gimlynick Posted April 2, 2022 Share Posted April 2, 2022 Hello all, this is just some ventilation... A little over 3 years ago I met in my homecountry in Western Europe this amazing South American girl. We connected instantly and soon she moved in with me. Very early she told me that she is not sure that she wants to live in Europe, due to her family having a big company in her homecountry and she wants to start working in the business... I acknowledged and explained to her that I would like to give it a try in South America ( I had travelled there allready 6 times and I love the vibe over there ). Long story short, I have been living in South America, in a huge city, for over 6 months now. We had a super chill life in Europe with a high income and a lot of holidays, she just didnt like the rainy, shitty weather... But here I don´t have a job, I don´t know what to do here and I lost all my motivation in starting something. I want to go back home. I am little by little becoming depressive and I miss my friends and family. This is the problem... We had a couple of small talks ( no big drama yet... ) about me not feeling good in a big city and me not being sure if I want to live here. She promises me that it is just for ' a couple of years ' and that later we go live in a quiet place. She is at work more then 12 hours a day and comes home exhausted daily. But... She loves the job. Our life has changed too much, it´s all about working and not about enjoying life anymore. She tries to make space in weekends but it´s not at all how I imagined my life going... We both love eachother a lot, but I am afraid she will not want to join me back to Europe. I am afraid to start the heavy conversation about me going back home, I have hinted a couple of times but I think she still hopes that I will change. I know I have to talk properply and openly to her, but what then... I am just so afraid of the result... Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted April 2, 2022 Share Posted April 2, 2022 It’s sounds like you are unhappy with the situation overall. You don’t like the city, you are not working, she works too much, you don’t have the same type of resources (money and lifestyle) and you miss friends and family. Sounds like you need to have a candid conversation and stop hinting. 1) Create a plan to change your situation there if you are not ready to end the relationship and you truly feel that you and she have a future. Are you able to work legally? If so, get a job, and that may give you a better foothold and way to establish more autonomy and a life outside of the relationship If you hate the city, is there a quieter neighborhood that would offer a better day to day experience where you and she can move? 2) If you can’t work in the country that seems untenable, and I don’t see how this can work as you’d be living as a dependent of hers or draining your savings. 3) If you don’t see her as a a long-standing partner, seems like it’s time to end things and return to Europe. I don’t think you can sit back for a few more years in your current state and hope that she’ll want to move back to Europe - even if she did, by then the relationship will likely have deteriorated to a very bad place. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 3, 2022 Share Posted April 3, 2022 It seems that the expectations didn't match the reality. Visiting a country is very different from actually living there, of course, and I say that as someome who has also moved abroad (from Canada to Italy) I had to overhaul my expectations and lifestyle a lot, but I came here because I genuinely wanted to and not for anyone else, and I've been happy here for nearly a decade now. Is life as easy as it was back home? No, it's not. But there are other reasons why I enjoy my life here so much more. I think a lot of it depends on what you expected your life to be like in your new country, and how different (or similar) you expected it to be from your life at home. What was the initial plan when you moved there, OP? Were you planning to work, and can you legally do so? What do you do all day when your girlfriend is at work? Have you managed to establish any connections yourself, perhaps other expat folks in your community? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 3, 2022 Share Posted April 3, 2022 11 hours ago, gimlynick said: I don´t have a job, I don´t know what to do here and I lost all my motivation in starting something. I want to go back home. I am little by little becoming depressive and I miss my friends and family. Tell her this and ask your family to help you get a ticket home. As you have unfortunately seen, love does not conquer all when you don't have a viable plan to relocate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gimlynick Posted April 4, 2022 Author Share Posted April 4, 2022 Thank you for the replies. The thing is that before coming here I was full motivation, ready to start my own business here ( tourism ) and in the meanwhile teaching English ( tefl ). But for some reason my motivation faded away ridicolously fast. I am allowed to work here legally. So I have a plan here, but I just don´t feel to starting something here. Anyway, a friend is visiting, after this I will talk to her and see how things are going 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 4, 2022 Share Posted April 4, 2022 If this isn’t for you then move back to Europe. Anything worth it will be hard work. I’d consider whether you were both in a honeymoon period and second, whether setting up a business in tourism under these current conditions is feasible. If you didn’t like teaching or were trying to get out of teaching English for awhile maybe you’ve hung onto this business idea for so long that you haven’t yet considered whether you still wanted to do it at all. When push comes to shove it turns out you don’t want to. I don’t see why you can’t work another job while you think of something else to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 4, 2022 Share Posted April 4, 2022 42 minutes ago, gimlynick said: I just don´t feel to starting something here. Ok be honest with her and yourself that it's not working out there and you're homesick. Link to post Share on other sites
AngryGromit Posted April 4, 2022 Share Posted April 4, 2022 (edited) On 4/2/2022 at 5:30 PM, gimlynick said: Long story short, I have been living in South America, in a huge city, for over 6 months now. We had a super chill life in Europe with a high income and a lot of holidays, she just didnt like the rainy, shitty weather... But here I don´t have a job... So she had a super high paying job, or did you? So you relocated without securing employment first? Do you know the language? Edited April 4, 2022 by AngryGromit Link to post Share on other sites
Author gimlynick Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 (edited) Exactly. Homesick and also not knowing what job I really would love or want to do. In Europe I had a high paying government job... With all the amazing benefits ( a lot of holidays, job security, no stress, healthcare and no phone calls after hours ). But here her family has a 300 people business and she is getting introduced deeper and deeper in the high end of the company. She loves it but it also gives her stress, tons of hours not being home, phone calls home, checking mails every night,... Our life was super relax before, with a lot of travelling and spontanouos adventures, that´s all gone because there is literally no time for it. I have travelled here a lot in the last months ( short trips to all areas of the country ) and everytime I am back in the big city I hate it after 2 hours. But I also love to be back with her next to my side... I do know the language. I took a year off at work, so I always have my job in Europe in case things go down here... The idea ehre was to start the tourist business and be ready when the pandemia weakens. There is a huge tourism explosion coming... I wanted to jump on that train... Edited April 6, 2022 by gimlynick Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 (edited) I would leave. And I am speaking as a person who was willing to (and did) relocate for a partner, and ended up loving the country that I moved to. The country that you live in affects your life in so many aspects that most people don't even think of. Work culture and work-life balance are HUGE things, and vary so much from country to country. In some countries it's taboo for your employer to even email you on weekends or nights, and if they ever did, you can just ignore it and check your email the next time you're at work. On the other hand, in some countries it's absolutely expected that you will be "on call" to your employer 24/7, and that basically prevents anyone from enjoying their life outside of work. Same goes with work hours, etc. If you're not happy, or at least reasonably content with the country that you are living in, you will not be happy with your life, and consequently you will not be happy with your relationship. If there is no possibility of finding a country that BOTH people are reasonably happy living in, IMO the relationship does not stand a chance. You gave it a try, and realized it's not for you. Good on you for trying, that's all anyone can do. Edited April 6, 2022 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
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