearly expecting to meet up with him alone. A few weeks later, during a fight, I brought it all up to him. He'd swore up and down he meant nothing by it, and was only hoping to get in touch with her because her father worked somewhere he was interested in applying. It all remained a red flag, and from there on, anytime we ran into some rough patches, I would immediately go through his web browser history, text messages, and Facebook chats, you name it, I dug and lurked. Not healthy, I know.

2. Fast forward four years, we'd gotten through that whole deal, had gotten married, had one child and another on the way. While cleaning out our closet, I'd found some women's underwear that clearly were not mine. He gaslit me, told me several different stories, only to find out that he was a bit of a pervy panty collector in his days before we'd gotten serious. He'd had a moment of weakness a few times throughout our dating/marriage, had taken those pairs of underwear from three separate acquaintances. We did the whole  marriage counseling and soul searching thing.

3. Fast foward about six-ish years to this past summer. For the most part, our relationship has been MORE than solid. I've been at a pretty good point in my life, finding a halfway decent work-life balance; our children are well-adjusted, kind, and wicked smart. I've prioritized my health, eating pretty decently and work out regularly and run 5Ks and 8Ks. I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm super attracted to my husband. I haven't snooped on his social media or texts in YEARS. Our friend group always comments how besides my job getting the best of me every now and then, I have my s*** together and my husband and I seem to have the model marriage. (That's not to say they aren't aware we have our peaks and valleys. We tell each other EVERYTHING, but still...) Anyway, I was texting my husband, complaining about our nine-year-old son. The children use an old iPad from my husband and it's still connected to his texting. I no sooner texted my husband when I heard the kids' iPad chime with a message. Remembering that either one of them could see the message, I blindly ran into the other room to delete it, and was shocked to open up the messaging app and find pictures of one of my best friends. I was LIVID. At first I was incredulous that this so-called tech savvy dummy was doing things that our children could possibly see, and then I was livid over the betrayal. In an instant, I was back to my insecure and spying ways. Turns out that my best friend's husband and my husband have been exchanging naked pictures of us for the past six months. Ultimately, this doesn't bother me. I love my best friend and I trust her with all my heart. And I trust my husband. He has some pervy tendencies, but they are not completely out of line, and for the most part, after this amount of years, I don't think he would act on them. He always succeeds in making me feel like the sexiest woman alive. But my best friend and her husband are going through a really terrible rough spot and it felt completely dishonest that he and my husband were getting their jollies doing this when at the moment, her husband was not making her feel like the sexiest woman alive. 

My husband and I have had a few conversations about it. He has been nothing but apologetic and contrite, and for the most part I feel like I'm over it, but I CANNOT. STOP. SNOOPING. The trust has been broken. I can't help it. 

I am a high school teacher and the transition to in-person learning has been hard. I teach at an at-risk school and many kids are not okay. Watching these students deal with past trauma and their inability to focus and get back into "school mode" is beyond frustrating and upsetting. I come home sad and exhausted most days. I'm struggling with the whole work-life balance thing, and my own kids have been having a harder-than-expected time dealing with the transition, too. I've been telling myself that we just need summer and we'll come back really and truly healed and ready to get back into it.

My husband recently started a new job that is a lot more responsibility and stress than his old job. For the first time in his career, he is now experiencing troubles with work life balance and work-related anxiety. Considering how often he's been there for me with similar problems, I am trying to do my best to be supportive and helpful, but it's so hard when I'm struggling too. On top of it, I tend to withdraw when I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed, whereas my husband lashes out and picks fights, especially with our seven-year-old daughter, who is stubborn as hell and prone to meltdowns. The past two weeks have been especially trying. He cannot deal with her in a patient, adult-like manner, and nearly every morning I have to referee some dramatic fight between the two of them. This is his pattern when he's going through something. I pointed it out to him several times, and there has been no change. For several months now, I've been urging him to seek therapy for his anxiety and depression, but he never goes through with it. I try to get him to work out with me, as I've found that regular work outs help me with my own mental health, but he always makes the excuse that if he joins me, there will be no one to watch the kids. (Never mind the fact that we can work out at home and the gym I go to has childcare that I'm already paying for.) He often makes me feel guilty for the fact that I work out and try to squeeze in early morning runs and try to attend group classes  around the children's activities and our weekly chores.

For the past two months, our intimacy has been dwindling. He rarely initiates sex, and often has a hard time getting aroused. Last weekend, he couldn't even get going. I know this is mostly due to his stress and anxiety and has nothing to do with him not finding me attractive, but I still felt hurt. I picked a bit of a fight at first, but he seemed so sad and ashamed, that I immediately told him I was sorry for making it about me, and told him we could start looking at ways to help this issue together. I said that first and foremost, we have to work on his stress, depression, and anxiety. He came home from work last night and went down in the basement to work out. It's spring break, and I've had plans to meet up with girlfriends for dinner for nearly two weeks. He came upstairs about ten minutes later saying he changed his mind; the kids hadn't eaten, and as I was going out, he should feed them and not make them wait. They'd eaten a big lunch later than usual and weren't hungry when I went to make them dinner. My son even said he'd just go ahead and make himself and his sister a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if they felt like it. I told my husband as much, but he wasn't having it and it seemed like he was trying to make me feel guilty for going out. After five minutes he snapped out of it and was back to his usual joking self, but the exchange weighed on my mind. Was I a bad wife for going out knowing my husband was feeling pretty low? Even though he pushes away all my efforts to help? 

And as usual, when I'm feeling insecure and upset, I went snooping the next day. The text messages with my best friend's husband  stopped the second I voiced my disapproval, and I haven't seen anything else alarming in his messaging app, but I did comb through his search history on Facebook and found that he has been looking up the profiles of any girl he's had any sort of crush on or remotely romantic interaction with (which isn't much when you've been with someone since your early twenties, but still...). The old kinda-sorta high school flame was in his search history, another girl he'd messed around with at some parties before we started dating, a girl he worked with that I knew he had a bit of a harmless crush on, our neighbor's super gorgeous 29-year-old daughter, the model-esque BFF of his sister. So. Many. Searches. And so often! He even went on a searching spree the night of our anniversary. We couldn't find a sitter so we took the kids to dinner with us. We came back home and I fell asleep while we were watching a family movie. Apparently he used the time I was snoozing to creep on girls. It may seem foolish, but I'm hurt. I know I haven't been a ray of sunshine this past year, and I definitely have my own shortcomings, but I do not have the history of breaking trust the way he has. I'm feeling really tired and betrayed, but also I don't want to admit to the extent that I've been spying on him. At the same time, his spats with our daughter aside, he is just the BEST dad and for the most part, a caring, conscientious husband who goes out of his way pretty regularly to make me feel acknowledged and special. I know he's just been having a reeeaaaaally low six months. 

So....am I making mountains out of molehills? Do I bring all this up to him? Or do I keep mum and just keep pushing for him to seek professional help like I've been doing? 

Again, sorry this is sooooo long, but I warned y'all, haha! 

TL;DR: Husband has a history of betraying trust, but none of this transgressions have gone as far as cheating. It has left me feeling insecure and prone to snooping off and on for the extent of our eighteen years together. Recently found out that he was exchanging naked pictures of me and my best friend with my best friend's husband. Feeling shook from that and we are now having troubles in the intimacy department  and he's been snooping on any and every girl in Facebook Land. He's struggling with depression/anxiety. Don't know whether to bring all this up or just push him into therapy. And blah! Even my TL;DR is long af. Sorry.

[glows]

Has he seen a doctor for diagnosis and treatment for depression and anxiety? 

The betrayal and appalling treatment of women overall sharing photos like that of each others’ wives like you’re commodities or pieces of meat is something else. You seem numb but functional and trying to care for everyone like they’re all in your class. Your husband who needs medical attention, your friend’s feelings, her husband who doesn’t treat her well and you put yourself last like most mums do. 

Have you seen a doctor lately for a health check up or tried counselling for yourself? Snooping becomes a slippery slope. I think the deeper you dig and the longer you do it for the less and less you recognize of yourself as it eats away at you. You’ll lose all sense of reality being a part of someone else’s double life or dysfunction/lies or betrayal. 

It seems far better to stop it right there and seek the appropriate help for yourself and if your husband refuses that help you’ll have to decide where you will want to go with your marriage.

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You seem very overwhelmed and burned out by your work, kids and marriage.

Start at the beginning. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health discuss the lethargy, anxiety and overall stress. Get tested for STDs. What you know is the tip of the iceberg.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell your husband. Keep everything private and confidential. Discuss your unhappy marriage, stressed with taking care of your kids and burnout with your career

Scale back on the snooping. Instead research your options in divorce as far as finances and child support. Consult an attorney for your particular situation. It doesn't mean you have to divorce but you can get informed.

Take better care of yourself. Your health in particular. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/31/2022 at 4:39 AM, Acatnamedvirtute said:

He'd had a moment of weakness a few times throughout our dating/marriage, had taken those pairs of underwear from three separate acquaintances.

What the heck. That is seriously disturbing, OP. That isn't a "moment of weakness." That is calculated, predatory and violating behaviour. 

On 3/31/2022 at 4:39 AM, Acatnamedvirtute said:

Turns out that my best friend's husband and my husband have been exchanging naked pictures of us for the past six months.

This is horrible. 

On 3/31/2022 at 4:39 AM, Acatnamedvirtute said:

He has some pervy tendencies, but they are not completely out of line,

Oh yes, they are. And you're minimizing them every step of the way. I suspect you do so because the truth is way too painful to confront. He doesn't limit his behaviour to betraying only your trust, which is terrible enough, but he also violates other women. 

I'm gong to be very blunt: your husband is a creep, and frankly, I would have catapulted him into the stratosphere ages ago. 

 

[mark clemson]

It's certainly not "nothing". However, different people have different "tolerance levels" for behaviors. Things that some find completely appalling, others will process and forgive or in some cases even shrug off.

You might consider a seeing a counselor to support you in how you feel. Possibly he could use one too.

If performance is a concern, that could also be an issue for a counselor or possibly a doctor (Viagra, etc).

I think you might benefit from further, very serious conversations with your husband about what is/isn't acceptable and why, and (if you feel this makes sense) explaining or at least alluding to the fact that his behavior is (1) very hurtful to you AND to your BF and their spouse, (2) quite possibly illegal, and (3) putting your marriage at risk.

Edited April 2, 2022 by mark clemson

[S2B]

Your husband consistently crosses boundaries that break trust in the relationship. Why hasn’t there been consequences? 
why haven’t you suggested counseling? 
he’s not a great husband! He’s sent nude photos of you to another man? That man could post them anywhere!

he had panties? That’s a huge red flag! It’s also a huge red flag that his libido has changed!

you should be concerned - and you should have a serious conversation with him about all the concerning behavior - including creeping on lots of women. He’s not trustworthy!

and if his behavior toward your daughter doesn’t change - you shouldn’t stay with him - he’s the adult and if he can’t be patient with his own child - it will cause her great harm! You shouldn’t keep her in an abusive home environment!

stop saying he’s great…he isn’t!

just because you are used to his “style” doesn’t make it right! Stop making excuses for his piss poor behavior as a husband and father. It’s disgusting.

[S2B]

You say you’ve been getting professional help - you need a new therapist! Now!

[vla1120]

The exchanging of nude photos with your best friend's husband would have been an immediate deal breaker for me. I'd be more incensed at that than the fact that my husband cheated on me, back in the day! Add that to the women's underwear and those are two reasons he needs help. Exactly whose underwear and how did he get ahold of them!? Now, he's creeping on your neighbor's kid, his sister's friend, and any other woman he's ever had a crush on? Red flags galore. Also, what grown man picks fights with his 7 year old child to the point that you have to diffuse the drama? He needs to get himself to a doctor and/or therapist and the two of you need some marriage counseling. What has your therapist said about his completely inappropriate predatory behavior? I mean, maybe you know everything, or maybe you only know the tip of the iceberg. I'd have a hard time trusting him, frankly.

Edited April 3, 2022 by vla1120

[heartwhole2]

As others have pointed out, a lot of his behaviors are alarming and they definitely fall outside of "just a little pervy."

If indeed he steals underwear from acquaintances and this wasn't a cover story for cheating on you, then he has serious impulse control issues and is turned on by violating women without their knowledge (same goes for sending your naked photos without your consent . . . you don't get to take away someone's right to consent just because you think they're hot, BTW . . . that was some pretzel logic you were doing to excuse it on your husband's behalf but not your friend's). And yes, if he picks fights with a 2nd grader, then he needs help.

I don't think your latest snooping discoveries really rank that high compared to what your husband already knows that you know. "Hey, you were looking at FB photos!" is in a way different league than, "Hey, stop stealing our friend's underwear and disseminating my nude photos without my consent!" Do you feel that you need a new "issue" to confront him with because he thinks you're already OK with the underwear stealing and nude photos? It's OK for you to say that those are serious betrayals that deserve more than a single conversation to resolve. Or maybe it stands out to you because when he seems to sincerely agree that the underwear stealing or nonconsensual pornography were wrong, you assumed those were closed cases. But when you see he's searching for all these other women, maybe he won't just stop himself from cheating based on your hotness. You keep believing him that it's OK to let your guard down, but part of you knows that it just isn't.

No one can be hot enough or up for sex enough to keep their partner faithful. Partners are faithful because they make a commitment to do so and because they utilize their self-awareness and reasoning skills to avoid temptation. Because your husband is scoring low in the self-awareness, impulse control, and reasoning areas, then yes, he's a loose cannon. It may not be sexual infidelity that you get, but you are not safe with him, and I am sure he will act out in one way or another. And given his history, that could even be in a way for which he'll be criminally liable. I'm sure part of your decision to post here was to see if it's really that serious, and from my viewpoint, yes, it is. You need to protect yourself and your children from the fallout of his unchecked impulses. And you deserve a life where you don't constantly have to be hypervigilant, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I do get it. We get married and part of the job is to see the world from our spouse's point of view. You've really gone above and beyond trying to do that, and trying to give grace and cut him some slack. But it means that you're justifying his behaviors that really aren't justifiable. E.g. you're like, "OK fine! Send my nude photo around because you think I'm so hot, but don't let the children see!" You've lowered your expectations for him so much that only the most egregious actions are upsetting you. I wouldn't be surprised if there are other boundary violations you didn't mention because they didn't involve the children or your friends, just you. And you've decided you're the sexy fun wife who's fine with that stuff. Is it because you really want these things in your marriage, or because you don't want to risk losing him?

 

[Lisa]

Thread closed as OP has not returned.   Acatnamedvirtue, please flag this thread if you return and would like to start participating in the thread.