Should I move on?

[Hankypanky9229]

Hey guys kind of a long post here but 

I was seeing this girl for a month and a half. We decided to be exclusive about 2 weeks into dating and things were great at first and we had a great connection but there were some issues. To start I was putting in all of the effort and getting nothing back. I've taken her on four dates and bought her frozen yogurt a couple times and only got so much as a thank you one time for the very last date we went on. I felt unappreciated. When we were together she was very attentive and gave me her undivided attention. But when we're not together she would take forever to reply when she wasn't at work. (When she's at work of course I let her take her time to reply because she's busy at work). And there is also an incident the night we had our last date. I happen to glance over at her phone, unintentionally, and saw a guy's name in her snapchat. She snapchats all the time so I know she knows who he is and he was the third message on her snapchat. I asked her who he was later that night and she couldn't look me in the face and tell me and told me she doesn't know who he is or anyone by that name. The next day she tried to explain to me who he is which signals to me that she lied and is talking to somebody else. The last day we talked I told her I felt my needs weren't being met. She said we could meet up tomorrow (the next day) and talk about things. But I just couldn't hold it back anymore. I got angry and told her that my needs weren't being met and I felt unappreciated and that if my needs couldn't be met then I can't continue this. In the heat of things she got irritated and said some stuff and then said "maybe things should end here". I told her I just wanted to feel appreciated and for her to put effort in. Then ended with "but okay". It sucks because I feel like she just didn't care about me as much as I cared about her and used me for validation and to make herself feel better. I really miss her and wish she would realize that she treated me wrong and come back to fix things and work things out with me. Did I do the right thing by walking away? 

[basil67]

Your frustration was entirely understandable.   It's also understandable that after your outburst she did not want to spend fixing things with you

You've only been together for six weeks and have had four dates. There really shouldn't be so much drama this early on.

 

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by basil67

[Hankypanky9229]

There wouldn't have been drama if she would've done her part. If she really cared about me she would've made the effort in the first place. Should I try to fix things or should I move on? I reached out to her a couple times with no response.

Edited April 5, 2022 by Hankypanky9229

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

There wouldn't have been drama if she would've done her part. If she really cared about me she would've made the effort in the first place.

She cared enough to suggest meeting the next day to try and address the problems.  

[Hankypanky9229]

You're right.. sigh. I don't know what to do at this point.

[basil67]

There's nothing you can do except move on.  Find a woman who better meets your needs and you'll be so much happier

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I feel like she just didn't care about me as much as I cared about her

You are right about that, unfortunately. She doesn't appear to have been as into you as you were into her. 

5 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

wish she would realize that she treated me wrong

Eh, you need to drop this line of thinking. No, she wasn't the nicest person. But you can't make someone care about you when they just don't. Rather than try to force it after just 6 weeks of dating, you needed to walk away. So yes, you did the right thing. There's no fixing sheer lack of interest. 

3 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I reached out to her a couple times with no response.

As I said, there is no fixing this when she's just not interested anymore. She doesn't want what you want and is sending the message through her silence that you need to let go and stop contacting her. 

In the future, when you are already having problems when you've barely started dating? It's a sign that you're with the wrong person and wasting your time. 

[Hankypanky9229]

Actually I'm doing some reflecting on our 6 weeks together today. Starting to realize how much she actually did care about me. She just showed it in ways that I didn't notice. Like spending quality time and giving me lots of affection. I'm starting to realize that most of the problem was my neediness and insecurity. Which are things I need to work on. And the fact that I believe she was talking to another guy for a very good reason. She probably feels guilty for talking to another guy and making me believe I wasn't trusting her. If we worked on these issues together I'm sure we could work it out. As long as I overcome my neediness and insecurity and she stays loyal. But maybe this is a lost cause if she's not loyal. I don't know I'm very conflicted right now maybe it is best to move on. I wouldn't want to be with somebody who's not loyal. I deserve better.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

If we worked on these issues together I'm sure we could work it out.

You're missing the point here. 

There shouldn't be issues after just 6 weeks. That's way too early to be needing to work on issues. When you have problems this early on, it's not a match. 

[Hankypanky9229]

Yeah you're right. I'm realizing that right now. What I need to do is work on myself so I don't carry these problems into any future relationships. Thanks for being real with me

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

 I reached out to her a couple times with no response.

Sorry this happened. You're not compatible. Try not to dictate what someone else "should" be doing to "meet your needs".

Either someone makes you happy or they don't. Being clingy and controlling is a turn off, so avoid that in the future.

Just observe if someone makes you happy. If not, tell them you're not a match and move along.

[Hankypanky9229]

Thank you. You're right. It's weird (but good) to see things in this new way because I'm 29 and used to being needy and clingy, even though I don't mean to be. I'm happy now because I know I'm moving in the right direction.

[glows]

If your overall gut feeling is telling you she’s using you for her own validation (insincere) then don’t doubt yourself. There may be some attraction on her part but not enough. Don’t feel guilty or terrible about letting her go. You don’t have to rationalize everything. If it doesn’t feel good, move on. 

[Hankypanky9229]

3 hours ago, glows said:

If your overall gut feeling is telling you she’s using you for her own validation (insincere) then don’t doubt yourself. There may be some attraction on her part but not enough. Don’t feel guilty or terrible about letting her go. You don’t have to rationalize everything. If it doesn’t feel good, move on. 

I'm still processing it all. She left so abruptly that I didn't have the chance to get some clarity on things. I think she really did like me a lot and wasn't using me for validation but I pushed her away with my insecurities.

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I'm still processing it all. She left so abruptly that I didn't have the chance to get some clarity on things. I think she really did like me a lot and wasn't using me for validation but I pushed her away with my insecurities.

Since you know where you might have went wrong, try not to do it again. We can learn from this. 

[Hankypanky9229]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Since you know where you might have went wrong, try not to do it again. We can learn from this. 

Yeah I'm actively taking steps to improve. Dan Bacon has great advice that I'm following. I can't blame her for how things turned out. It's really my fault.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I think she really did like me a lot and wasn't using me for validation but I pushed her away with my insecurities.

Before you swallow all the blame, what exactly did you say or do that you think pushed her away? 

[Hankypanky9229]

17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Before you swallow all the blame, what exactly did you say or do that you think pushed her away? 

Two Saturdays ago we went to go rollerblading. After skating for about an hour we sat down to rest. I happen to look over and see her phone, unintentionally, and there was this guy in her phone. She's a snapchater so I know she knows who's in her Snapchat. He was the third message on her list. I asked her about it later that night and she seemed like she was hiding something and said she doesn't know who he is or anyone by the name dakota. The next day we talked about it and she tried to explain who Dakota is. I believe she was talking to somebody else and guilt trip to me and to thinking I wasn't being trusting. That situation plus I felt like I was putting in all kinds of effort and not getting as much back from her that I put in. So four days later we had a not so great day talking over text, and I sent her this text message "To be completely honest with you I can't keep doing this if you can't care for my needs as well. I do so much for you and I can't even get a good morning text. You don't invite me over, you've only said thank you for one date, and I make all of the effort in this. It's not fair to me. I have needs too. If you can't meet my needs then I can't continue this. I won't be taken for granted or unappreciated." To which she replied "I literally fell asleep because I am exhausted. We agreed we would talk tomorrow & that is what I was planning on but you won't stop. I'm tired of feeling like I need to be constantly defending myself. So maybe things should just end here." To which I replied "You don't need to defend yourself and I'm not intending to make you feel that way. I just want to feel appreciated and cared about and wanted. But okay"

 

I've reached out a couple times since then trying to fix things but haven't heard from her since she said we should end things here. She also deleted me off Snapchat but not Instagram. Probably because I was posting snaps and she didn't wanna look at them to be reminded of me.

 

Edit: for these reasons I believe my insecurities and neediness ruined things.

Edited April 5, 2022 by Hankypanky9229

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I do so much for you and I can't even get a good morning text.

After 4 dates? You were way too heavily invested. 

And she wasn't feeling it the way you were. So while I would agree you were too needy, she also didn't seem that interested. Next time, dial your expectations back. Let someone show you they want to be with you. And if they don't, don't throw a text tantrum about it. Simply recognize they're not the one for you and move along. 

[Hankypanky9229]

She showed me in person with the way she matched my energy with how affectionate she was and gave me her undivided attention. We were moving fast but both agreed that we were comfortable with the pace and liked how things were going. Her reason for not doing things like texting me first and not asking me if I wanted to hang out was because she sees that as pursuing and she believes the man should pursue the woman which I have no problem with. I think she was into me as much as I was into her because she would always talk about the future and making future plans and doing and saying things that show that she was heavily invested in me. I think that either 1. She's just not a great texter or 2. She was distant over text because she was playing hard to get and wanted to make me miss her.

Edited April 5, 2022 by Hankypanky9229

[glows]

18 minutes ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

She showed me in person with the way she matched my energy with how affectionate she was and gave me her undivided attention. We were moving fast but both agreed that we were comfortable with the pace and liked how things were going. Her reason for not doing things like texting me first and not asking me if I wanted to hang out was because she sees that as pursuing and she believes the man should pursue the woman which I have no problem with. I think she was into me as much as I was into her because she would always talk about the future and making future plans and doing and saying things that show that she was heavily invested in me. I think that either 1. She's just not a great texter or 2. She was distant over text because she was playing hard to get and wanted to make me miss her.

Do you tend to get anxious in the getting to know you stages of dating? I ask as I'm getting the feeling like you need to feel your partner is on the same page all the time, a little more frequently than the average person. While that's not a bad thing it's also a good idea to use the time to observe whether that person is your match or compatible with you in other areas. Having that down time to think about the last date or leave room for the anticipation inbetween messages is part of the the joys in getting to know someone new. 

 

[Hankypanky9229]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you tend to get anxious in the getting to know you stages of dating? I ask as I'm getting the feeling like you need to feel your partner is on the same page all the time, a little more frequently than the average person. While that's not a bad thing it's also a good idea to use the time to observe whether that person is your match or compatible with you in other areas. Having that down time to think about the last date or leave room for the anticipation inbetween messages is part of the the joys in getting to know someone new. 

 

Yeah you're spot on. That's exactly what it is. And that makes sense, like time to miss each other. We saw each other almost every day for the month and a half that we dated. The amount of days we didn't see each other probably added up to about a week and a half.

Edit: I'm gaining a lot of insight into this situation by the questions you're asking.

Edited April 5, 2022 by Hankypanky9229

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I sent her this text message "To be completely honest with you I can't keep doing this if you can't care for my needs as well. I do so much for you and I can't even get a good morning text. You don't invite me over, you've only said thank you for one date, and I make all of the effort in this. It's not fair to me. I have needs too. If you can't meet my needs then I can't continue this. I won't be taken for granted or unappreciated.

I don't think it was your insecurity which killed this.  I think it was the fact that you haven't learned the knack of how communicate in an effective manner.   The problem with all of this is that it's so very aggressive and would only have served to put her on the defensive and alienate her from you.   Not only that, but you've hit her with a litany of complaints all in one go.  And by text 😳

Let's have a look at how it could have been done

"To be completely honest with you I can't keep doing this if you can't care for my needs as well.  This is an ultimatum. Do not give ultimatums unless all positive behaviour strategies have failed and you are prepared to carry out the ultimatum

I do so much for you and I can't even get a good morning text.  She already knows what you do, so you don't have to slam it home.  However, wanting a good morning text is reasonable request.   Something like "I'd love to receive the occasional good morning text so that I know you're thinking about me" isn't going to get a negative reaction from her.  

You don't invite me over, you've only said thank you for one date, and I make all of the effort in this.   'you statements' are guaranteed to put the other party on the defensive.  And again, there's no need to compare your actions with hers.   It would have been far more productive to say "I'd love it if you'd invite me over to your place sometimes"  "I'd appreciate a thank you after a great date - I sometimes feel taken for granted"

It's not fair to me. I have needs too. If you can't meet my needs then I can't continue this. I won't be taken for granted or unappreciated.  More ultimatums serve only to further alienate her.  

Next time there's an issue with a girlfriend, address things one at a time and sparingly.  And use wording which is assertive rather than aggressive.   There are loads of resources out there to help.  In particular look for support on learning assertive communication and "I statements"

 

 

Edited April 5, 2022 by basil67

[Hankypanky9229]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't think it was your insecurity which killed this.  I think it was the fact that you haven't learned the knack of how communicate in an effective manner.   The problem with all of this is that it's so very aggressive and would only have served to put her on the defensive and alienate her from you.   Not only that, but you've hit her with a litany of complaints all in one go.  And by text!!!

Let's have a look at how it could have been done

"To be completely honest with you I can't keep doing this if you can't care for my needs as well.  This is an ultimatum. Do not give ultimatums unless you are prepared to carry them out

I do so much for you and I can't even get a good morning text.  She already knows what you do, so you don't have to slam it home.  However, wanting a good morning text is reasonable request.   Something like "I'd love to receive the occasional good morning text so that I know you're thinking about me" isn't going to get a negative reaction from her.  

You don't invite me over, you've only said thank you for one date, and I make all of the effort in this.   'you statements' are guaranteed to put the other party on the defensive.  And again, there's no need to compare your actions with hers.   It would have been far more productive to say "I'd love it if you'd invite me over to your place sometimes"  "I'd appreciate a thank you after a great date - I sometimes feel taken for granted"

It's not fair to me. I have needs too. If you can't meet my needs then I can't continue this. I won't be taken for granted or unappreciated.  More ultimatums serve only to further alienate her.  

Next time there's an issue with a girlfriend, address things one at a time and sparingly.  And use wording which is assertive rather than aggressive.   There are loads of resources out there to help.  In particular look for support on learning assertive communication and "I statements"

 

 

That's some really helpful advice thank you. The way you put things, for example, you say instead to tell her "I'd love to receive the occasional good morning text so that I know you're thinking about me", does that come across as assertive? To me I thought it would be needy if I said something like that. And I've had a problem with learning how to be assertive so this is interesting and giving me new insight.

[glows]

You're not compatible if she expects you to be initiating all the text messages. You were hinting at this earlier on when you mentioned that "she believes the man should pursue the woman". 

Learning to be assertive with the previous advice given is very valuable and at the same time you're going to also want to be observant about the person you're dealing with.