So many questions. months later

[Neverendingquestions]

So I am the OW or I was, single mom of 1, early 30s, met him near 4 years now, knew him from younger years, always an attraction but life veered in different directions, he was married  approx 3 years when we meet, no children on his side. I a mum of a young toddler 

As per usual affair story, sparks flew, conversation flowed, so much to talk about. MSG's began his side instantly and it just grew from there. I'll be honest, I didn't hesitate, it was easy flow of attention and now I feel I was vunerablre and wasn't self aware of my inner traumas leading me to pursue this.  Was told the usual, not happy, no chemistry, married too young, grown apart. An injury had pushed a wedge in their marriage but he couldn't leave due to a legal case. 6 months initially I was advised. This was constantly pushed out due to the legal system delays.

Fast forward, we had a great few years, he became part of my little family, travelled lots, spent all his free time with me at my home, we had a bubble and loved every second of it. I couldn't get enough of him and vice versa. The highs were short lived and the lows were heartbreaking but he always said he was leaving for me so I used to push through and say it would be worth it once he could make the move. The gaps on time, days, a week. Arguments about more time together would push him away and a week would become longer. Eventhough he was a 10 min drive away.

He was an evident conflict avoidant, he would shut down, close off, not answer MSG's or calls and finally come round after days had past. I would spend my time begging for him to talk, I'm a massive communicator but he would shut off to his real life and I left in shadows.

He showed me vulnerability and opened up but then could close off again. COVID hit and this system shut down, more delays.

Last summer,  he took a second job, tensions about time grew and grew. Felt he was pulling away, started to drink and party more in the small bit of  free time. We bickered over time together, then suddenly he disappeared, wouldn't answer MSG's, calls, evaporated on the week of the legal case settlement. The date I had in my mind for years. The happy ever after tunnel was so close

Weeks upon weeks, I tried over and over to reach out, nothing but silence. Everything changed, finally when he did reach out, I was getting blamed, finger pointed that I ruined it, selfish, didn't consider all he had done for me etc etc.

We had finally got to the push to shove moment  and he was bailing. I got no understanding, no apology, just blame. Tensions were so high and I was so broken. I couldn't function for months but has no choice to get up everyday to provide . I started counselling and anti anxiety meds at Christmas to help me. I had cried for months.  We would block, unblock, I would reach out, left on unread, read, replied have silence, then conversations, middle of night texts then silence again. We met twice in this time where he said he was under pressure from me etc etc but wanted to still leave.

I haven't seen him since December and he hasnt reached out in a month but I am not blocked. I have text to talk and got no reply.

I'm still not ready to give up even though it's been months, the hope is still there. 

How do I move forward without answers? It's so hard. I think I just needed to write this out to get some advice from experienced people.

 

I really believed every word, his actions since summer have floored me, the coldness, the harsh handling of it all is the hardest to understand.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

 I a mum of a young toddler .I started counselling and anti anxiety meds at Christmas to help me.. I haven't seen him since December and he hasnt reached out in a month but I am not blocked.

Sorry this happened. Who contacted whom and why?

Focus on your child and your co-parenting relationship with your child's father.

It sounds like you haven't recovered from your divorce and this situation was a bandaid for that. Now that this distraction/bandaid is gone, you are being hit with a tsunami of pain from your past compounded by this.

There was never a tunnel or light and you know this. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Do not date unavailable men.

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Follow up with your therapist for ongoing support.

This is about taking care of yourself and your child and finding happier and healthier ways to cope with stress.

Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. Whatever voids you were attempting to fill with this are still there but now worse for the wear.

When you have dealt with everything, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single decent honest men.

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Ashes84]

Obviously we cant know him. But I will say I found the whole A thing so stressful that I, at points, suffered panic attacks, dissociation and suicidal ideation. Add to that (in his case) a legal fight, two job stress and thoughts of impending divorce and it's quite possible that he simply cannot cope with the stress he's under.

You're just going to have to focus on your own mental health and let him find a way of resolving this. I'd take a bit of control and stop reaching out. I think it will help with your anxiety.

Edited March 31, 2022 by Ashes84

[pepperbird2]

17 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

So I am the OW or I was, single mom of 1, early 30s, met him near 4 years now, knew him from younger years, always an attraction but life veered in different directions, he was married  approx 3 years when we meet, no children on his side. I a mum of a young toddler 

As per usual affair story, sparks flew, conversation flowed, so much to talk about. MSG's began his side instantly and it just grew from there. I'll be honest, I didn't hesitate, it was easy flow of attention and now I feel I was vunerablre and wasn't self aware of my inner traumas leading me to pursue this.  Was told the usual, not happy, no chemistry, married too young, grown apart. An injury had pushed a wedge in their marriage but he couldn't leave due to a legal case. 6 months initially I was advised. This was constantly pushed out due to the legal system delays.

Fast forward, we had a great few years, he became part of my little family, travelled lots, spent all his free time with me at my home, we had a bubble and loved every second of it. I couldn't get enough of him and vice versa. The highs were short lived and the lows were heartbreaking but he always said he was leaving for me so I used to push through and say it would be worth it once he could make the move. The gaps on time, days, a week. Arguments about more time together would push him away and a week would become longer. Eventhough he was a 10 min drive away.

He was an evident conflict avoidant, he would shut down, close off, not answer MSG's or calls and finally come round after days had past. I would spend my time begging for him to talk, I'm a massive communicator but he would shut off to his real life and I left in shadows.

He showed me vulnerability and opened up but then could close off again. COVID hit and this system shut down, more delays.

Last summer,  he took a second job, tensions about time grew and grew. Felt he was pulling away, started to drink and party more in the small bit of  free time. We bickered over time together, then suddenly he disappeared, wouldn't answer MSG's, calls, evaporated on the week of the legal case settlement. The date I had in my mind for years. The happy ever after tunnel was so close

Weeks upon weeks, I tried over and over to reach out, nothing but silence. Everything changed, finally when he did reach out, I was getting blamed, finger pointed that I ruined it, selfish, didn't consider all he had done for me etc etc.

We had finally got to the push to shove moment  and he was bailing. I got no understanding, no apology, just blame. Tensions were so high and I was so broken. I couldn't function for months but has no choice to get up everyday to provide . I started counselling and anti anxiety meds at Christmas to help me. I had cried for months.  We would block, unblock, I would reach out, left on unread, read, replied have silence, then conversations, middle of night texts then silence again. We met twice in this time where he said he was under pressure from me etc etc but wanted to still leave.

I haven't seen him since December and he hasnt reached out in a month but I am not blocked. I have text to talk and got no reply.

I'm still not ready to give up even though it's been months, the hope is still there. 

How do I move forward without answers? It's so hard. I think I just needed to write this out to get some advice from experienced people.

 

I really believed every word, his actions since summer have floored me, the coldness, the harsh handling of it all is the hardest to understand.

All I can say is this guy showed you right form day one who and what he is.
I understand that you had moments of joy with him, but flip that around-those were all on the back of his wife. He wasn't looking for another spouse-you were supposed to be the fun and easy part of his life, one which he likely convinced himself he deserved, never mind what price you were paying.

I know it's painful, but when you think about it, all indications are that he is one damned good liar and holds no scruples about it. Even though you might feel like he was lying to his wife and not you so it doesn't count, it does show his ability to be dishonest of a span of years.

[Neverendingquestions]

Thanks for the replies,

I parent alone and I do understand I was chasing the happy family I didn't have with this man, this idea i could give him what he didn't have and he fed into this. Talk of our own and he was a big part of my child's life for 4 years of his short 6. 

(AF didn't have kids and were advised not, well this is what I was told, the legal stuff was a substantial payment to his wife for an injury)

I have been compassionate and empathetic towards the stress of it all and supported his vision of doing limited damage to his wife, this was what he always told me, once she could support herself, he could walk away more comfortably.

He lives a very independent life, does what he likes, comes and goes from his home (not owned) she seems to just accept it and the affair was nearly too easy, I question has he had more before, he has cheated, I know this. We could be together for days on end, holidays etc. It was all very convenient and easy.

But yes I was alone for many occasions whilst she got the family days, the Sunday meets with family.

My life is more structured and responsible, I do want a nice family setup. And I do feel this is what scared him in the end. He did state he was torn from the life he knew and the unknown

[glows]

49 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

So I am the OW or I was, single mom of 1, early 30s, met him near 4 years now, knew him from younger years, always an attraction but life veered in different directions, he was married  approx 3 years when we meet, no children on his side. I a mum of a young toddler 

As per usual affair story, sparks flew, conversation flowed, so much to talk about. MSG's began his side instantly and it just grew from there. I'll be honest, I didn't hesitate, it was easy flow of attention and now I feel I was vunerablre and wasn't self aware of my inner traumas leading me to pursue this.  Was told the usual, not happy, no chemistry, married too young, grown apart. An injury had pushed a wedge in their marriage but he couldn't leave due to a legal case. 6 months initially I was advised. This was constantly pushed out due to the legal system delays.

Fast forward, we had a great few years, he became part of my little family, travelled lots, spent all his free time with me at my home, we had a bubble and loved every second of it. I couldn't get enough of him and vice versa. The highs were short lived and the lows were heartbreaking but he always said he was leaving for me so I used to push through and say it would be worth it once he could make the move. The gaps on time, days, a week. Arguments about more time together would push him away and a week would become longer. Eventhough he was a 10 min drive away.

He was an evident conflict avoidant, he would shut down, close off, not answer MSG's or calls and finally come round after days had past. I would spend my time begging for him to talk, I'm a massive communicator but he would shut off to his real life and I left in shadows.

He showed me vulnerability and opened up but then could close off again. COVID hit and this system shut down, more delays.

Last summer,  he took a second job, tensions about time grew and grew. Felt he was pulling away, started to drink and party more in the small bit of  free time. We bickered over time together, then suddenly he disappeared, wouldn't answer MSG's, calls, evaporated on the week of the legal case settlement. The date I had in my mind for years. The happy ever after tunnel was so close

Weeks upon weeks, I tried over and over to reach out, nothing but silence. Everything changed, finally when he did reach out, I was getting blamed, finger pointed that I ruined it, selfish, didn't consider all he had done for me etc etc.

We had finally got to the push to shove moment  and he was bailing. I got no understanding, no apology, just blame. Tensions were so high and I was so broken. I couldn't function for months but has no choice to get up everyday to provide . I started counselling and anti anxiety meds at Christmas to help me. I had cried for months.  We would block, unblock, I would reach out, left on unread, read, replied have silence, then conversations, middle of night texts then silence again. We met twice in this time where he said he was under pressure from me etc etc but wanted to still leave.

I haven't seen him since December and he hasnt reached out in a month but I am not blocked. I have text to talk and got no reply.

I'm still not ready to give up even though it's been months, the hope is still there. 

How do I move forward without answers? It's so hard. I think I just needed to write this out to get some advice from experienced people.

 

I really believed every word, his actions since summer have floored me, the coldness, the harsh handling of it all is the hardest to understand.

He was backing out of the affair for awhile. How would he be able to start a life with you if he’s working multiple jobs to pay whatever he needs to pay regarding the case? 

He might have used the affair to cope or deal with stress early on until the affair itself caused stress and then he dropped it, couldn’t support it anymore. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by glows

[Neverendingquestions]

The legal stuff was his wife, a injury case that was covered by the substantial payment, their is no money issues or debts.

He worked two jobs by choice, both casual, stress free jobs but he enjoyed both and making decent dollars, also it was a coping mechanism. Dodging the reality his life had become, I believe. For example, can we have time together, "no I'm working 6 days a week". 

I see it now the pull back but how and why  can someone you love, and give so much time and effort to, destroy someone else's life and mental state to compensate for your own issues in primary relationship and then walk away without an explanation. I know I was wrong but I really believed it was to be.

[glows]

9 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

The legal stuff was his wife, a injury case that was covered by the substantial payment, their is no money issues or debts.

He worked two jobs by choice, both casual, stress free jobs but he enjoyed both and making decent dollars, also it was a coping mechanism. Dodging the reality his life had become, I believe. For example, can we have time together, "no I'm working 6 days a week". 

I see it now the pull back but how and why  can someone you love, and give so much time and effort to, destroy someone else's life and mental state to compensate for your own issues in primary relationship and then walk away without an explanation. I know I was wrong but I really believed it was to be.

He was willing to do that to his wife. He’d do it to you. And to the next person and the next. The difference is that you expected him to change. All this is 20/20 hindsight now. What you wanted to believe was that you were special and different from the other women in his life. The reality is he treats people the same way. That’s one thing that’s consistent about him. 

Using work to dodge reality is a possibility. It may also be that he needs the money or hasn’t told you the full story or what his financial situation is like. If he can hide info from his wife or go about living a double life like a “family” with a mistress, it’s unlikely he was honest with you about everything going on.

You’ve really got to question the integrity of a person who does what he does and reconsider that person’s character. It’s tough when you’re in it and eye opening when you’re outside of it. You’re outside of the affair now and looking back in on it as painful as it is.

 

[notbroken]

He is a proven liar, cheat, and coward (won't deal with his situation directly with either his wife or you).   Anything he says would likely be a lie anyway.   Do NOT go back with him.   Move on the best you can.  Don't get with another unavailable person. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

I really believed every word, his actions since summer have floored me, the coldness, the harsh handling of it all is the hardest to understand.

You fell in love with the person he presented himself to be. That’s obviously not the real man. 

He absolutely showed you who he was all along but you didn’t pay attention. You didn’t want to believe it. You assumed that what he said was true - he was trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman who didn’t want him anymore. You thought your relationship would be different. It turned out not to be true. 

When somebody shows you who they really are - believe them. 

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

I'm still not ready to give up even though it's been months, the hope is still there. 

Why? You are clearly hoping to get the fantasy relationship back because I can’t imagine why you would want to stay involved with this man after he has been so mean and disrespectful. 

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

How do I move forward without answers?

You have your answers. You made a poor decision and trusted a man who should never have been trusted. Now that you know the truth of who you are dealing with, it’s in your best interest to move on. 

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

He was a big part of my child's life for 4 years of his life.

Of all the mistakes here, this is what I would regret the most! That I exposed my child to this man, I would regret this every single day for the rest of my life. I hope you hear what I’m saying - 
 

Edited March 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Sorry you're hurt OP but the truth is how in the world did you expect a "happy ever after" with someone else's husband in the first place?  You have to realize if he can lie to and cheat on his wife he will do the same to you.  I imagine he, like you were feeling the same way described below that lead to the affair.

2 hours ago, Neverendingquestions said:

I'll be honest, I didn't hesitate, it was easy flow of attention and now I feel I was vunerablre and wasn't self aware of my inner traumas leading me to pursue this. 

He never had any plans to leave his wife.  The affair was supposed to be his escape when he and his wife had problems.  He doesn't want to hear your complaining, asking for things he isn't going to do and most of all any pressure to leave his marriage.  MM will tell OW whatever to keep her sweet.  When OW calls him out on those words and start demanding action from him that is when the disappearing act starts.  The biggest lesson to be learned from this is to never interfere in people's marriage and to only date single men who might want a future with you and your daughter.

Edited March 31, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Neverendingquestions said:

I was alone for many occasions. My life is more structured and responsible, I do want a nice family setup. 

Get on dating apps with a good profile an pics and start talking to men. Forts you need to find single available men if your goal is to have a family life. Sounds like he dumped you as soon as his wife came into money. Be glad you are free of this man so you can find a decent man.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Neverendingquestions said:

 We bickered over time together, then suddenly he disappeared, wouldn't answer MSG's, calls, evaporated on the week of the legal case settlement. The date I had in my mind for years. The happy ever after tunnel was so close

 finally when he did reach out, I was getting blamed, finger pointed that I ruined it, selfish, didn't consider all he had done for me etc etc. We had finally got to the push to shove moment  and he was bailing. I got no understanding, no apology, just blame.

I haven't seen him since December ... I'm still not ready to give up even though it's been months, the hope is still there.

No, you need to give up. Right now you are a Plan B, if even that.

From what you write, it sounds like he's in a marriage of convenience, and maintaining it is what's convenient for him. He made you into "the bad guy" when the time came, so it would be easier for him to let you go.

I would think it's plausible he could have a new OW, or simply be taking a break for a while. But it very much sounds like he's sticking with "the life he knows". If he actually was with you too much would change - for example, it'd be a lot harder for him to have OWs.

Even if he were to "take you back" I strongly suspect it would only be to fall back into the affair for a while and then leave again. You are "waiting in vain" here.

Edited March 31, 2022 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

No answer is an answer, so you have all the answers you need. You need to stop focusing on him and his whys, and start focusing on your whys. Like why are you allowing this man to treat you like this and still hope he comes back around to you? You say that he cheated before...

Affairs are all about the fun aspect. Even 3 year long affair is still fun and exciting; however, when you are no longer "fun", start complaining and demanding more, etc it is no longer any fun. So he starts the slow fade. 

You have stated some alarming things about what this affair has done to your mental state. Please, please explore why you are wanting someone who makes you feel like this in your life? You really don't. You want what you thought he was, or dreamed he was... but that is not reality. It is all based on a fake presentation. 

[Neverendingquestions]

3 hours ago, glows said:

He was willing to do that to his wife. He’d do it to you. And to the next person and the next. The difference is that you expected him to change. All this is 20/20 hindsight now. What you wanted to believe was that you were special and different from the other women in his life. The reality is he treats people the same way. That’s one thing that’s consistent about him. 

 

 

Yeah it's true, he let me in to certain extent told me things to make me feel great about the relationship, it was different etc. He let on he wanted different but then again he enjoyed how he lived. His own way.

 

Edited March 31, 2022 by Neverendingquestions

[Neverendingquestions]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

You fell in love with the person he presented himself to be. That’s obviously not the real man. 

He absolutely showed you who he was all along but you didn’t pay attention. You didn’t want to believe it. You assumed that what he said was true - he was trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman who didn’t want him anymore. You thought your relationship would be different. It turned out not to be true. 

When somebody shows you who they really are - believe them. 

Why? You are clearly hoping to get the fantasy relationship back because I can’t imagine why you would want to stay involved with this man after he has been so mean and disrespectful. 

You have your answers. You made a poor decision and trusted a man who should never have been trusted. Now that you know the truth of who you are dealing with, it’s in your best interest to move on. 

Of all the mistakes here, this is what I would regret the most! That I exposed my child to this man, I would regret this every single day for the rest of my life. I hope you hear what I’m saying - 
 

Yes to all of this, he had led me down a path and I allowed myself also to believe it all, we were ideal for eachother, everything clicked, we would have a great future, a family etc.

I had told him from early on, I did not want multiple men in my kids life and I trusted him when he said he wanted it for the long term. I had put my life and trust into this man foolishly. And as a consequence I messed with my kids heart and motions. That hurts me every day, kid would ask for him for months and here I was again dealing with an abandonment of a second male figure in her life.

Edited March 31, 2022 by Neverendingquestions

[Neverendingquestions]

40 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

No answer is an answer, so you have all the answers you need. You need to stop focusing on him and his whys, and start focusing on your whys. Like why are you allowing this man to treat you like this and still hope he comes back around to you? You say that he cheated before...

Affairs are all about the fun aspect. Even 3 year long affair is still fun and exciting; however, when you are no longer "fun", start complaining and demanding more, etc it is no longer any fun. So he starts the slow fade. 

You have stated some alarming things about what this affair has done to your mental state. Please, please explore why you are wanting someone who makes you feel like this in your life? You really don't. You want what you thought he was, or dreamed he was... but that is not reality. It is all based on a fake presentation. 

Yes it was fun but I always wanted it all, I was clear about that from the start, his timeline and excuses were there and I let him lead from that.

I was accepting of all the rough times and nights alone for this "aftermath"

I can see now he's not the nicest person, he has been extremely harsh in words towards and made me feel like he hated me overnight. But I also feel he's hurting, he carries a lot of secrets and pain in his marriage and has to put on this front to families etc. Well this is what I thought.Clearly it's not that bad, if he continues to live with it all.

I know I can't change or fix him and I'm trying so hard to look inward, self care, therapy etc 

[Neverendingquestions]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

No answer is an answer, so you have all the answers you need. You need to stop focusing on him and his whys, and start focusing on your whys. Like why are you allowing this man to treat you like this and still hope he comes back around to you? You say that he cheated before...

Affairs are all about the fun aspect. Even 3 year long affair is still fun and exciting; however, when you are no longer "fun", start complaining and demanding more, etc it is no longer any fun. So he starts the slow fade. 

You have stated some alarming things about what this affair has done to your mental state. Please, please explore why you are wanting someone who makes you feel like this in your life? You really don't. You want what you thought he was, or dreamed he was... but that is not reality. It is all based on a fake presentation. 

Yes I really do need to accept the reality.He has chosen his marriage.

whereas I felt he chose me for so many years. It's just so hard to accept, how you can love someone or claim it and then switch overnight. 

or claim your not in love with your wife, don't have anything in common, spend little spare time together, but then remain in it.

My mind boggles

 

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

But I also feel he's hurting, he carries a lot of secrets and pain in his marriage and has to put on this front to families etc.

He is a grown man, he doesn’t need you to make excuses for him. He is more than capable of making them on his own. 

As most married men do, he played upon your sympathy to serve his own purpose. I would have less empathy for him now.

What you are failing to understand is that a mature, responsible man does not carry on in a marriage that he does not want and put on a front to family. That, in addition to the fact that he cheated, are the actions of a conflict avoidant man who would rather meet his own selfish need than do what is right and responsible. A mature and responsible man is capable of filing and settling a divorce (showing kindness and respect to his spouse) with the assistance of his legal counsel. People manage to deal with all kind of complicated legal and financial situations during divorce. 

I find it very difficult to believe that he stays for four years pending legal resolution of some kind of injury case. This, I would not believe from a man who we know to be a lot (given, he is unfaithful to his wife). 

36 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

I trusted him when he said he wanted it for the long term.

Honestly, I don’t know how you could have trusted him - he was legally committed to another woman. Anything he promised you was wishful thinking… 

Edited March 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

It's just so hard to accept, how you can love someone or claim it and then switch overnight. 

or claim your not in love with your wife, don't have anything in common, spend little spare time together, but then remain in it.

You are expecting honesty, loyalty, respect, and consideration from a man who is lying to and betraying his wife (by carrying on another intimate relationship with another woman and playing happy family with her child). Do you see the error in your thinking here? 

 

[glows]

59 minutes ago, Neverendingquestions said:

Yes I really do need to accept the reality.He has chosen his marriage.

whereas I felt he chose me for so many years. It's just so hard to accept, how you can love someone or claim it and then switch overnight. 

or claim your not in love with your wife, don't have anything in common, spend little spare time together, but then remain in it.

My mind boggles

People flip the switch on very minor issues also and from what you've written about his marriage, there seem to be some glaring red flags. Disconnect with his wife, neglect of the marriage, a legal case dragging on, injuries regarding his wife or her mental/physical state, possibly using work and an affair to distract himself, unstable home life, questionable financial obligations. This is a person in torment.. I'm sorry but nothing about this man would ever say relationship material to me. He was something to you in your vulnerable state as you say so be kind to yourself but also honest about how things unfolded.

Be with your child and a good mum. I'd think about counselling or search for help and support from reputable or qualified sources. Make new friends in your neighbourhood and community, join meet ups. Don't isolate yourself. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

But I also feel he's hurting, he carries a lot of secrets and pain in his marriage and has to put on this front to families etc. Well this is what I thought.

Not really.  MM in affairs compartmentalize.  You are in one box and his real life is in another.  What he has told you that goes on between him and his wife may not even be true.  For all you know his wife may think he's working when he's away to wee hours of the morning or he may not be at all.  He's a liar and and a cheat.

 

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

it's just so hard to accept, how you can love someone or claim it and then switch overnight. 

or claim your not in love with your wife, don't have anything in common, spend little spare time together, but then remain in it.

Because it's all lies.  When the affair partner (you) are no longer fun they end the affair and start looking for another affair where everything is sunshine and roses again.  It's just too common in these affairs.   OP you can read some of the stories right here that sound like yours.

[Neverendingquestions]

1 hour ago, glows said:

People flip the switch on very minor issues also and from what you've written about his marriage, there seem to be some glaring red flags. Disconnect with his wife, neglect of the marriage, a legal case dragging on, injuries regarding his wife or her mental/physical state, possibly using work and an affair to distract himself, unstable home life, questionable financial obligations. This is a person in torment.. I'm sorry but nothing about this man would ever say relationship material to me. He was something to you in your vulnerable state as you say so be kind to yourself but also honest about how things unfolded.

Be with your child and a good mum. I'd think about counselling or search for help and support from reputable or qualified sources. Make new friends in your neighbourhood and community, join meet ups. Don't isolate yourself. 

Yes very much the torment comment. In denial and running from many things. So much going on internally, but only he can resolve it.

Yes I am a great mom, have a nice home, work/ life balance, we do lots of fun stuff as a twosome and I love our little life. But I do miss him AP dearly, well the person I encountered in the good times, 

I feel I was just robbed of so many years, for nothing. I went through emotional torture with zero gain and a loss of some many dreams of a family and a normal relationship whilst he just slips back into his life and I've to pick up the pieces of mine and start over. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

feel I was just robbed of so many years, for nothing. I lost dreams of a family and a normal relationship whilst he just slips back into his life and I've to pick up the pieces of mine and start over. 

This is an affair. You spend years of your life waiting and he continues as he has been… It’s very one sided and the unmarried partner usually comes out on the losing side…

You did lose four years of your life - I would be angry as hell with this man! What’s more, I would be angry as hell with myself!!

To be fair, you weren’t robbed as much as you made a very poor decision for your life. Poor decisions bring poor results. It wasn’t fate that kept you apart. It wasn’t even his fault for his lack of follow through… YOU made a very poor decision in choosing to plan your future with a married man. End of story. 

In the future, chose wisely. Don’t make any more plans for the future with a man who is not single and available to be in a legitimate relationship with you. 

Edited March 31, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Neverendingquestions said:

many dreams of a family and a normal relationship whilst he just slips back into his life and I've to pick up the pieces of mine and start over. 

What is the issue with your child's father? What happened there? Why did that never evolve into a family.

Sadly by attaching yourself to a married man you wasted some time. But now you are free to find a decent honest man.

Deal with the loneliness and unresolved issues of single parenting and whatever happened with your child's father.

This affair is more of  symptom of other things you're trying to blame on him but that sadly led you to him.