Not trusting myself anymore

[mortensorchid]

THis is a major problem that I have just recently realized about me.  In the past, some people have accused me of not listening to my gut, ignoring red flags, etc.  Why?  Because I have found a few things to be the case with me :

1) Silence - I used to try to include myself in conversations with others in high school, and it was met with retaliation.  They just said "None of your business" or said "I'm not interested in what you're saying".  Well that hurt, I was socially awkward to begin with but that didn't help matters.

2) Chewing out - I have been chewed out by others when I used to be a more flamboyant person, kind of that living in the tabloids time we all go through in our 20s (like Paris Hilton and the like).  I was beaten down then and was a few more times for doing / saying things I shouldn't have.  Some if not all of it was based on jealousy, but that's not really the issue.  It left me burned and hurt.  

3) Problem solving - I have tried to handle some things on the job with strictly work related problems with grace and dignity, keeping my cool and patience with both coworkers, bosses (and now that I am a teacher, students as well).  There was one situation I was in years ago where I consulted specifically how I was supposed to handle a situation with a boss.  While I said the right thing to the boss, she countered back by saying "Really?  I do think that's a reflection on you.  You're not too smart at all."  I found out later on that was a very mean, immature thing of a boss to say to someone.  I was still rather young and relatively nieve still.  But that hurt me again saying that even if and when I am doing / saying the right things that others don't want to hear that either.

4) Relationships - All of the men I have dated in the past have dumped me.  Why?  I am boring, I don't cause problems, I am agreeable, yet serious.  Instead they want [girls who are very different to me]  Seems to be the case.  This has hurt me once again to such a point that I don't think I am an attractive person anymore.  

All of these things have hurt and chipped away at my self esteem.  I don't think I am worthy of happiness other than I can get by myself anymore.  In that I don't bother anyone, keep to myself, and don't say much to others other than just being polite.  I have tried with others but I am met with apathy and whatever else.  Has anyone else felt like this?  If so, how did you get past it? 

Edited April 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[basil67]

A few people I know have had years of not getting connections right and feeling somehow 'different' and finally received a dx of autism.  For them, the dx was life changing.   I'm not diagnosing you, but it does seem that you're the constant here - have you worked with a psychologist to help unpack all of this and try to make sense of it?  

[Noproblem]

I always tell you to move to somewhere else and start fresh..

I don't think anything will change in your life by living where you live, you need to go to the big cities.

Relocate!

Also. don't ever change yourself!

Edited April 6, 2022 by Noproblem

[chillii]

Sorta good advice to my mind above there.

l mean we make adjustments to ourselves and try to fix a few things , but we've gotta be us too and if that's a problem with some, other people, the right people and it all just fits.

Sounds very very closed where you are, the moving thing might be a good idea, we need to find out place and things will fit. l always think to forget crap from when we were young, we were young, learning, that was then but we are here in the now and know better, it doesn't matter anymore, it's the now that counts. PS, l agree to, you should see someone and lay it all out.