Should I move on?

[Hankypanky9229]

Just now, glows said:

You're not compatible if she expects you to be initiating all the text messages. You were hinting at this earlier on when you mentioned that "she believes the man should pursue the woman". 

Learning to be assertive with the previous advice given is very valuable and at the same time you're going to also want to be observant about the person you're dealing with. 

 

 

There was two times she messgaed me first. I think her way of thinking about texting is how you put it when you said "Having that down time to think about the last date or leave room for the anticipation inbetween messages is part of the the joys in getting to know someone new." Which I didn't realize until now. I'm sure she would've messgaed me first if I would've explained it assertively as basil67 said.

[basil67]

Perhaps another way to address it would be to simply say (in person) I've just been feeling a bit taken for granted recently.   If she cared, she'd likely apologise and ask how she could do things differently.    You could then reply with "I really appreciate a thank you when I've organised something nice"  and I "I really love a to receive a good morning text"

Regarding being needy, we all have needs and it's OK to express them.   Sometimes people are willing to meet your needs and sometimes people aren't.  If someone's not willing, then it's a simple matter of compatibility.   

But other times, there are different ways to look at it - for instance, if a woman found compulsory 'good morning' texts contrived, but was proactive in planning dates and organising to spend time with you, would it matter so much?  I can't answer that for you, but there are often swings and roundabouts.   

When I left my first husband, among the issues was the problem that he didn't do romantic things for me such as buying flowers.  My second husband is the least romantic person in the world, but because he shows me his appreciation in many other ways, I found that I didn't need the flowers.  I realised that there are other ways to feel appreciated other than flowers. 

Edited April 5, 2022 by basil67

[Hankypanky9229]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Perhaps another way to address it would be to simply say (in person) I've just been feeling a bit taken for granted recently.   If she cared, she'd likely apologise and ask how she could do things differently.    You could then reply with "I really appreciate a thank you when I've organised something nice"  and I "I really love a to receive a good morning text"

Regarding being needy, we all have needs and it's OK to express them.   Sometimes people are willing to meet your needs and sometimes people aren't.  If someone's not willing, then it's a simple matter of compatibility.   

But other times, there are different ways to look at it - for instance, if a woman found compulsory 'good morning' texts contrived, but was proactive in planning dates and organising to spend time with you, would it matter so much?  I can't answer that for you, but there are often swings and roundabouts.   

When I left my first husband, among the issues was the problem that he didn't do romantic things for me such as buying flowers.  My second husband is the least romantic person in the world, but because he shows me his appreciation in many other ways, I found that I didn't need the flowers.  I realised that there are other ways to feel appreciated other than flowers. 

I wish I would've had this mindset goin into things. I was definitely not prepared for this. If it were a year or two I the future I would have worked on these things already and been in a better place to be able to be the man she needed. I don't think there's anything wrong with me now, I think I deserve her, but I'm currently not ready emotionally or mentally for it. Sigh. Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate it.

[basil67]

Make sure to not be too hard on yourself.   View it as a learning experience.   And make sure you don’t put her up on a pedestal.  After all, she was messaging with that guy…..

[Hankypanky9229]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Make sure to not be too hard on yourself.   View it as a learning experience.   And make sure you don’t put her up on a pedestal.  After all, she was messaging with that guy…..

As far as I know she was. All I know is that his name was in her phone and she lied and said she doesn't know him. But that can only be for one reason right?

[basil67]

We can only speculate.  But no matter who it was, it was rude to be messaging him while you were on a date.  

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

she believes the man should pursue the woman which I have no problem with.

Actually, you do. Your complaints to her made that very clear. 

7 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

I think that either 1. She's just not a great texter or 2. She was distant over text because she was playing hard to get and wanted to make me miss her.

No. I think you are back-pedalling now because you are trying to rewrite the narrative and don't want to consider the possibility that maybe she wasn't as into this as you were. Yes, you were overbearing in your demands and the way you communicated after just 4 dates. But I think you were reacting to the realization that she wasn't entirely on the same page as you, either. 

She was also communicating with another guy while she was on a date with you. You need to wake up here, man. A woman who is excited about you isn't going to be doing crap like that, and especially not while she is supposed to be enjoying a date with you. She then proceeded to lie about who he is. Again, a woman who is transparent and wants to keep you around doesn't engage in this sort of behaviour. 

[Hankypanky9229]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Actually, you do. Your complaints to her made that very clear. 

No. I think you are back-pedalling now because you are trying to rewrite the narrative and don't want to consider the possibility that maybe she wasn't as into this as you were. Yes, you were overbearing in your demands and the way you communicated after just 4 dates. But I think you were reacting to the realization that she wasn't entirely on the same page as you, either. 

She was also communicating with another guy while she was on a date with you. You need to wake up here, man. A woman who is excited about you isn't going to be doing crap like that, and especially not while she is supposed to be enjoying a date with you. She then proceeded to lie about who he is. Again, a woman who is transparent and wants to keep you around doesn't engage in this sort of behaviour. 

It sucks because she led me on to believe she was into it as much as I was.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 dates is far too little to really assess someone's true interest, though. And fair enough .- you barely know each other after 4 dates. 

In the future, keep your expectations in check. Don't rush into exclusivity without really knowing who you're committing to. Take your time evaluating someone's compatibility with you without telling them how they should behave. People will show you who they are and what their intentions are. 

[Hankypanky9229]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

4 dates is far too little to really assess someone's true interest, though. And fair enough .- you barely know each other after 4 dates. 

In the future, keep your expectations in check. Don't rush into exclusivity without really knowing who you're committing to. Take your time evaluating someone's compatibility with you without telling them how they should behave. People will show you who they are and what their intentions are. 

Yeah you're right. I guess one thing that I needed was answers and you guys here on this post have been helping me get those answers so I appreciate that. I'm feeling a lot better about it today and I'm accepting that it's over. I'm taking the advice here with me into the next person I date. And that's part of growth and personal development right? I'm moving in the right direction. 🙂

Edited April 6, 2022 by Hankypanky9229

[notbroken]

She hasn't responded back to you in two tries.  Honestly, the rest doesn't matter much.  She's gone.  You'll have to accept that.  Learn whatever lessons there are to be learned and move on - quickly.   Forgive yourself any mistakes and be 'easy going' the first few months when dating in the future.   

[Hankypanky9229]

Why do I get this feeling that the girl I was dating will come back? It's a strong undeniable feeling that I can't shake. In the end I believe she was done with me and setting up something with another guy and just wanted me to leave. Part of me thinks that she will realize how good I treated her and she won't be able to find that with somebody else, and we'll come back. And I feel like she realizes she took me for granted and now regrets her decision. Has anyone had the same undeniable feeling that the person you were seeing would come back, and if so did they?

Edited April 7, 2022 by Hankypanky9229

[glows]

50 minutes ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

Why do I get this feeling that the girl I was dating will come back? It's a strong undeniable feeling that I can't shake. In the end I believe she was done with me and setting up something with another guy and just wanted me to leave. Part of me thinks that she will realize how good I treated her and she won't be able to find that with somebody else, and we'll come back. And I feel like she realizes she took me for granted and now regrets her decision. Has anyone had the same undeniable feeling that the person you were seeing would come back, and if so did they?

I've been mad but I haven't thought to myself that it would be any better the second time around. You seem to doubt yourself quite a lot. You only knew each other for a few weeks. I don't know if that's long enough for anyone to think that they took anyone forgranted or regrets much. You weren't compatible early on and are two ships passing in the night. Try not to fixate on this one person. Let go. Meet new people.  Let this pass.

[basil67]

Reading your thread, it appears your thoughts are chaotic with all these conflicting emotions.  I think this is part of the process of getting over the breakup.  It's going to be rocky for a bit, but you'll feel better when you come out the other side.   

It's early days

[Hankypanky9229]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Reading your thread, it appears your thoughts are chaotic with all these conflicting emotions.  I think this is part of the process of getting over the breakup.  It's going to be rocky for a bit, but you'll feel better when you come out the other side.   

It's early days

Yeah it's just weird how she could act so into me, then be setting up another guy to date right after me, and leave so abruptly like she never cared about me. It's really messing me up inside

[basil67]

48 minutes ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

and leave so abruptly like she never cared about me.

She cared enough to offer to meet with you so that you could talk it over and find a resolution, but you lost your temper and were so rude to her....and she decided she needed to end it on the spot.   It seems to me that you don't grasp how scary/intimidating it can be when a partner loses their temper like that

I ask this kindly: did you see people arguing in this way when you were growing up?   If so, it's understandable that you may think it's a normal way to address an issue.  But for a lot of us, the way you worded that outburst would be a deal breaker....especially so early in the relationship.   I too, would have ended it on the spot if I was spoken to like that

Edited April 8, 2022 by basil67

[Hankypanky9229]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

She cared enough to offer to meet with you so that you could talk it over and find a resolution, but you lost your temper and were so rude to her....and she decided she needed to end it on the spot.   It seems to me that you don't grasp how scary/intimidating it can be when a partner loses their temper like that

I ask this kindly: did you see people arguing in this way when you were growing up?   If so, it's understandable that you may think it's a normal way to address an issue.  But for a lot of us, the way you worded that outburst would be a deal breaker....especially so early in the relationship.   I too, would have ended it on the spot if I was spoken to like that

My mother handles every interaction this way.

But she was already talking to someone else at least a couple days before me and her split. Plus I could tell she was getting distant and wanted to end things before the day we actually did. It was kind of obvious.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

Yeah it's just weird how she could act so into me, then be setting up another guy to date right after me, and leave so abruptly like she never cared about me. It's really messing me up inside

Becuase she was not invested in you, OP. 

That doesn't mean she didn't like you on some level, but you're speaking about this as if it were a long-term relationship. It was 4 dates. She wasn't attached yet, and that makes sense and is actually perfectly normal and healthy.  It was way too early to be as heavily invested as you appeared to be. That's why her abrupt departure is not that weird. This wasn't some deep emotional involvement on her end yet. 

7 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

Why do I get this feeling that the girl I was dating will come back?

This your hope speaking. It doesn't mean anything more than you really want her to come back. 

I would sit with youself and get to the bottom of why you got so attached so soon. There's some big underlying anxiety and fear steering your ship here, and it's leading you to move way too fast with a woman you barely knew. 

[Hankypanky9229]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Becuase she was not invested in you, OP. 

That doesn't mean she didn't like you on some level, but you're speaking about this as if it were a long-term relationship. It was 4 dates. She wasn't attached yet, and that makes sense and is actually perfectly normal and healthy.  It was way too early to be as heavily invested as you appeared to be. That's why her abrupt departure is not that weird. This wasn't some deep emotional involvement on her end yet. 

This your hope speaking. It doesn't mean anything more than you really want her to come back. 

I would sit with youself and get to the bottom of why you got so attached so soon. There's some big underlying anxiety and fear steering your ship here, and it's leading you to move way too fast with a woman you barely knew. 

You're right and I know it. Most of this is just me expressing my feelings as I'm going through the motions of getting over her. It's true that there's some deeper underlying anxiety here and I'm addressing it. I can't change right away but I have to go through the motions of how I feel about it right now and when I feel better I'll be able to address the underlying anxiety issues I have. In all honesty this is how it's always been when I had girlfriends or really liked someone I dated. Short lived and attached way too fast.  My longest relationship was 8 months and it was toxic. But after dating this girl now I watched a lot of videos on YouTube and it made me realize the things you're saying, that I have deeper underlying issues I need to work on. I can't thank you enough for being honest with me because this is the advice I wish I would've gotten years ago.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

My mother handles every interaction this way.

And I bet this is rotten for you, your father and your siblings - it's a really toxic way to handle conflict.  You sound very engaged in self improvement and I'm sure you can do better in the future. 

[Hankypanky9229]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

And I bet this is rotten for you, your father and your siblings - it's a really toxic way to handle conflict.  You sound very engaged in self improvement and I'm sure you can do better in the future. 

Thank you. Yes I am engaged in self improvement and I know I can. I can and I will. I don't know what it was about this girl in particular but dating this girl really opened my eyes. I know what I have to do now and I'm prepared to better myself for myself first and any future partners I'll have. I'll make it exactly where I wanna be someday and I'll come back here to thank you for the 50th time for the help you gave me hahaha

[Hankypanky9229]

I cannot shake this feeling that she's going to come back. I keep trying to convince myself it's over and she's not coming back but my gut is YELLING at me saying I'm wrong and that she's going to come back. It's a calm and confident feeling and I cannot deny it. It's sticking with me no matter what I do to try to shake it. I've had feelings like this before and they've turned out to be true many times and I'm a very intuitive person.

[Alpacalia]

On 4/7/2022 at 3:06 PM, Hankypanky9229 said:

Has anyone had the same undeniable feeling that the person you were seeing would come back, and if so did they?

In the past, I did.

The pain in my heart was unbearable. He ended up getting married, so it wasn't meant to be.

 

[Hankypanky9229]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In the past, I did.

The pain in my heart was unbearable. He ended up getting married, so it wasn't meant to be.

 

What feelings did you have that made you believe he would come back?

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Hankypanky9229 said:

What feelings did you have that made you believe he would come back?

I have a hard time explaining it.

Almost like being affected by a gravitational force.

Just one of those things you can't quite put your finger on.

Please do not follow my example.

In retrospect, I wish I had made peace with it long ago instead of wasting so much time trying to hold onto it.