Ellle Posted April 5, 2022 Share Posted April 5, 2022 I'm in college and broke up with my boyfriend of more than two years after finding out he was communicating with multiple people on a dating app. I never had any suspicions until then, and he had already stopped when I found out. But, it was so hurtful that I felt betrayed and could not continue in the relationship, especially after seeing the nature of many of the texts. To my knowledge, he never met any in person. We were ALWAYS together until this happened. I backed away and he sent paragraphs apologizing and saying how he wants to be with me. He made an effort for about two weeks. Week 3, the effort was gone. He still texted constantly until I recently went NC by blocking him because of his lack of effort. He doesn't like NC and has asked me to please unblock him on everything. We have class together, so that's how he communicated with me. He claims he loves me and wants to be together but needs time. I'm okay with time because he does have things to work on. I'm not okay with giving him time to explore his options while he strings me along. He seems sincere, but I just keep feeling like he would fight right now if he really wanted to work things out. So, how do I know if he means it? Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 2 hours ago, Ellle said: He seems sincere, but I just keep feeling like he would fight right now if he really wanted to work things out. So, how do I know if he means it? How do you know if he's serious? You don't. That's the issue, isn't it? For this has created a ripple in your mind already and that won’t subside until put to rest. Are you comfortable with his behavior? In the event that the tables were turned, would he be as forgiving? Is he giving these girls his personal number? What you really need to identify is why he's doing this and why does he need attention from other girls. There may be less stress if you end the relationship with as little drama as possible. At the very least, taking a break from him and relationships and spending time alone learning about what a healthy relationship is. In the future, don’t give anyone a "Get Out of Jail Free Card." If you don’t hold people you’re committed to accountable, you’re saying it’s okay to violate agreements with you. You don’t have to “punish” them, but you also can’t pretend you can have a committed relationship with someone who is not committed to exclusively dating you. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 6 hours ago, Ellle said: He claims he loves me and wants to be together but needs time. Oh, girl. No. Just no. Time for what? He had had plenty of time to make things right with you, and you know, not shop for your replacement. I can guarantee he is using this time to explore other girls. Don't make the mistake of waiting around for a guy who has no respect for you (and he doesn't) Your relaitonship with him is not salvagable. He doesn't love you that way anymore, or he wouldn't have been on a dating app to begin with. And by the way? Don't let him dictate how you handle this break up: 6 hours ago, Ellle said: He doesn't like NC and has asked me to please unblock him on everything. Who cares what this clown lkes? I'm sure you didn't like him on dating apps, but he went ahead and did that anyway. What a tremendous sesne of entitlement he has. But it speaks again to his utter lack of respect and care for you. Tell him to kick rocks and block him everywhere again. You are not going to want to be in touch when you learn he's dating one of his app-girls anyway, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 10 hours ago, Ellle said: I'm in college and broke up with my boyfriend of more than two years after finding out he was communicating with multiple people on a dating app. You did the right thing. Delete and block him. If he wants to screw around on dating apps, don't be part of that nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 14 hours ago, Ellle said: He seems sincere, but I just keep feeling like he would fight right now if he really wanted to work things out. What is your idea of fightiing for you? He tried for 2 weeks and you didn't give in and at his age he probably got interested in someone else during that time. Now he's telling you he needs time and I imagine that is because he wants to explore with other girl(s) he met during those 2 weeks. I don't think should try to get back together with him because he will break your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 6, 2022 Share Posted April 6, 2022 17 hours ago, Ellle said: I'm in college and broke up with my boyfriend of more than two years after finding out he was communicating with multiple people on a dating app. I never had any suspicions until then, and he had already stopped when I found out. But, it was so hurtful that I felt betrayed and could not continue in the relationship, especially after seeing the nature of many of the texts. To my knowledge, he never met any in person. We were ALWAYS together until this happened. I backed away and he sent paragraphs apologizing and saying how he wants to be with me. He made an effort for about two weeks. Week 3, the effort was gone. He still texted constantly until I recently went NC by blocking him because of his lack of effort. He doesn't like NC and has asked me to please unblock him on everything. We have class together, so that's how he communicated with me. He claims he loves me and wants to be together but needs time. I'm okay with time because he does have things to work on. I'm not okay with giving him time to explore his options while he strings me along. He seems sincere, but I just keep feeling like he would fight right now if he really wanted to work things out. So, how do I know if he means it? This is probably made worse by having to see him in class or listen to him ask for forgiveness. When deciding whether to be with someone watch their actions over anything a person says. It’ll tell you all you need to know. Decide whether you’ve seen enough. Sometimes letting go is less about the other person and the disappointment they turned out to be and more making peace with your hopes or dreams ending in that relationship. Say goodbye to that and make peace with all that. See whether you feel better about ending this for good and what your decision is then. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellle Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 4 hours ago, glows said: This is probably made worse by having to see him in class or listen to him ask for forgiveness. When deciding whether to be with someone watch their actions over anything a person says. It’ll tell you all you need to know. Decide whether you’ve seen enough. Sometimes letting go is less about the other person and the disappointment they turned out to be and more making peace with your hopes or dreams ending in that relationship. Say goodbye to that and make peace with all that. See whether you feel better about ending this for good and what your decision is then. Yes, for sure. We have almost every class together. Not my best decision. His words and actions so far have not matched, and that is why I have gone NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellle Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 7 hours ago, stillafool said: What is your idea of fightiing for you? He tried for 2 weeks and you didn't give in and at his age he probably got interested in someone else during that time. Now he's telling you he needs time and I imagine that is because he wants to explore with other girl(s) he met during those 2 weeks. I don't think should try to get back together with him because he will break your heart. I had not looked at it like this, and that is a valid point. I was so hurt those first few weeks that the effort honestly didn't mean much to me because I felt like he was in crisis mode rather than truly being sorry for what he did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellle Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: You did the right thing. Delete and block him. If he wants to screw around on dating apps, don't be part of that nonsense. He is completely blocked right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellle Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Oh, girl. No. Just no. Time for what? He had had plenty of time to make things right with you, and you know, not shop for your replacement. I can guarantee he is using this time to explore other girls. Don't make the mistake of waiting around for a guy who has no respect for you (and he doesn't) Your relaitonship with him is not salvagable. He doesn't love you that way anymore, or he wouldn't have been on a dating app to begin with. And by the way? Don't let him dictate how you handle this break up: Who cares what this clown lkes? I'm sure you didn't like him on dating apps, but he went ahead and did that anyway. What a tremendous sesne of entitlement he has. But it speaks again to his utter lack of respect and care for you. Tell him to kick rocks and block him everywhere again. You are not going to want to be in touch when you learn he's dating one of his app-girls anyway, trust me. He is definitely still blocked on EVERYTHING. I had the discussion with him about his entitlement. It's like you know him. Ha! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ellle Posted April 6, 2022 Author Share Posted April 6, 2022 19 hours ago, Alpacalia said: How do you know if he's serious? You don't. That's the issue, isn't it? For this has created a ripple in your mind already and that won’t subside until put to rest. Are you comfortable with his behavior? In the event that the tables were turned, would he be as forgiving? Is he giving these girls his personal number? What you really need to identify is why he's doing this and why does he need attention from other girls. There may be less stress if you end the relationship with as little drama as possible. At the very least, taking a break from him and relationships and spending time alone learning about what a healthy relationship is. In the future, don’t give anyone a "Get Out of Jail Free Card." If you don’t hold people you’re committed to accountable, you’re saying it’s okay to violate agreements with you. You don’t have to “punish” them, but you also can’t pretend you can have a committed relationship with someone who is not committed to exclusively dating you. I am way too forgiving about things, and I know I need to work on that. But, this was a no brainer, so I ended it the moment I discovered what he had done. NC is bringing some peace. I still have to see him, and that's not easy. But, I haven't budged. I know he thinks I will take him back no matter what,and I won't. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 My view is to not think about forgiving and moving on ... or put it like this ... you should feel like it's near obvious to forgive him ... if you're not feeling that, then no, don't risk things with him ... BTW: did he ever come fully clean ... and own up to what he did? ... Be careful about people pretending to apologize and pretending to say they've grown and changed when in fact they have not. My ex was so good at PRETENDING like she was apologizing ... later, when I looked back and recalled her words, she never owned up to the behavior that I objected to ... NEVER! ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 7 hours ago, Ellle said: I am way too forgiving about things, and I know I need to work on that. It's less about forgiving, and more about your self-esteem. When our self-worth is intact and strong, we don't fear being without someone who treats us poorly. And we're thus far less likely to even entertain the notion of letting someone like him stay in our lives. This is done and over, but you will come out of it stronger. The lesson here is that some people don't deserve second chances. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 It sounds like you know what to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 7, 2022 Share Posted April 7, 2022 Start dating other guys. He’s not your guy if you expect decency. communicating with him again is just a waste of your time and energy. he wants the ego feed - and the booty call. Don’t do it. Link to post Share on other sites
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