Ex Feeling Guilty of How Things Are, Currently

[hopper90]

I received a text last night that leaves me in limbo. Maybe some background for starters..

We have been together 14months and she is going through divorce matters with her ex husband. They were together 5yrs and have two kids. She was separated for 7 months before we started dating. They have had some emotionally charged conversations over separation items. Typical jealous ex partner stuff that hates the new person(me), past stuff etc.

It was good between us, up until her ex telling her he found a new gf. This sent her into an emotional spiral. Bringing up childhood issues, feeling of inadequacy etc. It came off as her not being over her ex. Which was hurtful to hear but I have some perspective now. I dont think she ever grieved the relationship. Maybe even an emotional codependancy since she leaned on him as a parental figure because is considerably older and now thats being taken away.

Last weekend she told me she wanted to take a break for a year. Basically a break up, although i never got the chance to tell her that im not ok with a break let alone being on the sidelines for a year. 

She texted me last night, letting me know how guilty and sorry she is about what has transpired. She wants to talk but feels like it won't do any good due to her emotional state.  She doesn't know what's wrong with her but the things she does she doesn't want to drag me through unnecessarily.

i told her i would respond. i am planning on proposing couples counseling to see if this relationship can be salvaged(maybe we take a step back?) but i have come to grips that she might need to pursue this healing journey on her own and i am open to reconnecting in the future but its not fair to me to wait around. Although I need to take some time to myself as well.

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, hopper90 said:

We have been together 14months and she is going through divorce. i am planning on proposing couples counseling to see if this relationship can be salvaged

It seems the issue is her messy ongoing divorce. Do not waste money on couples therapy. You were just dating. She need to sort out her life.

[hopper90]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems the issue is her messy ongoing divorce. Do not waste money on couples therapy. You were just dating. She need to sort out her life.

I feel like I should at least clarify the 'take a break' suggestion in person with her. basically the break up speech  Or does text suffice now a day?

Edited April 1, 2022 by hopper90

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, hopper90 said:

Last weekend she told me she wanted to take a break for a year. .

This is a breakup, not a break. She needs a therapist for now, not a relationship. Unless she's paying you $200/hr. to listen to her divorce drama and ex drivel, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[glows]

9 hours ago, hopper90 said:

I feel like I should at least clarify the 'take a break' suggestion in person with her. basically the break up speech  Or does text suffice now a day?

When reading your write up she’s consumed with herself, her emotional state, her ex, her issues. If taking a break isn’t an option for you, then say so.

Whether you do it in person, over a brief call or in person is besides the point. I do think being clear where you stand is helpful and mention you don’t wish to be contacted afterwards so you both can heal. Don’t drag this out any longer. 

I know you want to believe that your 14 months was special but in this case she’s not there in the same headspace as you. Couples counselling doesn’t seem appropriate. She’s too busy with herself to give this any attention.

 

[chillii]

So many people make that mistake op , when they should've taken time. She doesn't know this doesn't know that well hello , of course she doesn't . Divorcing is a huge thing especially with kids.

Forget counseling , it's just too soon for her even if they do get her thinking and she tries again with you, all this will only bite you both again later. lmo best you could do for yourself and her is to do this break no need to say much about what if's but for you yeah, treat as breaking up. Maybe you hear from her in 6mths, 12, maybe you've moved on with somebody new by then , maybe you haven't or maybe she has, who knows. But bc of her frame right now, she doesn't know anything, so it's not right you just wait blindly.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/31/2022 at 10:49 PM, hopper90 said:

 i am planning on proposing couples counseling to see if this relationship can be salvaged

It's not going to work. 

She rebounded from her marriage with you, and now realizes she is not at all ready for a relationship. It's best to let her go. This is something she needs to do on her own. Not as a couple.  She is being honest that she cannot be in a relationship with you any longer, so I would respect that and part ways. 

[introverted1]

On 3/31/2022 at 4:49 PM, hopper90 said:

Last weekend she told me she wanted to take a break for a year. Basically a break up

Yes, it's a breakup. 

No need to suggest counseling or have a long discussion.  Wish her well and move on. 

[flitzanu]

as others have said, treat this as a breakup. 

honestly you don't even have to "meet to talk" about what is going on.  she wanted the break, for A YEAR, and you need to give that to her.  staying friends and cheering from the sidelines is not going to be healthy for you, and it also just means she can dump you and still have you waiting to jump at her beck and call.  

she wants a break, don't let her have both worlds.  as i'm sure you can/have read on these forums, there is no "break" it is only "breakup" in relationships.  

it sounds like she is actually still married right?  you say "going through a divorce" but that's never clear on if papers are signed and the divorce is in progress, or if they just separated.  that chapter may not be as done as you're led to believe.

tread lightly, and if you want to keep your sanity, make a clean break including no forms of contact.

[hopper90]

It just got more complicated. She told me several days ago she is pregnant. Due to her personal circumstances and some of mine(my parents never being accepting of my relationship), we decided not to keep it. She really doesn't like the fact my parents were not on board with the relationship. She thought she get over this but here we are. This week has been rocky with me trying to be there for her but she has not been feeling it.  We had sex the night she told me she was pregnant in hopes of connecting more but she didnt feel like we did. It was hard for me to fully commit everything since she was still so emotionally vested with her ex. I tried to call, text and told her to tell me if she needs anything to tell me throughout the week but I don't feel like it landed. I made a comment last night that didnt go over well. I apologized and she was was forgiving after listening to what I actually meant. We are still parting ways but I just want to know how I should proceed.

We got along ok today during the ultrasound. I want to see this through before NC. She has to take some pills tomorrow and I told her to keep me up to date during the next while to see it through. She will have a friend with her during this. I feel I should call tomorrow night instead of waiting for her to contact me, to see how she is and keep contact until its all done. Its a longer process than I imagined.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, hopper90 said:

. She told me several days ago she is pregnant. . She will have a friend with her during this. I feel I should call tomorrow night instead of waiting for her to contact me, 

Sorry this is happening. Is it yours? She has a friend to be with her, so do not disturb her now.

[glows]

8 hours ago, hopper90 said:

It just got more complicated. She told me several days ago she is pregnant. Due to her personal circumstances and some of mine(my parents never being accepting of my relationship), we decided not to keep it. She really doesn't like the fact my parents were not on board with the relationship. She thought she get over this but here we are. This week has been rocky with me trying to be there for her but she has not been feeling it.  We had sex the night she told me she was pregnant in hopes of connecting more but she didnt feel like we did. It was hard for me to fully commit everything since she was still so emotionally vested with her ex. I tried to call, text and told her to tell me if she needs anything to tell me throughout the week but I don't feel like it landed. I made a comment last night that didnt go over well. I apologized and she was was forgiving after listening to what I actually meant. We are still parting ways but I just want to know how I should proceed.

We got along ok today during the ultrasound. I want to see this through before NC. She has to take some pills tomorrow and I told her to keep me up to date during the next while to see it through. She will have a friend with her during this. I feel I should call tomorrow night instead of waiting for her to contact me, to see how she is and keep contact until its all done. Its a longer process than I imagined.

Stay in contact cordially as a friend but don’t use this to ignore the fact that the relationship is over. In other words it’s ok to be there but you need to heal and take care of yourself too. At the very least accept the break up and move on.

[hopper90]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Is it yours? She has a friend to be with her, so do not disturb her now.

Failing a DNA test, I'm pretty sure it is. Thanks for the clarity I will give her space.

48 minutes ago, glows said:

Stay in contact cordially as a friend but don’t use this to ignore the fact that the relationship is over. In other words it’s ok to be there but you need to heal and take care of yourself too. At the very least accept the break up and move on.

I have accepted the break and want to start to heal. I only want to stay in contact until this abortion thing is done.

I guess a part of me wants to practice not being so passive ie. Taking the initiative to check in during this time. This is one thing I realized in the relationship that I need to do better in. Perhaps wrong place wrong time.

[glows]

22 hours ago, hopper90 said:

Failing a DNA test, I'm pretty sure it is. Thanks for the clarity I will give her space.

I have accepted the break and want to start to heal. I only want to stay in contact until this abortion thing is done.

I guess a part of me wants to practice not being so passive ie. Taking the initiative to check in during this time. This is one thing I realized in the relationship that I need to do better in. Perhaps wrong place wrong time.

Play it by ear and see how it goes then. If she’s not wanting you around let go. You’re a kind person for sticking around. 

[flitzanu]

On 4/9/2022 at 10:28 AM, hopper90 said:

Failing a DNA test, I'm pretty sure it is. Thanks for the clarity I will give her space.

I have accepted the break and want to start to heal. I only want to stay in contact until this abortion thing is done.

I guess a part of me wants to practice not being so passive ie. Taking the initiative to check in during this time. This is one thing I realized in the relationship that I need to do better in. Perhaps wrong place wrong time.

this part:  I guess a part of me wants to practice not being so passive ie. Taking the initiative to check in during this time.

 

you checking in and trying to be more involved and less passive is not what you need to do right now.  when someone is "done" if you suddenly decide to be less passive and start trying, it just comes off as annoying and needy.

[hopper90]

Thank you for all the replies and help with this. I hate loose ends but there are couple remaining. She reminded me of a sleeping bag I need to pick up and she told me just had her appointment with her new counselor. No details were shared which is fine and understandable. It was booked a month in advance and I practically forgot it during our split, so I didn't want to tell her to make other arrangements. A close friend of mine told me to wait a month to cut her off but I don't see a point in prolonging it.