Why would a guy compete for a woman's attention [UPDATE Should I ask if he has a girlfriend]

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

I think it's odd that he tries to get my attention when I ignore him. And I'm also tired of her looking at me and giving me a fake smile. That's why I'm going to ask him so he knows that I know he's full of it. It's ok if he lies but he'll still know that I know. 

If she works there it's her job to be friendly to customers.  Don't take it out on her because of the way he treats you.  She hasn't done anything.

[Sea_Database_6744]

Just now, stillafool said:

If she works there it's her job to be friendly to customers.  Don't take it out on her because of the way he treats you.  She hasn't done anything.

She rolled her eyes at me once when I ignored her when she said she could take me in her line and I stayed in his. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you’re really struggling to let go of this guy: 

It would be a good idea to avoid that store until you’re over him. His relationship status is irrelevant. 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

She rolled her eyes at me once when I ignored her when she said she could take me in her line and I stayed in his. 

TBH, I would have rolled my eyes too.  It was obvious you only stayed in his line so you would have a chance to see and talk to him.  That's chasing.  They may have laughed about that after you left.

Edited October 12, 2022 by stillafool

[Sea_Database_6744]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

TBH, I would have rolled my eyes too.  It was obvious you only stayed in his line so you would have a chance to see and talk to him.  That's chasing.

Staying in his line to talk to him is not chasing we make small talk. He asks me what I've been up to and I ask him how he's doing. Honestly how is that chasing? Last time I talked to him he told me he went out of town and he showed me something he got from his trip. So yeah if he thought I was chasing I doubt he would try to engage with me. It's the cashiers job to be nice and ring up groceries he doesn't have to talk to me or tell me about his travels etc.

And he's not the only cashier I talk to there is another guy who I talk to as well sometimes he asks me where I live and he asks me all kinds of questions is he chasing me? I mean really? 

Edited October 12, 2022 by Sea_Database_6744

[stillafool]

10 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

Honestly how is that chasing?

It's chasing because you only go to the store to see this guy and they all know it.  Of course he's going to speak to you.  It's flattering to him to have a girl chase him the way you do. 

 

13 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

sometimes he asks me where I live and he asks me all kinds of questions is he chasing me?

He's taken you on a date and had sex with you yet he doesn't know where you live?  No he's not chasing because he isn't the one who is trying to be around you, it's the other way around.  He talks to you to throw you breadcrumbs.

[Sea_Database_6744]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It's chasing because you only go to the store to see this guy and they all know it.  Of course he's going to speak to you.  It's flattering to him to have a girl chase him the way you do. 

 

He's taken you on a date and had sex with you yet he doesn't know where you live?  No he's not chasing because he isn't the one who is trying to be around you, it's the other way around.  He talks to you to throw you breadcrumbs.

I don't only go to the store to see him I've been shopping at that store for years before I even met this guy. And I am talking about a different guy who works there that asks me where I live not him. Nobody is chasing anyone people talk to regulars who they know at the stores they shop at all the time. I talk an older lady at a drugstore whenever I see her I guess I'm chasing her too right? Lol

[Sea_Database_6744]

I'll come back and say what he says I'll either see him today or tomorrow. 

Edited October 12, 2022 by Sea_Database_6744

[Sea_Database_6744]

43 minutes ago, stillafool said:

IMO ask him the question the next time he's with her.  That way you'll know if he's telling you the truth.  If she is his gf he will have to say it and if she isn't she will know if he has one or not so it won't be easy for him to lie.

I would do this but he's not always with her so it would be awhile and he doesn't talk to me when she's around. Or he'll run away from where she is when he sees me coming. 

[Versacehottie]

7 hours ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

Can you explain how I would setting myself up as anything by simply asking a question? 

You are continuing to "invest" and care about something in which you are a bit player at best.  Plus even in questioning this ^^^ back to me, your focus is on HIM and some OUTCOME with him. I said nothing a out "setting yourself up".  I asked what your end goal is?  I think to everyone reading this thread it's obvious that you think there is something you can do or say that will progress the relationship forward, assert your position as one greater than it is and/or make him feel some sort of guilt or that you are not "blind" to how he conducts his life. 

He obviously doesn't care. You seem to be turning very small things (like he walked away from a co-worker who is female and perhaps you are jealous or suspicious of) into some false narrative that you hold more meaning in his life or it's a love triangle or something like that. That's why I ask again--what is your end goal? What do you want out of CONFRONTING him with your believed observations?  

IMO, his actions already tell you what you need to know/do and where you should put your focus. He is not pursuing you. It seems like your efforts to try to manipulate things to the contrary won't really change that and are sort of silly in the big picture.  There is a lack of accepting reality here.

Edited October 12, 2022 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

It matters because he's shady and when I ask him about her he'll know that i will know that something is going on. Asking him a question isn't chasing he values her more than me? Yeah ok. Well then there should be no problem with me asking if he's in a relationship with her. He should be happy to share the news since he values her so much. 

And I also get tired of the looks that I get from her too.

Flawed logic stemming from low self esteem

[Sea_Database_6744]

15 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You are continuing to "invest" and care about something in which you are a bit player at best.  Plus even in questioning this ^^^ back to me, your focus is on HIM and some OUTCOME with him. I said nothing a out "setting yourself up".  I asked what your end goal is?  I think to everyone reading this thread it's obvious that you think there is something you can do or say that will progress the relationship forward, assert your position as one greater than it is and/or make him feel some sort of guilt or that you are not "blind" to how he conducts his life. 

He obviously doesn't care. You seem to be turning very small things (like he walked away from a co-worker who is female and perhaps you are jealous or suspicious of) into some false narrative that you hold more meaning in his life or it's a love triangle or something like that. That's why I ask again--what is your end goal? What do you want out of CONFRONTING him with your believed observations?  

IMO, his actions already tell you what you need to know/do and where you should put your focus. He is not pursuing you. It seems like your efforts to try to manipulate things to the contrary won't really change that and are sort of silly in the big picture.  There is a lack of accepting reality here.

I'm not trying to manipulate anything what's wrong with me asking if she's his girlfriend? He asks me what I've been up to so why can't I ask him questions? I'm not trying to assert my position I'm simply asking. So that I know why he acts the way that he does towards me when she's around. I never said he was pursuing me of course he wouldn't after I rejected him when he asked to see me again. 

I'm asking so I have information and clarity if she is his girlfriend I won't ever speak to or talk to him again. 

[Sea_Database_6744]

15 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Flawed logic stemming from low self esteem

Flawed logic stemming from low self esteem? I'm talking about facts so I'm not sure what you're saying.

[poppyfields]

11 hours ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

When I see him again I'm going to say "I didn't know your girlfriend worked here too" just to see what he'll say. Sometimes when I see her she looks at me and smiles.

@Sea_Database_6744 I have a different take on this.

First off, based on your initial post, it's not certain at all if this store cashier even IS his girlfriend. 

Pics together on SM does not a "girlfriend" make.  They are co-workers, friends.  I take pics with my co-worker/friend too.

I don't have SM but she does and she posts them on her FB.  They mean nothing. 

Her smiling at you?  Cashiers and other people smile at me too, all the time, I have that type of demeanor about me so I wouldn't read anything into that. 

Not to mention, if she knew he had cheated on her with you, I hardly think she would be smiling at you. 

Secondly, let's not lose sight of the fact this man cheated on his then-girlfriend with you, three years ago. 

HE is the "bad guy" here, NOT you.  You have done nothing wrong. 

For whatever reasons, you like this guy and that is your right and your business.  It's not for me to judge that. 

And as such, I see nothing bad or wrong with you wanting to know if he has a girlfriend or if his co-worker is his girlfriend.

Information is power and the more information you have, the better able you will be to make the right decision, whether to pursue this man or move on.

So go ahead and ask if knowing will enable you to move on.  It's not chasing, it's asking a question, seeking clarity. 

If he's single and available, ask him for coffee or something assuming you still like him. 

Edited October 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[glows]

1 hour ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

She rolled her eyes at me once when I ignored her when she said she could take me in her line and I stayed in his. 

Sorry to hear this. Looks like they know you’re a regular and have a serious crush on this guy. She doesn’t seem to care what you think or do. An eye roll is a sign of contempt. You initially came here to ask if it’s a bad idea. It probably is and the joke’s on you. They don’t care.

Or, I’d imagine he’s spun tales about that strange person who keeps coming back and waiting in line to talk with him. One thing you do know is he cheated on someone else to go on one date and have sex with you 3 years ago. On that one date that happened years ago you’re still concerned now about what they think (wanting them to know you “know”) and I don’t think they’re bothered at all. 

All of this sounds like such a waste. Go for it but it seems petty and a little weirdly self-righteous at this point. I can understand if you’re struggling with getting over this but you’re also doing yourself no favours continuing to interact with a cheater… at his workplace. You’re free to go where you please but I’m guessing it’s not going to stop at this one question. 

Edited October 12, 2022 by glows

[Sea_Database_6744]

23 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@Sea_Database_6744 I have a different take on this.

First off, based on your initial post, it's not certain at all if this store cashier even IS his girlfriend. 

Pics together on SM does not a "girlfriend" make.  They are co-workers, friends.  I take pics with my co-worker/friend too.

I don't have SM but she does and she posts them on her FB.  They mean nothing. 

Her smiling at you?  Cashiers and other people smile at me too, all the time, I have that type of demeanor about me so I wouldn't read anything into that. 

Secondly, let's not lose sight of the fact this man cheated on his then-girlfriend with you, three years ago. 

HE is the "bad guy" here, NOT you.  You have done nothing wrong. 

For whatever reasons, you like this guy and that is your right and your business.  It's not for me to judge that. 

And as such, I see nothing bad or wrong with you wanting to know if he has a girlfriend or if his co-worker is his girlfriend.

Information is power and the more information you have, the better able you will be to make the right decision, whether to pursue this man or move on.

So go ahead and ask if knowing will enable you to move on.  It's not chasing, it's asking a question, seeking clarity. 

If he's single and available, ask him for coffee or something assuming you still like him. 

Yes, I know coworkers take pictures together all the time. But there is a photo I saw of them together (him and her) where part of his face was cut out of the photo like he's hiding his face. And she was leaning back on him and his hand was on her shoulder. (I know his face and can tell it's him) and then I see another photo where she's in Canada and one time before he told me he was going there. So it's not just the photos of him and his coworkers. Thank you for not judging me and making me feel like I'm doing something wrong by asking. I just want clarity and if they are together then I will no longer have any conversations with him or go to his line or give him any more of my attention. Even if he tries to talk to me I will ignore him. 

Edited October 12, 2022 by Sea_Database_6744

[Versacehottie]

43 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

I'm not trying to manipulate anything what's wrong with me asking if she's his girlfriend? He asks me what I've been up to so why can't I ask him questions? I'm not trying to assert my position I'm simply asking. So that I know why he acts the way that he does towards me when she's around. I never said he was pursuing me of course he wouldn't after I rejected him when he asked to see me again. 

I'm asking so I have information and clarity if she is his girlfriend I won't ever speak to or talk to him again. 

you are equating things that are not equal to being equal, such as "oh I talk to other people that work there, so why shouldn't I talk to him?". Those are not equal things. You have an acquaintance type relationship with the other workers that is not tainted by a failed and awkward former FWB, complicated by cheating and possibly a potential relationship at work. Why would you lower yourself to making this weird desperate and YES, chasing. It's not your business. You should be ignoring them both.  She looks at you weird because you are presuming more value in his life than you actually have--NO matter their status.  

With the bolded, you shouldn't be speaking to him NOW if he's treated you with disrespect, you rejected him (not quite believable based on how you are acting right now!). You don't need further clarification about his relationship status and with whom.  He doesn't want you. That's all you need to know. 

You also shouldn't ask the question because it's not cordial small talk and trying not to be awkward in someone's workplace---it's invasive, pushy and desperate. Again, none of your business. Wrong to bring drama to his workplace and presume you have right to be nosy like this. You made a mistake sleeping with him and/or getting involved, clearly you are stuck on him and you've carried around a mistake and your feelings about him for 3 years instead of moving on to someone who IS interested in you.

*Better yet, you should find another store to go to. It seems like you like or feed off this drama or supposed love triangle. And I'm saying there isn't one--it's in your imagination.

Edited October 12, 2022 by Versacehottie

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

Yes, I know coworkers take pictures together all the time. But there is a photo I saw of them together (him and her) where part of his face was cut out of the photo like he's hiding his face. And she was leaning back on him and his hand was on her shoulder. (I know his face and can tell it's him) and then I see another photo where she's in Canada and one time before he told me he was going there. So it's not just the photos of him and his coworkers. Thank you for not judging me and making me feel like I'm doing something wrong by asking. I just want clarity and if they are together then I will no longer have any conversations with him or go to his line or give him any more of my attention. Even if he tries to talk to me I will ignore him. 

You're very welcome @Sea_Database_6744.  Like I said, it's not my place to judge.  

And I understand there's some ambiguity about whether or not she's his girlfriend, and you're seeking clarity which will enable you to move forward either way. 

I totally get that.  

Remember information is power.  Never assume. 

We live, we learn, we grow, we evolve.

Good luck whichever way this goes. 

 

Edited October 12, 2022 by poppyfields

[Versacehottie]

Also if he's with her: you should be leaving them alone.

If's he's not with her, he is not trying to be with you. 

What more do you need to know?

[glows]

22 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

Yes, I know coworkers take pictures together all the time. But there is a photo I saw of them together (him and her) where part of his face was cut out of the photo like he's hiding his face. And she was leaning back on him and his hand was on her shoulder. (I know his face and can tell it's him) and then I see another photo where she's in Canada and one time before he told me he was going there. So it's not just the photos of him and his coworkers. Thank you for not judging me and making me feel like I'm doing something wrong by asking. I just want clarity and if they are together then I will no longer have any conversations with him or go to his line or give him any more of my attention. Even if he tries to talk to me I will ignore him. 

We make decisions and judgments about what we do from the moment we wake up. I believe some of us are cautioning you based on your history with this man and the capacity for lack of integrity and cheating that took place regardless of whether you’re wanting to face that now. He cheated with someone at work and he may cheat on you too at work with someone else if you’re dating. It’s a fallacy believing one type of thinking is judgement while another is not. They’re all judgements. Anyone with a thought process and able to make decisions judges a situation. 

Either way, I hope you find what you’re looking for or at least peace with the situation.

 

 

 

[Sea_Database_6744]

20 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

you are equating things that are not equal to being equal, such as "oh I talk to other people that work there, so why shouldn't I talk to him?". Those are not equal things. You have an acquaintance type relationship with the other workers that is not tainted by a failed and awkward former FWB, complicated by cheating and possibly a potential relationship at work. Why would you lower yourself to making this weird desperate and YES, chasing. It's not your business. You should be ignoring them both.  She looks at you weird because you are presuming more value in his life than you actually have--NO matter their status.  

With the bolded, you shouldn't be speaking to him NOW if he's treated you with disrespect, you rejected him (not quite believable based on how you are acting right now!). You don't need further clarification about his relationship status and with whom.  He doesn't want you. That's all you need to know. 

You also shouldn't ask the question because it's not cordial small talk and trying not to be awkward in someone's workplace---it's invasive, pushy and desperate. Again, none of your business. Wrong to bring drama to his workplace and presume you have right to be nosy like this. You made a mistake sleeping with him and/or getting involved, clearly you are stuck on him and you've carried around a mistake and your feelings about him for 3 years instead of moving on to someone who IS interested in you.

*Better yet, you should find another store to go to. It seems like you like or feed off this drama or supposed love triangle. And I'm saying there isn't one--it's in your imagination.

Asking him if she is his girlfriend is not invasive, pushy or desperate it's a simple question. You overlooked where I said he interrupted me while I was talking to one of his coworkers. He hasn't said anything to me about being invasive or too pushy. Did you miss the part where I've said he asks me how I've been told me about how he's been out of town and showed me something he got from his trip. If me talking to him was really that big of a deal that you're trying to make it. I seriously doubt he was even engage in conversation with me at all as I previously said. You're just calling me desperate and all these other names because you feel it's not my business and that's ok. 

If he felt I was too invasive or pushy why would he engage with me?

Edited October 12, 2022 by Sea_Database_6744

[Sea_Database_6744]

22 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

You're very welcome @Sea_Database_6744.  Like I said, it's not my place to judge.  

And I understand there's some ambiguity about whether or not she's his girlfriend, and you're seeking clarity which will enable you to move forward either way. 

I totally get that.  

Remember information is power.  Never assume. 

We live, we learn, we grow, we evolve.

Good luck whichever way this goes. 

 

Exactly I don't want to assume anything and I don't want to carry on talking and having conversations with him if his girlfriend works with him. I mean wouldn't that cause even more drama? If I continued talking and engaging with him if she is his girlfriend? I know he doesn't care either way that's obvious. 

[mark clemson]

For clarity, this is not "some cashier you flirt with" - this is a former lover.

It's readily apparent you're not fully over him. The reason that's clear is that you continue to chat/flirt AND you are, essentially, inserting yourself into his romantic life with questions about this other cashier.

58 minutes ago, Sea_Database_6744 said:

he interrupted me while I was talking to one of his coworkers.

I'm asking so I have information and clarity if she is his girlfriend I won't ever speak to or talk to him again. 

You're allowed to be curious, but I think if you were truly over him you wouldn't be as interested as you seem to be. You wouldn't be tracking this (pretty trivial) event of him apparently showing jealousy when you spoke to a different male. Also it wouldn't be necessary to "punish" him or cut him off for having a new GF. You're allowed to chat with (and even lightly flirt with) a cashier who has a GF. There's no law against any of that and people do it all the time.

This isn't "judging you" - it's recognition of what's really going on, so that you can gain clarity over it. The elephant in the room seems to be that you haven't yet "let this go" and that is what folks are noticing here. 

Do you have someone of your own? If not, I think you might consider whether you'd be best served by spending your mental energy working on finding a new partner rather than gnawing on this old bone of a former lover. You say you want less drama? Well, you've had months to just let this go - that's the easy path to less drama IMO.

[introverted1]

I'm confused.

You posted asking whether it was a good idea to confront him and pretty much everyone said it was a bad idea.  Then you argued with everyone who said this, and kept insisting that confronting him was the right course of action.

So what exactly is your question for the forum?

[Versacehottie]

6 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

This isn't "judging you" - it's recognition of what's really going on, so that you can gain clarity over it. The elephant in the room seems to be that you haven't yet "let this go" and that is what folks are noticing here. 

this 100%.

it's a reality check not a judging thing. The nature of any advice forum however will be that opinions are given. It might be easier to hear some opinion which backs up what you want to do--we see threads like that all the time. 

If you didn't want the advice, why are you here? Why not barrel ahead with what you want to do? If you think some of us can't hear that you are indignant and put out about the whole situation, you would be wrong. Yet you are continuing to engage with him/it. Are you hoping your comment will change the nature of your relationship? What do you hope to gain with it?

And no I didn't miss the "signs" you believe he is giving you that convey some interest--friendly or otherwise in your OP. I just don't interpret them the way you do...which is ultimately why you are asking right. You put up your situation and people weigh in with their interpretation.