Conflicted about having a second with husband, illogical emotions towards twin sister

[Veryconfused87]

Hello,

I'm not in a great space mentally as I type but hopefully you can make sense of this.

I'm  a just turned 35 year old female. I have a 5 year old boy whom I adore. Been married to my husband for 5 years and we have a 5 year old son together. 

I have a twin sister who is also married with a 4 year old boy. We are incredibly close.

My marriage to my husband is best described as functional. We have a cordial relationship and collaborate well as committed co- parents to our son.  But there is no intimacy or sex between us. None of us is making any real efforts to change that, I think we have accepted the situation for what it is. This might change in the future, I don't know.

I had always wanted a second child, but I wonder if I have left it till too late because we have really settled into life as parents to one child.

But at the same time, I am under immense pressure (external likely) to give my son a sibling. Even though he isn't complaining and is easily the most sociable kid amongst his peers. He is a happy child. 

What's thrown my off balance is my twin sister's recent discovery that she is pregnant with her second. It was unplanned and unexpected. My sister and I had both only recently discussed delaying a second child for now due to financial reasons.

 We had both decided that we would explore the possibility  of having a 2nd in the future, but certainly not now or in the imminent future.

So you can imagine my shock when she told me she was pregnant. She is very confused but deep down I believe she is happy  

I don't know how to say this but the news has really knocked me out. I'm dealing with a range of very strange emotions. I'm elated for her, but at the same time upset with her because she actively discouraged me from trying for a second and sowed so many seeds of doubt. Now, she is pregnant and I feel very alone.

We are extremely close, I know the focus is going to shift to me now and there will be whispers of "why is she not pregnant yet? After all her twin sister who got married even later than her is now pregnant with a second". 

Also, I feel almost betrayed by my sister which is illogical because she has done absolutely nothing wrong.

And also, I feel very conflicted about my situation/being stuck in a limbo about having a second. It is a very difficult thing to process or even explain.

I guess I also feel sad knowing that if we had a solid marriage, we probably would not be in this situation. Likely would have had a second by now and moved on. So there is a sense of regret and sadness regarding that I guess. 

Full disclosure: I have dealt with anxiety issues and a history of depression which has improved massively. 

I approached the topic of a second with my husband after I heard the news and while he didnt rule out the prospect of it in the future, he has stated that he has very strong doubts about having a second for at least another year. He doesn't think we have the emotional bandwidth and mental capacity for it at this time.  Not to mention the financial sacrifices (he doesn't want to over stretch himself). Deep down, I know he might be right. 

He asked that we give ourselves a maximum timeframe of 3 years as the cut off point to make a final decision. 
I'll be 37 by then which is fine.  

Thank you if you made it this far.

My questions are :

1. Is it such a bad thing to have one child?

2. How can I make sense of/understand, process and come to terms with the the conflicted feelings  I'm having regarding my sister's big reveal about having a second.

3. How can I block out the noise/ deal with the external pressure?

4. Should I have a second child with my husband just so we can give our son a sibling?

 Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 🙏🙏. If I have come across as selfish anywhere in this post, please forgive me. Like I stated, I'm not in the best frame of mind right now. 

Thank you so much 🙏🙏

Edited March 31, 2022 by Veryconfused87

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

I am under immense pressure (external likely) to give my son a sibling. 

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and follow up on the depression and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You're describing what you think is a disconnected bad marriage.

The only ones involved in making a choice to have more children are you and your husband.

If you are this unhappily married already after just 5 years why not fix that first?

[Veryconfused87]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. The best thing you can do is see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and follow up on the depression and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You're describing what you think is a disconnected bad marriage.

The only ones involved in making a choice to have more children are you and your husband.

If you are this unhappily married already after just 5 years why not fix that first?

Thank you so much for responding.

 

I do indeed feel like I'm having another breakdown.

Your comment has really helped me streamline my thought process. A lot of my emotions are tied to the state of my marriage.

We have had turbulent times. Until very recently, he was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. It escalated to some isolated incidents of physical abuse (but none for over 2 years now).

He is calmer and kinder now I'll admit. But I suspect it might be because he is having affairs as he keeps very late nights. To be honest, I'm not that bothered anymore provided my family unit is in intact.

Right now, I want to do what is best for my son. Is giving him a sibling the best option  for him? I am struggling to answer this question. 

Thank you so much for reading. 

[glows]

Your sister’s second pregnancy seems to be causing some jealousy and regret with your marriage. She’s the closest to you and your husband abuses you or is unfaithful in the marriage. 

I’d reconsider bringing any other children into the world with a man like that. Having one child is not a detriment to that one child’s growth or character. I’d be asking myself instead on what I want to do about leaving the marriage if I’m no longer happy instead of adding more children. You’re comparing yourself too much to your sister and it’s been a coping mechanism for you for awhile.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

. It escalated to some isolated incidents of physical abuse.

Then definitely get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and a therapist.

You need to be frank about the abuse with your healthcare providers. They can direct you to resources to extricate yourself from an abusive situation.

You need to get your child to safety. Do not put another child at risk with this abuser. Get out asap. The issue with the sister is irrelevant.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Veryconfused87 said:

Should I have a second child with my husband just so we can give our son a sibling?

Not if you describe your marriage as “functional.” I would not bring another child into this world under that circumstance. Consider that you may become a single parent of two - the financial pressures will be immense. 

I think it’s time to find yourself a counsellor, if you don’t have one already. You have some things to work through here. I wish you well.
 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Veryconfused87 said:

Until very recently, he was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. It escalated to some isolated incidents of physical abuse (but none for over 2 years now).

He is calmer and kinder now I'll admit. But I suspect it might be because he is having affairs as he keeps very late nights. To be honest, I'm not that bothered anymore provided my family unit is in intact.

Most definitely, do not bring another child into an abusive home. 

And please, get yourself some counselling. Staying with an abusive and possibly unfaithful man is not a good plan. That would cause me to be anxious and depressed too - no doubt.

Does your sister know that your husband has been abusive? 

Edited March 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Veryconfused87 said:

Right now, I want to do what is best for my son. Is giving him a sibling the best option  for him?

Is raising him in a home with a father who is abusive and unfaithful the best option for him?

I agree with the statement above - you are focusing on the wrong things - like whether or not to have another child for your son, like comparing yourself to your sister, like focusing on other peoples expectations for your marriage. This is how you have coped for a very long time - let’s just pretend to the world that nothing is wrong with my marriage, they will just see two sisters raising children happily together. Your anxiety and depression is telling you there are bigger issues here - ignore that and you will continue to struggle. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Veryconfused87 said:

3. How can I block out the noise/ deal with the external pressure?

Who would be pressuring you?  You said your son isn't pressuring you to have a sibling.  You have major issues in your marriage and to bring another child into it at this point, when you aren't even sure you're going to make it, would not be a sound idea.  Why do you and your sister have to have babies at the same time?

[Veryconfused87]

Thanks so much for your responses. Lots of hard truths. 

I think it is true that my coping mechanisms might not be so healthy. My sister is in a much better marriage and always been. I've been a bit naive comparing my situation to hers simply on the basis that we are twins. The last time she was here and heard the way he spoke to me, she said to me, "Is this the way he talks to you" in utter disgust.

 

But guys I have to give him some credit because over the past 2 - 3 months, his behaviour has really improved.

He is much more patient and calmer. I'm not quite sure why. But I've also become less invested and I think he can sense it so that might be a factor. For example I extricate myself from arguments. And I no longer keep close tabs on him when he goes out and returns in the early hours of the morning. He always insists he is visiting/having drinks with friends, might be true. Or maybe be is getting relief from women outside? I don't know for sure.

 

Over the last 3 years, we have had sex on average 2 times annually. Has he been celibate all this time? I certainly have but I'm not sure about him 

But here is the thing, the last time he hit me was over 2 years ago. He hasn't physically abused me since then. Is it possible that he might have changed? The emotional/verbal abuse only subsided 3 months ago, but still a sign of progress on his part. He is actually a good person. He loves our son. He is responsible and takes great pride in taking care of our family. He gives good advice. We crack jokes and laugh together sometimes. We talk about things of interest and global affairs. It's just that we relate more as cordial and cooperative co- parents rather than a loving, married couple. 

Can he accurately be categorised as "abusive" on the basis of his past deeds if he is not actively abusing me?  

 

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Veryconfused87

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

Can he accurately be categorised as "abusive" on the basis of his past deeds if he is not actively abusing me?  

Yes he can be and is still abusive.  If he hit you once he will do it again.  He's nice to you now because as you said you don't question his comings and goings and coming in at wee hours of the morning.  Basically you are shutting your mouth and letting him do as he wants so there is nothing for him to be angry about.  If you've only had sex twice in 2 years how do you expect to get pregnant?  Also you never answered who from the outside would pressure you to have another child and why do you and your sister have to have babies at the same time?

[BaileyB]

28 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

I have to give him some credit because over the past 2 - 3 months, his behaviour has really improved.

If an alcoholic has not had a drink for two-three months, would you say that individual is recovered? Or would you say they have truly changed after a year? Two years? Ten years? 

28 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

I no longer keep close tabs on him when he goes out and returns in the early hours of the morning.

You don’t? I would be keeping tabs on my husband if he was doing this - it would probably be cause for divorce. 

28 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

He is actually a good person.

My friend, I think you need to raise your standards. 

28 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

Can he accurately be categorised as "abusive" on the basis of his past deeds if he is not actively abusing me?  

Yes. There is a past history. There is a recent history of emotional abuse. And you believe that he may be cheating when he stays out until all hours of the morning - that kind of betrayal is a form of emotional abuse, in my humble opinion. 

Your sister has heard it - and she was not impressed. Imagine what she, and the rest of the world, would think if they knew the truth of your marriage. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Fix the marriage. Fix the marriage. Or leave. All else is nonsense. 

Bringing another kid into this marriage is a terrible idea: for you, for your husband and for your current child and a terrible for any future child.

Fix the marriage. Fix the marriage, fix the marriage. Or leave. All the focus on another child (whether yea or nay)  is simply avoidance and escapism. There's a fire smoldering in your household and you're talking about whether to go out and order chicken or fish. 

 

[Veryconfused87]

4 hours ago, stillafool said:

Yes he can be and is still abusive.  If he hit you once he will do it again.  He's nice to you now because as you said you don't question his comings and goings and coming in at wee hours of the morning.  Basically you are shutting your mouth and letting him do as he wants so there is nothing for him to be angry about.  If you've only had sex twice in 2 years how do you expect to get pregnant?  Also you never answered who from the outside would pressure you to have another child and why do you and your sister have to have babies at the same time?

If trying for a baby, we would have sex more frequently/ timed sex.

 

You're right. There is no reason why my sister and I must have babies at the same time. There is a gap of 18 months between my son (who is older) and hers.

We had decided we would try for our second kids around the same time in the future. So I guess I was still thinking along those lines.

Regarding pressure, I'd say my mother - in- law, my mum to an extent and maybe friends who start questioning why I haven't had a second when they hear the news from my sister. 

I know I probably don't sound logical...

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Veryconfused87 said:

I'd say my mother - in- law, my mum to an extent and maybe friends who start questioning why I haven't had a second when they hear the news from my sister. 

So you are hiding the abuse from them?

[Lotsgoingon]

You sound like you are part of an insular community.  I'm wondering if talking honestly about your marriage is taboo in your community. 

Where I live no one gives a flying suitcase whether or not a neighbor or friend has one child or two--or ten for that matter. (The large family would generate some curiosity and amazement at the parents' stamina, but there is just no sense that you "should" have a second kid. I'm sensing you are from a community where having a second kid is fundamental expectation. 

 Can you talk honestly about your marriage to anyone in your family or community? 

Having scheduled sex to get pregnant is maddening to many many people.Again, I'm sensing you are kinda isolated. Scheduling sex with a partner is fine ... but scheduled sex for pregnancy, none of the people I know who had to do this thought it was fun. They found it exhausting and robotic and pressured and sometimes cold and distant--=very far from an intimacy builder. 

Hang in there. I'm hoping you can get some good conversations going with people outside your current community. Perhaps there are people within that community who inside themselves really do want to talk freely. Great if you can find those folks. 

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, Veryconfused87 said:

I'm elated for her, but at the same time upset with her because she actively discouraged me from trying for a second and sowed so many seeds of doubt. Now, she is pregnant and I feel very alone.

There's no stopping a sperm with a keen sense of direction and destiny. You have to know she didn't do this on purpose to spite you, unless there's an underlying issue between you two that you aren't addressing in this thread.

This just might be the crossroads in your relationship with your twin--her path has placed a second pregnancy in it. Your path has you questioning the viability of a marriage that is already too unhealthy to consider continuing, let alone a second pregnancy.

Try not to let your feelings of being let down by your sister cloud the fact that sometimes, through no fault of anyone, plans change out of the blue. If she's not having issues in her marriage, why wouldn't she have unprotected sex with her husband? No one can tell her that she can't.

I guess you need to start with whether your husband and your marriage are worth fighting for and how far are you prepared to go in that venture? Once you know the answer, you'll know what to do.

[healing light]

8 hours ago, Veryconfused87 said:

But here is the thing, the last time he hit me was over 2 years ago. He hasn't physically abused me since then. Is it possible that he might have changed? The emotional/verbal abuse only subsided 3 months ago, but still a sign of progress on his part. He is actually a good person. He loves our son. He is responsible and takes great pride in taking care of our family. He gives good advice. We crack jokes and laugh together sometimes. We talk about things of interest and global affairs. It's just that we relate more as cordial and cooperative co- parents rather than a loving, married couple. 

 

You do not know the type of man your husband will be under the added stress and sleep deprivation of another child. You do know he's capable of hitting you. Having children is often very taxing on parents and you already know that neither of you have healthy coping mechanisms in place (because if you did, he wouldn't have laid a finger on you in the past and you wouldn't have been more concerned with the image of your marriage as opposed to the state of the marriage itself).

Please do not bring a child into this world under the assumption that it will be a bandaid for a disconnected marriage to an abusive partner nor be your son's playmate or keeper. You don't even know if this potential sibling would get along with the child you have or if it would be functional and healthy (morbid, I know, but we take all kinds of things for granted), etc. 

Also, since your husband doesn't come back until the wee hours of the morning after drinking and the intimacy has dried up in the marriage, I would be wary of catching anything from him if I did go for pregnancy attempt number 2. You admittedly have no idea if he's been cheating but his late night behavior does not put it out of the question, so don't risk your physical health for this man since anything he might give you could be more permanent than the relationship at this point.

It's okay to be divorced even if your twin sister is married. You don't have to live your life feeling like you are in her shadow. You--you alone--are good enough and worthy of existence. I'm sure if your sister knew how your husband was treating you, she would encourage you to take action steps to get out of this situation rather than further mire yourself in it with another baby. 

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, Veryconfused87 said:

We had decided we would try for our second kids around the same time in the future.

This is a decision you should have been discussing with your husband, first and foremost. Not your sister. 

It sounds to me like you and your sister are indeed very close, but too much so. There appears to be some unhealthy enmeshment going on. And I say that as the sister-in-law of an identical twin. I can't fathom her having gone to her sister to decide when to start having kids, rather than my brother (her husband) 

Now the next glaring issue is the state of your marriage. I think your sister getting pregnant has made you really come to terms with the fact that her marriage is (seemingly) healthier and more sexually-active than yours, and that is a painful truth for you. She has what you want, in other words. And knowing you don't have that hurts. Your marriage doesn't sound as though it's any position to welcome a new child at this time. 

So I have to wonder, who exactly is pressuring you to have another baby? Who are these people you believe will whisper about you being "behind" your sister somehow? Where did you get the impression that being an only child is a bad thing? 

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Where did you get the impression that being an only child is a bad thing? 

Your child is by definition, an only child. But, if you are as close to your sister as you say, the cousins will likely grow up more like siblings. He may in fact be closer to his cousin than any potential sibling. 

Five years between pregnancies is a very different sibling dynamic than if the children had been born 2-3 years apart.